Changes

Hey!!! An update. A few month ago me and Shauney boy had a chat, we both had been thinking how content we was with life. How things had finally fallen into place and we had little stress. My mental health has been fine, its taken until lottie is almost 4 and its been months since i had suicidal thoughts, or any other signs of PND. Honestly you do get over it, its taken longer than i ever imagined but as promised i am better. So what have i gone and done at a time when all is running smooth? Quit my job, put a deposit down on a car, grown a lump under my arm thats leading to an urgent mamogram and decided to come off me sertraline. Am i fucking crazy? Here's whats led me to rock the boat. Ill start with the sertraline. At the height of PND my dose went up to 200mg SLOWLY over the past year or so i have reduced the dose by 25mg/50mg a time. Now im down to just 25mg. The reductions have had little effect on me but this final 25mg is hard to kick. Day 1 missing a dose is fine, day 2-3 is blegh. Side effects will begin to kick in, the main one being dizzyness. To move my head it feels like ive been been playing dizzydolls, the room spins and i feel light headed. I've never gone 2-3 days without that 25mg as i feel to shitty without it. But now im jobless for a few week im going to try and kick it. The advice being take 1 every 2 days. The plan is to do that for 1 week then stop alltogether. Moving onto the job. I have worked in pharmacy 17 years! I have worked in 3 branches and also on relief visiting stores across Notts & Derby, i have worked with lovely people and absolute dragons, i loved it and hated it at times, but recently i have really hated it. Ive lost sleep over it, cried and needed to get out of what for me had become at toxic environment. So it was time to put together a CV and job hunt. I decided to put my beauty qualification to good use. With 0 experiance and something i trained in 15 years ago. I started small right? wrong. My aim was to work in the most amazing spa i could find. Even after someone said why dont you set your sights lower i was gagged why not aim for the stars? How did i get to 32 not have a CV and never had a job interview. I was winging it, and applied for every spa job in the area. Immedietly i was offered an interview, and the 1st one i had, i was offered a job! Me being me i turned it down. I wasnt settling, and knew i could do better (big head). Turns out my decission was correct, as i have gone on to bag a job at the best of the best spa. Eden Hall baby! Google it you will die! Sometimes in pharmacy ive felt a little misunderstood, some people dont get my personality. And i often work with older people. Who are into diffrent things to me. Dont have children or laugh at my penis jokes. My new job i will be working with people around my age, hopefully it will allow me to embrace my ru-paul obsession, make new friends and never have to listen to Magic fm abain!!! I finished my job 2 days ago, start my new job in 2 week and will be without pay for 5 week. So what have i done at a time when im skint? Put a deposit on a new car! Since the disasters with my last car, i have been without for around 2 years. But to be able to work at my new job a car is needed. So its forced the decision. Time to be a big girl and im hoping its the final step in moving on from the past. I hope to pick my car up later today. Now the mamagram. Last week my armpits was killing. Hairy as it was to painful to shave, covered in lumps (it looks like a hairy cauliflower to set the scene) And i had dead arm. Monday i seen the Gp i thougnt they was something minor maybe a few ingrowing hairs. Nope i have an urgent referel for a mamagram. So now i feel really uneasy and regret every dicisions above. Ive been in control of every choice ive made recently, but this has left me feeling unsure of myself and worrying ive rocked the boat to much. Ive been headstrong, ive made changes but now im in doubt. Say the worst happened the lumps the C words, i cant work, i dont get sickpay and i have a new car to pay for. Will the depression come back? What ever the future holds, i will do my best to update my blog! Wish me luck (shit me im scared)

Sertraline Queen

I'm baaaaack! Its been almost 7 month, and I still remember my password!

I hope you are all as well as can be during locky d 3 (lockdown number 3). Its a difficult 1-2 and 3! For me lockdown 1 was scary. lockdown 2 was just a joke that was taken about as serious as bosis johnsons hairline and lockdown 3 is do or die and feel like we will just live like this forever!

I don't want to chat about the c word anyway, the only good to come from it is the fact people no longer talk about brexit (anyone no if we will still be ok to get Belgium buns?).

Another benefit is I no longer get FOMO on a Saturday night because my news feed is full of people living their best life, while I'm sat on the sofa in my ill fitting pjs trying to figure out how to loose 2 stone without A) dieting B) exercise or C) willpower . Its ok for now as lockyd has made flab trendy.

Jokes aside I do feel bad for Lottie and all the other children living in this crazy world. This is just normal life to them, they don't no any different. If I forget my mask lottie will remind me and she keeps a mask in her ride on car for when she drives to the shop. She is such a little super star, and doesn't understand why she can not go swimming or have her friends round to play. Part of me is glad we cant see people though as the things she comes out with these days. She hun'd my mum last week and has started calling people babe, wtf how can a 2 year old have so much sass.

Anyway the reason I am blogging again is because I have had a recent change in my medication I though it may be a good idea/useful to give an insight into life on medication for postnatal depression, from the very start to what I hope is the end.

In what order and at what point I was given this medication I am unsure as I was very ill and it was ages ago. I was treated with Diazepam and Sertraline, this was either prescribed in a&e where I was taken after what I can only describe as a breakdown or once I had began treatment under a mental health team. The Diazepam was given for short term use, to be taken when the urge to harm myself was intense. I would take one and they would calm me down enough to have a sleep and wake up feeling a little better. I was also given a 24 hour helpline number which I could call also, and I did use it. It proved to be just as helpful as the Diazepam. I did only ring once or twice, the 1st I remember really well. I was in the bath (what's new) rambling to shaun about what was going of in my mind, and he just admitted it was all a little to much for him and suggested I use the helpline.

And so for the 1st time in a long time I was left alone and for the 1st half of the call I don't think I spoke. The man on the end of the line didn't make me feel awkward he just chatted away like it was an everyday thing, and to him it was. And eventually I spoke, by the end of the call the bath was bloody freezing, but I felt better, I felt I had made a friend someone who understood and I didn't feel like the burden I thought I would. Just knowing I could call back anytime provided me and shaun with another form of support night and day.

