Ok I'm lying I brought I few things from topshop a new diamante curtain pole, and loads of new things for lottie, But what I really want is a pair of ugg boots. But they are still £100+. Which is ridicules for what is just a bit of carpet made into a shoe shape.
I'm off out tomorrow with shauns family for a few drinks and hopefully ice skating. And I have nothing to wear. Its a difficult one, its day drinking. So smart casual but smart casual is so difficult in the winter. Whatever you wear is just going to be dragged down by the big coat. I slag the big coat of, but it allowed me to go to asda in my pj top today.
That's enough of my moaning now. A positive is, yesterday I mentioned I'm reading a book and its really good. Well I tweeted about it also. And guess what the auther of said book got back to me. She even read my blog and found it so funny she read it to her husband. I pointed out my spelling is sometimes off but she thinks it doesn't matter when the content is so good. How flattering! I'm unsure the content of my blogs are even good. Its just my day to day life.
Recently I haven't spoke much about my depression. But today I will get back onto the topic. As this is the reason I started blogging after all. The last time I spoke with regards to my depression I explained my visits the hospital have been cut. Meaning I go less. Today has been the first day I've really thought about it. Maybe its because I'm not feeling so yack.And going to the hospital gives me a little boost. My next visit is in around a week. So not long now until I get my hospital high.
In my past blogs if you have read them I have been trying to paint the picture of my journey with post natal depression. So far I have covered, my pregnancy see https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/a-foot-job.html, labour http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/do-me-favour-just-let-me-have-normal.html
the start of my depression and dealing with it alone, a lot in regards to this you will find , http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html
the day everything came bubbling to the surface http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/all-is-fixed.html and so much more in between.
I've covered a lot about getting home from the hospital and social services getting involved. Obvously whilst we was dealing with social services we was also trying to adapt to life with post natal depression. The day after getting home from the hospital I had a home visit booked. It was my first 1-1 setion doing baby massage. It was mentioned at the hospital cancelling this appointment. But I hate hate hate being a let down. So I went ahead and kept the appointment. When the massage lady arrived (tina), she had already been contacted by my midwife. So she new exactly what had happened and we didn't end up doing baby massage. She became another person to help me and was a great support. After many appointments we completed the massage course. And our friendship grew and grew. One say she would turn up and id be in my pjs minus my bra and another day id look like a super model. Pmsl not a super model but at least a 7/10. She went with the ups and downs. The laughing and crying. By the time we completed it I was in a much better place.
During our first appointment I was on and off the phone. The crisis team were trying to sort out my medication and social services wanted to make an appointment to visit us at home. My first prescription I was given 50mg of sertraline and diazepam, which is to be taken at times when thoughts get to much. Such as I am getting an intense urge to end my life or my imagination has run wild. Eventually I have become less dependent on diazepam and the sertraline has been upped and downed over time. The most I was on was 150mg.
In regards to social services I couldn't make an appointment with them for a week or so because we had a trip to Newcastle booked. To go and she shauns sister. We was unsure if to go or not. Because nobody new about our situation and I couldn't imagine living in somebody else's house whilst living in such a dark world mentally, and being miles from home. But we went. And I think its the best thing we could have done. To be away in such a lovely environment on the beach and with good company. We made footprints in the sand and lottie had her first paddle in the sea. Which was FREEEZING but lottie being lottie didnt mind one bit. I had a heavy heart but the smile I was wearing was not as forsed as it had been. I didn't have any self doubt or intense anxiety. I never said I though I wanted to end my life, which made a massive change.
When the day came to go home I didn't want to go. I knew we had to return to my first meeting with a therapist, and being an outpatient at a mother and baby unit. And I had the visit from social services. As we got closer and closer to home I felt my mood dropping with each mile.
In my next blog I will fill you in on how I become to have several professionals helping me with my illness. How the question was asked if I wanted to be placed on the mother and baby unit as I found myself ill again.
Its time for me to go now I have a bubble bath ran, and I want to perv on my new curtain rail.
UPDATE Or maybe not perv on the rail. I just checked progress and one of the drilled holes is to big for the screw. So now I have no curtains or rail and a huge hole above my patio door.
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