Shitting, shaving my thoughts miss behaving

I said my next blog would be about my labour but, instead I want to chat about the last few days.
Depression wise I've  had a little set back. Sunday night I decided to shave my legs, I don't no what came over me I never shave in the winter. I think it was because date night was coming up, and you never no what you might get up to after (wink wink)..
Enough of my hair care anyway (or lack of). Lets get back to the serious stuff, my first thought of self harm, was around 3 months ago. During shaving my legs, my mind started drifting. As it did when I was alone with no distractions. I prevented being alone and allowing time to think.  It took me to a dark place every time. This particular time I began imagining pressing down with my razor and pulling all the skin from my leg.To the point where I pictured all the blood, and how it would feel.
In my life I've never self harmed or thought about doing so. I'm a happy go lucky positive person. So these intrusive thoughts came as a shock to me. I was so confused I started to shake, feel sick and I was scared. Scared of myself. Now I look back I had been in a low mood prior to this, id been crying, not as chatty (not like me AT all I am a total chatterbox) I had little interest in things I enjoyed like music, makeup and simple day to day things, we all do to make us happy. I just kept getting upset, i told my husband a little, he comforted me but I think he was a lost as to what to do.
Whilst I was shaving this week I did press down a little to hard on my leg so much so that i drew blood. This was a total accident, but I just freaked! It took me back to that first though of self harm. I was sure if anybody saw the cut they would doubt me and think it was deliberate. I also doubted that it was an accident. But that's the way the depression wants me to think, its a bastard.
This led me to being a little low. But I soon picked myself back up and reassured myself all was ok it was an accident. You just have to learn to not let set backs consume you. Don't focus on your negative thoughts, think of the positive like the fact, I'm doing well and have started to enjoy my own company again and want to be left alone without fear. From my first thought of self harm things got a lot worse, which will become apparent as I write more.
I don't want to focus to much on my PND. I aim to let it out a little at a time. After this blip things have returned to normal. Date night was good if you ignore the fact we was constantly worrying about dolly because shes teething and constipated. So we cut the date short. Rushed home to find her snug in bed. She slept from  6pm till 8am, Shes so lazy, its great. Turns out shaving my legs was a waste of time after all. No jiggy jiggy for us. Who has sex midweek anyway? its like sucking d**k after he puts a ring on it.
Today has been such a wash out. I should have been meeting with a friend in the day, then another at night and having my nephew in between ( just call me miss popular). Non of this has actually happened. My nephew is a typical teenager and realised he had other plans right at the last minute. And i've not seen my friends as i've not felt well. So I'm on bed rest which is impossible for me. I'm just to bloody active. Other people are doing my house work. Must be heaven I hear you say? its not heaven one bit. My sister pegged my washed out earlier. What the hell she hung it all upside down, inside out and back to front. I really appreciate it and I know I sound like I have OCD. But I'm sure we all have our own way of doing things right?.....or do I have OCD? who cares just don't make my washing look like it has been chucked on the line. So now I'm laid on the sofa drinking a coffee, that I no I will regret when I'm still awake at midnight. But hey live life on the edge and all that!
Got to dash now dolly has literally just pooped. Praise the lord Hallelujah..  Ill take the poo explosion all over the baby walker and shit stained clothes over her being in pain.  A little tip water + prunes + poops.
Wish me luck

P.s I just got back from the pooathon and reece has carried dolly from one room to another nappy free. And shes crapped up his arm!!!! Not only does he talk crap now he smells like it to!!!