The piece of paper that has the number on I now use as a bookmark to remind myself how far I have come. For a long time it was a painful reminder, as was looking back at pictures of that time but now I think I have accepted it and like to remind myself I won, I'm winning and I'm proud.

I also don't mind talking about my depression now. I don't feel the shame, guilt or blame that I used to. If people want to judge or think it is just an over exaggeration of what all mums feel then let them, and if they don't want to take time to learn about something that could happen to a daughter, son, sister of friend then more fool them. Yes its scary but so is cancer and we all no what to look out for with that.

Talking face to face with friends and family was difficult at first, and yes I did blog about it for the world to read but that's very different to a conversation in person. I do think blogging left me with no option but to talk, as I was posting my blog on my social media, people I knew was reading it I was naïve to think it would never be brought up in conversation. And it was a blow the first time it was, it was confirmation people knew my secrets, the good the bad and the piles.

Eventually it wasn't so bad and now I am more than happy to chat away , its good for people to share and understand parts of peoples life. We learn from each other. I have an urge, a fire in my belly to bring awareness to this illness, help with recovery and luckily it may become a reality, I don't want to say to much about what is a very small part of a big dream but it may become a reality very soon!!

One thing I wish people wouldn't say is "it isn't as bad as yours" my reply is the same every time, firstly we shouldn't compare, secondly your worse is yours and mine is mine, it doesn't matter how we got there is the same right? I cant really explain it but I hope you understand.

Back to medication. I was given Sertraline for long term use, these come in 50 and 100mg tablets. My dose reached 150-200mg I am unsure if this was a gradual increase or a starting dose. But I was super sceptical and nervous about taking them. Like a scene from EastEnders I stood staring at the tablet for agers before I took my 1st (how dramatic).

I was warned about the side effects, they came, the feeling sick the sleepiness but as promised they went. I was also aware of the rumours about the medication, the fact they make you feel emotionless and some say dead inside, but this didn't worry me as I felt that anyway x10.

Now I didn't wake up one morning full of beans singing kumbaya but I did start to feel better GRADUALLY. By the time I was discharged from care I was down to 100mg. I tried dropping to 50mg but it was to soon and I took a few steps backwards, so I settled at 100mg and was discharged.

This dose has worked just fine for the 2 years or so I have been taking it. Until recently. It started with disturbed sleep, nightmares, feeling irritated more than normal, mainly at shaun snoring, farting, moving or just breathing. He is a babe but my lord he breaths so loud!!

I was waking in the night sweating, anxious sleeping on the sofa and gradually it was starting to make its way into my day to day life. Excepting it was depression was not going to be done. I wasn't having intrusive thoughts, but the other shitty symptoms was becoming an issue. At a time when some may have though to increase the sertraline I decided to decrease it. I came to the conclusion maybe the medication was having an adverse effect, could it possibly be my body telling me I didn't need such a high dose any more? So I dropped 50mg and so far all the above has stopped. I no longer smell like BO (I hope) I no longer want to stab my husband (is it ok to say that?) and I am no longer sleeping on the sofa.

Now readers don't go binning your medication, please note I did chat to a doctor about this, who agreed this was a safe decision. I said earlier that Sertraline has been said to stop you feeling emotions. At the time when I needed them I didn't notice a change, but now I am decreasing the dose I do think recently they have made me feel a little that way. I think this is because I no longer needed such a high dose and now I am just taking 50mg I am laughing a little more and feeling a little more sensitive. I am happy to stay at this dose for as long as it takes but I do now see the light and that maybe one day I'll be sertraline free.

I don't think I will be drama free though, rocking my life right now is a bought of pneumonia. Which is just the worse. I tell you what was coming of my chest tasted like pure death. And would you believe I have had to have not 1 not 2 but 3 covid tests in just 1 week to prove its not covid. Now what's the point in the tests if the results are going to be disregarded?

I was also in hospital over night and if you have had pneumonia you will no you flat out can not breath at times, yet I was having to sleep in my own room so isolated, wearing a blue facemask I mean come on how is a girl supposed to sleep like that?

So when I was asked to have a 4th test it was a a big fat no thanks pam love i've had 3 and a vaccination I think we are safe!

I'm off work and going out my mind, ordering random shit I don't need, random purchase this weekend = a printer/scanner. Wooop its gunna rock my world!

So bye for now I have some scanning and printing prep to get on with x

Having 5!

 Hey strangers! Just had a moment of realisation which has pushed me to finally update my blog! 

I was just laid in the bath (like just, I still have a wet back but I just couldn’t wait to log on and blog this). Lots of you will relate to this, while laid in the bath, I could hear the bubbles popping, the rain outside and the strange creaking noises in the house (what are they by the way?). My Phone was on the floor, Shaun and Lottie are out and I just thought arghhh nothingness. No worrying Lottie is going to wee in the fish tank, or shauns going to need his 10th meal of the day just nothing and it was so good! 

Then I remembered this was my biggest fear just a short while ago, and sadly still is for so many. A fear to be alone, when I was ill with post natal depression I didn’t even go to the toilet alone, why? I was scared of myself, I was scared of the things i could Harm myself with when alone.  I was told this would get better, did I believe it? Never. But without realising it has. 

I say without realising, I did notice when shaun used to wait till I’d got in the bath and then find an excuse to leave me alone, each time leaving me a little longer And each time I’d lay listening for the floorboards creaking telling me he’s on his way back and I can unclench my fists and breath again.  

To get to the stage I am now, it wasn’t like oh I’m fine i can take a piss alone let’s move on, I don’t remember a day when things changed but it has and to those suffering it will. Me & my nurse came up something that worked for  me when I got a “bad thought” I’d imagine taking hold of it with my hand and blowing it away (like a kiss). Another way of doing this is draw a cloud round it and imagine it floating away. So this is what I’d do when shaun would “pop downstairs”!

