May i worn you the blogs are going to be a little dark from now on. I've covered all the nice things the wedding ect. But now I will be moving on to when I was ill so be warned. I'm not posting these things for sympathy or views I'm doing this to raise awareness. And to do that I have to be as honest as I can.
I didn't blog last night. I was just having one of them days. Yano when everything you touch you either drop or loose. Well I lost a chicken breast yesterday. An actual fresh chicken breast! I was hunting round the kitchen thinking is this really happening have I really just looked in the washer for chicken?
I can be a little forgetful and clumsy. But at the height of my illness I was on another level. Id have a long conversation with someone but didn't have a clue what about. Id keep walking from room to room having no idea what I was looking for. In and out round and round. Shaun would tell me something then ask me about it the next day id have no clue what he was on about. TV would be a blur id just stare at it. I couldn't focus or concentrate on one thing.
My world was a blur of nothing and self harm. But every time this little face looked up at me and gave me a little smile. It was like she was heeling me. For that second id feel relief, love and happiness. I felt at my best when I was holding lottie like she was my shield from this scary world.
I think some sufferers don't like others holding their baby. This didn't happen to me but I can understand why people would feel like this. Due to fear the baby may be harmed because depression makes you think you baby is danger. Sometimes its as extreme as thinking the baby is going to die.
And because we are thinking these extreme thoughts we are scared to voice them. Surely I'm a bad mum? My baby will be taken away? These thoughts don’t mean you are a bad mum. You just need help so go get it. As difficult as this may sound its worth it. I cant remember the last time I felt that panic that lottie was at risk.
I never doubted that I was a good mum. I was just worried others would think I was. I don't feel my depression has effected lottie at all. I still did all the things a new mum would do. I bathed her cared for her, made funny faces at her. Just on the inside I felt so anxious and scared.
Lottie is still unwell. And is still cling on. To the point where this morning she wrapped her self round the coffee table in order to be as close to me as possible.
I got her to sleep in her cot this afternoon first time in agers. To do this I was almost in the cot with her with my face pressed against hers. It did the trick, so I went down stairs made a coffee put my feet up. And felt freedom wash over me. This lasted for 5 minutes and then she woke up.
But she melted my heart today she said MAMA!. Holy shit is that not the best news ever? I'm buzzing. But she not say it again, so shaun just thinks I'm lying. But I'm not she said it load and clear baby!
I ended my last blog at the point when fireman sam had to be called. So all that drama came to an end. And a few days after it was our 1 year wedding anniversary. Shauns mum agreed to have lottie and we was off into town for a meal and drinks. My first night out. A chance to let my hair down and for me get so drunk I can only text with one eye closed and make a shit loads of new best friends every time I go to the toilet.
The truth, I came home sober. I just couldn't get drunk. I couldn't let go. I was so tense. I couldn't decide what drinks i wanted at the bar. Its not ok to just have water in a cocktail bar. And depression didn't want me to have fun and enjoy my drinks. So it was a case of get me anything. What ever i was given I drank, without tasting it. When I go out I normally let loose I don't care whos around.
But This time I was aware of every person around me. I was on edge. It felt like I was dreaming, all these faces around me smiling dancing. My faves song came on normally it would be hands in the air booty down low time. Instead nothing.
From here it was just down and down. I was so bad I even planned my funeral. So my next blogs will be about my trip to the bottom. And then finally my rise back to the top. Where I sit now proud as a peacock because I'm a survivor. I've battled depression.
Thursday, 29 November 2018
Tuesday, 27 November 2018
if its not me breaking down its the car
Ooooooh guys why is my life NEVER simple.
Ill start by telling you. My child is obsessed with me. Like major. Like more than i was obsessed with Tom Clarke back in 2008. I just can not deal with the fact every time I leave her side she screams the house down. Bless her she's not well either and is on antibiotics. So its all snot bubbles and sneezing in my face at the mo.
So hubby got home and i just needed a break. I had a appointment at the hospital, with my nurse. I decided to go alone. For the first time. (GO ME!) I Had a really positive appointment. And was driving home in a really good mood. Singing a long to Britany. I felt a little freaked out driving in rain and dark but i tried to not focus on that and just go with that Britany vibe i had going on.
This vibe unfortunately cut out the same time my car did. Yes driving on a country road pitch black and my car starts to die. This road was a 60mph zone and it was rush hour. The car just comes to a standstill. On the hazards went and people was pipping and flashing and I'm raging like "this is not my fault you idiots"
Dad came to the rescue and i managed to literally roll the car into a 40mph zone and onto a curb. Oh what id give to have been back at home with my screaming baby. End of the story is my parker coat saved my life. And i am never driving again. So its back to being stuck in the house. Unless i buy a pushbike! Its so frustrating, just when I've manned up and drove. But tomorrows a new day just got to drive on forward LITRELLY!
On a lighter note lottie was sick in shaun's mouth last night and whilst i was stranded in the car she pooped in the bath! I got home and shaun had ran me a nice bath. He was in major good books until he said "oh yeah lottie pooed in bath i didn't tell you until you got out because i new you wouldn't get in". What a bellend! So yeah my days been shit on so many levels. And i have to seek revenge on my husband. Ideas?
I left my last post at the point when we had had a fire on the back. This happened when lottie was 10 weeks old. And without being aware i was not well. Depression had taken a hold. To the outside world i was doing so well. Where lottie is concerned i was. I am a good mum. While i was away from her i was at my worst while she napped and things. Although i did feel our relationship was forced and i was just acting like a good mum. Depression didn't want me to think i was good at my new role as being a mummy.
The day of the fire started like any other. Wake up startled jump straight out of bed. Not wanting to lie and day dream about living in a castle like i used to. I got straight up feeling what i can only describe as panic and out of breath. Looking back i understand that panic was fear of letting my thoughts be heard. So it was a case of constantly fighting them away. And that means keeping busy. Whilst brushing my teeth instead of standing gazing at my bed head in the mirror. Id sort washing whilst brushing them, or make the bed whilst brushing them. Your probably thinking how can you brush your teeth and make the bed. Trust me anything is possible when you need to block out a demon. Day to day life back then is a blur. Because i was just acting that erratically.
Whilst cleaning everything i came into contact with i just wanted to harm myself with. Bleach, I'm going to drink it. A knife, ill cut myself, i couldn't even eat without wanting to stab the fork down my throat. These thoughts would overwhelm me. Id be terrified id see the blood, think about the after effects. This is where i was going wrong. I let it consume me. I let it terrify me. What i needed to do was just shut it down. You need to Do what ever to move that thought on. Your in control, your not going to do that so reassure yourself and move on.
I didn't no what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to deal with this. But i do now. Don't run. Take time to yourself. Its not as scary as you think. Keep telling yourself. You are safe. You don't want to die. My husband would say this over and over to me When i was in a bad place. I wouldn't respond or talk back as i couldn't but i found this helped.
Weeks after my section I'm shifting furniture and have everything, me lottie the house sorted for 10am ready for a day of running away. Which meant cleaning and getting out the house. Rushing constantly. Never stopping, or enjoying things in life we take for granted like food and drink, you could have put soil on my plate and id probably have ate it and not realised. I was just numb.
The day of the fire I'm pegging what was probably my 5th load of washing id done that day. And i could here voices kids messing around. Then crackle crackle. I start to think it sounds like fire but shrug it off thinking I'm just over reacting. Next minute black ash is flying over my head! And the sky is black. So in i run to grab lottie and call 999. Not forgetting my wash basket obvs ( i was that obsessed lol).
It was so scary. It Just added to the trauma id already dealt. With the ECV and labour. And it wasn't going to get any easier.......
P.S i think i am still a little cray when it comes to pegging washing out. When dad lifted the bonnet of the car today a peg was under there !! See the video 😂
Ill start by telling you. My child is obsessed with me. Like major. Like more than i was obsessed with Tom Clarke back in 2008. I just can not deal with the fact every time I leave her side she screams the house down. Bless her she's not well either and is on antibiotics. So its all snot bubbles and sneezing in my face at the mo.
So hubby got home and i just needed a break. I had a appointment at the hospital, with my nurse. I decided to go alone. For the first time. (GO ME!) I Had a really positive appointment. And was driving home in a really good mood. Singing a long to Britany. I felt a little freaked out driving in rain and dark but i tried to not focus on that and just go with that Britany vibe i had going on.
This vibe unfortunately cut out the same time my car did. Yes driving on a country road pitch black and my car starts to die. This road was a 60mph zone and it was rush hour. The car just comes to a standstill. On the hazards went and people was pipping and flashing and I'm raging like "this is not my fault you idiots"
Dad came to the rescue and i managed to literally roll the car into a 40mph zone and onto a curb. Oh what id give to have been back at home with my screaming baby. End of the story is my parker coat saved my life. And i am never driving again. So its back to being stuck in the house. Unless i buy a pushbike! Its so frustrating, just when I've manned up and drove. But tomorrows a new day just got to drive on forward LITRELLY!
On a lighter note lottie was sick in shaun's mouth last night and whilst i was stranded in the car she pooped in the bath! I got home and shaun had ran me a nice bath. He was in major good books until he said "oh yeah lottie pooed in bath i didn't tell you until you got out because i new you wouldn't get in". What a bellend! So yeah my days been shit on so many levels. And i have to seek revenge on my husband. Ideas?
I left my last post at the point when we had had a fire on the back. This happened when lottie was 10 weeks old. And without being aware i was not well. Depression had taken a hold. To the outside world i was doing so well. Where lottie is concerned i was. I am a good mum. While i was away from her i was at my worst while she napped and things. Although i did feel our relationship was forced and i was just acting like a good mum. Depression didn't want me to think i was good at my new role as being a mummy.
The day of the fire started like any other. Wake up startled jump straight out of bed. Not wanting to lie and day dream about living in a castle like i used to. I got straight up feeling what i can only describe as panic and out of breath. Looking back i understand that panic was fear of letting my thoughts be heard. So it was a case of constantly fighting them away. And that means keeping busy. Whilst brushing my teeth instead of standing gazing at my bed head in the mirror. Id sort washing whilst brushing them, or make the bed whilst brushing them. Your probably thinking how can you brush your teeth and make the bed. Trust me anything is possible when you need to block out a demon. Day to day life back then is a blur. Because i was just acting that erratically.
Whilst cleaning everything i came into contact with i just wanted to harm myself with. Bleach, I'm going to drink it. A knife, ill cut myself, i couldn't even eat without wanting to stab the fork down my throat. These thoughts would overwhelm me. Id be terrified id see the blood, think about the after effects. This is where i was going wrong. I let it consume me. I let it terrify me. What i needed to do was just shut it down. You need to Do what ever to move that thought on. Your in control, your not going to do that so reassure yourself and move on.
I didn't no what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to deal with this. But i do now. Don't run. Take time to yourself. Its not as scary as you think. Keep telling yourself. You are safe. You don't want to die. My husband would say this over and over to me When i was in a bad place. I wouldn't respond or talk back as i couldn't but i found this helped.
Weeks after my section I'm shifting furniture and have everything, me lottie the house sorted for 10am ready for a day of running away. Which meant cleaning and getting out the house. Rushing constantly. Never stopping, or enjoying things in life we take for granted like food and drink, you could have put soil on my plate and id probably have ate it and not realised. I was just numb.
The day of the fire I'm pegging what was probably my 5th load of washing id done that day. And i could here voices kids messing around. Then crackle crackle. I start to think it sounds like fire but shrug it off thinking I'm just over reacting. Next minute black ash is flying over my head! And the sky is black. So in i run to grab lottie and call 999. Not forgetting my wash basket obvs ( i was that obsessed lol).
