drinking and sinking

May i worn you the blogs are going to be a little dark from now on. I've covered all the nice things the wedding ect. But now I will be moving on to when I was ill so be warned. I'm not posting these things for sympathy or views I'm doing this to raise awareness. And to do that I have to be as honest as I can.
I didn't blog last night. I was just having one of them days. Yano when everything you touch you either drop or loose. Well I lost a chicken breast yesterday. An actual fresh chicken breast! I was hunting round the kitchen thinking is this really happening have I really just looked in the washer for chicken?
I can be a little forgetful and clumsy. But at the height of my illness I was on another level. Id have a long conversation with someone but didn't have a clue what about. Id keep walking from room to room having no idea what I was looking for. In and out round and round. Shaun would tell me something then ask me about it the next day id have no clue what he was on about. TV would be a blur id just stare at it.  I couldn't focus or concentrate on one thing.
My world was a blur of nothing and self harm. But every time this little face looked up at me and gave me a little smile. It was like she was heeling me. For that second id feel relief, love and happiness. I felt at my best when I was holding lottie like she was my shield from this scary world.  
  I think some sufferers don't like others holding their baby. This didn't happen to me but I can understand why people would feel like this. Due to fear the baby may be harmed because depression makes you think you baby is danger. Sometimes its as extreme as thinking the baby is going to die.
And because we are thinking these extreme thoughts we are scared to voice them. Surely I'm a bad mum? My baby will be taken away? These thoughts don’t  mean you are a bad mum. You just need help so go get it. As difficult as this may sound its worth it. I cant remember the last time I felt that panic that lottie was at risk.
I never doubted that I was a good mum. I was just worried others would think I was. I don't feel my depression has effected lottie at all. I still did all the things a new mum would do. I bathed her cared for her, made funny faces at her. Just on the inside I felt so anxious and scared.
Lottie is still unwell. And is still cling on. To the point where this morning she wrapped her self round the coffee table in order to be as close to me as possible.
I got her to sleep in her cot this afternoon first time in agers. To do this I was almost in the cot with her with my face pressed against hers. It did the trick, so I went down stairs made a coffee put my feet up. And felt freedom wash over me. This lasted  for 5 minutes and then she woke up.
But she melted my heart today she said MAMA!. Holy shit is that not the best news ever? I'm buzzing. But she not say it again, so shaun just thinks I'm lying. But I'm not she said it load and clear baby!
I ended my last blog at the point when fireman sam had to be called. So all that drama came to an end. And a few days after it was our 1 year wedding anniversary. Shauns mum agreed to have lottie and we was off into town for a meal and drinks. My first night out. A chance to let my hair down and for me get so drunk I can only text with one eye closed and make a shit loads of new best friends every time I go to the toilet.
The truth, I came home sober. I just couldn't get drunk. I couldn't let go. I was so tense. I couldn't decide what drinks i wanted at the bar. Its not ok to just have water in a cocktail bar. And depression didn't want me to have fun and enjoy my drinks. So it was a case of get me anything. What ever i was given I drank, without tasting it. When I go out I normally let loose I don't care whos around.
But This time I was aware of every person around me. I was on edge. It felt like I was dreaming, all these faces around me smiling dancing. My faves song came on normally it would be hands in the air booty down low time. Instead nothing.
From here it was just down and down. I was so bad I even planned my funeral. So my next blogs will be about my trip to the bottom. And then finally my rise back to the top. Where I sit now proud as a peacock because I'm a survivor. I've battled depression.