He would leave me n my depression would start, I’d have all these thoughts of self doubt and I’d fight to push them away working myself up, my hands shaking and my stomach in knots.

 What I needed to do was acknowledge these thoughts as awful as they are, let them come let And them go. And gradually thoughts have stopped  or lessen. I have no idea about other people’s journeys or recovery but hopefully just 1 person try’s this and it helps. 

Anyway!!! In my last blog I had a lil interview to get my foot in the door on Hopewood mother & baby unit. The good news is they think I’d be able to help out on the ward and if it wasn’t for COVID I’d probably be doing so already. 

The interview was great, why was I so nervous to sit and talk about myself? I even got the interview lady to make me a brew, I spoke about my little blog and spoke  about my readers, yes we r worldwide baby! And ive had 1500 hits! Half of them are me and my mum! 

I walked away feeling a million dollars, and shit scared coz I’d parked my car in the most awkward place and knew I’d need to do a million point turn to get out the car park! And if getting out was anything like getting in then hella no! As I’d drove the wrong way down a 1 way. But I made it out alive and 20 minutes later I got the news I can progress with Hopewood! 

I’m still making my bows and loving it, I’ve Also made some new friends and wasn’t even a nervous twitchy mess when I met them, I was fine, just like my old self it helped that Lottie pissed all over me and fell in the paddling pool, nothing like warm wee to break the ice. 

I’m the worst with new friendships, I’m now at the awkward stage where I’m on a new friendship High but don’t wanna be a kean bean, like do I ask if they wanna do something or do I play it cool? I legit have like 1 friend and this is why. I get over exited n start planning moving in next door n shit. 

I also mentioned in my last blog about the passing of my Nan. I’m not going to lie during covid I found the loss easier to deal with, this may sound harsh but I prefer that she wasn’t around during the lockdown. My Nan was a social butterfly, she wasn’t the best at entertaining herself, she tried bless her but never found a hobby, her jigsaw never even got opened and the adult colouring book I brought her she have to the grandkids! 

After her first cup of Yorkshire and a read of the paper she was sat dressed waiting for her first visitor! And as 1 of those visitors there is no way I could have left her, or waved at the end of the drive, I feel for those who had to do this. 

 Its now life is returning to normal, it’s all becoming real. I see people re-uniting and ache for this myself. Is it crazy I called her phone last night? Course i new she would never answer. I see her in all beautiful things on this earth? Each day I search for something just to help lessen the hurt. 

I have find reminding myself what a good life she had and how she lived to be to be so old, glam, well and loved Until the very end helps.

I am going to sign off now as shaun n Lottie are home and it’s only a matter of time till I get found in this comfy spot on the bed. 

P.s shaun just shouted upstairs Lottie has done a dump in her leggings (we r potty training), and I can hear him grumbling and grunting, honest my child poops like a rhino.

Best get to work with the vanish, choe Bella x  

A pig in....shit i have an interview

How have I ended up blogging? I'm supposed to be looking into smart answers I can give tomorrow at an interview, which I have tomorrow. An interview so that I can start helping on the Hopewood mother and baby unit, helping ladies who suffered like I did, or maybe ladies that are suffering in a total different way to how I did, with different symptoms ect. But still suffering and walk around feeling like they have a stamp on their head " POST NATAL DEPRESSION".
I understand that feeling, and am lucky enough to have this opportunity to do my bit in this world that I discovered just over a year ago, but feel like it has been part of me my whole life. I am forever learning about this illness, and feel like I understand so much, yet tomorrow I feel like I have nothing to say. I cant put into actual words how I feel. How I want to help others, mother family's, friends everybody. Help mend broken hearts and broken minds, show their is a light after the shitty darkness.
I'm sat with my little notebook, googling interview questions, my book is blank and the only thing I can think to do right now is blog. The only thing I can think to do it use my blog to help. So here are a few questions I may get tomorrow, and Ill tell you (nobody...... my 1 reader? HI MUM) what ever comes to mind.
Tell me about your self? (easy I love talking about myself) I'm a mum, I'm 30 but feel about 25 and look about 12 blah blah blah.
What do I no about the organisation? I cant answer this with all facts and figures. Like a professional would. And I don't want to try and guess all the clever stuff. I just know its wonderful, and it saved my life.
Why do you want to work for us? I want to give back, I have a passion to show other women its ok, as much as it seems like this is life now, its not. I understand how much an ill lady disbelieves this, I understand the urge they have to scream "you don't understand" in the face of who ever tells them it will be ok.
What can you bring to the company?  Trust. No disrespect to doctors and medical staff who do an amazing job. Nobody will trust a mum like another mum. Your baby doesn't sleep at night? neither does mine, phew she gets it. Your gagging for a cuppa, so am I, instant connection. These 2 tiny conversations  happen a thousand times a day. Us mum get each other,
I feel the same can be said regarding post natal depression, to talk to a mum "who gets it", lightens the burden and makes us feel less alone, weather its baby shit or needing to take our head for a shit, sharing is caring, and I know in my situation I was more likely to listen to another mother who has recovered, than a doctor who read about it.
What are your weaknesses? Hunny look at me, I'm basically a goddess, I aint got non! Errrrrrmmm
Sometimes I may be a few minutes late because my child can wake up and the mornings just don't work! I also may present myself with frizzy hair, and a mono brow because id rather have an early night that take care of my appearance.
Another day ill slay like beyonce, ill be walking on air, lippy on feeling like I can take on the world, because my morning worked. So lets say my weakness is sometimes letting my beautiful child dictate which version of myself I will be.
Strengths? I can carry 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, car keys, phone, purse, a teddy, dummy and child all at the same time?!
My strengths are, trying to find good in all situations, my poker face and my ability to adapt to different situations. although sometimes ill let slip my true council estate self, when I'm trying to be all prim and proper.
Challenges I may face? Seriously ill ladies. Which right now, honestly I have no idea how I would deal with the situation. But In the future with training this will come. I am so driven to give my all to this. I'm aware this will be emotional, but I feel I know my limits. I am a fast learner, compassionate and tactile making me good in such situations. (PHAHAH how posh do I sound? tactile daaarling tactile)
Achievement I am proud of? I don't wanna be a barry big head but can I say more than 1? Saving a life, creating such a wonderful life for lottie and the journey I have been on since having her, I have beat depression, and given people belief that I can help others, with my ability to be honest, brave and willing.
Oh I hope they ask this one, what animal would I be? A pig, because you get to roll around in your own shit all day, with your stinking shitty friends that don't judge you. Being fats a good thing, other than the slaughter house you don't have that much to worry about. Any your pink, not very hairy and deep down everyone likes you?
Wow that's really helped yano! Like really really!
For those who read my last blog, a year on, you would have read that I lost my nana almost 2 month ago. Well today she would have been 88. OH yes 2 fat ladies, I think she got sick of me saying that joke, but id say anything to try and motivate her to stay around and meet the 2 fat ladies, But it wasn't to be.
Being at work today has been crap, its just so strange how the world continues while your hearts breaking. People moan about the loo roll epidemic and I just think how about you get that loo roll n cram it in your mouth coz its full of shit! Yet I stand and smile sweetly.
Anyway wish me luck for tomorrow, and ill update you when I get a second, maybe in a week, a year maybe 2, who knows.

