Call an ambulence ft. the orange coat

Popped out today to get some new bedding because our last one had diamantes on and scratched our face. I was happy to put up with it, anything for a bit of sparkle. But shaun never stopped moaning so today was the day to switch it. I didn't bother putting makeup on as we was just going to one shop. Infact I didn't even change my pj top. The big coat strikes again. This I regretted when I was sat in costa sweating with my coat on!
Anyway we got the bedding but it didn't stop their. The beauty of a retail park, when you can just 'nip' in this shop and 'pop' in that shop. The next minute lotties winter wardrobe had a revamp, I'm dripping in my new paco rabanne perfume and sporting a new marc Jacobs backpack. I need to calm the fuck down with these January sales. But to make up for it I have got back and put some of my old clothes on ebay.
As I'm blogging shaun is trying again to put the new curtain pole up. The rail only requires 6 drilled holes but somehow I have 12 drilled holes and 2 of them are HUGE! it Looks like 2 Yorkshire puddings. Ill keep you posted.
Now I will get back to yesterdays blog when we had told my mum about my illness. Which made life easier, because once shaun returned to work they set up a little rota system. Shaun would leave for work at 5.30am and mum would turn up, and sometimes get in bed with me. And eventually I told my dad. Which made things easier for my mum as she had someone to confide in. So without realising, things was getting easier for all of us.
It was a little frustrating everyone having to work life around me. I felt like a child at times, like I had to be babysat and like a massive inconvenience. Id get frustrated with myself for putting all this pressure on mum dad and shaun.
But before shaun returned to work we tried to get out and about. His mum invited us to a food festival at newstead abby so we went along. I was very nervous it being my first outing. But like everything in my life it ended up a huge drama. Asif we would go to the event come home and just have a nice normal day. That's far to easy. Instead I end up performing CPR. This was on the way back to the car. We was just summing up our day. Saying what a nice time we'd had. I've posted a picture off our little day out.
That was before all the drama drama. I  was carrying lottie and a few feet ahead was 2 women walking. Suddenly one of the ladies started to stumble. To which shaun said "oh someone's had a few", but I sensed something was wrong and suddenly she fell onto the banking.
Automatically I gave lottie to shaun and ran over shouting for him to call an ambulance. She had gone stiff, blue and her eyes had rolled to the back of her head. I had no clue what to do. I shouted for somebody strong to help me roll her over as she had fell onto her front. A gentleman came and helped and I asked if he new what to do. He was in shock and couldn't answer, I was shouting to people staring, does anybody no what to do? anybody no cpr? but no reply everyone was just stood staring at me on my knees, once again in my bright orange coat!
Clueless I just started doing chest compressions and preformed mouth to mouth. I have never blew so hard in my life. I have never preformed chest compressions in my life. But I have seen on t.v they count while doing it so I was counting out loud. Of I went 1,2,3,4 anything to distract myself from the reality of this situation. I take my hats of to paramedics its hard work, I was knackered. I was really going for it pushing down harder each time willing this stranger to be ok. I was thinking all sorts, am I doing it right? should I even be doing this? why am I counting?
After a while a passer by who was medically trained helped and I turned my attention to the ill lady's mum. Who was in shock. I got gave her lotties blanket and my bottle off water and tried to reassure her, with the news that her daughter did look a lot better than when I first arrived on the scene.
Eventually just 1 paramedic arrived and the crowd was cleared. Leaving me the paramedic the ill person her mum and another guy. I found myself being the paramedics wing women. Helping her get things out the ambulance, holding the ill ladys head and keeping her oxygen mask in place. Backup was called and the paramedic was doing an amazing job administering needles and doing lots of other medical things. The ill lady took another turn for the worst again but it wasn't as bad the second time because she was in the right hands.
This whole episode is bad enough. But the fact I had been wanting to end my life prior to this and now I had found myself trying to save somebody else's. I felt like I was staring death in the face. I took control of a situation when for so long I had had no control of my own life. I ran to danger head on when I had been running from it for a long time. I did my best when I felt at my worst. I hadn't wanted to leave my house that day, but maybe its a good job I did.
Once news got round I was getting so much praise and pats on the back. At the time I didn't want all this fuss. I was at the height of my depression and the truth is I just wanted to be left alone. Now I realise what a big deal it was. But then I didn't.  Inside I still felt hollow. 
I do believe everything happens for a reason, maybe this was part of my recovery. May I add the last I heard the lady is recovering. They are unsure what actually happened and she was still having lots of tests. But I have heard nothing in a few months but wish her well.
Obviously this episode set me back and I was on edge. But I'm sure most people would be if they was faced with a situation such as this. I was back to not wanting to be alone for a second. But soon the  time cam again to have 1 hour just me and lottie. And guess what 5 minutes into it and I'm calling my dad because I need to go to A&E....again.
P.S if I ever make it big time I promise to auction off my orange coat pmsl.

More skating less hating

Guess what my little readers, I seem to be getting more little readers. My views keep going up and up. My blog called pissing in the wind seems to get the most attention. https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/pissing-in-wind.html Maybe I should try an come up with more tittles like this. I'm thinking things like blogging on the bog or wetting myself while expressing myself. Ill work on it.
I worry about the English in my blogs or the lack of. I think people will get annoyed that I don't use a coma in the correct place, and can sometimes get words mixed up. I feel this may drive some people crazy. But I was told this is what makes it relatable and true. Its not perfect or scripted its from the heart. To be honest I'm not even sure its interesting at times lol, but moving forward I am going to stop worrying about the mistakes I may making. But if anyone does want to share a few pointers on when to start a new paragraph I'm all ears! The people that read this in different parts of the world must hardly have a clue what I am jabbering on about.
Anyway this morning when I woke up I felt like utter crap. Just sooooooo unwell. Yano when you are like awkward ill, your not dying but  your not ok either. When you cant decide if you are to ill to go to work. And you stress thinking now will I go and end up throwing up all over Karen or will i get their and it will be like i never even had a major illness before i got out of bed? But no way was I missing ice skating even if I had to take my duvet with me I was getting them skates on. Luckily I ditched the duvet and felt better for doing so.
I went on the ice with my brother in law mike because everyone else was to chicken shit to join in. But we no full well when they saw me pushing mike on a child's banana aid they had major regrets. When i last went skating i was a wiz kid. I had a reality check today as i thought it would be just like old times. But oh no you need good core to skate, and thanks to the C-section this is something i no longer have. So it was much harder. And yes i used a penguin for the first 10 minutes and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Me and mike didn't realise you had to actually hire the penguins and bannans, we just thought you could use them, So we was just skating round with some pore childs skating aid. We managed to get a picture off me pushing mike on the banana which is lovely. We are unaware we are being papped and its refreshing to see a natural picture. Wearing a genuine smile to many pictures are staged these days, including my own,. Unfortunately our day out was cut short as lottie was screaming mum and dads house down because she was missing her mummy and daddy. I soon forgave her when she smothered me in kisses.
Back to yesterdays blog, i finished it when we had got back from Newcastle. Well we got home and realised and was advised to reach out to family who may offer us support. And by having that extra support it may help shaun be able to have a little more of a life and break from me. Because he was having to be by my side 24/7 and not only that but sometimes i probably wasn't good company, hardly talking and with talks about ending my life.
So the decision came to tell my mum. Which was so difficult it was a little easier explaining to doctors about how a felt. They are not a constant in my life. With someone you love its different, if they don't understand or they think you are a bad mum that's something you have to deal with forever. I was in a fragile state so her reaction was going to have an effect on me. Where does it leave me if mum thinks I'm crazy or I've failed or I'm just being a drama queen. It might get to much.
Obviously her reaction was nothing like that and nobody's has been.  My plan was to keep this a secret from EVERYONE, but i know now that was unrealistic. Telling my mum changed everything it lightened the load for us. She was shocked yes but she wanted to help. I begged her not to tell a sole not even my dad and she kept to her word, i told him a few weeks after but for now it was just me my mum and Shaun facing this.
To keep it a secret we did have to tell a few white lies. Like when my mum came with me for an appointment at milbrook we had to tell dad a fib. Mum sat and spoke to my doctor whilst i was in the room. She sat and explained step by step what i was going through and it felt like i was having an out of body experience hearing it all back.
As always me and mum ended up having a giggle. Because Millbrook is our local mental heath unit and does have a stigma attached to it. And nobody in my life was aware i was suffering so i didn't want to be seen entering the hospital. It wasnt until walking into the unit,  i realised i was wearing a super bright floor length orange coat, pushing a neon pink pushchair! Not my best disguise and for some reason we found it so funny! And surprisingly yes we did get spotted. We could have been spotted from the bloody moon thanks to me!
From here i am going to look back at my appointments with my therapist, how they have helped me and at times they felt pointless. This is all a little jumbled in my mind as at some points i was very unwell but will try and explain them to you as best as possible.
Hope you have a good weekend. I'm unsure if to take my tree down this weekend or not. I'm at that awkward stage where you don't want to take it down, but you cant be arsed to turn the lights on. Decisions Decisions. .

