But I'm getting their the gifts are wrapped and under the tree, just a little more cleaning and delivering gifts then its go go gadget show! Bring santa the fuck on!! I'm ready for ya fatty.
Obviously I was a little more reserved when I took lottie to his grotto today. The same grotto I went to last year with a little pink ribbon around my belly and a sparkly bow. Lottie actually likes santa. I think she wanted to take a nap wrapped in his snuggly red coat. Shaun on the other hand wasn't a big fan he swore blind santa was drunk! He was so chatty it got awkward, I was like ok santa can I have my baby back please? Maybe it was the fact lotiie was dressed as an elf. OMG she looked so cute! Ill add some pics.
She's been such a good baby recently. So smiley and chill. She isn't clinging and is taking naps in her cot in the daytime, giving me a chance to eat a mince pie in piece. She's finally got 2 teeth and is sooooo close the crawling its frustrating to watch. Constipation is back thought. Poos in the bath are becoming normal. Its the most vile thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. After all those bad dreams I was on a downer. And decided to give it a break. I haven't been up to much and I've felt better. After one dream I had a such a bad spell. I did something id not done in a while and I got lottie out of her cot early in the morning and put her in bed with me. I put her in but don't dare touch her. I just need her close. I need to hear her breath and feel the comfort she brings me. This felt like a huge step back. And I was so scared the depression had returned. Meaning a step back from enjoying my life with lottie. But I took diazepam for a few nights and I'm better now.
Its strange sometimes I wake up in a morning scared with prickly skin, thinking ive had the worst dream. But after a few hours I realise I didn't even have a bad dream. Maybe its because I'm so used to waking up in that state now. Or the illness will not let me recognise the fact I had a good dream. I will ask pony next time I see her and let you know. She said this little blip is the depression fighting back. My doctor is telling me I'm fine and depression is tackling that making me think its not fine. But I just need to fight against this demon.
Hopefully I will get a chance to blog again before santa comes. If not I will let you in on a few gifts I've got for a few people. This year I've wrote my mum a poem. Me and my mum was never close before I got ill. But now we are so close I've always been super independent and never needed anyone. Or so I thought. Until now. And without her, recovery would have been a lot harder. Heresmy poem its names brave heart.
You was their from the start,
When I had a broken heart,
Which I thought could never be fixed,
At times maybe your feelings where mixed,
Is this forever?
Will we smile again together?
And look I do,
Part of that is down to you,
Sometimes we couldn't see the end,
But we can now,
Thanks to you mum my best friend,
With ups and downs,
Laughter and frowns,
Despite our fear,
We've made it my dear,
By laughing at orange coats,
And pretending to laugh at dads jokes,
You've slept in my bed,
Don't touch me I said,
I didn't need your hugs,
When I have all your love,
Lets never look back,
At a time so black,
Lets live our dreams,
And wear smiles that beam,
We have strong hearts,
Wish we had known it from the start.
This may make no sence to some people, but mum will understand every word. I've also wrote a family bucket list which I will give to shaun on Christmas day. Evey time we do 1 off the activities on it, we will date it. I've put things on like building a sandcastle, dancing in the rain and flying a kite.
I must dash now as I've got friends round and I'm being super ignorant sat blogging. So now I've got to sit and pretend I like them just kidding. Also my friends pregnant and I want to ask her if she's doing her pelvic floor and if she's wet herself yet!
No comments:
Post a Comment