1 year on!

I've decided to dust of the laptop and give the blog world an update. Its been so long I had actually forgot my password, I haven't been logging on, assuming you had all just forgot about me, but shock my old posts are still getting views!
I have no idea how to start this blog, I intend to do a few, its been a long year guys i have so much to say. I also feel blogging again may help me find my way, as it did before, but this time for a different reason.
Before I get onto the deep and meaningful cry your eyes out stuff let me start with on update on lottie seen as there wouldn't even be a blog if it wasn't for my little pea!
I'm not going to lie she is an absolute dream, she goes to bed at 8 wakes up 12 hours later, eats all her dinner and when I do the I'm going to count to 3 and then...........probably do nothing I only get to 1 and she behaves. She's so good I actually feel sorry for her. That's a thing right?
But a dream its not always been, ohhhhhhh no! Id like to say the stress of it made me loose weight but unfortunately not, the only thing I lost was my side of the bed. Because that's where lottie took up residency for a while, leaving me sandwiched between shaun and lottie.
I say sandwiched, I was more stuck, like physically stuck to them 1 on the front 1 on the back because they both sweat so much while they sleep. Every time I moved, lottie cried and every time lottie cried, shaun farted.
But I carried on night after night, sleeping(ish) when lottie wanted to sleep, waking when she wanted to wake. She was running the show and I was her puppet. She was hitting out, throwing stuff and I just thought one day things would calm down. I didn't think she needed a telling off or a naughty step, these things work themselves out? Surely she wont want to strangle me for the rest of her life, its got to stop at some point? i tell you now it gets worse.
Once I realised that I knew it was time to make lottie realise she may be the princess but i'm the queen so what i say goes! I decided it was set in stone no matter what lottie was going in her own bed, even if I never sleep again. That first night what the hell, I'm sure she was possessed and I think I got no sleep, each night I got more and more sleep which leads me to now. I have a princess who will take herself to bed no fuss. I have my side of the bed back. I miss the cuddles like crazy, I wake up missing her but i know its for her benefit.
Can you believe she is almost 2 now. She has her own personality, she loves to dance and has just started dance classes, she is such a chatterbox as well. She is my shadow and brings joy to my life. The future hopefully involves me doing more regarding postnatal depression, in the last year i have still been involved with hopewood perinatal unit as well as my normal job. My next blog i will chat more about this. I have a list of topics i want to blog about over the next few month here's a few,
My new hobby which i think is driving everyone mad (but who gives a shit it makes me happy),
Our first family holiday which was just typical us everything went wrong!
Turning 30 and my family & friends not giving a shit! (wink wink)
My nana being ill and sadly loosing her which is one of the reasons i want to blog again. This happened just over a week ago and already i miss her like crazy, i feel lost, my days are empty not being able to pop for a coffee in my Christmas mug.
I hope you have enjoyed catching up. So many people have asked for an update, and i hope not to disappoint. I hope my next few blogs make you smile.
Again this blog comes at a time in my life when all is not perfect, i am hurting but for a different reason. I am grieving, but unlike before a lot more people understand. Sadly most of us have lost a loved one, with only 1 good thing coming from that. Compassion, we are all able to comprehend and understand what another is feeling without that person uttering a single word.