It was so scary. It Just added to the trauma id already dealt. With the ECV and labour. And it wasn't going to get any easier.......
P.S i think i am still a little cray when it comes to pegging washing out. When dad lifted the bonnet of the car today a peg was under there !! See the video 😂
Sunday, 25 November 2018
scrap depression
Today I looked back at old photos. And I must admit material things used to make me so happy. It was that easy. Id buy something new and it would make my day. Id day dream about fancy holidays and winning the lottery. Thinking how happy I would be with all that money and being able to have what ever I want.
Now happiness is something totally different. Just waking up in my bed, when my rooms a tip and my sheets need changing brings me happiness A whole nights sleep without waking up having a nightmare, about the worst things you could imagine. To the point where I'm begging my husband to just let me end it all. I cant go on seeing these awful things and being told over and over I'm worthless and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it. I woke up once and my depression was just repeatedly telling me to kill myself.
Imagine going from weeks of this to one morning waking up and you have just dreamt about something silly. Like you turned into a beaver. That's true happiness. No fancy hotel, magical fairy castle, or a million pound could change this for me. Only time could and learning how to process these things could make me happy again. And to be honest I think if I had all that money and was living in a mansion. I would feel worse. Because you look around and think I have everything. A gorgeous baby, a loving husband and family, a shoe collection fit for Instagram. Surly I need a reason to feel like this. Like bereavement or money problems. Now I understand its not what you have or don't have.
How would life go back to normal? This is life now its going to be like this forever. Its like when you have a cold and you just accept your nose is always going to be blocked. Goodbye sense of smell, then one day you wake up and waaalaaaa. You realise your colleague still has violent coffee breath. How good does it feel?
Well I'm starting to feel me again. Depression wouldn't allow me to do the things I loved. Things I took for granted before. Going to the gym, listening to music, making shitty things like wooden spoons with faces on (no judgement here guys). But what makes me really happy is filling in my scrapbook. My whole life is in their. Every time I do something fun, Like go out for a few drinks and end up partying the night away VIP with celebs and ending up in NOW magazine. I put I reminder in my scrap book be it a label of a bottle of prosecco or the piece off tissue that had been stuck to my foot all night.
I remember sat crying saying I'm gone just throw it all away. Its pointless now that's my old life. My therapist told me "You will be that person again, you will enjoy life again." 100% I thought it was all a lie. I've not updated my scrapbook for over a year. So to sit and do it again means going back over everything again. Coming face to face to life before the devil replaced it.
Well guess what I did last night. I got out the PVA all my arty farty bits, glitter, feathers pegs with cupcakes on (don't ask) but most important of all I got out my memories. And I made a start sticking them all in.
Can you believe Shaun used the scrap book to pop the question. We was eating in a castle in Cheshire and he asks for the bill. Instead of getting the bill I was presented with my scrap book. And on the page was all pictures from our relationship, our first Christmas, first holiday, everything. And he had wrote a nice little verse about me loving sparkles and how now I'm going to get the sparkliest thing of all. I'm looking for the weightier coming back with a sparkler or a disco ball. Turns back to shaun...... he's disappeared, then I look down and theirs the sparkle not only in his hand but in his eyes.
Little did he know he'd only chosen the page after id stuck all my things in from an ann summers party. We had played a game you had to list an A-Z off rude words! So everyone is reading this book id made thinking no body would ever read it and my relatives are asking me if they sell a rampant rabbit in pets at home.
Now happiness is something totally different. Just waking up in my bed, when my rooms a tip and my sheets need changing brings me happiness A whole nights sleep without waking up having a nightmare, about the worst things you could imagine. To the point where I'm begging my husband to just let me end it all. I cant go on seeing these awful things and being told over and over I'm worthless and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it. I woke up once and my depression was just repeatedly telling me to kill myself.
Imagine going from weeks of this to one morning waking up and you have just dreamt about something silly. Like you turned into a beaver. That's true happiness. No fancy hotel, magical fairy castle, or a million pound could change this for me. Only time could and learning how to process these things could make me happy again. And to be honest I think if I had all that money and was living in a mansion. I would feel worse. Because you look around and think I have everything. A gorgeous baby, a loving husband and family, a shoe collection fit for Instagram. Surly I need a reason to feel like this. Like bereavement or money problems. Now I understand its not what you have or don't have.
How would life go back to normal? This is life now its going to be like this forever. Its like when you have a cold and you just accept your nose is always going to be blocked. Goodbye sense of smell, then one day you wake up and waaalaaaa. You realise your colleague still has violent coffee breath. How good does it feel?
Well I'm starting to feel me again. Depression wouldn't allow me to do the things I loved. Things I took for granted before. Going to the gym, listening to music, making shitty things like wooden spoons with faces on (no judgement here guys). But what makes me really happy is filling in my scrapbook. My whole life is in their. Every time I do something fun, Like go out for a few drinks and end up partying the night away VIP with celebs and ending up in NOW magazine. I put I reminder in my scrap book be it a label of a bottle of prosecco or the piece off tissue that had been stuck to my foot all night.
I remember sat crying saying I'm gone just throw it all away. Its pointless now that's my old life. My therapist told me "You will be that person again, you will enjoy life again." 100% I thought it was all a lie. I've not updated my scrapbook for over a year. So to sit and do it again means going back over everything again. Coming face to face to life before the devil replaced it.
Well guess what I did last night. I got out the PVA all my arty farty bits, glitter, feathers pegs with cupcakes on (don't ask) but most important of all I got out my memories. And I made a start sticking them all in.
Can you believe Shaun used the scrap book to pop the question. We was eating in a castle in Cheshire and he asks for the bill. Instead of getting the bill I was presented with my scrap book. And on the page was all pictures from our relationship, our first Christmas, first holiday, everything. And he had wrote a nice little verse about me loving sparkles and how now I'm going to get the sparkliest thing of all. I'm looking for the weightier coming back with a sparkler or a disco ball. Turns back to shaun...... he's disappeared, then I look down and theirs the sparkle not only in his hand but in his eyes.
Little did he know he'd only chosen the page after id stuck all my things in from an ann summers party. We had played a game you had to list an A-Z off rude words! So everyone is reading this book id made thinking no body would ever read it and my relatives are asking me if they sell a rampant rabbit in pets at home.
Saturday, 24 November 2018
our new world
Still on a high due to yesterday. Now everyone in my life is aware of what we have been dealing with. I've not had 1 negative response. My phone was going cray all night. So many kind messages. I'm truly overwhelmed. I haven't done this for sympathy, likes or views. I had no choice as I said before.
I may feel like I'm on a high today but I don't look it. I have the worst cold. And look like a cross between jedward and susan boyle. Its strange and I'm unsure if its just me. But sometimes I'm like do I have a cold or am Is it the depression ? do I dislike this food, or is it my depression? Its difficult to explain but if you feel like this id like to know is this a thing?
So I said id tell you how we adjusted to life with lottie. She came into the world with a bang. Literally she was so stuck they had to pull her out so hard, we heard a big pop then a little cry. Her being stuck was the reason i couldn't labour. She was in total wrong position, and could have never been born naturally. So if it wasn't for the amazing NHS we would have both died. I ended up having a spinal. The experience is so daunting, the room is so bright and big. During the operation I struggled to breath, talk and I was soooooo thirsty!
From going into theatre and her being born was minutes. And as soon as I heard that little cry I fell in love with her even more. And I get that same feeling each day she wakes up and gives me her massive dimply smile. I just love her more and more everyday!
Unfortunately we both had infections. So each night at 1am they would come and take her to ICU and give her her meds. I was also unwell. And was being checked on by a nurse regularly. The drugs where amazing, at one point I thought there was a fisherman outside my room and a pond. Shaun was brill he slept in a armchair that you could fold into a bed. The One that he had kept braking and every so often he would just ping backwards, like it was an ejector seat. It would be about 3am and id hear PING.
I swear my room became like a tap room. The nurses used to come in and have their diner with us, we would have about 3 nurses, a cleaner and a doctor all crammed in this tiny room having a catch up. After you have a section the first time you do certain things it hurts, the first time you stand up, laugh, wee shower wow the shower. It took me a while to brave it, a little tip after 3 days of labour DO NOT spray you mary with the shower head. OMG! the sting! the pain! It felt like a ball of fire for a good day. I thought I jet blasted my muff clean off! I had to get a mirror and check.
Our baby had no name the whole time I was pregnant, we finally decided the day we left the hospital. I always said when I saw her for the first time it would come to me. And the name that did was charlotte but this I felt was to long to go with our last name. So we agreed on Lottie. From day 1 she was such a good baby. Shaun did all the firsts with her got her dressed changed the nappy. He had to show me once I was better. He's done most of the night feeds. I remember on night I went to sleep around 11pm he was sat on the edge of the bed in his pjs nursing lottie. I woke up at 5am he's still in the same place just minus his and lotties clothes. He'd been sat their all night he'd been sick on pooed on then had to feed her then she was sick again he was just running round and round. Whilst I was oblivious snoring my head off.
Unfortunately for us their was no getting home and resting, adjusting to parenthood. That would be far to easy. It was house moving time the week after we got home! It wasn't supposed to happen like this, lottie was supposed to be about 3 weeks old at least but due to the fact she was late and we had to stay in hospital this is how it fell. Everyone else had to pack my things whilst I rested, undies the lot. It’s not ideal your new mother in law finding, your under the bed bag of sexyness Isit?
I loved our little flat and was so sad to move. But we needed a garden and more space. It was also frustrating because as a women you likes to nest. Make a home your home. Clean it from top to bottom put all the shitty ornament's on the windowsill that kind of thing. But I was not able to do that. When I was better I literally had no clue where any of my things where. Getting dressed was like a crystal maze challenge.
Not that I should have even been up getting dressed. But I had itchy feet I wanted to be able to be a mum and wife. And to have a home that looked like a home. Not having to climb over boxes to get to the sink. It was impossible to sort the house have a newborn and recover from a c-section. At this point I just felt like my house was a mess, just like my mind and my body. People wanted to come visit but we had no furniture. I was lucky to have a new baby, a new house, 2 new cars which I didn't no how to drive and a wedding ring that had not been on my finger a year. But I wish things had just happened a little slower.
Adjusting to all this newness was insane. One minute I'm trying to figure out how to work the cooker then I'm trying to fathom how to button up a sleep suit! I'm not saying this for sympathy, and people have probably done this a 1000 times but I'm wanting to paint a picture of how things was for me.
So once settled one thing after another kept happening. Disaster after disaster. A few week after we had been moved in some twat set fire to the back of our garden. While me and lottie was home! Ill blog about this next.
Must dash I'm starving, lottie is doing the downward dog, and my washing needs putting on the radiator's as it didn't dry on the line. What idiot puts washing on the line in November? When its foggy! I've been washing line deprived for 4 year I'm making the most of it.
I may feel like I'm on a high today but I don't look it. I have the worst cold. And look like a cross between jedward and susan boyle. Its strange and I'm unsure if its just me. But sometimes I'm like do I have a cold or am Is it the depression ? do I dislike this food, or is it my depression? Its difficult to explain but if you feel like this id like to know is this a thing?
So I said id tell you how we adjusted to life with lottie. She came into the world with a bang. Literally she was so stuck they had to pull her out so hard, we heard a big pop then a little cry. Her being stuck was the reason i couldn't labour. She was in total wrong position, and could have never been born naturally. So if it wasn't for the amazing NHS we would have both died. I ended up having a spinal. The experience is so daunting, the room is so bright and big. During the operation I struggled to breath, talk and I was soooooo thirsty!
From going into theatre and her being born was minutes. And as soon as I heard that little cry I fell in love with her even more. And I get that same feeling each day she wakes up and gives me her massive dimply smile. I just love her more and more everyday!
