Holding this tiny baby just took me right back to when lottie was a baby baby. And how I feel I missed out on them precious moments. I never sat and just held her and stared at her. Feeling calm and content. I was just anxious planning what i would do while she slept. I'm sure most new mums just lay and stare at their newborns. Unfortunately I was to busy running from my demons. Don't get my wrong now I'm better I spend hours appreciating the little life I have created. But I wish I could go back to the beginning.
I didn't love her any less back then. The love i have for her is so strong and always has been. Its a feeling that can not be described, and could never be compared to any to any other love. I never stood and watched her sleep or stroked her head while she took a nap. As soon as her eyes closed i was up keeping busy. And when she woke up id feel relief. Because she was my best distraction.
We make up for it now. She naps in my arms for hours and watching her sleep is my favourite thing to do. Now i can be still and feel the joy her tiny fingers, tiny toes and her tiny little button nose gives me.
Seeing a new born and holding one is another hurdle I've over come. I felt terrible for crying i didn't want to offend emma. And she dealt with the situation fab. Even tho i said no to a cuddle she gave me one anyway and it was the right thing to do. I hate making it the chelsey show. Ok i love it but not in this kind of situation. This was Emma's moment to show off baby harry and i was in tears. But like i have said before people are kinder than you think.
The last time i blogged about my depression i got to the point when i had to call my midwife to help me as id come close to ending my life. I mentioned she didn't really have a clue what to do as my GP was shut ect. In the end and after a chat with another midwife she cancelled all her appointments and took me to A&E. This may seem a little dramatic to some people but i needed medical attention.
Once i got out the car i was terrified! In my life i have never felt fear like it. Surely they was going to take lottie away from me. I'm an unfit mother. All the other patients will stare at me and they all know why I'm here. My midwifes name is Amy and just kept saying over and over, "its fine nobody will take lottie". But i was just getting her out the car thinking this is the last time i do this. After this she will no longer be mine. I just stood frozen. In the end i told myself if they feel lottie needs to be taken into care, and that is what is best for her. I will do whatever is best for her and if that's not me, even if it kills me, i will do what ever will give her the best life.
Finally inside and amy dealt with reception, while i took a seat. Sitting their i was crying staring at amy, knowing what she was saying, feeling ashamed. Holding lottie close, shaking knowing my world was going to change. I was fearful off the unknown, who would i be seen by? what will i say? will i even be able to talk? I have no clue how long we sat waiting to be seen, if the waiting room was empty or busy, i remember talking to amy but have no idea what i said. When i look back all i can see is amy's kind face, which was making me feel safe and lottie just being lottie, cute cuddly and perfect.
Had i have not had amy no chance would i have stayed sat their. At that point i felt like the worlds worst mother and that lottie didn't deserve to have me as a mummy.
We eventually got called into a room, i remember the face of the lady we saw, and that she was talking to me maybe asking me questions I'm not sure. . I just remember 1 sentence she said, "we are going to need to contact social services". She assured me they was not concerned for lotties welfare it was just standard procedure.
I thought i had done my worst blog. The one about the bridge. Unexpectedly i feel this one has been harder. Realising how much i don't remember, how it is a huge blur. Only remembering the fear and pain. Whilst thinking of taking my life i didn't feel anything. Just numb. But now I'm thinking about a few hours after when i did start to feel again. I'm realising this was actually the worst part.
And as i sit here holding her close receiving wet sloppy kisses. I realise this is the first time she has seen me cry. I've always pulled it together in her company. Each tear i am crying right now holds all that hurt and pain i had back then and this is me letting go off it.
Stay strong sister hood x
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