A xmas comedown, and a depression de breif

Ergh I feel shitarooney! I don't feel well, I feel like I have the on coming of something serious like tonsillitis, sinusitis or ebola. My bones ache my head, even my eye sockets. I've come on my period so that speaks for itself. My husband is still in the doghouse for being drunk as a skunk on Christmas day, and to top it off he has just broke lotties food blender! I cant find nothing decent in the after Christmas sale. Nor have the money to buy it even if I did.
Ok I'm lying I brought I few things from topshop a new diamante curtain pole, and loads of new things for lottie,  But what I really want is a pair of ugg boots. But they are still £100+. Which is ridicules for what is just a bit of carpet made into a shoe shape.
I'm off out tomorrow with shauns family for a few drinks and hopefully ice skating. And I have nothing to wear. Its a difficult one, its day drinking. So smart casual but smart casual is so difficult in the winter. Whatever you wear is just going to be dragged down by the big coat. I slag the big coat of, but it allowed me to go to asda in my pj top today.
That's enough of my moaning now. A positive is, yesterday I mentioned I'm reading a book and its really good. Well I tweeted about it also. And guess what the auther of said book got back to me. She even read my blog and found it so funny she read it to her husband. I pointed out my spelling is sometimes off but she thinks it doesn't matter when the content is so good. How flattering! I'm unsure the content of my blogs are even good. Its just my day to day life.
Recently I haven't spoke much about my depression. But today I will get back onto the topic. As this is the reason I started blogging after all. The last time I spoke with regards to my depression I explained my visits the hospital have been cut. Meaning I go less. Today has been the first day I've really thought about it. Maybe its because I'm not feeling so yack.And going to the hospital gives me a little boost. My next visit is in around a week. So not long now until I get my hospital high.
In my past blogs if you have read them I have been trying to paint the picture of my journey with post natal depression. So far I have covered, my pregnancy see https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/a-foot-job.html, labour http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/do-me-favour-just-let-me-have-normal.html
the start of my depression and dealing with it alone, a lot in regards to this you will find , http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html
the day everything came bubbling to the surface http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/all-is-fixed.html and so much more in between.
I've covered a lot about getting home from the hospital and social services getting involved. Obvously whilst we was dealing with social services we was also trying to adapt to life with post natal depression. The day after getting home from the hospital I had a home visit booked. It was my first 1-1 setion doing baby massage. It was mentioned at the hospital cancelling this appointment. But I hate hate hate being a let down. So I went ahead and kept the appointment. When the massage lady arrived (tina), she had already been contacted by my midwife. So she new exactly what had happened and we didn't end up doing baby massage. She became another person to help me and was a great support. After many appointments we completed the massage course. And our friendship grew and grew. One say she would turn up and id be in my pjs minus my bra and another day id look like a super model. Pmsl not a super model but at least a 7/10. She went with the ups and downs. The laughing and crying. By the time we completed it I was in a much better place.
During our first appointment I was on and off the phone. The crisis team were trying to sort out my medication and social services wanted to make an appointment to visit us at home. My first prescription I was given 50mg of sertraline and diazepam, which is to be taken at times when thoughts get to much. Such as I am getting an intense urge to end my life or my imagination has run wild. Eventually I have become less dependent on diazepam and the sertraline has been upped and downed over time. The most I was on was 150mg.
In regards to social services I couldn't make an appointment with them for a week or so because we had a trip to Newcastle booked. To go and she shauns sister. We was unsure if to go or not. Because nobody new about our situation and I couldn't imagine living in somebody else's house whilst living in such a dark world mentally, and being miles from home. But we went. And I think its the best thing we could have done. To be away in such a lovely environment on the beach and with good company. We made footprints in the sand and lottie had her first paddle in the sea. Which was FREEEZING but lottie being lottie didnt mind one bit. I had a heavy heart but the smile I was wearing was not as forsed as it had been. I didn't have any self doubt or intense anxiety. I never said I though I wanted to end my life, which made a massive change.
When the day came to go home I didn't want to go. I knew we had to return to my first meeting with a therapist, and being an outpatient at a mother and baby unit. And I had the visit from social services. As we got closer and closer to home I felt my mood dropping with each mile.
In my next blog I will fill you in on how I become to have several professionals helping me with my illness. How the question was asked if I wanted to be placed on the mother and baby unit as I found myself ill again.
Its time for me to go now I have a bubble bath ran, and I want to perv on my new curtain rail.
UPDATE Or maybe not perv on the rail. I just checked progress and one of the drilled holes is to big  for the screw. So now I have no curtains or rail and a huge hole above my patio door.

Christmas crackers

I hope you have all had a happy healthy Christmas. If you haven't had heartburn, the runs or been sick you didn't do it right. Dunno if you care but i got the heart burn and shaun was sick.
Let me give you a breakdown of my first Christmas with lottie. Christmas eve was mental. Its a lot different when you have a little one. Family and friends suddenly give a shit lol. Only joking it was lovely trying to fit in seeing everyone. Even though we spent like 3 days out the house going here their seeing everyone lottie just took in in her stride. Never crying or getting fed up of being past around, and taking naps between visits.
We managed to get sat down around 7 on Christmas eve. With our mummy daddy and baby elf pjs  on, and the Christmas tree yankee candle burning. Don't rush out and buy it tho guys, It smells of nothing. We had the perfect night as a little family and I couldn't wait to wake up and open our pressies together. But lottie didn't get up until 9.40, so me and shaun had breakfast just the 2 of us and opened our presents together as we couldn't wait any longer for lazy bones. I didn't expect much for Christmas. As now we have lottie I understand people will just want to buy for her.
But I still got loads. And guys I got the diamante tissue box! And makeup so on Christmas day my face was so shimmery I could have been blamed for light pollution. I was just piling on the glitter, gloss, highlight and sparkles. Also does anyone else get tetchy when they start seeing all the cute wall calendars arriving in the shops around December, and your itching to buy one but have to put your trust in other people to deliver the goods? 1 year i got 3 another year 0. Its like your putting your whole 2019 in someone else's hands. Because if you risk it and don't purchase one until after Christmas your going to be left with some random shitty thing that nobody else wanted. Like 12 months of trains. Imagine starting the month with a picture you hate. Your doomed!
But hallelujah santa delivered the goods. Its the same with toiletries. December you walk around smelling like a bath bomb. Using up all the body lotions, shower gels and mini hand lotiotions. Ready for the re stock on Christmas. Guaranteed If you don't use it all people have got you. And you end up with more stock than boots.
And if you do use it all, nobody will buy you any. And boxing day will come and your washing with the old bar of imperial leather from the back off the cupboard. Wondering what the hell have people been thinking this year? Who doesn't go to boots and buy a boat load of 3-2 bath sets? Don't we all? Think of the points and you get to keep all the free items. Win win so if you ever buy for me, as difficult as some think I am a baylis and harding gift set will do me fine! Because apparently I’m hard to buy for, I even brough a Pandora bracelet to make people life’s easier. But nobody ever got me a charm till this year. Thanks nana!   So to sum up my gifts santa you did good and sorry for calling you fat in my last blog.
When lottie finally got up. The pile of gifts was never ending. She was truly spoilt. The biggest gift we brought which we thought was amazing she just cries at every time we turn it on. And her favourite thing is a £1 wooden block. So with bucks fizz for breakfast and me resembling the head of a glitter ball it was of to my mums for diner. I've not had Christmas diner with my parents since I was like 17. I think they stopped inviting me because I have a face like I'm chewing an onion most of the time. But I'm laughing on the inside guys honest.
All was well we had an m&s lunch WOWZER! When I saw mum pinging it in the microwave I was thinking " oh no this is just going to taste like one big weight watchers ready meal". But it was far from it hmmmmm the Brussel's!!! Then dad did a homemade quiz. Which was fun, even though me and shaun lost but its the first quiz we have ever done where we have answered all the questions.
The fun really started at 8pm. Due to the fact I couldn't drink last year because I was pregnant I just got absolutely shit faced and threw up all over my mum and dads house. JOKING! That was shaun. Who I ended up leaving at mum and dads. But that's the last I'm saying on the matter.
So here we are. Boxing day. The christmas tree yankee candle that smells like fresh air is back on and all is peaceful again. The house is a state and I have no idea were all this stuff is going to live. For those who read mums poem on my last blog. She loved it! I think the reason she cried wasn't down to the words it was the fact they was all spelt correct. Proud mum moment. I've never been a good speller. Can you believe I was kept behind from all my friends at school because I couldn't move forward from spelling my name. They was all at university and I was still sat with Mrs Parker in year 2 learning how to spell Chelsey Leigh Bingley. So if you learn anything from me think short and sweet when naming your kids.
So take it easy and gear yourself up for new year! Enjoy you left over turkey sandwiches.
P.s if you are a lover of books like me get Catherine bennetto- how not to fall in love. I’ve been reading it over Christmas and it  so funny. If you are a Sophie kinsella chick flick girl then get it. And if your not still get it! I love the characters. Especially the mum she’s just your typical mum. Super funny doing all the predictable mum stuff with outbursts of anger towards Her daughter ex boyfriend!
 

