I worry about the English in my blogs or the lack of. I think people will get annoyed that I don't use a coma in the correct place, and can sometimes get words mixed up. I feel this may drive some people crazy. But I was told this is what makes it relatable and true. Its not perfect or scripted its from the heart. To be honest I'm not even sure its interesting at times lol, but moving forward I am going to stop worrying about the mistakes I may making. But if anyone does want to share a few pointers on when to start a new paragraph I'm all ears! The people that read this in different parts of the world must hardly have a clue what I am jabbering on about.
Anyway this morning when I woke up I felt like utter crap. Just sooooooo unwell. Yano when you are like awkward ill, your not dying but your not ok either. When you cant decide if you are to ill to go to work. And you stress thinking now will I go and end up throwing up all over Karen or will i get their and it will be like i never even had a major illness before i got out of bed? But no way was I missing ice skating even if I had to take my duvet with me I was getting them skates on. Luckily I ditched the duvet and felt better for doing so.
I went on the ice with my brother in law mike because everyone else was to chicken shit to join in. But we no full well when they saw me pushing mike on a child's banana aid they had major regrets. When i last went skating i was a wiz kid. I had a reality check today as i thought it would be just like old times. But oh no you need good core to skate, and thanks to the C-section this is something i no longer have. So it was much harder. And yes i used a penguin for the first 10 minutes and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Me and mike didn't realise you had to actually hire the penguins and bannans, we just thought you could use them, So we was just skating round with some pore childs skating aid. We managed to get a picture off me pushing mike on the banana which is lovely. We are unaware we are being papped and its refreshing to see a natural picture. Wearing a genuine smile to many pictures are staged these days, including my own,. Unfortunately our day out was cut short as lottie was screaming mum and dads house down because she was missing her mummy and daddy. I soon forgave her when she smothered me in kisses.
Back to yesterdays blog, i finished it when we had got back from Newcastle. Well we got home and realised and was advised to reach out to family who may offer us support. And by having that extra support it may help shaun be able to have a little more of a life and break from me. Because he was having to be by my side 24/7 and not only that but sometimes i probably wasn't good company, hardly talking and with talks about ending my life.
So the decision came to tell my mum. Which was so difficult it was a little easier explaining to doctors about how a felt. They are not a constant in my life. With someone you love its different, if they don't understand or they think you are a bad mum that's something you have to deal with forever. I was in a fragile state so her reaction was going to have an effect on me. Where does it leave me if mum thinks I'm crazy or I've failed or I'm just being a drama queen. It might get to much.
Obviously her reaction was nothing like that and nobody's has been. My plan was to keep this a secret from EVERYONE, but i know now that was unrealistic. Telling my mum changed everything it lightened the load for us. She was shocked yes but she wanted to help. I begged her not to tell a sole not even my dad and she kept to her word, i told him a few weeks after but for now it was just me my mum and Shaun facing this.
To keep it a secret we did have to tell a few white lies. Like when my mum came with me for an appointment at milbrook we had to tell dad a fib. Mum sat and spoke to my doctor whilst i was in the room. She sat and explained step by step what i was going through and it felt like i was having an out of body experience hearing it all back.
As always me and mum ended up having a giggle. Because Millbrook is our local mental heath unit and does have a stigma attached to it. And nobody in my life was aware i was suffering so i didn't want to be seen entering the hospital. It wasnt until walking into the unit, i realised i was wearing a super bright floor length orange coat, pushing a neon pink pushchair! Not my best disguise and for some reason we found it so funny! And surprisingly yes we did get spotted. We could have been spotted from the bloody moon thanks to me!
From here i am going to look back at my appointments with my therapist, how they have helped me and at times they felt pointless. This is all a little jumbled in my mind as at some points i was very unwell but will try and explain them to you as best as possible.
Hope you have a good weekend. I'm unsure if to take my tree down this weekend or not. I'm at that awkward stage where you don't want to take it down, but you cant be arsed to turn the lights on. Decisions Decisions. .
No comments:
Post a Comment