Unfortunately we both had infections. So each night at 1am they would come and take her to ICU and give her her meds. I was also unwell. And was being checked on by a nurse regularly. The drugs where amazing, at one point I thought there was a fisherman outside my room and a pond. Shaun was brill he slept in a armchair that you could fold into a bed. The One that he had kept braking and every so often he would just ping backwards, like it was an ejector seat. It would be about 3am and id hear PING.
I swear my room became like a tap room. The nurses used to come in and have their diner with us, we would have about 3 nurses, a cleaner and a doctor all crammed in this tiny room having a catch up. After you have a section the first time you do certain things it hurts, the first time you stand up, laugh, wee shower wow the shower. It took me a while to brave it, a little tip after 3 days of labour DO NOT spray you mary with the shower head. OMG! the sting! the pain! It felt like a ball of fire for a good day. I thought I jet blasted my muff clean off! I had to get a mirror and check.
Our baby had no name the whole time I was pregnant, we finally decided the day we left the hospital. I always said when I saw her for the first time it would come to me. And the name that did was charlotte but this I felt was to long to go with our last name. So we agreed on Lottie. From day 1 she was such a good baby. Shaun did all the firsts with her got her dressed changed the nappy. He had to show me once I was better. He's done most of the night feeds. I remember on night I went to sleep around 11pm he was sat on the edge of the bed in his pjs nursing lottie. I woke up at 5am he's still in the same place just minus his and lotties clothes. He'd been sat their all night he'd been sick on pooed on then had to feed her then she was sick again he was just running round and round. Whilst I was oblivious snoring my head off.
Unfortunately for us their was no getting home and resting, adjusting to parenthood. That would be far to easy. It was house moving time the week after we got home! It wasn't supposed to happen like this, lottie was supposed to be about 3 weeks old at least but due to the fact she was late and we had to stay in hospital this is how it fell. Everyone else had to pack my things whilst I rested, undies the lot. It’s not ideal your new mother in law finding, your under the bed bag of sexyness Isit?
I loved our little flat and was so sad to move. But we needed a garden and more space. It was also frustrating because as a women you likes to nest. Make a home your home. Clean it from top to bottom put all the shitty ornament's on the windowsill that kind of thing. But I was not able to do that. When I was better I literally had no clue where any of my things where. Getting dressed was like a crystal maze challenge.
Not that I should have even been up getting dressed. But I had itchy feet I wanted to be able to be a mum and wife. And to have a home that looked like a home. Not having to climb over boxes to get to the sink. It was impossible to sort the house have a newborn and recover from a c-section. At this point I just felt like my house was a mess, just like my mind and my body. People wanted to come visit but we had no furniture. I was lucky to have a new baby, a new house, 2 new cars which I didn't no how to drive and a wedding ring that had not been on my finger a year. But I wish things had just happened a little slower.
Adjusting to all this newness was insane. One minute I'm trying to figure out how to work the cooker then I'm trying to fathom how to button up a sleep suit! I'm not saying this for sympathy, and people have probably done this a 1000 times but I'm wanting to paint a picture of how things was for me.
So once settled one thing after another kept happening. Disaster after disaster. A few week after we had been moved in some twat set fire to the back of our garden. While me and lottie was home! Ill blog about this next.
Must dash I'm starving, lottie is doing the downward dog, and my washing needs putting on the radiator's as it didn't dry on the line. What idiot puts washing on the line in November? When its foggy! I've been washing line deprived for 4 year I'm making the most of it.
Friday, 23 November 2018
you get to meet the person behind the screen, i meet pro green!
Things have changed A LOT since my last blog. Lets start at the top. My health team invited me to a casual gathering at my hospital hopewood. To celebrate the opening and professor green was doing the official opening. id been told I’d be mingling with the other mums,. MY aim was to blend in, so my bright orange trench coat was a definite no! to How silly of me to believe this would actually happen. I never just blend in. I was sceptical of to go or not. But a spritz of my best perfume and I was on my way. Obvs with Mary j bridge blasting to give me that girl power boost.
Anyway It was mr greens birthday 2 days previous so I took him a silly card in case I got to say hi.
I turned up, and instead of following the rest of the crowd I was sent off separately. Got to where I needed to be and its just me and some official scary looking people. So I'm thinking have a come to the wrong place. Anyway a member of staff says "thank god your on time"
Confussed I replied "what do you mean on time for what?"
"professor green is just in that room, he will be out to meet you in a second, would you mind signing this form to say you don't mind having photos taken and published"
I was so freaked, and panicking and I still have no idea why I was the only mum their to meet and greet. All I was told is I was the chosen one? (I think everyone else said no haha)
So over he comes, que sweating shaking and nervous babble. Id painted my nails green you would think this was his fave colour. He coreected me its black. I told him id had his music on, on the way over but had to turn it off as it was making me feel sick about being in the same room as him. I also told him I was more nervous today than I was on my wedding day, and how if it wasn’t for him doing this special openeing id still be in my pjs! We spoke for a while and he even held lottie. I got to give him his card and I soon relaxed in his company.
We was then all sent up to the official opening, crowds can be a little over whelming but I was ok. Lots of people did talks and I learnt so much, I cant believe how simuar depression and anorexia is. The feeling of failer, disappointment and the urge to hurt yourself. Its both the same.
Somehow I was on the front row saying "erm should I even be on the front row", but apparently so. So their I was little old me and lottie mingling. FROW,
With pro green steps away, giving a fab speech. One thing he mentioned is how mental health shouldn't be labelled mental health. Its health. And that is so true. Remove the tag. We are not mental we are unwell.
This then leads to me doing interviews with radio stations and chatting to charitys. Who would like to work with me. The whole thing was crazy. Work with me why? Things was being said like " shes going to be a big help!"
"she's doing so well"
So strange I m still like what are these people being serious, is this a dream can I help people? Who knows where this will lead. But if nothing comes of it, Already I've got a little awareness out their by doing interviews. Even if capital fm edited it so bad! I sounded like such a dick they just put on about how I blogged and made some diner. After all id said all the positive helpful things and they publish that!
So now the world knows, its been on the radio my picture is all over twitter I'm on TV so its time to introduce us. My husband is called shaun my daughter is called lottie and I'm chelsey leigh Farnsworth. I'm laballed as depressed. Behind that I'm a fun out going women. I've been told I light up a room ( to much highlighter?) I can bring life to a party (because I get to pissed and make an absolute idiot of myself?) I’m a survivor!
So my worlds changed. My family are aware my friends. I wonder if moving forward any of my relationships will change. Will I be judged? will I be treated different? Either way I will keep blogging. And slowly my story will make more sense to people.
Anyway It was mr greens birthday 2 days previous so I took him a silly card in case I got to say hi.
I turned up, and instead of following the rest of the crowd I was sent off separately. Got to where I needed to be and its just me and some official scary looking people. So I'm thinking have a come to the wrong place. Anyway a member of staff says "thank god your on time"
Confussed I replied "what do you mean on time for what?"
"professor green is just in that room, he will be out to meet you in a second, would you mind signing this form to say you don't mind having photos taken and published"
I was so freaked, and panicking and I still have no idea why I was the only mum their to meet and greet. All I was told is I was the chosen one? (I think everyone else said no haha)
So over he comes, que sweating shaking and nervous babble. Id painted my nails green you would think this was his fave colour. He coreected me its black. I told him id had his music on, on the way over but had to turn it off as it was making me feel sick about being in the same room as him. I also told him I was more nervous today than I was on my wedding day, and how if it wasn’t for him doing this special openeing id still be in my pjs! We spoke for a while and he even held lottie. I got to give him his card and I soon relaxed in his company.
We was then all sent up to the official opening, crowds can be a little over whelming but I was ok. Lots of people did talks and I learnt so much, I cant believe how simuar depression and anorexia is. The feeling of failer, disappointment and the urge to hurt yourself. Its both the same.
Somehow I was on the front row saying "erm should I even be on the front row", but apparently so. So their I was little old me and lottie mingling. FROW,
With pro green steps away, giving a fab speech. One thing he mentioned is how mental health shouldn't be labelled mental health. Its health. And that is so true. Remove the tag. We are not mental we are unwell.
This then leads to me doing interviews with radio stations and chatting to charitys. Who would like to work with me. The whole thing was crazy. Work with me why? Things was being said like " shes going to be a big help!"
"she's doing so well"
So strange I m still like what are these people being serious, is this a dream can I help people? Who knows where this will lead. But if nothing comes of it, Already I've got a little awareness out their by doing interviews. Even if capital fm edited it so bad! I sounded like such a dick they just put on about how I blogged and made some diner. After all id said all the positive helpful things and they publish that!
So now the world knows, its been on the radio my picture is all over twitter I'm on TV so its time to introduce us. My husband is called shaun my daughter is called lottie and I'm chelsey leigh Farnsworth. I'm laballed as depressed. Behind that I'm a fun out going women. I've been told I light up a room ( to much highlighter?) I can bring life to a party (because I get to pissed and make an absolute idiot of myself?) I’m a survivor!
So my worlds changed. My family are aware my friends. I wonder if moving forward any of my relationships will change. Will I be judged? will I be treated different? Either way I will keep blogging. And slowly my story will make more sense to people.
Wednesday, 21 November 2018
Lashes and prosecco
Just a little update about my night. Two blogs in one day, I don't think I've ever been so committed to anything since I had my Tamagotchi. I just got back from my evening with my friend. It was so good. I didn't feel like going after my Debbie downer earlier, but its just another slap in the face to my depression. We had such a good chat like we always do. I don't have loads of real close friends. But the ones I do have I hold dear to my heart. I'm an all or nothing girl. I give my everything to a relationship. Its a speak to me everyday or I'm blocking you kind of thing. Just kidding! .......Its every 2 days really.
Ive been open and honest abut my illness with a few of my friends. I was sceptical about opening up but now I'm glad I did. Because they get it, and if they don't they do a fab job at winging it. They don't judge me. Some have found it harder than others but in the end nothings changed. We are all still bonkers and love to sit and facebook stalk random people.They didn't make me feel any less of a person for being depressed.
Back to tonight. Once I got up and started getting ready there was no stopping me. I sported lashes and everything #MILF. Look how things can change in a few hours just from putting in a little effort as hard as it may seem its worth it. I even drove the long way home. All by myself listening to a bit of mary j blidge (don't judge me I'm stuck in the 90s). I honestly nearly fainted from trying to hold a note for so long.
I drove I was happy and most off all I trusted myself. I wasn't going to crash the car or do anything else to put my life in danger. I just had to reassure myself of that and away a was. Air grabbing and pretending I was on the x factor.
Ive been open and honest abut my illness with a few of my friends. I was sceptical about opening up but now I'm glad I did. Because they get it, and if they don't they do a fab job at winging it. They don't judge me. Some have found it harder than others but in the end nothings changed. We are all still bonkers and love to sit and facebook stalk random people.They didn't make me feel any less of a person for being depressed.
Back to tonight. Once I got up and started getting ready there was no stopping me. I sported lashes and everything #MILF. Look how things can change in a few hours just from putting in a little effort as hard as it may seem its worth it. I even drove the long way home. All by myself listening to a bit of mary j blidge (don't judge me I'm stuck in the 90s). I honestly nearly fainted from trying to hold a note for so long.
I drove I was happy and most off all I trusted myself. I wasn't going to crash the car or do anything else to put my life in danger. I just had to reassure myself of that and away a was. Air grabbing and pretending I was on the x factor.
teething pain, and a battle with my brain!