Brave Heart

Yawn I'm so tiered. Christmas is cray. Why do we do it to ourselves. Its not only finding the perfect gift for your bestie, but its the house. I feel the need for it to be spotless. It needs to smell perfect, and not a speck of dust anywhere. Because if the mirror has a smear on Christmas morning, then cancel Christmas. Is it ok to cut the grass in December EVERYTHING has to be perfect EVERYTHING!
But I'm getting their the gifts are wrapped and under the tree, just a little more cleaning and delivering gifts then its go go gadget show! Bring santa the fuck on!! I'm ready for ya fatty.
Obviously I was a little more reserved when I took lottie to his grotto today. The same grotto I went to last year with a little pink ribbon around my belly and a sparkly bow. Lottie actually likes santa. I think she wanted to take a nap wrapped in his snuggly red coat. Shaun on the other hand wasn't a big fan he swore blind santa was drunk! He was so chatty it got awkward, I was like ok santa can I have my baby back please? Maybe it was the fact lotiie was dressed as an elf. OMG she looked so cute! Ill add some pics.
She's been such a good baby recently. So smiley and chill. She isn't clinging and is taking naps in her cot in the daytime, giving me a chance to eat a mince pie in piece. She's finally got 2 teeth and is sooooo close the crawling its frustrating to watch. Constipation is back thought. Poos in the bath are becoming normal. Its the most vile thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. After all those bad dreams I was on a downer. And decided to give it a break. I haven't been up to much and I've felt better. After one dream I had a such a bad spell. I did something id not done in a while and I got lottie out of her cot early in the morning and put her in bed with me. I put her in but don't dare touch her. I just need her close. I need to hear her breath and feel the comfort she brings me. This felt like a huge step back. And I was so scared the depression had returned. Meaning a step back from enjoying my life with lottie. But I took diazepam for a few nights and I'm better now.
Its strange sometimes I wake up in a morning scared with prickly skin, thinking ive had the worst dream. But after a few hours I realise I didn't even have a bad dream. Maybe its because I'm so used to waking up in that state now. Or the illness will not let me recognise the fact I had a good dream. I will ask pony next time I see her and let you know. She said this little blip is the depression fighting back. My doctor is telling me I'm fine and depression is tackling that making me think its not fine. But I just need to fight against this demon.
Hopefully I will get a chance to blog again before santa comes. If not I will let you in on a few gifts I've got for a few people. This year I've wrote my mum a poem. Me and my mum was never close before I got ill. But now we are so close I've always been super  independent and never needed anyone. Or so I thought. Until now. And without her, recovery would have been a lot harder. Heresmy poem its names brave heart.
You was their from the start,
When I had a broken heart,
Which I thought could never be fixed,
At times maybe your feelings where mixed,
Is this forever?
Will we smile again together?
And look I do,
Part of that is down to you,
Sometimes we couldn't see the end,
But we can now,
Thanks to you mum my best friend,
With ups and downs,
Laughter and frowns,
Despite our fear,
We've made it my dear,
By laughing at orange coats,
And pretending to laugh at dads jokes,
You've slept in my bed,
Don't touch me I said,
I didn't need your hugs,
When I have all your love,
Lets never look back,
At a time so black,
Lets live our dreams,
And wear smiles that beam,
We have strong hearts,
Wish we had known it from the start.

This may make no sence to some people, but mum will understand every word. I've also wrote a family bucket list which I will give to shaun on Christmas day. Evey time we do 1 off the activities on it, we will date it. I've put things on like building a sandcastle, dancing in the rain and flying a kite.
I must dash now as I've got friends round and I'm being super ignorant sat blogging. So now I've got to sit and pretend I like them just kidding. Also my friends pregnant and I want to ask her if she's doing her pelvic floor and if she's wet herself yet!

GOTCHA

Guuuuuys! why do I have such expensive taste? God if you read this blog please either give me more money or take away the expensive taste! Today whilst I haven't been trying to keep lottie entertained,  to prevent her screaming the house down. I've been browsing the internet. I've filled several shopping baskets with things including a Christian louboutin lipstick, micheal kors sandles, Chelsea boots, several eye shadow pallets and a marc Jacobs perfume. I've added them to my baskets as I am hoping to come into ££££ soon and don't want to forget what I want! Now with brill ideas such as that how am I not making thousands?
I've been to the hospital today to see the lovely lisa. I've not cried at an appointment for ages as I have been so well recently. But today didn't start good! I had a nightmare about other people hurting children and I was just begging them to stop. The room of people insisted this was normal, nobody could see that this was wrong! Once awake up I managed to work past it and get on with my day.
It wasn't until on the way to the hospital when shaun said he had a strange dream last night. I felt like id been hit in the stomach. So by the time I got to the hospital I was upset. Saying things like "I'm not normal" "this isn't depression this is a reflection off me as a person" "how can I think this way!?"
But lisa took time to explain this has nothing to do with me or how I see the world ect. This is just a bad dream that I have no control over. But this is hard to understand when its going off in my head! This went on to lisa asking me if id had any intrusive thoughts or had found myself with an urge to keep busy. I explained that I have had thought yes the odd one, but I don't feel them anymore. They don't touch me or terrify me like before. I think it and then it goes away. And yes I have been busy lately. But busy doing things I want to do rather than need to do. Its different being busy painting my nails rather than busy doing chors. So yes I have been busy, busy living my life instead of running from my mind.
Also I am on a pony ban! That's my therapist by the way. I'm on strict instructions not to see her until the 7th January! And today id heard she was free so straight away wanted to see her for a chat. Not a lets sit in THE chair and get the tissues out chat, a fun chat. About my works night out and the fact I still have an infected toe but I still wore heels #GIRLPOWER!
But I was told a big fat no. Well well well I only came out my appointment and who should be stood their? PONY so before she could make her escape I ran at her and gave her a big hug. I know as soon as she heard me scream her name she would have rolled her eyes. With happiness obvs.
Tomorrow I'm off to take my nan to do her Christmas shop. Wish me luck. Tonight I shell sharpen my elbows ready to fight for the cabbage's at morrisons!