Comparenting

Missed me? Well if you have, haven't, or couldn't give a shit, I've missed you. And I've just had to scratch my blogging itch and log on to tell you about something that's been bugging me recently.  COMPARENTING! Basically its just me and shaun or who ever you share your parent job with comparing day to day tasks. The conversation usually starts with something along the lines of "will you change her poo this time?"
the response will be something like, "I did it last time"
"yeah and I did it the time before, woopiedoo"
"well the one I did smelt worse"
then it can totally change direction and go some place random and you start recalling the Christmas you cooked diner for 5, served a cheese board AND washed the pots.
Conversations like this are happening daily now and I have even started storing things up ready for a comparing sesh, I'm counting how many cups I wash or who puts the most shopping away after our weekly Saturday shop. Someone tell me this is a thing, even if you don't have children, I'm sure we did it pre lottie, just not as much, and not about human poo.
Fingers crossed we don't have a comparenting battle tonight as I have done eff all. But it was hard work! Little miss lottie I have no idea what is wrong with her its feels like she's 3 month old again, I'm back to the days when I can not get anything done, eat, drink or anything. She just constantly wants mama, and what ever mama has. Leaving me not being able to eat without her crying, poo without her staring at me or text my 1 friend to complain about being strapped to the sofa.
I do love how she wants cuddles all the time but its harder work now she's a big girl, shes heavy and wants to climb all over me and only me. Leaving me with a bruised tummy. You may read this and think, well don't pick her up. Trust me I try but I cant leave her to cry, it hurts my heart. Shauns tried to help but sometimes she wont even go to him. And I feel guilty for moaning when he says its not that bad, but I look over at him chilling solo giggling at Britain's got talent, while I sit with lottie chewing on my hearing aid at 10pm clearly absolutely shattered but having to much fun using mummy as a bouncy castle and slavering all over my new pyjamas.
Pyjamas that I thought was going to change my life. Oh a life without my pyjamas cutting into my sides, heaven. Its not heaven after all, they are 2 long and I keep tripping up. So I either risk loosing circulation in my legs in my old ones or a black eye in my new ones, either way I'm still not getting dressed before 12.
I did actually get dressed today, but I cant remember doing so as I had a toddler climbing me like a tree, it was hectic and it wasn't until I got to baby group I actually sat down and realised id not washed my face. And what really got my goat is  while I was at baby group someone decided to offer me parenting advice. Which I appreciate, but the timing was off. Most of the other babies are sat on the floor playing and all lottie wants to do is chill and sqirm on my knee.
When the toys came out she wanted 1 but didn't want to leave me to get one. So I took her over to the toys and left her. She just cried and crawled after me. When I sat back down, lets call her nanny Brenda who had obviously been watching me and lottie, pipes up and says "oh it will pass, my daughter in law with her 1st child blah blah blah" That little angry voice in my head was bursting to just say well why don't we call your daughter in law and get her to come over and ill hand her a parent of the year award. And while she's on her way she can pick me up a frapachino because I NEED a drink. And if I'm naughty while your daughter in law is here can she please put me on the naughty step because I need 5! But thanks for trying Brenda but at that moment......just no.
Pre lotties 1st birthday, or even last week I was so smug. Things have been running so smooth, but now its like I have a different baby. Don't get me wrong she's perfect but when she's having tantrums I start over thinking, is it me? does she hate me? dose she think I hate her so its making her hate me?  She has discovered anger, she screams she throws, she pouts her lips out and snorts like a little pig, it was funny at first but now its getting on my uneven tits a bit!
During my google search to find others in the same unfit mother state, I found an interesting fact. The brains of toddlers are a lot more advanced than the body, leading to frustration. For example they want to talk and understand words, but can put words together to have a  conversation them selves, they want to stack blocks but don't have the skills yet to do so, their mind gets it but their hands don't, meaning they hate life at that moment.
I am trying to remember this when she is chucking herself around, but its hard when she's chucking building blocks in my face. I am back at work tomorrow after a few days off, giving my back a break from carrying ten ton tess round all day. As much as I moan I will miss her so much.
I must dash, shaun has just got back from taking lottie on a road trip for an hour to give me a break. I think he could see I needed it when he got in and I was crying because id been trying to wash the pots since 10am and had still not washed my face.
Being a  mum is the most amazing job in the world, and its so special now I'm starting to see a little of her sassy personality. But when nap times are up in the air, and little one has decided to piss all over your perfect routine and decides to go to sleep on a park tyre swing thing like a homeless person (yes that happened today), you need to take 5 have a cuppa and wash your armpits (yes pushing her while she slept on a tyre all morning was sweaty work)
.

Thanks for reading my lovely's and please tell me this comparenting, sweaty betty, clingy baby life isn't just me.