Hope you enjoyed my last post about my labour. For now I'm going to update you on the past few days. Which have not been brill for me. Monday I did NOTHING! I was such a little slob. I didn't wash up, empty the nappy bin, make dinner. Hubby got in from work and I was just like sorry but I'm having a day off. I was hormonal spotty and I went to my nans with bean juice down my leg.
I'm not normally a messy cow but Cinderella needed a day off. And reece did a brill job in his pink marigolds. I did start to feel a little guilty when he still hadn't sat down at 9 at night. But I still didn't shift my butt. To all you mums out their take a day off I dare you! Unfortunately my mood hasn't improved since. I'm just going down and down and the negative thoughts are creeping back in! And its so frustrating I just want to be me again.
And to top it off Dolly is teething. Either that or she's possessed. If I even THINK about leaving her side she kicks off. She has been an angel child up until this point. Now I'm experiencing real motherhood and its not easy. How are you supposed to even go to the toilet? I tried leaving her to cry but 45 minutes later I'm close to tears myself, so I just had to give in! Reece got in and I just passed her over and begged for an hours piece and quiet. And a chance to eat and put some pants on. After that hour, I was back in mum mode and was calm. So if anybody has any magical tips for teething please please save me!
And I've done it all again today. All I've ate is chocolate, this girls got me running round like crazy! How long does teething last? I want my giggle pants back. And what's even worse when Reece gets home she doesn't seem to be as bad. So it appears to him like I am just being a drama queen.
On a more positive note I am off out with a friend tonight. I might have a cheeky prosecco, and hopefully my mood will improve.
Alcohol is a depressant I know. But I've been told to try and be me more. As a way of shifting the depression. And if a mid week glass of prosecco was the old me then pass me the bottle. Whilst I was unaware of what I was suffering with, I just changed my life completely. I stopped all things I enjoyed no fizzy pop, no cups of coffee, I didn't even care what food I ate. Now I understand things more, I'm aware I stopped all those things, because the depression stripped me as a person. Wanting to remove all my joy. But I have to rise above it. This doesn't mean going out and getting hammered or doing things to the extreme but just building myself up bit by bit.
So here I am again at the bottom having to fight my way to the top again. And that little glass of prosecco and a giggle with my friend is the first step. Depression can push me down and down but I'm always going to try to push it aside. Or more likely tell it "to go fuck itself"
So wish me luck, and I hope my next post will be all positive. And if you find yourself in the same position I am in. Go and find the old you. Start small, I really enjoy doing makeup so I started here. That was the very start of my recovery. Painting my face is like painting my heart from black to red. And I looked a million times better for it, its amazing what a bit of contour can do! Dolly was like who the fuck is this glamour puss and where's the eye bags?".... or eye suitcases.
So if you find your going mad battling your thoughts. Instead of putting all your energy into trying to force them away. Just simply get up and do you. What ever that is go for a walk, paint your nails or even just have a chat with the postman. My postman has no idea how big a deal it was to me standing chatting away to him. But I'm sure he enjoyed the chats as much as I did. People are kinder than you think. So kind that he didn't even mention my to tight onesie and messy hair!
Chat soon sexpots!
P.s blogging this has improved my mood! See do you it helps.
I'm not normally a messy cow but Cinderella needed a day off. And reece did a brill job in his pink marigolds. I did start to feel a little guilty when he still hadn't sat down at 9 at night. But I still didn't shift my butt. To all you mums out their take a day off I dare you! Unfortunately my mood hasn't improved since. I'm just going down and down and the negative thoughts are creeping back in! And its so frustrating I just want to be me again.
And to top it off Dolly is teething. Either that or she's possessed. If I even THINK about leaving her side she kicks off. She has been an angel child up until this point. Now I'm experiencing real motherhood and its not easy. How are you supposed to even go to the toilet? I tried leaving her to cry but 45 minutes later I'm close to tears myself, so I just had to give in! Reece got in and I just passed her over and begged for an hours piece and quiet. And a chance to eat and put some pants on. After that hour, I was back in mum mode and was calm. So if anybody has any magical tips for teething please please save me!
And I've done it all again today. All I've ate is chocolate, this girls got me running round like crazy! How long does teething last? I want my giggle pants back. And what's even worse when Reece gets home she doesn't seem to be as bad. So it appears to him like I am just being a drama queen.
On a more positive note I am off out with a friend tonight. I might have a cheeky prosecco, and hopefully my mood will improve.
Alcohol is a depressant I know. But I've been told to try and be me more. As a way of shifting the depression. And if a mid week glass of prosecco was the old me then pass me the bottle. Whilst I was unaware of what I was suffering with, I just changed my life completely. I stopped all things I enjoyed no fizzy pop, no cups of coffee, I didn't even care what food I ate. Now I understand things more, I'm aware I stopped all those things, because the depression stripped me as a person. Wanting to remove all my joy. But I have to rise above it. This doesn't mean going out and getting hammered or doing things to the extreme but just building myself up bit by bit.
So here I am again at the bottom having to fight my way to the top again. And that little glass of prosecco and a giggle with my friend is the first step. Depression can push me down and down but I'm always going to try to push it aside. Or more likely tell it "to go fuck itself"
So wish me luck, and I hope my next post will be all positive. And if you find yourself in the same position I am in. Go and find the old you. Start small, I really enjoy doing makeup so I started here. That was the very start of my recovery. Painting my face is like painting my heart from black to red. And I looked a million times better for it, its amazing what a bit of contour can do! Dolly was like who the fuck is this glamour puss and where's the eye bags?".... or eye suitcases.
So if you find your going mad battling your thoughts. Instead of putting all your energy into trying to force them away. Just simply get up and do you. What ever that is go for a walk, paint your nails or even just have a chat with the postman. My postman has no idea how big a deal it was to me standing chatting away to him. But I'm sure he enjoyed the chats as much as I did. People are kinder than you think. So kind that he didn't even mention my to tight onesie and messy hair!
Chat soon sexpots!
P.s blogging this has improved my mood! See do you it helps.
Monday, 19 November 2018
Do me a favour just let me have a normal natural labour
Its blog time baby. And this one I'm going to chat about my labour. So I left my last post at the point where my waters had broke after 2 days having contractions. Believe it or not that point when I was at home contracting was the most painful and stressful times for me. Its terrifying labouring for the first time. You've had like 5 contractions your sure the baby is going to come any second. Wish I had known it has to get a lot worse before baby makes an appearance. Once I was admitted to hospital I was so much calmer. Due to being in an environment where I knew I was safe. Not at home watching boss baby, not sleeping worrying that reece and Sheila across the road will be delivering my baby. Like I say once I was admitted I was so calm. Even in active labour I never lost control. I just let it be.
Anyway I thought once your waters broke you had one gush. The fact it just kept coming every so often and splatting on the flood like an over filled water bomb was so embarrassing. I kept trying to mop it up. The midwife assured me "leave it we have cleaners for that" I was like you need more that just cleaners for this your going to need a plumber!! I ended up in the toilet hiding.
Once the water stopped things happened pretty quick. I kept refusing gas and air because I wanted to have it when the pain got worse so I would feel the benefit. The midwife literally shoved it in my mouth telling me this is worse now suck! To this I ranted "if id sucked in the first place I wouldn't be in the position". Awks!
Then it was into the pool I went. Ladies I loved the pool. Even though I didn't end up giving birth in here it was just so good for me. All the lights was dimmed and mood lighting was on and relaxing music was being played. The essential oils where wafting around. I would have muched prefured to have been in with a glass of prosecco and at the least a bikini on. But for now its me panting like a dog with my white ass stuck in the air!
In a strange way I was enjoying it, I think that was because with dolly being breach I didn't think id get the opportunity to give birth. I just kept saying "I'm doing this" I even got the urge to push a few times. Unfortunately this urge died off. And my spa day was over.
After a few hours floating around like a whale while reece flirted with the student I had to get out the pool. Don't think I let this flirtathon slide oh no I gave them both what for. Looking back now they wasn't flirting but I was extra sensitive. And 13 stone with hairy armpits my confidence wasn't at its peek.
I was then sent to a normal room. Where I laboured for agers. Things had just paused. I was stuck at 8cm. The midwife advised me to have an epidural but I kept refusing and just had pain killers. I wanted things to be as natural as possible.
Another 4 hours passed and several examinations and I finally gave in and had an epidural. Which the doctor didn't want to do as I was contracting and he was worried I may move when he did it, which may lead to me being paralised. But the midwife was adamant. The room was full of medical staff when he did it. By this point id been in active labour for like 12 hours, and sruck at 8cm for what felt like forever. Just a few more cm and I would be able to push!
The epidural didn't work so it had to be topped up. Everything was going wrong. My contractions where not regular some where huge, some where tiny, the timings would be seconds apart then would wait agers for the next. Even the drip they had me on had been put in wrong and my hand went fucking massive. Like huge!
Hands where going in and out my muff like it was a bloody vending machine. After 16 hours of active labour, By this point I had infections and so did baby. I was out of it had no clue what was going off. They broke the news to me that I was going to have to have an emergency C-section. Once I was told this, Its like I could see clear again. Yes it was the last thing I wanted, Id given everything to avoid this outcome. I asked everyone to leave the room I just sat and cried for a while. But it was over and once I knew this its like I came round and was able to talk and respond again. So off I was wheeled to surgery chatting away about sparkly shoes.
A cute little thing we did. From my first contraction we snapped little videos of what was happening. We found this really fun to do and a great distraction. If I was mid contraction reece would just wack the phone out like "come on you don't want to look a wuss on camara". We even made a little music video.
Ill update you soon onwhy labour wasn't happening and life was once dolly made an appearance. The happy times and when depression entered our life. When I wanted to end my life and saved someone else's. Being called a hero by people whilst depression is calling me a failure.
On a more positive note I slept all night last night. No scoffing a chochi orange at 3am and whilst watching love island. So tonight I'm going to try and sleep without meds which I relied on since Friday. Time to wash the bean juice off my leg that i've been wearing since 9am.
Anyway I thought once your waters broke you had one gush. The fact it just kept coming every so often and splatting on the flood like an over filled water bomb was so embarrassing. I kept trying to mop it up. The midwife assured me "leave it we have cleaners for that" I was like you need more that just cleaners for this your going to need a plumber!! I ended up in the toilet hiding.
Once the water stopped things happened pretty quick. I kept refusing gas and air because I wanted to have it when the pain got worse so I would feel the benefit. The midwife literally shoved it in my mouth telling me this is worse now suck! To this I ranted "if id sucked in the first place I wouldn't be in the position". Awks!
Then it was into the pool I went. Ladies I loved the pool. Even though I didn't end up giving birth in here it was just so good for me. All the lights was dimmed and mood lighting was on and relaxing music was being played. The essential oils where wafting around. I would have muched prefured to have been in with a glass of prosecco and at the least a bikini on. But for now its me panting like a dog with my white ass stuck in the air!
In a strange way I was enjoying it, I think that was because with dolly being breach I didn't think id get the opportunity to give birth. I just kept saying "I'm doing this" I even got the urge to push a few times. Unfortunately this urge died off. And my spa day was over.
After a few hours floating around like a whale while reece flirted with the student I had to get out the pool. Don't think I let this flirtathon slide oh no I gave them both what for. Looking back now they wasn't flirting but I was extra sensitive. And 13 stone with hairy armpits my confidence wasn't at its peek.
I was then sent to a normal room. Where I laboured for agers. Things had just paused. I was stuck at 8cm. The midwife advised me to have an epidural but I kept refusing and just had pain killers. I wanted things to be as natural as possible.
Another 4 hours passed and several examinations and I finally gave in and had an epidural. Which the doctor didn't want to do as I was contracting and he was worried I may move when he did it, which may lead to me being paralised. But the midwife was adamant. The room was full of medical staff when he did it. By this point id been in active labour for like 12 hours, and sruck at 8cm for what felt like forever. Just a few more cm and I would be able to push!