If your happy and you know it clap you hands

Mondays are great when you don't have to get up for work. But the time has come for me to start thinking about going back to work. I really really don't want to, as I'm just starting to enjoy motherhood. But for financial reasons the time has come. So in the new year its off I pop back to work. Blergghhhh. My health workers think its a good idea for me to go back. But it gives me butterflies thinking about it. Lets forget about that for now.
Today I had my last meeting with my community worker. I'm unsure of her job title but basically she was assigned to me to help me regain normality. She has suffered post natal depression herself and has been a huge help for me. Her first visit she came to my house, and eventually we started going out for coffee just me and her and we have finished off today going to a baby group. She's help me adapt to things and her journey was pretty similar to mine.
During our first meeting I was very unwell and just cried, It was surreal to meet somebody else who has been in the same boat as me. I felt exposed and like she could see my soul. But it was nice for someone to say "yes that happened to me" Because as much as doctors tell you its happened to a lot off people. You never actually believe it. Seeing is believing.
I made the decision the end our sessions which was a hard one as I enjoy her company. But I felt selfish keep seeing her when I don't need to. I'm better now and I'm sure others need her more. So its time for her to move on and help another mum. Jeeez I'm going to cry again, but at least I'm at home now not outside the baby changing in Morrison's like earlier. Once inside the baby changing I soon forgot about feeling sad as lottie had done a big poop. On her clothes and everything baby's smelly poops can sometimes be a good distraction! I love the fact our journey started with me blorting my eyes out every 5 seconds and finished singing if you happy and you know it clap your hands!
I have a funny story also, whilst I was putting my bin away, once home from the big sing song. I left lottie in her pushchair and forgot to put the break on. Turned around and she had rolled into a bush. No harm done she was just sat looking at me like it was normal to have half her body submerged into a leafy bush. Lesson learnt!
Yesterdays blog ended because i needed a hungover nap. It was the best. I woke up hang over free. I wasn't particularly feeling ill I just was very anxious, which would have been effects from the alcohol as it is a depressant. But I was soon feeling fine and glad I let loose. I've started planning a night out for my birthday in January. My last birthday in my 20's! I was looking at my old pictures earlier and found one of me on the ironing board upside down. Remember that blog when I was trying to get lottie out the breach position? Ive added the picture to that blog if you'd like to have a look. Its not everyday you get to see a pregnant lady dangling upside down on an ironing board.  https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/a-foot-job.html I'm so happy to see i have readers from around the world, france, Germany, Ukraine, spain and lots from the united states. I appreciate that you take time out your day to read my blog.
Lets get back to the blog when I stated social services got involved after my trip to A&E. I was told this was standard procedure when a child goes to A&E. They did call us often to check I was ok. And they went on to book a home visit. They dealt with us in  a kind, understanding and friendly manor. In no way making me feel like I had done something wrong. They was understanding to the fact we had a few days away booked and came to visit after. The case was dropped after the visit. I was sent a report about the case. Which detailed what had happened and the fact lottie had been in the car when I had wanted to end my life. Mothers unfortunately do commit suicide when they are dealing with this illness. Now I understand these mother felt the world would be better without them. They didn't think about all the people that love them and will miss them. I've been told I cant fix the world. But maybe I can help. Help mothers not get to crisis point and help them recognise symptoms off depression. And if I cant help I can say I tried. This is a dream off mine. But my therapist said I need to be 100% better before i can think of ways to help.
Back to my case with social services. People that had been involved with me and lottie previously had been contacted. Like GPs and health visitors. My midwife gave a touching statement saying me and shaun was a very loving couple, and i was a fantastic mother. It was nice to see all those people new we was doing well even aganst the odds. The fact shaun is so supportive was logged, including the fact he took time off work to care for me and lottie. Social services wanted evidence that if ever i felt unwell i could take time out alone.
Blogging about this has been difficult as i feel some may judge. But i cant stress enough how positive the report was from social services and i don't regret it happened. This will not effect lottie in any way and no record will be kept on her "files" or mine. I also don't want people to fear getting help because this happened to me. I've spoke to lots of mums who have suffered like me and no others have had this experience. Obviously in my case they felt this was needed. And I'm glad i listened when they reassured me this was more about me than lottie. It was about a support system being put in place for me.
Previously when i said me and shaun had a little break booked. I will blog about that next and all the other things that we faced during recovery. How days after getting home we took a trip to Newcastle. And i was scared to be miles from home when i was in a vulnerable way, i just wanted to be in my comfort zone. Even if this comfort zone kept being set fire to lol. In the end the little tripped helped us. I will also goon with the story off how i came to save a life and ended up BACK in A&E not once but twice!
Oh for god sake. Whilst typing this I've put lotties tea in the oven. In a plastic container! Is it ok to give spag bol with a side serving off plastic?

Felling frisky

Last night was the big night out. I spent Friday and Saturday prepping. Doing my nails and treating myself to an at home facial by a lovely lady called chelsey (that's me). Saturday morning I went to the gym and did a little shopping. On my own. Shaun took care off lottie. And I felt terrible for not giving her my 100% attention. But a girls gotta contour.
It look me hours to do my makeup. Makeup is  therapy to me. I can spend hours painting brows and sculpting my cheeks. I pile on the glitter and bronzer. I'm getting exited just talking about it haha. The fact I won £200 worth off beauty products is the best thing ever. And I got to use all my new products Saturday. I had more layers than an onion.
I spent a little time doing my friends makeup, whilst shaun made us cocktails, and played barman. So once we was covered in glitter and I was wearing enough hairspray to sport a flammable sign on my back. We was off. Jeeez I was nervous but once I got sat down and seen all the free bottles off wine I soon relaxed. It was difficult at times because I didn't want to really talk about my illness, not because I'm embaressed or anything, I just worried it would put a downer on other peoples night. But I did realise most off my life has been spent at the hospital for the past few month. And general conversations sometimes come round to this. For example I will say "oh when I was in the hospital the other day". But it didn't feel a problem, no one made me feel funny about it or anything. I wasn't overloaded with people wanting to talk about it. I'm not even sure if they are all aware. And it makes no difference either way if they do or don't.
I was up on the dancefloor and downing shots. I made about 20 new friends as I am just to friendly when I've had a few. I was in such a jokey mood. I threw emmas shoe liner across the hotel lobby, and when it was time to get my coat it was stuck on the hanger. So I took the hanger with me. And got caught by security who told me I couldn't take it. I was look beefcake the hangers coming with me.
When it came to going into another club I just shoved the hanger down my skirt. How normal. And it didn't stop their I got home with a wooden coat hanger, a drinks menu, a happy birthday banner and a garland. So if anybody is missing any off these items I'm ya gal.
I was nervous about getting drunk, and haven't been since before I had lottie. But last night I did get drunk and I was fine. Just like I used to be. If not a little more extra. 1 downfall is I can no longer slut drop. WTF who am I? I can get down but I cant get back up! So I'm a dance move down.
I got in at 2am! And one of the benefits of my reduction in medication I am super frisky. I have had no other side effects from the reduction. Thank god I want to get back under the sheets. Because dam we had I dry patch. I just wasn't feeling it. And this is a side effect of sertraline and I was on rather a high dose off 150mg. And also depression doesn't want you to have a bath never mind bonk! But I'm back and so was my drunken alter ego last night. OMG who is that girl! Taste of wine and I'm a whole new lover. My voice changes and everything, i've spoke to my friends about this and they are like it as well. I'm surprised shaun doesn't ply me with alcohol daily, but on the other hand maybe it scares him. I can get a little carried away pmsl!
Sorry if this is to much information but this is me, and this is how I chat to my friends. And my blog is like my friend. I want to be honest and real and if that involves chatting about my sexy time or lack off then so be it. Its tongue in cheek and that's me.
This morning I woke up a little ropy. You know then you wake up after a night out and just lay their helpless thirsty, hungry and fury teeth but you can just not get up. That was me today. The first thing shaun said to me was, “Lottie popped on her clothes they are in the bathroom if you can sort them”. #BOFF And I'm just sooooo tiered! 
So it nap time baby :)

Root vegetable head pisses off mr petrol station

Todays been another busy one. And I no longer look like some sort of root vegetable. My hair was taking over. But my hairdresser is a magic worker and I now look like a babe again! All in preparation for my big night out on Saturday. All hair is now taken care off. Just my pits and pubes to sort. But I want to leave them till the last second. Due to the fact I get 5 oclock shadow in them areas they grow like wild fire! The tash is no more and the brows are on fleek Just got to sort out my tan and loose a stone. I wasn't the only one  in the hairdressers rocking the root. Looks like we all had been holding out until closer to Christmas. Their was more root in that salon than a woods. I was expecting robin hood and his merry men to come stomping in.
After the chop I had to dash to pick lottie up from my mums. Where lottie had been a total cry baby. Welcome to my world mum. I got to mums and she was stressed needed a wee and water. With lottie day to day tasks are a no. The fact she sleeps in so late is a life saver. Gives me chance to get my jobs done and have food. She is a dream but if the attention isn't on her get ready for the screams. I've heard this is the case with most 7 month olds. I get the odd half an hours piece and its like a little slice of heaven.
I then  met my friend at the library to do a class. Which I said was at 2.30. Turns out it was on at 2! OOOOPS! Instead we went and had a milkshake. It had to be a milkshake I cant keep drinking coffee like this. Does everyone join the mum club and get a caffine addiction? You go to a friends have a coffee or 2. Meet up with a friend "for a coffee". Wowzer I've constantly got the shakes. So now I'm home lottie is playing with and empty tissue box and I've got my feet up.
I forgot to tell you yesterdays drama. When I left from "having a coffee at my friends" the petrol light was on and a light said 7 miles. I gathered 7 miles meant how far I had before the petrol ran out. Me being me I have no clue how far 7 miles is. So I called shaun and asked him if that was ok? "errmm no chels you need to get to a petrol station. So off I popped. Drove into the petrol station via the exit. So my car was facing in the opposite direction to all the others. I've not put petrol in the car for agers due to not wanting to drive. And the car is rather new. Pulled up at the pump (the wrong way round). Looked at the petrol and diesel sign without a clue as to which I use. So it was back in the car to call shaun AGAIN and ask which I use. The guy behind the petrol station counter was looking at me cautiously like I was some kind off yob, and was about to rob his petrol. Shaun was taking agers to answer the phone, when he finally did I was confident it would be easy now. But when it came to getting the petrol cap off (or is it a diesel cap because I'm putting diesel in?). Anyway I'm trying everything to remove the dam thing. I'm pulling it, turning it, wiggling it and grunting at it, with mr petrol station is watching my every move. I was thinking mate if I was going to rob you I wouldn't drive in this dive the wrong way and draw this much attention to myself. I'm no master criminal but even I no root vegetable hair is not the best disguise.
Then I get a tap on the shoulder and it makes me jump. Its only mr petrol staion, asking if I need help. I'm explain I cant get the petrol diesel cap thing off. He looks at me funny and explains that's because their is no such thing on my car, I just shove it in the hole. So I shove it in press the petrol leaver and...........spray it all over the place! Petrol everywhere mr petrol man just walks off leaving petrol prints in his wake. When I went to pay I was debating if to ask him to knock me some off as he was wearing half off it. But decided not to after I seen the pissed off look on his face. I think he was looking at lottie thinking how the hell does she look after a child? But mr petrol station if you are reading this. Sorry about the shoes, and lottie is safe in my care. All a baby needs is love. Mixed in with a bit of common sense.
In regards to lottie's care social services did get in touch after the A&E incident, infact they rang before we even left the hospital. I was constantly reassured this was not because they was worried about lottie. They just wanted to support me. I will do a separate  blog about social services.
For now I will give you a breakdown of what happened whilst I was in A&E. As I said before I saw a nurse who then took me into a side room. Where I sat for hours and hours. People coming in and out for reasons I do remember.
I think was waiting mainly for a chat with the crisis team. The whole time amy was telling me shaun needed to be notified about what had happened. I do remember that much. And every time someone mentioned calling shaun I cried. I really didn't want to. Why I'm unsure. Eventually amy called him. I remember him arriving, but nothing else. So then it was Amy Shaun and Lottie in this tiny room. One minute I was crying the next I was laughing. Eventually a big built man came and asked me questions. This I do remember. He was from the crisis team. I even remember his name. Steve. Who was very to the point and made me feel like the answers to these questions changed everything. He asked me personal things, did I ever want to end my life? did I hear voices? was it my voice I hear?. These questions I can answer effortlessly now but the first time the words wouldn't come out. I had to admit that for 4 days constantly I had been consumed with thoughts off killing myself. I just had to be honest.
It was discussed if I was better off being sectioned, but it was decided that taking me away from shaun would be the worst idea ever. Shaun had to agree that to come home he would have to take time off work and stay with me 24/7. And I mean 24/7. Luckily 2 weeks of this was annual leave so we still had money coming in. But with no family aware off what we was dealing with it
was a lot off pressure on shaun. We would get calls early morning to check he was with me.
Walking out that hospital was so bizarre. I felt like I was labelled. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I wanted to go home but at the same time I was safe in that little room. Id told that little room about my mind. And I wasn't ready to step into the world and have to explain to the world. 
Shaun reassured me all the way home, It was ok nothing had changed at home. Everything was fine. Turns out it wasn't and someone had set fire to the back of our house again! If you’d like to read about the last fire, I've attached a link to that blog. https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/if-its-not-me-breaking-down-its-car.html
Get me being all technical. Check out the picture off my before and after root vegetable head .
In my next blogs I will explain how life was for us now we new what we was dealing with was an actual illness.