Relationship blues

I just can keep away! I said I wouldn't post again until Christmas but the blogging itch has returned and I really want to tell you something I didn't mention in my last blog, and that's my roller-coaster of a marriage. Its hard to admit when things are less than perfect. But now I feel ready to open up to you guys a little more, and hopefully some of you will relate, and stop me posting the divorce papers, just kidding its not THAT bad but its not been THAT good either.
I don't no if its been tough due to the postnatal depression or just having a baby in general puts the brakes on your happy relationship bubble. My guess is its a combination of both. And the fact I was expecting at least a year of a post marriage high. I was dreaming of lazy morning cuddling in bed ignoring the fact we both have vile morning breath, romantic weekends away, candle lit bath, and lots of hanky panky not just your "ok go on then but be quick" hanky panky I'm talking call me wifey, take your time hanky panky.
But it wasn't to be. We started trying for a baby on our wedding night (yes we was one of the lucky couples that could be arsed after their big day), thinking it will take a while for the mud to stick but oh no we only went and conceived the very first time. We got back from our honeymoon and shortly after found out we was having a baby. We are super blessed it happened so fast for us as I am aware of the struggle some people face. But hold on a minute I'm 6 month into marriage, I've gained over a stone in weight, sex is like a swear word to me, matching underwear? fuck THAT pass me those size 16 panties and a sports bra and my new husband smells like bacon and I cant stand to be near him. The only benefit of my changing body being my titties, for once i actually had pair. But touch them and your dead!
I always pictured being pregnant would do wonders for a relationship. I wanted shaun to be falling asleep with his hand on my bump and to feel that connection with my partner as we now share a little life. But the only think i felt was constant trap wind. I could tell shaun couldn't wait to be a daddy and i always new he would do a fantastic job. But whilst i was pregnant i expected him to be glued to my hip and the fact he wasn't repeatedly asking if baby was kicking drove me mad. Being extra hormonal id cry and cry insisting he wasn't bothered. And it broke my heart why didn't he sing to her like i did? why wasn't he looking out for her every movement?
Since chatting to others and reflecting on this i understand shauns situation a little more. To us mums we feel this huge kick just for dad to say they didn't feel it. We see them roll and turn and dad always looks over that second to late missing the action. It must be harder for them to make that connection.
The times he did have a hand on my tummy when she moved was super magical.
I look back at our relationship and as i progressed in pregnancy and when lottie has been getting older our relationship just became less and less important to us. I mean do you even interact at all when you first have your baby? I don't remember 1 conversation we had just about normal stuff. It was all, do you think she's warm enough or have you changed her nappy today? If i could go back i would try my best to have been more us, if that's possible with a new born. We wasn't shaun and chelsey we was mummy and daddy. The people we was drifting further into the background.
What did we have to talk about, its not like i had anything interesting to tell him for the first few month unless he wants an update on Jeremy kyle or how it took lottie 13 minutes instead of 15 to drink her bottle. We needed to get out more but leaving your new bundle of joy its not an option. I remember one time we went on a date night to the cinema. We was both on edge checking our phone and raced home without a word.
Then i was labelled as depressed and was under the hospital going back and forward several tims  a week and that became our new topic of conversation, that's if i spoke at all. The dynamic of our relationship totally changed i was no longer a bossy boots, i was venerable unable to make decisions and needed looking after.
Shaun had to sort my medication as i could be trusted with it alone, he had to drive me to and from the hospital as i couldn't drive, cook, clean and he had to be with me 24/7 as i couldn't be left alone. The people we was and the relationship we had  being pushed back even further. This situation made my heart ache. I felt shaun was loosing respect for me and i was starting to irritate him. Like the time i cut my feet open, meaning i could no longer walk.
Sometimes i would have good days and try to re light our spark see, https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-glam-squad.html?m=1but it all just felt a little bit forced. I honestly thought the old us was gone. I was going to bed early as i couldn't face the silence, we no longer sat together, hugged or spoke about us. We get told about the baby blues but nobody warns us about what I'm now calling the relationship blues. We entered parenthood care free and more in love than ever. Overnight we became cash strapped people with a huge responsibility and no time for each other.
The good news is tonight a year on from becoming parents we both said this past few days, celebrating lotties birthday has really brought us back together. Things seem calm, natural, even managing our first candle lit bath since we became married almost 2 years ago. Not quite how i imagined as i was sat on a bath toy and lottie had to jump in with us but it was perfect. We haven't
argued about how we parent different, he has his way i have mine i think we have both realised its not
him and me its us and we work together.
I think its been a case of adjusting. We had an active social life before and couldn't spend 10 minutes together without having a cheeky snog, and it was like this for 8 years. We have had to find our new perfect, its took a whole year. Luckily we don't really argue and never raise our voices it just feels like we was paused for a while. Forgetting about each other a little. But never forgetting that we are sole mates. And unfortunately with every high comes a low and this was our low. We are chelsey and shaun again and we got their as soon as we stopped trying and forcing what we HAD. Because we will never have that again. We have found our new perfect which one that involves an extra little person. Which is exactly the same but totally different.
P.S The fact he uses the tea towel as a hand towel still drives me so mad i cant even explain. And today when i caught him doing it, i didn't say a word i just took the tea towel off him, walked on the back garden and chucked it over the 7ft fence. I will keep doing this until he stops or we have no tea towels left at all, unless we count the dirty ones in a pile next to a tree.

As promised

As promised I said I would update you all on how things are going in my crazy world, on lotties birthday. And todays the day. I have missed blogging SO much. Yano when you leave the house and your sure you've forgot something or you walk upstairs and have no idea why, that's how i've felt without my blog. Like somethings not right, the first few weeks being the worst. When anything happened that was happy, sad or I needed to vent I was just bursting to sit with my laptop, tap away at the keyboard and share it with you guys. Doing so made life make sense, sitting letting it all out telling my story emptied me of my demons. I never realised how difficult it would be when I wasn't able to do this anymore. Blogging makes me exited it gives my butterflies, because their is a chance my words may have an impact on someone's life, even if that means just putting a smile on their face it gives me a purpose.
Id like so say since I last spoke, I've lost a stone, got rid of the toe infection and resumed my pre lottie gym schedule but the truth is I've cancelled my gym membership, I still have mum tum and my toe is still killing me! The only thing that's changed really is the fact I get time to wax my chin every 2 week and i love being a mummy more and more each day.
Becoming a parent made me think id miss out on fun things like nights out with the girls or expensive holidays abroad. Never for a minute thinking it may be the other way round, I'm missing out by not being a mummy. Id never known true love, or looked at someone and seen my whole world in their eyes until i set eyes on lottie.
I did love her from day 1 i remember so well the love that i felt for her from the beginning but,  i don't remember her before she was 6 month old. I don't remember holding her, feeding her or how many times she woke in the night. I think i was far to ill to sit and cherish those moments. And it breaks my heart, My mind was elsewhere i was more focused on fighting to be alive. Even though i was walking round in a blur 1 thing was clear i had to live. I may not remember much but i remember looking at  lottie and she gave me the courage to keep going.  Her cry got me out of bed in the morning and her needs told me i was needed.
This time last year the surgans was working on getting lottie un-stuck after id been in labour for 3 days. And since then ive been trying to figure out everything that happened during my labour. But the past few days i have re lived every second. Its crystal clear. How strange is that ive answered all my own questions. Ive been a wake in the night bracing myself for the pain and the strange thing is lottie has woken with me each time. She's in a different room she's fast asleep yet we still feel each others hurt. That's why i had to get better.
Id love to say I'm 100% I wish I was and I though I was until about a month ago. I just took a huge step backwards I felt sick all the time, I couldn't feed lottie because I was shaking so much and to make matters worse I had to go to work. I couldn't get ready in a morning I was so confused nothing was making sense. I tried to deal with it for a few days until I did the sensible thing and saw the gp. It was a case of upping my medication and after a few days I had bounced back. PHEW.
Being a working mum is HARD! How do you mums make it look so easy? With your sleek hair and trouser suits. While I'm running down the street, car keys in my mouth, lottie on my back and the same pants on I wore to bed.
My boss did take me to 1 side and had a word with me about the fact I get to work a few minutes late. I actually burst out crying. That morning lottie had clung to me and didn't want to go to nursery and I was trying my best. I'm super organised i get everything ready the night before but even if i set off the day before i had to actually be at work i would probably still be late. Is this normal or am i doing working mum all wrong?
Maybe i will ask my new mum friends. I have true mum friends, to the outside world groups of mums look pretty boring (sorry but we do). With our ankle boots on, our bags or sensible stuff like hand gel and spf50 but now I'm part of the crew dam i've been missing out. We can stay up all night, we look like we are doing the walk of shame most mornings with our messy hair and blurry eyes and we piss ourselves on the daily.
I seem to meet new people all the time. I can find it odd when it comes to sharing mum stories. I feel like the world has read my blog and wonder if people i meet have done so. One question i do struggle with is the when will you have another baby question? As i wont. I understand lottie has no memory of me not being unwell thank the lord. But say she's older and i have another baby and get ill. I cant let her see her mummy and daddy hurting.
Despite all the horrible stuff that's happened its been an amazing year. I've learnt so much, real hurt, true happiness and how baby poo isn't baby poo its adult poo! its more than adult poo, she poops more than me. I've experience great kindness, shared my story with people the other side of the world oh and did i mention i saved a life!!!! https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-ambulence.html
I still can not believe people read my blog around the world. The odd time i have checked if anyone has been reading and wow yes you have. Its bizarre that i have so many more views in America than i do in the uk. You American's must be desperate for a distraction from trump and his wall. And the views have almost hit 12,000 step aside oprah. Thank you for living this with me and giving me my purpose when i needed one.
I did find a new little hobby while I've been away and its selling baby hair bows. I add my own touch with a few diamantes and bling them up with little ones names and glitter. I'm having fun and its paid for Lottie's next term of swimming lessons. So if you are reading this and have helped with my new venture thank you.
I plan on doing another blog at Christmas. This time i hope i have more to say. You look ahead and see your world changing, or am i just a dreamer. By Christmas i think i will have  got round to dusting the tv cabinet, helped mums suffering with post natal depression, wrote a book, started getting to work on time or even sacked my job off and my bows will feature in vouge.
Its 45 minutes until midnight. Its the perfect end to a perfect day. I have loved celebrating Lottie's first year of life, at times i have felt like it is my birthday. You should have seen me in build a bear, i was stuffing that thing like i was on drugs.
Things may not have always been perfect but she is.
Between now and then i hope my dreams come true and so does yours to.
Love the farnsworths x