The epidural didn't work so it had to be topped up. Everything was going wrong. My contractions where not regular some where huge, some where tiny, the timings would be seconds apart then would wait agers for the next. Even the drip they had me on had been put in wrong and my hand went fucking massive. Like huge!
Hands where going in and out my muff like it was a bloody vending machine. After 16 hours of active labour, By this point I had infections and so did baby. I was out of it had no clue what was going off. They broke the news to me that I was going to have to have an emergency C-section. Once I was told this, Its like I could see clear again. Yes it was the last thing I wanted, Id given everything to avoid this outcome. I asked everyone to leave the room I just sat and cried for a while. But it was over and once I knew this its like I came round and was able to talk and respond again. So off I was wheeled to surgery chatting away about sparkly shoes.
A cute little thing we did. From my first contraction we snapped little videos of what was happening. We found this really fun to do and a great distraction. If I was mid contraction reece would just wack the phone out like "come on you don't want to look a wuss on camara". We even made a little music video.
Ill update you soon onwhy labour wasn't happening and life was once dolly made an appearance. The happy times and when depression entered our life. When I wanted to end my life and saved someone else's. Being called a hero by people whilst depression is calling me a failure.
On a more positive note I slept all night last night. No scoffing a chochi orange at 3am and whilst watching love island. So tonight I'm going to try and sleep without meds which I relied on since Friday. Time to wash the bean juice off my leg that i've been wearing since 9am.
Saturday, 17 November 2018
shopping and knicker dropping
A little update. I've googled can you die from crying. The good news is no you cant! Thank fuck because if you could id have been a gonner last night. Anyway I feel so much better today. I slept pants. I had a few bad dreams. And was worried I would get judged for my last post. But I think I'm safe I only have 5 readers lol.
So today I got my shit together as all mums do .And dolly had her first swimming lesson. She loves the water but just like her mum and dad she didn't want to do what the instructor said, she wanted to try and grab the other kids and play, (me and reece don't go round grabbing kids, just to put the record straight, I just mean we are easily distracted!) I had to get down to by birthday suit in front of all the other mums. I wasn't that nervous once I was bare butt naked, at the end off the day we all have one tit bigger than the other! A lot of the mums went in the cubicle but I just couldn't be arsed the cart all my stuff across the dressing room. So I just went with it.
After swimming it was food shop time. We spent a bomb but still have nothing to eat all week! We have a tiff every time we go shopping, as reece insists on taking a list and having to stop and cross things off every time we put something in the trolly. He also feels the need to quiz me on it. "pasta?"
"yes"
"hot dogs?"
"yeeeees"
"soup"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP or soup will be the only thing you will be able to consume in a minute " By this point I don't care if Gloria on isle 3 hears me.
I managed to pick up some Christmas gifts as well. I am the shittest present giver ever I'm just so random. For example I picked my friend up huge flower print knickers. The kind you can tuck your tits in. She's pregnany she doesn't realise it yet but she will need them. I might grab her some pile cream also. Ill just write on the tag "gifts from the north PILE". Mums got some teatowels and reece has a giant bib with suckers on that stick to the mirror to catch the hairs when you are shaving!
So today I got my shit together as all mums do .And dolly had her first swimming lesson. She loves the water but just like her mum and dad she didn't want to do what the instructor said, she wanted to try and grab the other kids and play, (me and reece don't go round grabbing kids, just to put the record straight, I just mean we are easily distracted!) I had to get down to by birthday suit in front of all the other mums. I wasn't that nervous once I was bare butt naked, at the end off the day we all have one tit bigger than the other! A lot of the mums went in the cubicle but I just couldn't be arsed the cart all my stuff across the dressing room. So I just went with it.
After swimming it was food shop time. We spent a bomb but still have nothing to eat all week! We have a tiff every time we go shopping, as reece insists on taking a list and having to stop and cross things off every time we put something in the trolly. He also feels the need to quiz me on it. "pasta?"
"yes"
"hot dogs?"
"yeeeees"
"soup"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP or soup will be the only thing you will be able to consume in a minute " By this point I don't care if Gloria on isle 3 hears me.
I managed to pick up some Christmas gifts as well. I am the shittest present giver ever I'm just so random. For example I picked my friend up huge flower print knickers. The kind you can tuck your tits in. She's pregnany she doesn't realise it yet but she will need them. I might grab her some pile cream also. Ill just write on the tag "gifts from the north PILE". Mums got some teatowels and reece has a giant bib with suckers on that stick to the mirror to catch the hairs when you are shaving!
Friday, 16 November 2018
Meet pony, my person....my hardest blog so far
I'm alive. After burglar bill tried to break in last night. Nothing really much to say on that matter just the fact I shit myself. But as I said I was on the sofa laid in my pants so if that didn't scare him off I could have wacked him with the toblarone.
Today I had an appointment with my therapist. It started all giggles, about my crappy Yorkshire puddings, and reece almost drowning when we went skinny dipping in Greece. Shame it ended in tears. Now I cant slag her off to much because I know she reads this! But the crazy lady wants me to switch my weekly appointment to monthly. This makes my stomach feel like its going to drop out my dimply arse. I will refer to my therapist as pony because she always wears her hair in a pony and she kicks depressions ass! So anyway when pony told me about the appointments (or lack off) I saw red and slapped the bitch. Haha this is a massive lie I just said it to make you laugh! The truth is I burst into tears. And I cried all the way home.
The reason for this is I don't feel ready. I Will still see my 2 other care works, but pony is the person that's been with me from day 1. The person I bared my sole to. Yano when you meet someone and you just click, that was how I felt with pony. She broke down my wales, opened me up and saw the true depth of my depression. But she also saw my "sparkle" she new their was a big character in their somewhere, we just had to find it. And here I am I have my sparkle back.
God I'm crying again, this is so hard to write and accept. Accept that I'm moving forward and letting go of my safety net. Literally when I fall she catches me, so what if I fall now? Its just making me realise one day I will have to stand alone. When this is all taken away, all the appointments, support and the new friends I've made at the clinic.
Apparently I need to trust myself. Trust that I can be free, Free to live again, laugh again and do the things I enjoy. Like getting reece to pretend we are on a date when he takes me out for diner. I literally make him drive round the block, then pip when he is outside our house. I then get in the car and pretend i've never met him. I think its hilarious he bloody hates it. But he plays along a little.
I managed to barter my way to getting an appointment in 2 and a half weeks. Still scary as hell. But I knew deep down pony couldn't last a month either. Who else is going to tell her, its obvious her hair doesn't have natural highlights and my husband thought she was a lesbian?
So after that little downer it diazepam and chill for me. Not needed a diazepam in agers, but needs must. Sometimes I fell like taking one is failing. I try to reassure myself its not, its accepting I'm not ok right now. I'm not unwell I'm not getting intrusive thought's I'm just sad and scared. I think by tomorrow I will have realised, its a another little nudge in the right direction.
Also the clinic staff gave me a terrys chocolate orange. If that doesn't lift my mood what will? Fuck the nothing tastes as good as skinny feels bollox, I used to tell myself. That was before I realised a gut doesn't just go after a little run, wearing a face full of makeup and hot pants. Oh no I live in a new world now. The world of mum bod. A free pass to not wear a bra, live in your pjs and never going on top!
Have a good weekend sexpots :) Hopefully when I do my next blog I would have stopped crying, if their is never another blog i've probably died from dehydration, loss of water via my eyeballs. If this happens please put on my headstone "girls just wanna have fun" and play another one bites the dust.
9
Today I had an appointment with my therapist. It started all giggles, about my crappy Yorkshire puddings, and reece almost drowning when we went skinny dipping in Greece. Shame it ended in tears. Now I cant slag her off to much because I know she reads this! But the crazy lady wants me to switch my weekly appointment to monthly. This makes my stomach feel like its going to drop out my dimply arse. I will refer to my therapist as pony because she always wears her hair in a pony and she kicks depressions ass! So anyway when pony told me about the appointments (or lack off) I saw red and slapped the bitch. Haha this is a massive lie I just said it to make you laugh! The truth is I burst into tears. And I cried all the way home.
The reason for this is I don't feel ready. I Will still see my 2 other care works, but pony is the person that's been with me from day 1. The person I bared my sole to. Yano when you meet someone and you just click, that was how I felt with pony. She broke down my wales, opened me up and saw the true depth of my depression. But she also saw my "sparkle" she new their was a big character in their somewhere, we just had to find it. And here I am I have my sparkle back.
God I'm crying again, this is so hard to write and accept. Accept that I'm moving forward and letting go of my safety net. Literally when I fall she catches me, so what if I fall now? Its just making me realise one day I will have to stand alone. When this is all taken away, all the appointments, support and the new friends I've made at the clinic.
Apparently I need to trust myself. Trust that I can be free, Free to live again, laugh again and do the things I enjoy. Like getting reece to pretend we are on a date when he takes me out for diner. I literally make him drive round the block, then pip when he is outside our house. I then get in the car and pretend i've never met him. I think its hilarious he bloody hates it. But he plays along a little.
I managed to barter my way to getting an appointment in 2 and a half weeks. Still scary as hell. But I knew deep down pony couldn't last a month either. Who else is going to tell her, its obvious her hair doesn't have natural highlights and my husband thought she was a lesbian?
So after that little downer it diazepam and chill for me. Not needed a diazepam in agers, but needs must. Sometimes I fell like taking one is failing. I try to reassure myself its not, its accepting I'm not ok right now. I'm not unwell I'm not getting intrusive thought's I'm just sad and scared. I think by tomorrow I will have realised, its a another little nudge in the right direction.
Also the clinic staff gave me a terrys chocolate orange. If that doesn't lift my mood what will? Fuck the nothing tastes as good as skinny feels bollox, I used to tell myself. That was before I realised a gut doesn't just go after a little run, wearing a face full of makeup and hot pants. Oh no I live in a new world now. The world of mum bod. A free pass to not wear a bra, live in your pjs and never going on top!
Have a good weekend sexpots :) Hopefully when I do my next blog I would have stopped crying, if their is never another blog i've probably died from dehydration, loss of water via my eyeballs. If this happens please put on my headstone "girls just wanna have fun" and play another one bites the dust.
9
Thursday, 15 November 2018
Bathbombs, blogging and attempted break ins
Oh wow last night took a turn. I ended my post because dolly finally had a poo. Well things went from bad to much worse. We cleaned her up best we could. I say we because it was a 2 man job! One on legs one on wipe. Once semi clean we popped her in the bath. She was being all cute, me and reece was giggling away at her like we always do " ohhhh look at her splashing" next minute she does a little fart and we think its the best thing in the world, "ohhh look she farted in the bath how cute". Then BOOM the bath was full with shit! #BATHBOMB
Tonight's been a lot less drama free. We have had another poop explosion but nothing a bit of vanish cant handle. And guess what? Reece has gone to the cinema without me. Which means I get some me time. I literally can not remember the last time this happened. Due to the fact I haven't been wanting to be alone. And reece has felt like he needs to stay with me to make sure I'm ok. By ok I mean I'm not going to freak out and start wanting to harm myself with every object I come into contact with. But now we are moving forward. He can trust me and I trust myself.
So I had big plans for tonight, do my nails, pop some memories in my scrap book. So far i've laid on the sofa in my pants snuggling dolly, eating a giant toblerone. And I'm not moving. The nails are not getting done if anyone asks I will just say the chipped look is a vintage style.
