scrap depression

Today I looked back at old photos. And I must admit material things used to make me so happy. It was that easy. Id buy something new and it would make my day. Id day dream about fancy holidays and winning the lottery. Thinking how happy I would be with all that money and being able to have what ever I want.
Now happiness is something totally different. Just waking up in my bed, when my rooms a tip and my sheets need changing brings me happiness A whole nights sleep without waking up having a nightmare, about the worst things you could imagine. To the point where I'm begging my husband to just let me end it all. I cant go on seeing these awful things and being told over and over I'm worthless and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it. I woke up once and my depression was just repeatedly telling me to kill myself.
Imagine going from weeks of this to one morning waking up and you have just dreamt about something silly. Like you turned into a beaver. That's true happiness. No fancy hotel, magical fairy castle, or a million pound could change this for me. Only time could and learning how to process these things could make me happy again. And to be honest I think if I had all that money and was living in a mansion. I would feel worse. Because you look around and think I have everything. A gorgeous baby, a loving husband and family, a shoe collection fit for Instagram. Surly I need a reason to feel like this. Like bereavement or money problems. Now I understand its not what you have or don't have.  
How would life go back to normal? This is life now its going to be like this forever. Its like when you have a cold and you just accept your nose is always going to be blocked. Goodbye sense of smell, then one day you wake up and waaalaaaa. You realise your colleague still has violent coffee breath. How good does it feel?
Well I'm starting to feel me again. Depression wouldn't allow me to do the things I loved. Things I took for granted before. Going to the gym, listening to music, making shitty things like wooden spoons with faces on (no judgement here guys). But what makes me really happy is filling in my scrapbook. My whole life is in their. Every time I do something fun, Like go out for a few drinks and end up partying the night away VIP with celebs and ending up in NOW magazine. I put I reminder in my scrap book be it a label of a bottle of prosecco or the piece off tissue that had been stuck to my foot all night.
I remember sat crying saying I'm gone just throw it all away. Its pointless now that's my old life. My therapist told me "You will be that person again, you will enjoy life again." 100% I thought it was all a lie. I've not updated my scrapbook for over a year. So to sit and do it again means going back over everything again. Coming face to face to life before the devil replaced it.
Well guess what I did last night. I got out the PVA all my arty farty bits, glitter, feathers pegs with cupcakes on (don't ask) but most important of all I got out my memories. And I made a start sticking them all in.
Can you believe Shaun used the scrap book to pop the question. We was eating in a castle in Cheshire and he asks for the bill. Instead of getting the bill I was presented with my scrap book. And on the page was all pictures from our relationship, our first Christmas, first holiday, everything. And he had wrote a nice little verse about me loving sparkles and how now I'm going to get the sparkliest thing of all. I'm looking for the weightier  coming back with a sparkler or a disco ball. Turns back to shaun...... he's disappeared, then I look down and theirs the sparkle not only in his hand but in his eyes.
Little did he know he'd only chosen the page after id stuck all my things in from an ann summers party. We had played a game you had to list an A-Z off rude words! So everyone is reading this book id made thinking no body would ever read it and my relatives are asking me if they sell a rampant rabbit in pets at home.