Lottie hasn't spent much time with other baby's and was pretty exited. When she is exited she likes to do a really loud scream and jiggle around. Well she did the loud scream in baby harry's face and he wasn't happy. I've planned another mum date for next week. Who knows I might even have a day next week when I don't stick to my timetable. How edgy.
I'm also one of the unlucky people who's phone is getting no signal. Its so strange I had to follow directions and not use a satnav. And guess what I made it! Its not so bad without a phone. Just as long as I can still take a selfie all is well. When I got home and got wifi, I hadn't missed much only the fact id won almost £200 worth of beauty products. Thanks to marie Claire.
More good news, the car is fixed. Tomorrow I'm freeeeeeee. Unless we have a ton of snow or someone robs the car. Which is just my look.
Oh and don't tell shaun but I've ate his advent calendar again this morning, and rolled the wrapper up. put it back in the tray and closed the door. So if he says anything I will tell him to complain to the reece's pieces people. And if the people of reeces ever read this take the hit. I was emotional.
In my past blogs I've been telling you how things went down hill for me. I was at the point when my thoughts got worse and worse. Night times was the worse. I've woke up thinking a man was coming to get lottie and just sat shaking thinking he was on his way. Absolutely terrified. I've woke with my mind saying over and over to kill myself. And been to scared to move or wake shaun up to help me. Not that he can do much but his kind words take me to a better place. He's so calm and understanding. And nothing I say shocks him. And if it does it doesn't make me feel like it does, somehow he knows that would make me feel even more crazy. Once I was diagnosed with post natal depression. I would be a lot more vocal about my thoughts. Which must have been horrible for shaun to hear. Id ask him to let me die and I even suggested we all die together. I've cried and begged for him to let me go. And during these times although it must have hurt him so much to hear these things. He just focused on making me feel better.
I 100% didn't think I had post natal depression. Id say I need help but I had no idea what for. How it came to a head, to me was one of the worst times in my life. For 4 days constantly I was having intrusive thoughts. I felt sick I was shaking. I just couldn't run anymore. Day to day tasks would just end up me wanting to harm myself. I was petrified of myself. I was going to harm myself, and I've said so many times if this was a person I was scared of I could run away. But I cant its all inside of me and I have no way to escape.
But I was still trying to run. But this day I failed. One morning I was supposed to meet my mum. But I was running late to pick her up. The fact I was late was stressing me out. I didn't let myself off, I had a newborn to get ready. But no to me I was just failing.
Because I was late mum decided to change the plans. So I went on one. Shouting at nothing really and hung up. After hanging up I just stood their shaking thinking what can I do? I need to get out? I cant stay in the house it means thinking, what shell I do instead? Think think quick.
I decided to go into town shopping. I didn't need anything I just needed a distraction. So off I went. I put the music on pretended I was fine. I smiled to myself painfully. All's fine now we are out?
Driving up to a bridge BOOM I have a thought. I look in my rear view mirror for a glimpse of lottie to make me feel better. But her view is blocked by a toy. So whilst on the bridge I turn the wheel in the direction of the edge, seeing my life flash before my eyes the blood, the crash, the sound, the end.
Last minute I pull the wheel back onto the road. And just drive on for a while as if nothing happened. Then I realise, that wasn't ok. And its at that moment I know I'm broken.
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