Up to now I've posted about the lead up to birth. After the ECV I was just waiting to go into labour. And she made me wait. I was almost 42 weeks when she finally made and appearance. I had several sweeps, I ate the hottest food I could find, had sex, and went for walks.You name it I tried it but she just was not budging. And I was huge. Before my pregnancy I was just under 9st at the end of my pregnancy I was 13 stone. Every part have me had doubled in size. Id go to the supermarket, women would do a little smile and shoulder shrug combo and men would literally run in the other direction!
Nothing fit only a scabby pair of my mother in laws pjs and a bright purple dressing gown. This was what I had to hobble into the hospital wearing. Oh the shame, I looked like the purple chocolate you get from a tin of quality streets, With the big nut popping out the front. I mean who wants to hobble into the hospital, standing still every so often to screw my face up like I was sucking a lemon and moan like a whale. So embarrassing.
I had laboured for like a whole day by the time I was admitted to the hospital. Having the odd contraction I got little sleep. The plan was to have some pain relief get some rest and have my waters broke the next day. A shot of diamorphine and I felt like I was floating, off to sleep I went. Mumbling about how much I love the world.
Then the big day arrived I was minutes away from having my waters broke, but first I needed a wee. Of the the loo I went and WHHOOSSHH they broke on the toilet. PHEW. It was so funny I thought id had the baby I was like omg shes in the toilet! If it was only that easy.
OMFG got to go someone just tried to get in my house, thank god I have a chain on my door. Someone has obviously seen reece leave the house and not lock the door behind him. And decided to chance it later on in the night. Thinking nobody was in. Your probably wondering why I'm blogging. But i've had a panic, Reece and his brother are on the way. Chat soon
Tonight's been a lot less drama free. We have had another poop explosion but nothing a bit of vanish cant handle. And guess what? Reece has gone to the cinema without me. Which means I get some me time. I literally can not remember the last time this happened. Due to the fact I haven't been wanting to be alone. And reece has felt like he needs to stay with me to make sure I'm ok. By ok I mean I'm not going to freak out and start wanting to harm myself with every object I come into contact with. But now we are moving forward. He can trust me and I trust myself.
So I had big plans for tonight, do my nails, pop some memories in my scrap book. So far i've laid on the sofa in my pants snuggling dolly, eating a giant toblerone. And I'm not moving. The nails are not getting done if anyone asks I will just say the chipped look is a vintage style.
Up to now I've posted about the lead up to birth. After the ECV I was just waiting to go into labour. And she made me wait. I was almost 42 weeks when she finally made and appearance. I had several sweeps, I ate the hottest food I could find, had sex, and went for walks.You name it I tried it but she just was not budging. And I was huge. Before my pregnancy I was just under 9st at the end of my pregnancy I was 13 stone. Every part have me had doubled in size. Id go to the supermarket, women would do a little smile and shoulder shrug combo and men would literally run in the other direction!
Nothing fit only a scabby pair of my mother in laws pjs and a bright purple dressing gown. This was what I had to hobble into the hospital wearing. Oh the shame, I looked like the purple chocolate you get from a tin of quality streets, With the big nut popping out the front. I mean who wants to hobble into the hospital, standing still every so often to screw my face up like I was sucking a lemon and moan like a whale. So embarrassing.
I had laboured for like a whole day by the time I was admitted to the hospital. Having the odd contraction I got little sleep. The plan was to have some pain relief get some rest and have my waters broke the next day. A shot of diamorphine and I felt like I was floating, off to sleep I went. Mumbling about how much I love the world.
Then the big day arrived I was minutes away from having my waters broke, but first I needed a wee. Of the the loo I went and WHHOOSSHH they broke on the toilet. PHEW. It was so funny I thought id had the baby I was like omg shes in the toilet! If it was only that easy.
OMFG got to go someone just tried to get in my house, thank god I have a chain on my door. Someone has obviously seen reece leave the house and not lock the door behind him. And decided to chance it later on in the night. Thinking nobody was in. Your probably wondering why I'm blogging. But i've had a panic, Reece and his brother are on the way. Chat soon
Wednesday, 14 November 2018
Shitting, shaving my thoughts miss behaving
I said my next blog would be about my labour but, instead I want to chat about the last few days.
Depression wise I've had a little set back. Sunday night I decided to shave my legs, I don't no what came over me I never shave in the winter. I think it was because date night was coming up, and you never no what you might get up to after (wink wink)..
Enough of my hair care anyway (or lack of). Lets get back to the serious stuff, my first thought of self harm, was around 3 months ago. During shaving my legs, my mind started drifting. As it did when I was alone with no distractions. I prevented being alone and allowing time to think. It took me to a dark place every time. This particular time I began imagining pressing down with my razor and pulling all the skin from my leg.To the point where I pictured all the blood, and how it would feel.
In my life I've never self harmed or thought about doing so. I'm a happy go lucky positive person. So these intrusive thoughts came as a shock to me. I was so confused I started to shake, feel sick and I was scared. Scared of myself. Now I look back I had been in a low mood prior to this, id been crying, not as chatty (not like me AT all I am a total chatterbox) I had little interest in things I enjoyed like music, makeup and simple day to day things, we all do to make us happy. I just kept getting upset, i told my husband a little, he comforted me but I think he was a lost as to what to do.
Whilst I was shaving this week I did press down a little to hard on my leg so much so that i drew blood. This was a total accident, but I just freaked! It took me back to that first though of self harm. I was sure if anybody saw the cut they would doubt me and think it was deliberate. I also doubted that it was an accident. But that's the way the depression wants me to think, its a bastard.
This led me to being a little low. But I soon picked myself back up and reassured myself all was ok it was an accident. You just have to learn to not let set backs consume you. Don't focus on your negative thoughts, think of the positive like the fact, I'm doing well and have started to enjoy my own company again and want to be left alone without fear. From my first thought of self harm things got a lot worse, which will become apparent as I write more.
I don't want to focus to much on my PND. I aim to let it out a little at a time. After this blip things have returned to normal. Date night was good if you ignore the fact we was constantly worrying about dolly because shes teething and constipated. So we cut the date short. Rushed home to find her snug in bed. She slept from 6pm till 8am, Shes so lazy, its great. Turns out shaving my legs was a waste of time after all. No jiggy jiggy for us. Who has sex midweek anyway? its like sucking d**k after he puts a ring on it.
Today has been such a wash out. I should have been meeting with a friend in the day, then another at night and having my nephew in between ( just call me miss popular). Non of this has actually happened. My nephew is a typical teenager and realised he had other plans right at the last minute. And i've not seen my friends as i've not felt well. So I'm on bed rest which is impossible for me. I'm just to bloody active. Other people are doing my house work. Must be heaven I hear you say? its not heaven one bit. My sister pegged my washed out earlier. What the hell she hung it all upside down, inside out and back to front. I really appreciate it and I know I sound like I have OCD. But I'm sure we all have our own way of doing things right?.....or do I have OCD? who cares just don't make my washing look like it has been chucked on the line. So now I'm laid on the sofa drinking a coffee, that I no I will regret when I'm still awake at midnight. But hey live life on the edge and all that!
Got to dash now dolly has literally just pooped. Praise the lord Hallelujah.. Ill take the poo explosion all over the baby walker and shit stained clothes over her being in pain. A little tip water + prunes + poops.
Wish me luck
P.s I just got back from the pooathon and reece has carried dolly from one room to another nappy free. And shes crapped up his arm!!!! Not only does he talk crap now he smells like it to!!!
Depression wise I've had a little set back. Sunday night I decided to shave my legs, I don't no what came over me I never shave in the winter. I think it was because date night was coming up, and you never no what you might get up to after (wink wink)..
Enough of my hair care anyway (or lack of). Lets get back to the serious stuff, my first thought of self harm, was around 3 months ago. During shaving my legs, my mind started drifting. As it did when I was alone with no distractions. I prevented being alone and allowing time to think. It took me to a dark place every time. This particular time I began imagining pressing down with my razor and pulling all the skin from my leg.To the point where I pictured all the blood, and how it would feel.
In my life I've never self harmed or thought about doing so. I'm a happy go lucky positive person. So these intrusive thoughts came as a shock to me. I was so confused I started to shake, feel sick and I was scared. Scared of myself. Now I look back I had been in a low mood prior to this, id been crying, not as chatty (not like me AT all I am a total chatterbox) I had little interest in things I enjoyed like music, makeup and simple day to day things, we all do to make us happy. I just kept getting upset, i told my husband a little, he comforted me but I think he was a lost as to what to do.
Whilst I was shaving this week I did press down a little to hard on my leg so much so that i drew blood. This was a total accident, but I just freaked! It took me back to that first though of self harm. I was sure if anybody saw the cut they would doubt me and think it was deliberate. I also doubted that it was an accident. But that's the way the depression wants me to think, its a bastard.
This led me to being a little low. But I soon picked myself back up and reassured myself all was ok it was an accident. You just have to learn to not let set backs consume you. Don't focus on your negative thoughts, think of the positive like the fact, I'm doing well and have started to enjoy my own company again and want to be left alone without fear. From my first thought of self harm things got a lot worse, which will become apparent as I write more.
I don't want to focus to much on my PND. I aim to let it out a little at a time. After this blip things have returned to normal. Date night was good if you ignore the fact we was constantly worrying about dolly because shes teething and constipated. So we cut the date short. Rushed home to find her snug in bed. She slept from 6pm till 8am, Shes so lazy, its great. Turns out shaving my legs was a waste of time after all. No jiggy jiggy for us. Who has sex midweek anyway? its like sucking d**k after he puts a ring on it.
Today has been such a wash out. I should have been meeting with a friend in the day, then another at night and having my nephew in between ( just call me miss popular). Non of this has actually happened. My nephew is a typical teenager and realised he had other plans right at the last minute. And i've not seen my friends as i've not felt well. So I'm on bed rest which is impossible for me. I'm just to bloody active. Other people are doing my house work. Must be heaven I hear you say? its not heaven one bit. My sister pegged my washed out earlier. What the hell she hung it all upside down, inside out and back to front. I really appreciate it and I know I sound like I have OCD. But I'm sure we all have our own way of doing things right?.....or do I have OCD? who cares just don't make my washing look like it has been chucked on the line. So now I'm laid on the sofa drinking a coffee, that I no I will regret when I'm still awake at midnight. But hey live life on the edge and all that!
Got to dash now dolly has literally just pooped. Praise the lord Hallelujah.. Ill take the poo explosion all over the baby walker and shit stained clothes over her being in pain. A little tip water + prunes + poops.
Wish me luck
P.s I just got back from the pooathon and reece has carried dolly from one room to another nappy free. And shes crapped up his arm!!!! Not only does he talk crap now he smells like it to!!!
Tuesday, 13 November 2018
A blog about my ECV. By a super serious me!
First I shell start with a little update of what I have been up to since I last blogged. I've been to a baby scan with my bestie. And I'm sure the scanner women thought we was lesbians. Its not the first time this has happened to us. Also the carpets still covered in bleach, on the upside my house smells clean! And I'm not going to lie I have been constantly checking if i've had views on my blogs. The truth is no I haven't. I don't know what I expected. But I think I have 1 or 2 readers so I will carry on for them. And also I need to remember this is for me. To help me come to terms with all the trauma that has happened to me in the past 8 months. Which led to me having post natal depression. As my blogs go on you will understand what I'm talking about when I say trauma.
Before I suffered post natal depression I thought it was something minor. Maybe this is ignorant of me. That's a reason I want to blog. To provide awareness so people understand me and 100000s of others. Make people aware its more than just not wanting to hold your baby or a low mood. Its hell, I was consumed with thoughts of harming myself. I had no clue what was wrong with me. If I had have a chance to read a blog, like mine. Id have hopefully spotted the warning signs. But their is just nothing available. I did google PND to see if maybe that was what was wrong with me. But the information I found led me to believe I wasn't suffering from such a thing. I also seen an interview with a celeb. She stated she didn't want to be near her baby, due to her illness. Well done her for speaking out. But nobody says WHY they didn't want to hold the baby. And that's what I am going to try and get across.