Goodbye for now

How do i follow on from Shaun's amazing blog. I saw it with the same eyes as you did. I heard those words for the first time like all you readers. I woke up to it this morning. I had no idea how shaun felt, but him blogging has given me, you and maybe even him an insight on how it is for the other person.
I hope blogging has helped him let go a little, deep down I still think he is struggling to process what has happened. Sometimes I expect him to just be ok because I'm ok now. I just click my fingers and go I'm better now but he needs time to get over this also. For a while he lost me, lost us and now we need to concentrate on finding our normal.
We need to discover life as a family minus trips to the hospital and nights spent blogging (as much as I love it). We need to be chelsey, shaun and lottie. Not chelsey shaun, lottie with a hospital family, a blog family  and an illness. Its been wonderful meeting all these people and having such amazing support but for now all we need is each other.
Id love to say we will run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But as positive as I feel life just isn't that easy. We will face life hurdles as we all do but whats changed now is the fact we understand what ever happens as long as we have each other things will get better.
I don't see us having more babies. During my last appointment I was informed their is a 30% chance of me getting depression in future pregnancies, and I would probably be under the care of the hospital potentially before the little one was even born. So for now its a no from me. When I look to the future I don't crave another child, I just see my little family of 3 and that's fine with me.
Going forward I would love to do more work with the hospital, and that was also spoke about during my last appointment. But I've been told to forget about that for now and just concentrate on living my new hospital free life apparently I need a "clean brake" for a while. I have to leave them the hell alone until at least july. And then we can start looking at ways I can help out. I cant bloody wait.
My last appointment was awful. Firstly because amy (pony) and lisa lottie and me was sat in the smallest room and I hate shit like that, I feel like I cant breath. They couldn't stress enough how proud they was of me, telling me I had done all they asked of me and more. And I did, I never missed 1 single appointment. When they advised me to make changes to the way I was acting or thinking as much effort as I felt it was I did it. They may have had to nag but I took all the steps. Sometimes thinking what the hell that's never going to work, but it has.
Meditation.....worked, trusting myself to be alone......worked, blogging.......worked, making my Yorkshire pudding with lard instead of oil......didn't work! The list of things they had me doing especially my nurse lisa was endless.
As it got closer and closer to the end of my appointment my eyes started filling up more and more with tears. Then 1 fell from my eye and the rest followed. How can I get up and walk away? Walk away from my safe place? Where I can run to and be understood. How do I get up from the chair that hugs me each time I sit in it, walk out the door I have ran in when I needed to hide and leave the people who tell me it will be ok.
It was impossible to turn my back on them and walk away. So both lisa and amy left the room first leaving me in their alone with lottie and shaun ready to leave when I felt it was time. Watching them walk away was incredibly painful and I cry now just thinking about it.
I can never explain what these people mean to me and how they have changed our life. I hate to think what would have been without them, and my midwife who came to my rescue when i almost took my life. Who made the right decisions at the right time.
 All these wonderful people came into my world and have made such a difference, a&e, the crisis team, my heath visitor who got me feeling comfortable enough to massage lottie, social services who made me feel I was doing mum life right regardless of my illness, the receptionists at the hospital who acted like it was normal for me to try and hold a conversation whilst crying so much I couldn't talk. My nurse who got me out the house when I didn't even want to get out of bed.
Listed above are all people that I have met post depression. Now for the people who new the real me. The people who's opinion matter the most. my family and friends, thank you for putting up with me through this, believe it or not I hate the fact its been the chelsey show. ok I love it to be the chelsey show but not in this situation. So can we go back to talking about pointless crap that's going on in ALL our life, like mums new plumb wallpaper, dads pointless diet (give up your fatter than when you started) and facial hair.
Thank you shaun for doing your all to understand. Never walking away and making this hell a little easier to live in.
Thank you to my little lottie. I would face depression for the rest of my life for you. You are worth every tear I have cried and more. Your smile has been infectious and your cry has dragged me out of bed when nothing else would. You will never remember when I would sit holding you tight at 2am petrified we was in danger. I no now their was nothing to fear, just fear itself.
Its amazing something so perfect has come from something so unperfect. My worst fear being that you would come to harm. You was my reason to live when I didn't understand what I was fighting I would still fight. Because the most important thing to me was you needing your mum to protect you
 and that will never ever change.
And thank you. you. who ever you are reading this right now thank you for taking the time. Thank you to every single person who has reached out no matter how small the message I can assure you I have appreciated every single one.  I started this with just 2 readers and it has grown and grown. So shout out to my day 1s. If you read them all, thank you. If you read 1 or 2 thank you. If you understood, tried to understand or just hung around for the laughs thank you.
A lot of messages of support you send start with " you may have heard this a thousand time"  and yes I have but it never gets boring I get overwhelmed with the kind words, each one reminding me I'm not alone. We all have a fight they are all different, but what is the same is the FIGHT. Its shit it hurts but we all have the ability to do it. I said I in a previous blog, I feel I am moving forward with a lorry strapped to my back and that's exactly how I feel recovery has been. Slow and painful but worth it as I am a better person than I was before.
Can you believe I have only been blogging for 4 month?? It feels like I have been doing it my whole life, and it times its all I had in my life. A focus, battle on today and then I get to moan to the computer screen about how shit life is treating me, or I would have a really good positive moment and would be itching to get home to tell my internet stranger friends.
The ones who most of the time never spoke back but somehow I felt you was listening. Often blogging was the only time I felt safe to be alone. Shaun would walk in the room and I would ask him to leave, I needed this time to concentrate, so I could get my story across the best I could.
I have said lots of time how I could never be alone shaun had to be glued to me so I'm sure he enjoyed the time I would sit and type. And he trusted me, because I trusted myself when blogging because someone was always reading, so was I really alone? i didn't feel it I felt safe. You guys clicking and reading really helped.
I hardly read my posts back, today I attempted to do so.i got as far as
https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html and I just cant do it. The blogs wrote between the end of November and December are just to intense for me right now. I do plan to look back but maybe not all in 1 go. If you follow me on facebook or twitter I will post on their as I read them what I think about them. My twitter is @dummymummy6.
For this blog I have taken notes, highlighted them organised them and now I have not even used them. I am so much better at just writing what I feel in the here and now, that's what I have done from the start and its how I shell finish.
So I have reached the end. For now, I will return on or just after lotties 1st birthday which is 2nd may. I will look forward to chatting to my screen again soon and will jot things down along the way.
I hope between now and then we make lots of memories that i can share with you. I hope to remain
 in a good place. I wish my internet stranger friends luck and happiness.
Goodbye
This is so hard to press POST. How do I finish?
Well actually I need a poo so I need to dash.
Loveya

