The answer to the question you have all been waiting for. Did shaun make it home in time? ..............
ASIF! Course he didn't! And I was fuuuuuuming! I didn't blog yesterday as it just would have been a hate campaign against shaun. Aint nobody want to read me rant.
But I will give you an insight into the breakdown of my marriage! Just kidding. But boy I was mad. So he promised he'd be back at 8. Not that I have ever set times on him being home, but I was ill. And last year he got strandered in chesterfield and I had to drive over in the snow pregnant to pick him up. Because he had ignored my advice about pre booking a taxi. Of to chesterfield I drove with morning breath and bed head. On the hunt for the little piss head
I found him propped against a lamppost wearing a bright pink jumper with pigs in blankets stuck all over it. ACTUAL pigs in blankets! I had one nostril full of the smell of raw sausage and the other sick because its all he did all the way home. I ended up getting in at 6am!
Saturday was his big day to show what a mature adult he can be. I offer to give him the easy option and I will pick him up. But no he had total faith on himself to get the 8 train. And so did muggings over here. Then I get a text "I will be on the 9pm train that ok?"
"yes ok" I replied with I sigh
9.15 arrives I'm call him to check he got the train ok. No answer. Straight away I know why.
When he eventually answers the phone and I ask why he missed it he gets in a tangle " I got held up" "the train was late" the train was early" out of the 3 he decided he was going to stick with the train being early story.
Early by 20 minutes. Apparently he found this out whist sat in the pub, it popped up on his phone. And he could never get from the pub to the train on time. To me this screams BULLSHIT. So I asked him if I call east midlands trains right now they will tell me that train came 20 minutes early. He assured me they would confirm this. So guess what? course I rang them and that train departed BANG on time!
1 thing I can not stand is lies. Ask my star sign Capricorn. I'm chilled I let things slide but when I loose it run! His friend tried to calm me down. By telling me they was at the train station but the train never came, another lie. The truth was they was sat in the pub with no thought of a train. Why he didn't just say the truth is beyond me.
So I sent him packing to his mums for the night. I was just so disappointed, and I hate to pull the depression card but change right now is hard to deal with. Just the slightest thing makes me panic. So this set me off. I've calmed down now I'm just angry with myself for wasting the vodka orange I chucked in his face the next day. Please note acts like this are not common for me ive Done it like 1 other time in my life. And I am sorry. It’s rare we argue and when’s we do I get angry because we are angry.
I'm unsure if this is a little dramatic. And I sound like a total syco. Which I probably am. But I'm an honest syco, Not many people would admit they have an inner wacko jacko. But I embrace mine.
I also like to think I'm a good wife. Shaun can go out every weekend if he likes, I don't check up on him, he can spend what he likes ect. All I ask is for respect. Meet in the middle kind of thing. As we are all aware life isn't as black and white as that, But everything is fine now we have laughed it off. He's a fab husband and has supported me like no man ever could. I just wish he could use his wrist for more than just one thing and get a watch. Bitch fest over. Love you my shaun.
On to last night I had another nightmare. Please note this is graphic and probably not an easy read. And I was unsure if to blog it. But I said id be as honest as I can. This dream About being abroad and hiding from terrorists, they found me and another lady in a hotel and was going to return for us later in the day. But we managed to escape and got on a bus. We then had to switch buses but one of them was going to blow up and we had to make a choice which we went for.
Do we stay or move on the other bus. I decided to move and the bus with my friend on blew up. As we drove away gun shots where being fired at us. I managed to not get hit and was taken to a nearby hospital. And placed on an overspill mother and baby ward.
The nurses manning the overspill ward was watching CCTV live footage of the main ward and suddenly all the mothers and baby's had gone. Then our room began filling up with lady's in suits who started injecting all us mums making us very drowsy and unable to move. I could still see and was trying to focus on things around me. Incase I ever got out this hell and I could relay what I saw and heard, what was they wearing, what they looked like, what names they used.
As i got sleepier and sleepier the suited lady's started harming the babies they didn't want to kidnap. Lottie was to the left of me and blood started running down the bed as if she had been harmed. I managed to move to look at her and she had not been harmed. It was someone else's blood she was rolling around in.
As you can imagine dreams like this are hard to forget and shrug off. But this is how you should deal with it. Not stand in the bathroom shaking. This had a huge effect on my morning. And I was drifting back into my old ways.
After a chat with pony all is better. She assured me yet again its fine I'm fine. This dream has no reflection on me as a person. And is just a way of the depression trying to pull me back. Sometimes it feels like I'm moving forward with a lorry strapped to my back.
I want to move I'm tugging and pulling, it hurts but I just have to keep trying. Maybe one day I will just remove the straps and walk away. And that heavy weight will just go away. If this happens I will pull a moony and say fuck you lorry of depression.
Pony also thinks the dreams could be an effect from my medication. I take 150mg of sertraline. This is considered a pretty high dose. Another side effect is sweating, OMG its so bad. Wearing grey, red, yellow or any other colour that goes dark when wet is a big no! I've never sprayed so much deodorant. Their will be no o zone layer if I don't come off these meds soon.
The decision has been made to reduce the tablets to 100mg. Ill keep you posted on how this goes.
Chat soon x
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