You may need tissues as i face my issues.

Good news is my legs haven't dropped off after going to the gym last night. But my motivation to go tonight has gone. I've had such a busy day. Me and lottie went to meet baby harry. Who is my friend Emma's little boy. And he's brand new. He is so tiny. And as soon as I held him I burst into tears.
Holding this tiny baby just took me right back to when lottie was a baby baby. And how I feel I missed out on them precious moments. I never sat and just held her and stared at her. Feeling calm and content. I was just anxious planning what i would do while she slept. I'm sure most new mums just lay and stare at their newborns. Unfortunately I was to busy running from my demons. Don't get my wrong now I'm better I spend hours appreciating the little life I have created. But I wish I could go back to the beginning.
I didn't  love her any less back then. The love i have for her is so strong and always has been. Its a feeling that can not be described, and could never be compared to any to any other love. I never stood and watched her sleep or stroked her head while she took a nap. As soon as her eyes closed i was up keeping busy. And when she woke up id feel relief. Because she was my best distraction.
We make up for it now. She naps in my arms for hours and watching her sleep is my favourite thing to do. Now i can be still and feel the joy her tiny fingers, tiny toes and her tiny little button nose gives me.
Seeing a new born and holding one is another hurdle I've over come. I felt terrible for crying i didn't want to offend emma. And she dealt with the situation fab. Even tho i said no to a cuddle she gave me one anyway and it was the right thing to do. I hate making it the chelsey show. Ok i love it but not in this kind of situation. This was Emma's moment to show off baby harry and i was in tears. But like i have said before people are kinder than you think.
The last time i blogged about my depression i got to the point when i had to call my midwife to help me as id come close to ending my life. I mentioned she didn't really have a clue what to do as my GP was shut ect. In the end and after a chat with another midwife she cancelled all her appointments and took me to A&E. This may seem a little dramatic to some people but i needed medical attention.
Once i got out the car i was terrified! In my life i have never felt fear like it. Surely they was going to take lottie away from me. I'm an unfit mother. All the other patients will stare at me and they all know why I'm here. My midwifes name is Amy and just kept saying over and over, "its fine nobody will take lottie". But i was just getting her out the car thinking this is the last time i do this. After this she will no longer be mine. I just stood frozen. In the end i told myself if they feel lottie needs to be taken into care, and that is what is best for her. I will do whatever is best for her and if that's not me, even if it kills me, i will do what ever will give her the best life.
Finally inside and amy dealt with reception, while i took a seat. Sitting their i was crying staring at amy, knowing what she was saying, feeling ashamed. Holding lottie close, shaking knowing my world was going to change. I was fearful off the unknown, who would i be seen by? what will i say? will i even be able to talk? I have no clue how long we sat waiting to be seen, if the waiting room was empty or busy, i remember talking to amy but have no idea what i said. When i look back all i can see is amy's kind face, which was making me feel safe and lottie just being lottie, cute cuddly and perfect.
Had i have not had amy no chance would i have stayed sat their. At that point i felt like the worlds worst mother and that lottie didn't deserve to have me as a mummy.
We eventually got called into a room, i remember the face of the lady we saw, and that she was talking to me maybe asking me questions I'm not sure. . I just remember 1 sentence she said, "we are going to need to contact social services".  She assured me they was not concerned for lotties welfare it was just standard procedure.
I thought i had done my worst blog. The one about the bridge. Unexpectedly i feel this one has been harder. Realising how much i don't remember, how it is a huge blur. Only remembering the fear and pain. Whilst thinking of taking my life i didn't feel anything. Just numb. But now I'm thinking about a few hours after when i did start to feel again. I'm realising this was actually the worst part.
And as i sit here holding her close receiving wet sloppy kisses. I realise this is the first time she has seen me cry. I've always pulled it together in her company. Each tear i am crying right now holds all that hurt and pain i had back then and this is me letting go off it.
Stay strong sister hood x

Call the glam squad

I'm such a social butterfly these days. It hard to get time to blog, keep on top off my recycling, be a mum ,try do drink enough water and loose weight. In regards to loosing weight it is coming off slowly! Ive started back at the gym AGAIN tonight. Ive not been able to go for a month. Because last time I went. I was like right I'm fine now. Time to work hard. So I just trained like I did pre c section.
And I loved it my adrenalin was pumping, my face was beetroot and I had jelly legs.
The next day wow I couldn't even move my toes. I was in agony, this was no post work out ache, it felt like my insides had been torn apart. I was crying and couldn't sit up. Of to the doctors I hobbled, turns our I had torn the muscles that had been affected from having a c-section. And my god it hurt more than when I had the C-section. So it was strictly no gym for 1 month. And its been a month to the day so I was raring to go back. I think I have learnt my lesson and only went on the bike. I'm hoping 5 miles isn't to much. We shell see tomorrow. And if I'm fine I will go to the gym again as I need to shift this belly. We was having hanky panky the other night and I looked at my stomach and it looked like a caterpillar! I've never had to diet before so I find it difficult, I just love Nutella! Maybe I will just live out the rest of my life being a Nutella eating caterpillar.
Today I've been and made a new friend. Or rather stole a friend from shaun. He new her from school. We said we would meet up for agers and today we got the chance. So I popped round her house. Yano when you meet someone and it feels like you have always known them, it was like that. I think I am one off those people you love me or you hate me. MARMITE. Because I have a strong personality and resting bitch face. I've been told I look like one off the mean girls. Maybe I can appear a little ignorant as well. But that is not me being rude, that's me daydreaming. Sometimes my mind wonders off into a land of unicorns and butterflies and I can forget I'm in a room full of people.
My mum always said she worried about me growing up as I see a world full of rabbits and butterflies. She was maybe afraid that one day id realise their is bad in this world as well as all the lovely things.
And yes like everyone I hate the bad. When I found out I was pregnant their had just been a terror attack. 17th August 2017. A 22 year old man drove a van into innocent pedestrians in Barcelona. This should have been such a happy moment for me finding out I was pregnant. But I was just so upset. I felt guilty for feeling happy, when so many people where suffering. Now I try to look at it as, when a life ends a new one begins, and lottie was one of them soles lost that day. An angel.
I do always try to see a positive in a situation. So depression was a shock to me. I am the opposite to depression normally. But depression took me to a scary world where you can not see positives. You don't see good in the world, beauty or kindness. Days are dark.
Thankfully I am getting back to my old self. The fact I painted shauns nails bright pink last night while he slept, is a sign I'm me again. Having fun and laughing was such an effort when I was ill but now its becoming part off every day life. Anyway I did the MANicure then went on facebook after, and found a post shaun had wrote before he went to sleep. Saying how everyday he is proud off me and my recovery. How awful I felt. He had done such a sweet thing yet was laid with pink UV nails. I heard him looking for the nail varnish remover at 5.30am then I found him in the kitchen trying to remove it with vodka!
And Monday guys I went to a baby group. And felt like such a grown up. How singing twinkle twinkle can make you feel so adult I have no clue. But I did. I hit them nursery rhymes hard. Is it acceptable to drop the mic in a room full of 5 year olds?
The rest of the week will be spent prepping for my works due Saturday. I still need to shave, I'm litrelly the hairiest women ever. I have more facial hair than shaun. Who even gets cheek hair ewww! So its a full body wax head to toe! I also have more root than a tree right now cant wait to go to the hairdressers and blow £70 on a bit of bleech. I've also got to tan, step aside beyonce I will be the new bronzed goddess by this weekend, I need to remove my gel nails and re do them but I have an infection in my toe again so I'm trying to put it off because I know its going to sting like a bitch. In between all this glamourfying I will try and blog. Because at the mo ive only got up to the point when I called my midwife for help. And I have much more to talk about in regards to my depression and recovery, but I seem to keep going off topic. And talking about my bodily functions, random hair growth and toe infections.
Chat soon stay sexy.