As promised I am going to tell you my experience having an ECV. I chose this over having a C-section for my breech baby. As a C-section scares me. The big day came I walked into the hospital like I had a beach ball between my thighs, why does pregnancy make you walk like an idiot? I also got all glam.....POINTLESS little did I no my makeup would all slide off, and my sleek hair would end up like a birds nest. I walked out of the hospital looking like a cave girl in a daze.
Anyway The procedure was done by a nurse and a doctor and I had a midwife with me at all times. You get hooked up to a monitor so baby can be kept an eye on. And then you have an injection in your upper leg, I think this is to relax you for a better chance of the baby turning. I was told to expect a sharp scratch from the needle but wow it hurt pretty bad. She injected into my leg muscle and i've never had a prick like it (unless you count the one a dated in my teens). You have to wait a while for the injection to work, great opportunity for my husband to draw on the white board in the room with permanent fucking marker!
Once the medication was doing its job it was show time! Without warning one of the doctors starts jabbing into my lower pelvis with her hand karate style. I just had to tell her to stop and ask her to not just start on me like she was chopping wood, but could she talk me through the process as it was very daunting, and id deal with it better if I had a better understanding, of what she was doing why. So off she went again whak whak until they both had a hold of Dolly. And they started the turning process. From here it felt very surreal it felt like lots of pressure was being applied to my stomach. They was communicating like I wasn't there. But in the end did a brill job and dolly was finally in the correct petition. I was left a little shaken I just wasn't expecting it to be that bad. But the shock didn't last forever, and the pain is temporary.
By the next day I was feeling positive. Bring on labour. Get me in that birthing pool, its going to be easy from now on right? wrong! My next blog I will chat about my ever lasting labour and how I got my dream little girl in my most feared way.
Chat soon, I'm off for a date night tonight. Some adult time, watching the Grinch! But if he thinks I'm sitting in the shitty cheap seats he has another thing coming. Their has to be some perks to smuggling, 3 cans a monster, 2 bags of haribo and a small bottle of wine! And I have to fit my comfy socks and blanket in my handbag as well.
Before I suffered post natal depression I thought it was something minor. Maybe this is ignorant of me. That's a reason I want to blog. To provide awareness so people understand me and 100000s of others. Make people aware its more than just not wanting to hold your baby or a low mood. Its hell, I was consumed with thoughts of harming myself. I had no clue what was wrong with me. If I had have a chance to read a blog, like mine. Id have hopefully spotted the warning signs. But their is just nothing available. I did google PND to see if maybe that was what was wrong with me. But the information I found led me to believe I wasn't suffering from such a thing. I also seen an interview with a celeb. She stated she didn't want to be near her baby, due to her illness. Well done her for speaking out. But nobody says WHY they didn't want to hold the baby. And that's what I am going to try and get across.
As promised I am going to tell you my experience having an ECV. I chose this over having a C-section for my breech baby. As a C-section scares me. The big day came I walked into the hospital like I had a beach ball between my thighs, why does pregnancy make you walk like an idiot? I also got all glam.....POINTLESS little did I no my makeup would all slide off, and my sleek hair would end up like a birds nest. I walked out of the hospital looking like a cave girl in a daze.
Anyway The procedure was done by a nurse and a doctor and I had a midwife with me at all times. You get hooked up to a monitor so baby can be kept an eye on. And then you have an injection in your upper leg, I think this is to relax you for a better chance of the baby turning. I was told to expect a sharp scratch from the needle but wow it hurt pretty bad. She injected into my leg muscle and i've never had a prick like it (unless you count the one a dated in my teens). You have to wait a while for the injection to work, great opportunity for my husband to draw on the white board in the room with permanent fucking marker!
Once the medication was doing its job it was show time! Without warning one of the doctors starts jabbing into my lower pelvis with her hand karate style. I just had to tell her to stop and ask her to not just start on me like she was chopping wood, but could she talk me through the process as it was very daunting, and id deal with it better if I had a better understanding, of what she was doing why. So off she went again whak whak until they both had a hold of Dolly. And they started the turning process. From here it felt very surreal it felt like lots of pressure was being applied to my stomach. They was communicating like I wasn't there. But in the end did a brill job and dolly was finally in the correct petition. I was left a little shaken I just wasn't expecting it to be that bad. But the shock didn't last forever, and the pain is temporary.
By the next day I was feeling positive. Bring on labour. Get me in that birthing pool, its going to be easy from now on right? wrong! My next blog I will chat about my ever lasting labour and how I got my dream little girl in my most feared way.
Chat soon, I'm off for a date night tonight. Some adult time, watching the Grinch! But if he thinks I'm sitting in the shitty cheap seats he has another thing coming. Their has to be some perks to smuggling, 3 cans a monster, 2 bags of haribo and a small bottle of wine! And I have to fit my comfy socks and blanket in my handbag as well.
Sunday, 11 November 2018
Not so sundays chills and spice girl thrills. My weekend blog.
Everything is pissing me off today EVERYTHING! Even Sharon from EastEnders! Sundays are supposed to be a day of rest but my husband seems to think he's bob the builder today. Qu DIY disasters, bleach all over the carpet and me wanting to pull his eyeballs out!. Also I've put a stew in the slow cooker and the meats still raw its 7oclock at night I have that weird breath you get when you need food and a scabby jacket potato for tea.
Anyway since I last blogged, I managed to do a KIT day, if you are unaware what this is its when you go into work during your maternity leave, as a way of breaking you back in. Or just to earn a bit of extra cash because your skint, and maternity pay is crap! I only did like 3 hours and it was good. Dolly wakes up late (fingers up to the people who told me I can kiss goodbye to getting glam in a morning). So I got ready in piece, I actually wore my nice perfume I was that exited. Makes a change to pre Dolly,they was lucky if I sprayed deodorant.
Work used to be such a bore I just couldn't be arsed. But Saturday I had a spring in my step. Even the fact my work clothes are TINY, Non of it fits (I could loose a few inches if I just shaved my legs I suppose.) didn't dull my mood. I had a little moment when guilt creeped in, I just felt so guilty for not feeling guilty. Shouldn't I be sad? shouldn't I be wanting to spend every waking moment with my child? the truth is no, no I shouldn't so far I have spent every waking moment with her and I love it. But don't us mums deserve to loose the title for a few hours? Maybe if id spent a full day away id have missed her but I didn't. I spent most of the morning thinking about her but not missing. And I got home and Dolly was asleep and reece was chilling. They survived without me wtf!? No shit stained starving baby, no husband in crisis. He had even cleaned the bathroom. (He's sex deprived he must be)
I also had a little hunt for spice girls tickets. And whhhaaaalaa I managed to get 2. Whilst booking them reece had to confess he had already got me them, as a surprise. But he will not tell me when I'm going who with or where! I'm so glad I found out. It will be so much better now I can re learn all the words and put together a 90s style outfit pass me the platforms!
My last blog I said id let you no my decision if I had a C-section or ECV to turn my breech baby. I decided have the ECV. This Is low risk to mother and child but still wasn't an easy decision. But it beat having a C-section. My next blog I will try and stick to the brief and tell you all about the ECV which I now regret having. My pregnancy was great but went downhill after this. I do support having ECVS it did work for me Dolly did turn, but in the end it made no difference, if she was upside down back to front or under my armpit.
P.S Dolly is almost crawling!!
Work used to be such a bore I just couldn't be arsed. But Saturday I had a spring in my step. Even the fact my work clothes are TINY, Non of it fits (I could loose a few inches if I just shaved my legs I suppose.) didn't dull my mood. I had a little moment when guilt creeped in, I just felt so guilty for not feeling guilty. Shouldn't I be sad? shouldn't I be wanting to spend every waking moment with my child? the truth is no, no I shouldn't so far I have spent every waking moment with her and I love it. But don't us mums deserve to loose the title for a few hours? Maybe if id spent a full day away id have missed her but I didn't. I spent most of the morning thinking about her but not missing. And I got home and Dolly was asleep and reece was chilling. They survived without me wtf!? No shit stained starving baby, no husband in crisis. He had even cleaned the bathroom. (He's sex deprived he must be)
I also had a little hunt for spice girls tickets. And whhhaaaalaa I managed to get 2. Whilst booking them reece had to confess he had already got me them, as a surprise. But he will not tell me when I'm going who with or where! I'm so glad I found out. It will be so much better now I can re learn all the words and put together a 90s style outfit pass me the platforms!
My last blog I said id let you no my decision if I had a C-section or ECV to turn my breech baby. I decided have the ECV. This Is low risk to mother and child but still wasn't an easy decision. But it beat having a C-section. My next blog I will try and stick to the brief and tell you all about the ECV which I now regret having. My pregnancy was great but went downhill after this. I do support having ECVS it did work for me Dolly did turn, but in the end it made no difference, if she was upside down back to front or under my armpit.
P.S Dolly is almost crawling!!
Friday, 9 November 2018
A foot job
Since my last blog I've shifted my ass and been to the gym. How I miss my wedding day 6 pack. Now my stomach resembles a road map with all the stretch marks wiggling all over the place. I half expect to strip off and hear "turn left in 200 yards". Going to the gym is a huge milestone for me. Before I had a baby I loved working out but this love was lost when I had a breakdown in the gym carpark when dolly was about 3 month (more on this in my future blogs). It made it difficult for me to even think about going, and when I finally did battle my demons and go, it was great until i sat down in the dance studio to catch my breath, and all i could think about was hanging myself in their. This may seem a little intense but this is reality this is depression. Depression doesn't want me to go and do things i enjoy. It wants me to be scared, but I've pushed on and I'm back at the gym AGAIN. But now I'm fine when i go i do a dance class and just let loose. I literally think i look like Beyoncé but in reality i think I'm more ugly betty minus the glasses. But who cares what i look like i feel good I'm dancing away depression, i haven't let it beat me, some days i do but in the end I'm winning. I've learnt to just go with it if one day i wake up and feel the need to be a little low and wear my pjs and answer the door to the postman minus my bra that's ok. I used to be scared if i gave into a low mood it would last forever but it doesn't tomorrows a new day. Who knows you may feel like wearing pants! Just go with it enjoy the ups and live the downs.
Before i get onto my second part of the blog may i add i stood in baby shit today! If you learn anything from my blog don't put shitty clothes on the floor. #vommum
Anyway i said i would talk about my pregnancy! The good the bad and the piles. Well I'm sorry to disappoint i aint talking about my piles, i had to say something to get you to carry on reading.
So Dolly was conceived on my wedding night. We agreed to start trying on our wedding night i had no clue it would be that quick. I honestly thought it would take a few months. We went on honeymoon, was home a few days cosy on the sofa watching a film called what to expect when your expecting. If you've not seen it its a chick flick about pregnant women. In the film the ladies had all the first sign side effects, like the larger boobs that absolutely kill!!! the constipation ohhh how i took pooping for granted, and my body temperature wow i was on fire, you think I'm joking I'm sure smoke was coming out my head like a chimney! So i did a test (ok i did like 6 what women doesn't) and wam bam i was up the duff. Keeping it a secret was so hard especially when i had to un button my skirt when it got to tight and it fell to my feet whilst i had my hands full so i had to stand with my bum out. Try explaining that to the neighbours.
