Today I had my last meeting with my community worker. I'm unsure of her job title but basically she was assigned to me to help me regain normality. She has suffered post natal depression herself and has been a huge help for me. Her first visit she came to my house, and eventually we started going out for coffee just me and her and we have finished off today going to a baby group. She's help me adapt to things and her journey was pretty similar to mine.
During our first meeting I was very unwell and just cried, It was surreal to meet somebody else who has been in the same boat as me. I felt exposed and like she could see my soul. But it was nice for someone to say "yes that happened to me" Because as much as doctors tell you its happened to a lot off people. You never actually believe it. Seeing is believing.
I made the decision the end our sessions which was a hard one as I enjoy her company. But I felt selfish keep seeing her when I don't need to. I'm better now and I'm sure others need her more. So its time for her to move on and help another mum. Jeeez I'm going to cry again, but at least I'm at home now not outside the baby changing in Morrison's like earlier. Once inside the baby changing I soon forgot about feeling sad as lottie had done a big poop. On her clothes and everything baby's smelly poops can sometimes be a good distraction! I love the fact our journey started with me blorting my eyes out every 5 seconds and finished singing if you happy and you know it clap your hands!
I have a funny story also, whilst I was putting my bin away, once home from the big sing song. I left lottie in her pushchair and forgot to put the break on. Turned around and she had rolled into a bush. No harm done she was just sat looking at me like it was normal to have half her body submerged into a leafy bush. Lesson learnt!
Yesterdays blog ended because i needed a hungover nap. It was the best. I woke up hang over free. I wasn't particularly feeling ill I just was very anxious, which would have been effects from the alcohol as it is a depressant. But I was soon feeling fine and glad I let loose. I've started planning a night out for my birthday in January. My last birthday in my 20's! I was looking at my old pictures earlier and found one of me on the ironing board upside down. Remember that blog when I was trying to get lottie out the breach position? Ive added the picture to that blog if you'd like to have a look. Its not everyday you get to see a pregnant lady dangling upside down on an ironing board. https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/a-foot-job.html I'm so happy to see i have readers from around the world, france, Germany, Ukraine, spain and lots from the united states. I appreciate that you take time out your day to read my blog.
Lets get back to the blog when I stated social services got involved after my trip to A&E. I was told this was standard procedure when a child goes to A&E. They did call us often to check I was ok. And they went on to book a home visit. They dealt with us in a kind, understanding and friendly manor. In no way making me feel like I had done something wrong. They was understanding to the fact we had a few days away booked and came to visit after. The case was dropped after the visit. I was sent a report about the case. Which detailed what had happened and the fact lottie had been in the car when I had wanted to end my life. Mothers unfortunately do commit suicide when they are dealing with this illness. Now I understand these mother felt the world would be better without them. They didn't think about all the people that love them and will miss them. I've been told I cant fix the world. But maybe I can help. Help mothers not get to crisis point and help them recognise symptoms off depression. And if I cant help I can say I tried. This is a dream off mine. But my therapist said I need to be 100% better before i can think of ways to help.
Back to my case with social services. People that had been involved with me and lottie previously had been contacted. Like GPs and health visitors. My midwife gave a touching statement saying me and shaun was a very loving couple, and i was a fantastic mother. It was nice to see all those people new we was doing well even aganst the odds. The fact shaun is so supportive was logged, including the fact he took time off work to care for me and lottie. Social services wanted evidence that if ever i felt unwell i could take time out alone.
Blogging about this has been difficult as i feel some may judge. But i cant stress enough how positive the report was from social services and i don't regret it happened. This will not effect lottie in any way and no record will be kept on her "files" or mine. I also don't want people to fear getting help because this happened to me. I've spoke to lots of mums who have suffered like me and no others have had this experience. Obviously in my case they felt this was needed. And I'm glad i listened when they reassured me this was more about me than lottie. It was about a support system being put in place for me.
Previously when i said me and shaun had a little break booked. I will blog about that next and all the other things that we faced during recovery. How days after getting home we took a trip to Newcastle. And i was scared to be miles from home when i was in a vulnerable way, i just wanted to be in my comfort zone. Even if this comfort zone kept being set fire to lol. In the end the little tripped helped us. I will also goon with the story off how i came to save a life and ended up BACK in A&E not once but twice!
Oh for god sake. Whilst typing this I've put lotties tea in the oven. In a plastic container! Is it ok to give spag bol with a side serving off plastic?
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