Shop till you plop

Phew what a weekend! I don't feel like my feet have touched the ground. Shaun had work all day Saturday. So I killed some time and popped into my work. I really need to start back to work but really don't feel ready. I also did my fave thing and me and lottie did a photo shoot. She loves the camara and we have lots off fun. I've added a photo off her prettiness.

When shaun got home we was off food shopping. Which used to mean going to one shop then home. But not anymore. We go to every supermarket now I'm sure. 1 for this 1 for that another to recycle my carrier bags.
I have 4 different recycling systems its like a crystal maze challenge when someone wants to put something in the bun at my house. I have normal rubbish, card and paper, then 1for  plastic bags and packaging, then 1 for lids and plastic. Then I have to go round dropping it off at different places. It makes me feel less guilty for the amount of hairspray I use. #savetheplanet
Today we was up and out early to a lil family get together. My first since I have had lottie, and I was pooping my pants. But I soon relaxed and was sharing with the room the story off when I  caught my mum and dad at it one random Wednesday night. I have posted a picture of us at the shindig. We never manage to get pictures of us as a family. So here is a rare one.
Then we went to meadow hall and now my feet are killing, I'm skint. And I've brought half off primark. Why when you go to either aldi or primark you end up buying the most random shit. You go in aldi for veg and come out with a chainsaw!
Look at me i'm a new women. Out and about not a care in the world. I even had a no2 in costa coffee. Deffo unlike me. And whilst doing so I was thinking. If you've heard of V.I.Poo I think its great. Basically you spray it down the loo BEFORE you have a no2, and it traps the odour. Preventing it wafting around the room.
Well I think another good product could be V.I.Plop. Which could trap the sound. I dunno how it would work but how good would it be? Nobody could hear you poo or pee!
But to some things up we have had a lovely busy weekend. My last blog has had the most views out off any of my previous, And I'm so glad its that one people have took time to read. As i feel it was my most positive and helpful one. Since i posted it i have had lots of messages from a range off people.
One person said to me she had depression which wasn't the same as mine. As mine is postnatal. But my opinion on this is if you have a problem with your mind. It is all kind of the same, because if i broke the top of my leg and she broke the bottom. We would still both be in pain. Still both need help and recovery. And we can both be fixed.
This blog is just a short pointless one. I'm off now to put on my new pjs and have a prosecco. Ive had to buy new pjs because the elastic has all gone in mine. Non off them fit. I've been wearing shauns. My pre pregnancy body has long gone.
My week is crazy busy i have 2 hospital appointments and lots off plans with friends. I will keep you posted on what i get up to.
Love ya x
P.S I'm back already. Please note this paragraph may be a little graphic. I just went and had my diner. And i just wanted to let you know. We had chicken skewers Thanks to mr chef farni who basically puts paprika on EVERYTHING even mash potatoe. But it works somehow.
But i think i have skewer phobia. I just cant eat them. When i was suffering really bad i once had the urge to use one of the sticks to harm myself. To do this i wanted to ram the stick down the back of my throat and hopefully cut it open. So i jumped up shaking and chucked them in the bin. Scared, i understand now this is the wrong reaction the way to deal with this is just to shrug it off and trust yourself. You will no do this. Incidents like this i think will stay with me forever. Its like flashbacks. I never actually hurt myself yet I'm still scard. I've been told my depression will go with time. But the journey will stick with me forever.
On a lighter note Lottie just ate an olive! Who is this child she is 7 month old and she loves all the things a lot of people hate. Like curry, raw chorizo and peppers. She eats like a 45 year old builder.

Pissing in the wind

Some ones in a good mood! And that someone is me! Today has been so normal. Life is becoming normal so much so that I didn't even wash the pots today. Always a good sign. An untidy house is a good sign for me.
As promised me and lottie have been out and about today. Enjoying life with a car. We went and did some shopping and went for a coffee. Instead of whizzing round with a million things on my mind out of breath. We just smooched around. Not a care in the world. I felt safe in my own skin. Who new a trip to wilko and a new fruit bowl could feel so good.
And guess what it was all drama free. Apart from wanting to bitch slap the wolf pack of girls that work in my local beauty suppliers. Like seriously. They was so rude. And all stood staring at me like id just told them their lips looked like hotdog sausages and their j-lo perfume fucking stunk. Less is more girls.
Or maybe it was the fact id gone with no makeup on. To them it probably looked like I was having a bad day, or I was homeless. But the fact one of my nails is chipped and my hair is a little messy. Is actually me on a good day. Because it means I don't need my mask.
After this I got home and me and shaun had to nip out. And got stuck in traffic. Now please don't judge me but I've never needed a wee so bad in my life, And i just had to get him to stop the car so I could let it out. So here I am in a deserted carpark. Pitch black. Firstly I stand in a massive muddy puddle. At first I thought I had fell down a well, so my fave pom pom trainers are now ditched. Then its wee wee time. Holy crap have you ever peed in the wind? If you haven't DONT! And if you have girl I feel you.
Mid flow a car looks like its coming in the car park so I had to waddle to the other side of the car, and re visit the well. Turns out the car was no where near. But the chilly bits and dented pride was so worth it! Because my bladder was close to popping.
I'm just no good at holding wee. I remember one time we went to alton towers. And again I was desperate. But it was to busy to get out the car. So I had to do it in a Starbucks cup. Shaun was going mental and I was close to tears because I was so embarrassed. 2 bloody grandee cups full their was. I even brought a shewee but only remembered to take it out with me a few times. If you don't no what one off these is, i've posted one below. Please note that is not me on the picture!

Why am I even talking about wee. Its so irrelevant. But I'm sure I have an actual medical problem. Thank god for antibac.

How can I even go on about my depression after that? OOOOOHHHH shaun just shimmeyed into the room with a nice cocktail for me, with an umbrella and everything, served whilst dancing to club Tropicana. 

So anyway. I left my last blog at the point when I almost drove of a bridge. Once id realised the severity of the situation. I realised I needed help. You hear about all this help available to women but at this point I felt helpless. I called my GP and they had no appointments. In the end I decided to call my midwife. Who id grown very close to during my pregnancy. A 30 minute appointment would last over an hour sometimes. She even moved to another GP and requested we went with her. She called us the chosen ones. When she picked the phone up she said she new something was wrong. She drove straight to me. And that 10 minute wait for her to get their. Was the longest off my life.

I was crying shaking I was just a mess. I didn't feel like me or lottie was safe. Once arrived even the midwife was clueless as off what to do. She could tell I needed medical attention. This was not a case of going home and forgetting about it. I was having a breakdown.

More services need to be available. If a midwife doesn't know what to do in this kind of situation. Nobody stands a chance. Organisations need more awareness. Women need to know who they can turn to if they hit crises point. Or even before they get to this point.

If I had been made aware off the symptoms of post natal depression I'm certain this could have been avoided. When new mums are given a bounty pack, and all the shitty leaflets we get flooded with. Ditch the free graze box and 15% off at some random overpriced company. Provide leaflets that can change life's and prevent illness. Don't scare women half to death but just a few pointers. If you feel this way or are thinking this, don't suffer in silence reach out to this place or that.