So a few month into marriage and i constantly smell of BO and when i take off my kinky I'm a new wife underwear it looks like I'm still wearing it as it dug in that much. But we was exited, even more so when we found out it was a girl. I loved the feeling of having my little girl with me where ever i went, i took her to see santa, maria carey i even dressed her as the golden snitch for a fancy dress party. (Isit just me or do i sound like a 5yearold)
At 34 weeks we discovered she was footling breech. If you don't no what this is this is when the baby is breech but has leg(s) bangling down into the pelvis. I was advised to get the baby to turn or at least remove her foot from what felt like was about to pop out my foof. I had to prop a non erect ironing board up against the sofa with pillows surrounding me and lay on it upside down. This is no joke!! and we had results not only did we laugh uncontrolably but dollys leg moved. My foof was foot free. Unfortunattly she was still breech and i had 2 options i could book a C-section or have an ECV. This is a procedure where the baby is turned by hand. My next blog i will tell you all about my decision. Hope you enjoyed reading this if so please leave a comment id love to know what you think I'm all new to this and feedback would be brill!
Before i get onto my second part of the blog may i add i stood in baby shit today! If you learn anything from my blog don't put shitty clothes on the floor. #vommum
Anyway i said i would talk about my pregnancy! The good the bad and the piles. Well I'm sorry to disappoint i aint talking about my piles, i had to say something to get you to carry on reading.
So Dolly was conceived on my wedding night. We agreed to start trying on our wedding night i had no clue it would be that quick. I honestly thought it would take a few months. We went on honeymoon, was home a few days cosy on the sofa watching a film called what to expect when your expecting. If you've not seen it its a chick flick about pregnant women. In the film the ladies had all the first sign side effects, like the larger boobs that absolutely kill!!! the constipation ohhh how i took pooping for granted, and my body temperature wow i was on fire, you think I'm joking I'm sure smoke was coming out my head like a chimney! So i did a test (ok i did like 6 what women doesn't) and wam bam i was up the duff. Keeping it a secret was so hard especially when i had to un button my skirt when it got to tight and it fell to my feet whilst i had my hands full so i had to stand with my bum out. Try explaining that to the neighbours.
So a few month into marriage and i constantly smell of BO and when i take off my kinky I'm a new wife underwear it looks like I'm still wearing it as it dug in that much. But we was exited, even more so when we found out it was a girl. I loved the feeling of having my little girl with me where ever i went, i took her to see santa, maria carey i even dressed her as the golden snitch for a fancy dress party. (Isit just me or do i sound like a 5yearold)
At 34 weeks we discovered she was footling breech. If you don't no what this is this is when the baby is breech but has leg(s) bangling down into the pelvis. I was advised to get the baby to turn or at least remove her foot from what felt like was about to pop out my foof. I had to prop a non erect ironing board up against the sofa with pillows surrounding me and lay on it upside down. This is no joke!! and we had results not only did we laugh uncontrolably but dollys leg moved. My foof was foot free. Unfortunattly she was still breech and i had 2 options i could book a C-section or have an ECV. This is a procedure where the baby is turned by hand. My next blog i will tell you all about my decision. Hope you enjoyed reading this if so please leave a comment id love to know what you think I'm all new to this and feedback would be brill!
Wednesday, 7 November 2018
Rise up!
Went to meet a friend for coffee today. My friend has no clue about my postnatal depression. I find it helpful that only a select few are aware as it gives me a chance to go out and not feel like I'm being judged or have to answer the standard, hows things? have you had any thoughts blah blah blah. Not that I don't like people to care but its nice to have a break and just chat about normal things like my new sparkly cushions and how dolly got shit all over my leg this morning and had a wee all over the changing station!
On the way to have my coffee a song came on called 'rise up' by Andrea Day. This song is beautiful and reminded me of the dark place id been in recently. For a moment I wanted to turn the car round drive home and not have to face the world with a smile pretending everything is ok. But I ignored that doubt and faced the world and feel so much better for doing so. I even burst into song on the way home! I don't want to blog everyday, but wanted people who need a little push, or just love to embrace their inner Whitney Housten (shes in their somewhere) to have a listen and see if helps you in anyway? Because for me for a moment it felt like I wasn't alone in the world of depression.
So yesterdays blog ended at the point where Reece popped the question. Obviously i said yes, I mean who wouldn't after he'd just totally wound me up during the couples massage giving the fit beautician the eye whist I'm there with my damp frizzy hair wearing the tacky free spa slippers and bobbly dressing gown. We got engaged and got married 2 years later. We didn't rush getting married one day I just woke up and said right lets book it and I had a ring on it 4 months later. All bridesmaid had to sign contracts agreeing not to get pregnant, arrested or to fat to get in their dress before the big day. It also stated they couldn't have tattoos or drastic hair changes without prior consultation with the bride. You may think this is dramatic but trust me my besties need keeping in line, they are something else we cant even go to the shop without one of us falling in a nettle bush (ok that was me who fell but they pushed me).
The wedding itself was just us, funny crazy and full of love. It involved a pile on, a broken foot, the wedding party playing football including us girls one bridesmaid ended up in a bush! I sat in my dress till like 2am scoffing take away pizza with all our pissed up friends (so classy) And to top it of we went back to our room had a bit of jiggy jiggy and 9 months later dolly came along! You may be wondering why im telling you all this but I just want to express how life can be perfect but can be turned upside down, and to do that ive got to start from the beginning. My next blog I will tell you all about my pregnancy the good the bad and the piles!
Its been a few hours since I did this post and i've just realised we forgot to get the bill and pay for our coffee and food #mumsbehindbars
On the way to have my coffee a song came on called 'rise up' by Andrea Day. This song is beautiful and reminded me of the dark place id been in recently. For a moment I wanted to turn the car round drive home and not have to face the world with a smile pretending everything is ok. But I ignored that doubt and faced the world and feel so much better for doing so. I even burst into song on the way home! I don't want to blog everyday, but wanted people who need a little push, or just love to embrace their inner Whitney Housten (shes in their somewhere) to have a listen and see if helps you in anyway? Because for me for a moment it felt like I wasn't alone in the world of depression.
So yesterdays blog ended at the point where Reece popped the question. Obviously i said yes, I mean who wouldn't after he'd just totally wound me up during the couples massage giving the fit beautician the eye whist I'm there with my damp frizzy hair wearing the tacky free spa slippers and bobbly dressing gown. We got engaged and got married 2 years later. We didn't rush getting married one day I just woke up and said right lets book it and I had a ring on it 4 months later. All bridesmaid had to sign contracts agreeing not to get pregnant, arrested or to fat to get in their dress before the big day. It also stated they couldn't have tattoos or drastic hair changes without prior consultation with the bride. You may think this is dramatic but trust me my besties need keeping in line, they are something else we cant even go to the shop without one of us falling in a nettle bush (ok that was me who fell but they pushed me).
The wedding itself was just us, funny crazy and full of love. It involved a pile on, a broken foot, the wedding party playing football including us girls one bridesmaid ended up in a bush! I sat in my dress till like 2am scoffing take away pizza with all our pissed up friends (so classy) And to top it of we went back to our room had a bit of jiggy jiggy and 9 months later dolly came along! You may be wondering why im telling you all this but I just want to express how life can be perfect but can be turned upside down, and to do that ive got to start from the beginning. My next blog I will tell you all about my pregnancy the good the bad and the piles!
Its been a few hours since I did this post and i've just realised we forgot to get the bill and pay for our coffee and food #mumsbehindbars
Tuesday, 6 November 2018
my first blog makes me feel like i need to go to the bog (for a nervous poo)
So here goes.....my journey involving becoming a wife and a mother in the space of just 1 year and in the middle of all that moving house, saving lifes and dealing with postnatal depression. A journey that started as a fairy tale but slowly became a nightmare (literally). But I'm going to be as honest as I can be and not only share my darkest moments but also good times, times of laughter, love and bravery.
Here's a little inside of my life I'm 28 I have a husband who I will refer to as reece, I chose this name because he is OBSESSED with reeces pieces and I later found out this name means he will be the fittest man you will ever lay eyes on (this is massively relevant as trust me he's fit! Even tho the 6 pack now lives in the fridge since he became daddy). Reece is also referred to as someone you can give your heart to and they will keep it safe forever. This is also relevant as he has kept me safe at a time when I didn't feel safe at all.
I also have a 6 month old daughter who I will refer to as Dolly. Who makes me smile at times when I feel I will never smile again. She is a little madam already, she eats more food than most adults and sleeps like most teenagers, And we wouldn't change a thing about her shes just perfect!
Then theirs me the dummy mummy. I love making people laugh and I hope that will come across on this blog. I'm not the brightest spark, take the fact I once went to see my GP because after 8oclock at night my eyes went all funny and droopy, Turns out I was just tiered. AWKWARD!
Back to the reason I have decided to do a blog. I shell start with the reason I decided to name it let it be. This is because I wish during my time living with postnatal depression I had just let the depression be and not fight it away. I didn't need to keep busy I didn't need all the house work done I didn't need to fight my thoughts or be scared of them. This is something I learnt from my nurse and has helped with my recovery alot.
Another reason to blog is the fact my recovery team have informed me nothing is available online about postnatal depression. Their is the usual articals which can be helpful but not many people have spoke out. Ive also been told it may help with my recovery, so its a benefit to me but also I want it to help others. I have no clue if anyone will even read it but I hope so. Even if you aren't suffering with such a thing please read on as you may learn from it, or you may just want to have a giggle at some of the stupid shit I get up to!
Most of the stupid shit involves my husband, from the day we met 8 and a half years ago their has never been a dull moment. We've been camping and forgot the tent, we went to theme park and a girl in a q for the same ride as us starts giving her boyfriend a full on hand job, reece once dressed as a sheep and tried to blend in with them in a field and
I stalked him with my bestfriend on his stag do!
After 5 years reece popped the question.....to be continued............
Here's a little inside of my life I'm 28 I have a husband who I will refer to as reece, I chose this name because he is OBSESSED with reeces pieces and I later found out this name means he will be the fittest man you will ever lay eyes on (this is massively relevant as trust me he's fit! Even tho the 6 pack now lives in the fridge since he became daddy). Reece is also referred to as someone you can give your heart to and they will keep it safe forever. This is also relevant as he has kept me safe at a time when I didn't feel safe at all.
I also have a 6 month old daughter who I will refer to as Dolly. Who makes me smile at times when I feel I will never smile again. She is a little madam already, she eats more food than most adults and sleeps like most teenagers, And we wouldn't change a thing about her shes just perfect!
Then theirs me the dummy mummy. I love making people laugh and I hope that will come across on this blog. I'm not the brightest spark, take the fact I once went to see my GP because after 8oclock at night my eyes went all funny and droopy, Turns out I was just tiered. AWKWARD!
Back to the reason I have decided to do a blog. I shell start with the reason I decided to name it let it be. This is because I wish during my time living with postnatal depression I had just let the depression be and not fight it away. I didn't need to keep busy I didn't need all the house work done I didn't need to fight my thoughts or be scared of them. This is something I learnt from my nurse and has helped with my recovery alot.
Another reason to blog is the fact my recovery team have informed me nothing is available online about postnatal depression. Their is the usual articals which can be helpful but not many people have spoke out. Ive also been told it may help with my recovery, so its a benefit to me but also I want it to help others. I have no clue if anyone will even read it but I hope so. Even if you aren't suffering with such a thing please read on as you may learn from it, or you may just want to have a giggle at some of the stupid shit I get up to!
Most of the stupid shit involves my husband, from the day we met 8 and a half years ago their has never been a dull moment. We've been camping and forgot the tent, we went to theme park and a girl in a q for the same ride as us starts giving her boyfriend a full on hand job, reece once dressed as a sheep and tried to blend in with them in a field and
After 5 years reece popped the question.....to be continued............
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