Ill start by telling you. My child is obsessed with me. Like major. Like more than i was obsessed with Tom Clarke back in 2008. I just can not deal with the fact every time I leave her side she screams the house down. Bless her she's not well either and is on antibiotics. So its all snot bubbles and sneezing in my face at the mo.
So hubby got home and i just needed a break. I had a appointment at the hospital, with my nurse. I decided to go alone. For the first time. (GO ME!) I Had a really positive appointment. And was driving home in a really good mood. Singing a long to Britany. I felt a little freaked out driving in rain and dark but i tried to not focus on that and just go with that Britany vibe i had going on.
This vibe unfortunately cut out the same time my car did. Yes driving on a country road pitch black and my car starts to die. This road was a 60mph zone and it was rush hour. The car just comes to a standstill. On the hazards went and people was pipping and flashing and I'm raging like "this is not my fault you idiots"
Dad came to the rescue and i managed to literally roll the car into a 40mph zone and onto a curb. Oh what id give to have been back at home with my screaming baby. End of the story is my parker coat saved my life. And i am never driving again. So its back to being stuck in the house. Unless i buy a pushbike! Its so frustrating, just when I've manned up and drove. But tomorrows a new day just got to drive on forward LITRELLY!
On a lighter note lottie was sick in shaun's mouth last night and whilst i was stranded in the car she pooped in the bath! I got home and shaun had ran me a nice bath. He was in major good books until he said "oh yeah lottie pooed in bath i didn't tell you until you got out because i new you wouldn't get in". What a bellend! So yeah my days been shit on so many levels. And i have to seek revenge on my husband. Ideas?
I left my last post at the point when we had had a fire on the back. This happened when lottie was 10 weeks old. And without being aware i was not well. Depression had taken a hold. To the outside world i was doing so well. Where lottie is concerned i was. I am a good mum. While i was away from her i was at my worst while she napped and things. Although i did feel our relationship was forced and i was just acting like a good mum. Depression didn't want me to think i was good at my new role as being a mummy.
The day of the fire started like any other. Wake up startled jump straight out of bed. Not wanting to lie and day dream about living in a castle like i used to. I got straight up feeling what i can only describe as panic and out of breath. Looking back i understand that panic was fear of letting my thoughts be heard. So it was a case of constantly fighting them away. And that means keeping busy. Whilst brushing my teeth instead of standing gazing at my bed head in the mirror. Id sort washing whilst brushing them, or make the bed whilst brushing them. Your probably thinking how can you brush your teeth and make the bed. Trust me anything is possible when you need to block out a demon. Day to day life back then is a blur. Because i was just acting that erratically.
Whilst cleaning everything i came into contact with i just wanted to harm myself with. Bleach, I'm going to drink it. A knife, ill cut myself, i couldn't even eat without wanting to stab the fork down my throat. These thoughts would overwhelm me. Id be terrified id see the blood, think about the after effects. This is where i was going wrong. I let it consume me. I let it terrify me. What i needed to do was just shut it down. You need to Do what ever to move that thought on. Your in control, your not going to do that so reassure yourself and move on.
I didn't no what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to deal with this. But i do now. Don't run. Take time to yourself. Its not as scary as you think. Keep telling yourself. You are safe. You don't want to die. My husband would say this over and over to me When i was in a bad place. I wouldn't respond or talk back as i couldn't but i found this helped.
Weeks after my section I'm shifting furniture and have everything, me lottie the house sorted for 10am ready for a day of running away. Which meant cleaning and getting out the house. Rushing constantly. Never stopping, or enjoying things in life we take for granted like food and drink, you could have put soil on my plate and id probably have ate it and not realised. I was just numb.
The day of the fire I'm pegging what was probably my 5th load of washing id done that day. And i could here voices kids messing around. Then crackle crackle. I start to think it sounds like fire but shrug it off thinking I'm just over reacting. Next minute black ash is flying over my head! And the sky is black. So in i run to grab lottie and call 999. Not forgetting my wash basket obvs ( i was that obsessed lol).
It was so scary. It Just added to the trauma id already dealt. With the ECV and labour. And it wasn't going to get any easier.......
P.S i think i am still a little cray when it comes to pegging washing out. When dad lifted the bonnet of the car today a peg was under there !! See the video 😂
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