Lets not get to the point where we get ill before we start looking into our mental health. Lets look into mental health before we get ill. Sometimes seeing posters regarding illness can be a little overwhelming or scary but all the other diseases are scattered around GP centres and hospitals. Cancer is a day to day word. And most of us follow the information given to us. We check our boobs ect, why not make awareness for depression just as important. Maybe a campaign for us to check our breasts or balls AND brain regularly. Maybe call it the Triple B's. Have a tinkle with you bits, then take a second to think what have I been thinking recently.

This I'm sure will save lifes. Save illness. And save women suffering at such an amazing time off our lives. Just 1 simple leaflet, that I'm sure most mums will read. Because once I was bored out my mind. Id washed all the baby grows, id organised and re organised all my baby things. I sat and I read those leaflets. Maybe a piece of paper could have changed my journey into motherhood.

Its got to get worse before it gets better

After this mornings I have no life rant. I'm over it. I've ended up having a lovely day. I got a lovely text from an old friend. She simply asked if I wanted her to come round and she will make me a cup of tea. In the end we went to baby sensory. Which Is a little room at our sure start centre. Full of pretty lights. I've attached a picture below of us enjoying the magical fairy prettiness.

Lottie hasn't spent much time with other baby's and was pretty exited. When she is exited she likes to do a really loud scream and jiggle around. Well she did the loud scream in baby harry's face and he wasn't happy. I've planned another mum date for next week. Who knows I might even have a day next week when I don't stick to my timetable. How edgy.
I'm also one of the unlucky people who's phone is getting no signal. Its so strange I had to follow directions and not use a satnav. And guess what I made it! Its not so bad without a phone. Just as long as I can still take a selfie all is well. When I got home and got wifi, I hadn't missed much only the fact id won almost £200 worth of beauty products. Thanks to marie Claire.
More good news, the car is fixed. Tomorrow I'm freeeeeeee. Unless we have a ton of snow or someone robs the car. Which is just my look.
Oh and don't tell shaun but I've ate his advent calendar again this morning, and rolled the wrapper up. put it back in the tray and closed the door. So if he says anything I will tell him to complain to the reece's pieces people. And if the people of reeces ever read this take the hit. I was emotional.
In my past blogs I've been telling you how things went down hill for me. I was at the point when my thoughts got worse and worse. Night times was the worse. I've woke up thinking a man was coming to get lottie and just sat shaking thinking he was on his way. Absolutely terrified. I've woke with my mind saying over and over to kill myself. And been to scared to move or wake shaun up to help me. Not that he can do much but his kind words take me to a better place. He's so calm and understanding. And nothing I say shocks him. And if it does it doesn't make me feel like it does, somehow he knows that would make me feel even more crazy. Once I was diagnosed with post natal depression. I would be a lot more vocal about my thoughts. Which must have been horrible for shaun to hear. Id ask him to let me die and I even suggested we all die together. I've cried and begged for him to let me go. And during these times although it must have hurt him so much to hear these things. He just focused on making me feel better.
I 100% didn't think I had post natal depression. Id say I need help but I had no idea what for. How it came to a head, to me was one of the worst times in my life. For 4 days constantly I was having intrusive thoughts. I felt sick I was shaking. I just couldn't run anymore. Day to day tasks would just end up me wanting to harm myself. I was petrified of myself. I was going to harm myself, and I've said so many times if this was a person I was scared of I could run away. But I cant its all inside of me and I have no way to escape.
But I was still trying to run. But this day I failed. One morning I was supposed to meet my mum. But I was running late to pick her up. The fact I was late was stressing me out. I didn't let myself off, I had a newborn to get ready. But no to me I was just failing.
Because I was late mum decided to change the plans. So I went on one. Shouting at nothing really and hung up. After hanging up I just stood their shaking thinking what can I do? I need to get out? I cant stay in the house it means thinking, what shell I do instead? Think think quick.
I decided to go into town shopping. I didn't need anything I just needed a distraction. So off I went. I put the music on pretended I was fine. I smiled to myself painfully. All's fine now we are out?
Driving up to a bridge BOOM I have a thought. I look in my rear view mirror for a glimpse of lottie to make me feel better. But her view is blocked by a toy. So whilst on the bridge I turn the wheel in the direction of the edge, seeing my life flash before my eyes the blood, the crash, the sound, the end.
Last minute I pull the wheel back onto the road. And just drive on for a while as if nothing happened. Then I realise, that wasn't ok. And its at that moment I know I'm broken.

Stuck in a rut

Need to rant I'm so upset and frustrated. I am sick of being stuck in this house. Its been almost 2 weeks since the car broke. And its just cut off the world. Its not good for me at all spending everyday in this house with the odd trip to the hospital.
I was looking forward to going to a mother and baby group on Monday but my support worker was ill. So It was a day in the house for us. Tuesday I had the hospital for an hour, Wednesday stayed in the house again. And today another play group was on. So rather than rely on someone else to come with me I planned to go alone.
All was sorted today I had mine and lottie's clothes ready, I fake tanned last night. And was exited for a morning not spent watching catch up tv. So I set an alarm, got showered me and lottie dressed and fed on time. For a morning of fun. Guess what the rain cover is in the car which shaun has taken to work. His advice is to borrow one off a neighbour. Personally I don't feel comfortable knocking on a strangers door saying "hi I'm chelsey I'm trying to escape my house could you please help me by lending me a rain cover".
So its another boring day for us! The closest I have come to the out doors and nature is the fucking Christmas tree! Its only play group but with my meds being reduced and not seeing another sole bar the naughty elf lottie and shaun I just needed to see a different face.
I think even lottie is sick of these 4 walls. Also its nice for people to say oh if you need anything, ect ect. But where are all these people? the messages and kind words are nice. And promising to "pop" round. But nobody actually does. Even if sometimes I reach out it always falls flat. I'm not slagging people off. Everyone has their own life. But i've been flooded with lovely messages and promises of meeting up. Yet I don't see 1 person?
So I'm off now to put all our going out stuff away. And get back to the daily arsehole routine. Maybe lottie will mix things up for me a little and shit on the carpet or something. Give me something to do for an hour. My motivation to get out and about is fading just like this pointless fake tan!
Infact I am so bored I am going to give you a breakdown of my lame day to day life.
9-10am Lottie bow wakes me up having a sing along In the cot. Which melts my heart. So its up we get teeth cleaned ass changed (hers not mine). Then its a bottle for lottie.
10-11am Lottie has her breakfast, and feeds herself while I wash the pots. Then its the big clean up. She gets food all over (see video). This includes on the cupboards the floor and she likes to wear it head to toe. Sometimes I see the postman and have a chat. Breaks up my morning old postman pat.
11-12pm Once clean its nap time. Recently naps will only be taken in my arms so I ensure I'm fed an watered ready to be stuck on the sofa for an hour. Bored shitless.
12-1 Milk and snack time for lottie. And often this is also poo time.
1-2pm shaun gets home and I ask him about his day. Adding nothing to the conversation unless i've seen a scandal on facebook.
2-3pm Sort mine and shauns diner.

The rest of the day will be spent doing odd jobs maybe blogging and bath and bed. THRILLING.

