Meet pony, my person....my hardest blog so far

I'm alive. After burglar bill tried to break in last night. Nothing really much to say on that matter just the fact I shit myself. But as I said I was on the sofa laid in my pants so if that didn't scare him off I could have wacked him with the toblarone.
Today I had an appointment with my therapist. It started all giggles, about my crappy Yorkshire puddings, and reece almost drowning when we went skinny dipping in Greece. Shame it ended in tears. Now I cant slag her off to much because I know she reads this! But the crazy lady wants me to switch my weekly appointment to monthly. This makes my stomach feel like its going to drop out my dimply arse. I will refer to my therapist as pony because she always wears her hair in a pony and she kicks depressions ass! So anyway when pony told me about the appointments (or lack off) I saw red and slapped the bitch. Haha this is a massive lie I just said it to make you laugh! The truth is I burst into tears. And I cried all the way home.
The reason for this is I don't feel ready. I Will still see my 2 other care works, but pony is the person that's been with me from day 1. The person I bared my sole to. Yano when you meet someone and you just click, that was how I felt with pony. She broke down my wales, opened me up and saw the true depth of my depression. But she also saw my "sparkle" she new their was a big character in their somewhere, we just had to find it.  And here I am I have my sparkle back.
God I'm crying again, this is so hard to write and accept. Accept that I'm moving forward and letting go of my safety net. Literally when I fall she catches me, so what if I fall now? Its just making me realise one day I will have to stand alone. When this is all taken away, all the appointments, support and the new friends I've made at the clinic.
Apparently I need to trust myself. Trust that I can be free, Free to live again, laugh again and do the things I enjoy. Like getting reece to pretend we are on a date when he takes me out for diner. I literally make him drive round the block, then pip when he is outside our house. I then get in the car and pretend i've never met him. I think its hilarious he bloody hates it. But he plays along a little. 
I managed to barter my way to getting an appointment in 2 and a half weeks. Still scary as hell. But I knew deep down pony couldn't last a month either. Who else is going to tell her, its obvious her hair doesn't have natural highlights and my husband thought she was a lesbian?
So after that little downer it diazepam and chill for me. Not needed a diazepam in agers, but needs must. Sometimes I fell like taking one is failing. I try to reassure myself its not, its accepting I'm not ok right now. I'm not unwell I'm not getting intrusive thought's I'm just sad and scared. I think by tomorrow I will have realised, its a another little nudge in the right direction.
Also the clinic staff gave me a terrys chocolate orange. If that doesn't lift my mood what will? Fuck the nothing tastes as good as skinny feels bollox, I used to tell myself. That was before I realised a gut doesn't just go after a little run, wearing a face full of makeup and hot pants. Oh no I live in a new world now. The world of mum bod. A free pass to not wear a bra, live in your pjs and never going on top!
Have a good weekend sexpots :) Hopefully when I do my next blog I would have stopped crying, if their is never another blog i've probably died from dehydration, loss of water via my eyeballs. If this happens please put on my headstone "girls just wanna have fun" and play another one bites the dust.














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