hard to write, hard to read but maybe this is what i need

Holy shamoly I'm going on my works due. I called and booked it today. Huge step for me. Part of me is exited, I get to do party makeup and use my fave STILA gold glitter eyeshadow. And spend hours painting my face. On the other  hand I'm nervous, nervous I may get drunk and I will be without shaun. But shaun is going to pick me up, this makes me feel better. Because then I will not feel pressured to stay. But I have a funny feeling once I relax I will be fine. And necking jagerbombs like I'm 18 and never drank before. I've ordered my outfit, step aside cat slater. Their seems to be a new queen of leopard print. MMMMEEEOW! Watch out MIlFS about!
I've been to see pony today. And she has told me I absolutely have to go the the hospital less. I go weekly at the mo alternating between a doctor and nurse each week. Pony keeps trying to get me to drop the appointments. But I really really don't want to. Going to the hospital used to drag me down, now it lifts me up. Its a reason to get dressed and i get to see all my new friends. Apparently i have to find different reasons to get out and about. So girls hit me up i need a life!
In regards to lottie. She's much better and has actually left me alone a little today. She's played nicely on the floor and then had a nap in her cot fuss free. I was so worried with her being ill and needy we would never get her back into a routine. But my angel proves me wrong and is back to her smiley happy independent self. Meaning i get to mop the floors and bang on the hoover. Ok the hoovers a lie as if i hoover ew. Its so 1970s housewife. That's why Henry has a boys name. Because its for boys to use.
This blog I want to let you in on when things started getting really bad for me depression wise. I think lottie was around the age 10-13 weeks. Upto this point I think my mind had been occupied with the move and recovering from my C-section. We had visitors all the time and I was just your everyday new mum.
Constantly changing nappies and figuring out how to change a shitty bum without getting it on my fingers. Once all had calmed down and the visitors stopped and shaun had returned to work. May I add his first day back as he was walking out the door. I was changing lottie and as i lift her legs up she squirts poop all over me and the floor. So shaun had to stay home a little longer and help with the big clean up. Funny because i hate shaun leaving for work in a morning. And do and say anything to get him to stay. I fake cry, and have been known to try and pin him down. Lottie was 2 weeks old and already figured out she wants daddy to stay home.
Let me get back on track so here i was home alone. Everything's changed. Routine? what routine. Lottie runs the show now. I would sit and think right Mondays i will clean the bins Tuesdays the bathroom and stick to a rota, as i would if i was at work. ASIF! this does not work with a newborn. I don't deal well without routine. And was finding it hard with no plan day to day.
Shaun gets home from work around 2. I felt the need to show him i am a good mum. And i thought to do this the house needed to be spotless. I needed to be up and dressed. Dinner needs to be on. I wish i realised this doesn't mean i have my shit together.
I'm sure would have not noticed if i was still in my pjs covered in baby sick. But i have a point to prove right? Id failed at labour, i couldn't fail at motherhood to. I was constantly looking for reassurance, and checking he was happy. And pushing my feelings aside.
Id make sure i filled me days up with things to do. Adding pressure onto myself. Id make plans with my mum. Say to meet at 12. So id get up get me and lottie glam. Do all the house choors. drive and meet my mum for 12 be home for 2 to have diner ready for shaun. All the time thinking I'm sure everyone said when you have a baby you don't have any time to do anything yet here i was with everything spick and span. This means I'm bossing motherhood right?
Wrong! Because if i had just took a second to stop and think about how i was feeling. I would have realised i was not in a good place mentally. But it was easier to ignore that and keep running from it. Obviously this is unrealistic. Because how ever hard we try. A time will come when you are alone and your mind does wonder. This time for me was always in the bath. Id lay in their and try and get shaun to keep me company. So i wasn't alone with my thoughts. But he couldn't always be. So off my mind would spiral.
Please note i am going to list some of the things id think and some are upsetting. And before i had depression i thought suicide was so selfish. Do these people not think about the family they are leaving behind? the lives they are affecting? i've learnt the hard way yes they do think about these things. They think they are doing their family a favour. They are a burden. And their presence is a hindrance. Nobody was making me feel this way other than myself.
I would hear lottie giggling with her daddy. And see this as a sign they was better off without me. She was laughing because i wasn't  their. Shaun didn't need me. Nobody did, nobody would notice if i was gone. Listen lottie is laughing and I'm not their. Id think about my funeral, id feel emotionless about all these things. I wasn't sad i wanted to die, the only thing that made me sad was thinking about lottie being labelled as the child who's mum committed suicide. This is the only thing pulling me back. She would be labelled.
Then the tears would start. Why every time I'm still am i thinking like this! Why am i scared to let my mind wonder? Why is this happening? i have the world but want to end it? why is my brain screaming negative things at me? Who is this person? why don't i laugh? why don't i sing? Is this going to last forever? what even is this? why do i want to harm myself? why do i constantly feel sick?
I cant believe i kept it up for so long, i will do another blog soon about how it all came to a head. And how i almost took my life. Also how i think an illness like mine can be prevented. And how it would be so easy to make this something all new mums are aware off.
We cant see we have depression ourselves how can others help. Below I've posted a picture off me at my worst. Honestly do i look depressed? No. Depression doesn't have a face It wasn't until i was diagnosed and accepted i wasn't ok that i began to look a little  unkept. And allowed myself off days. If i couldn't be arsed to move all day fine, don't move all day. I didn't wash my hair or plaster on a smile. I just concentrated on getting better.

How to piss a wife off

The answer to the question you have all been waiting for. Did shaun make it home in time? ..............
ASIF! Course he didn't! And I was fuuuuuuming! I didn't blog yesterday as it just would have been a hate campaign against shaun. Aint nobody want to read me rant.
But I will give you an insight into the breakdown of my marriage! Just kidding. But boy I was mad. So he promised he'd be back at 8. Not that I have ever set times on him being home, but I was ill. And last year he got strandered in chesterfield and I had to drive over in the snow pregnant to pick him up. Because he had ignored my advice about pre booking a taxi. Of to chesterfield I drove with morning breath and bed head. On the hunt for the little piss head
I found him propped against a lamppost wearing a bright pink jumper with pigs in blankets stuck all over it. ACTUAL pigs in blankets! I had one nostril full of the smell of raw sausage and the other sick because its all he did all the way home. I ended up getting in at 6am!
Saturday was his big day to show what a mature adult he can be. I offer to give him the easy option and I will pick him up. But no he had total faith on himself to get the 8 train. And so did muggings over here. Then I get a text "I will be on the 9pm train that ok?"
"yes ok" I replied with I sigh
9.15 arrives I'm call him to check he got the train ok. No answer. Straight away I know why.
When he eventually answers the phone and I ask why he missed it he gets in a tangle " I got held up" "the train was late" the train was early" out of the 3 he decided he was going to stick with the train being early story.
Early by 20 minutes. Apparently he found this out whist sat in  the pub, it popped up on his phone. And he could never get from the pub to the train on time. To me this screams BULLSHIT. So I asked him if I call east midlands trains right now they will tell me that train came 20 minutes early. He assured me they would confirm this. So guess what? course I rang them and that train departed BANG on time!
1 thing I can not stand is lies. Ask my star sign Capricorn. I'm chilled I let things slide but when I loose it run! His friend tried to calm me down. By telling me they was at the train station but the train never came, another lie. The truth was they was sat in the pub with no thought of a train. Why he didn't just say the truth is beyond me.
So I sent him packing to his mums for the night. I was just so disappointed, and I hate to pull the depression card but change right now is hard to deal with. Just the slightest thing makes me panic. So this set me off. I've  calmed down now I'm just angry with myself for wasting the vodka orange I chucked in his face the next day. Please note acts like this are not common for me ive Done it like 1 other time in my life. And I am sorry. It’s rare we argue and when’s we do I get angry because we are angry.
I'm unsure if this is a little dramatic. And I sound like a total syco. Which I probably am. But I'm an honest syco, Not many people would admit they have an inner wacko jacko. But I embrace mine.
I also like to think I'm a good wife. Shaun can go out every weekend if he likes, I don't check up on him, he can spend what he likes ect. All I ask is for respect. Meet in the middle kind of thing. As we are all aware life isn't as black and white as that,  But everything is fine now we have laughed it off. He's a fab husband and has supported me like no man ever could. I just wish he could use his wrist for more than just one thing and get a watch. Bitch fest over. Love you my shaun.
On to last night I had another nightmare. Please note this is graphic and probably not an easy read. And I was unsure if to blog it. But I said id be as honest as I can. This dream  About being abroad and hiding from terrorists, they found me and another lady in a hotel and was going to return for us later in the day. But we managed to escape and got on  a bus. We then had to switch buses but one of them was going to blow up and we had to make a choice which we went for.
Do we stay or move on the other bus. I decided to move and the bus with my friend on blew up. As we drove away gun shots where being fired at us. I managed to not get hit and was taken to a nearby hospital. And placed on an overspill mother and baby ward.
The nurses manning the overspill ward was watching CCTV live footage of  the main ward and suddenly all the mothers and baby's had gone. Then our room began filling up with lady's in suits who started injecting all us mums making us very drowsy and unable to move. I could still see and was trying to focus on things around me. Incase I ever got out this hell and I could relay what I saw and heard, what was they wearing, what they looked like, what names they used.
As i got sleepier and sleepier the suited lady's started harming the babies they didn't want to kidnap. Lottie was to the left of me and blood started running down the bed as if she had been harmed. I managed to move to look at her and she had not been harmed. It was someone else's blood she was rolling around in.
As you can imagine dreams like this are hard to forget and shrug off. But this is how you should deal with it. Not stand in the bathroom shaking. This had a huge effect on my morning. And I was drifting back into my old ways.
After a chat with pony all is better. She assured me yet again its fine I'm fine. This dream has no reflection on me as a person. And is just a way of the depression trying to pull me back. Sometimes it feels like I'm moving forward with a lorry strapped to my back.
I want to move I'm tugging and pulling, it hurts but I just have to keep trying. Maybe one day I will just remove the straps and walk away. And that heavy weight will just go away. If this happens I will pull a moony and say fuck you lorry of depression.
Pony also thinks the dreams could be an effect from my medication. I take 150mg of sertraline. This is considered a pretty high dose. Another side effect is sweating, OMG its so bad. Wearing grey, red, yellow or any other colour that goes dark when wet is a big no! I've never sprayed so much deodorant. Their will be no o zone layer if I don't come off these meds soon.
The decision has been made to reduce the tablets to 100mg. Ill keep you posted on how this goes.
Chat soon x