wheres the dummy daddy???

So I thought its about time Mr. Farnsworth had a go at this blog game. I think it would be good to get the other side of post natal depression across, the dark, the sad, but also the happy and how far chels has come (by the way Chels is what I call the wife), So were shall I begin? Lets start and chat abit about me and chels shall we. Chels is abit nuts! always has been and always will be. as you've read through the blogs I'm sure it didn't take you long to realise this. She has always been a ray of sunshine for not just me but everyone she knows and has ever come across. We have been together now for almost 10 years now and there is never a dull moment with the two of us. We have had some unreal memories together, so many so I could make my own blog about some of the things we have done and the amazing lives we have had together, This brings me onto our wedding day....

I finally popped the question after 5 years of us being together after years of her naggin! 2 years later we made it happen and it was the greatest day of our lives. It ended up with my shirt being ripped open, my tie on my head and a game of football through the hotel. Anyway one thing lead to another, I have no idea how because I couldn't even fucking see straight but 9 months later, we had our beautiful baby girl in our arms and this changed our lives forever. Little Lottie was the most amazing bundle of joy I had ever seen and she was ours, we felt so lucky! The labour was abit of a rough ride going on for nearly 3 days. As a bloke its hard being in these situations the best of times but this was even worse. You are literally sat there, talking all the lingo, acting like a part time midwife when in reality you haven't got a fucking clue! you are totally helpless and have to just try your best not to worry and fold, just having to put a brave face on for the other half to be laid there, while there talking absolute shit off there head on gas and air. Any lad going through this, or going to be going through it just think it will all be worth it in the end, trust me!

So you've had your little one and all is amazing for the 1st couple of weeks. Well us not doing things in the most normal way, we moved house, a week after lottie was born. probably not the greatest idea but we didn't really have a choice as we was living in a flat before. This put us all under a lot of stress and there was a lot of pressure for all to be sorted as soon as possible. Chels couldn't move or do much as she had a C-section as I'm sure you've all seen in past blogs. This added even more stress onto our recently grown family. Things started to settle a lil and we was getting closer to having our lives all back to normal, well so we thought. Being with Chels for so many years I know her better than anyone in this world, better than she knows herself. You could tell things just wasn't quite right with her. Her mood was 100 mph, she could never rest, you could rarely get a full conversation out of her. Ontop of this she was suppose to be resting and time and time again I would tell her "you need to slow down, you need to stop, things will catch up on you" I worried about her well being, more and more as the days went on. We even went out for a night out for our anniversary, we kept drinking and drinking but chels just could not get drunk. We didn't really think to much into it, later this would make sense to us. Then not long after this. chels would become emotional, upset, tears, feeling unworthy of anything in her life and struggling to accept that there was something going on. These moods become less and less spaced out and become more of a regular thing. Me being me I would never want to worry her, no matter how bad of a situation I just would calm her down and tell her not to panic, things would all be fine. I couldn't quite understand it all, we had a new home, a gawgus lil baba yet things just wasn't okay. I struggle to cope with her being upset. Inside it kills me but I know I have to put on a brave face to get her through this. Then, a string of 4 days, 4 days of constent emotion. This was overwhelming! chels would have relentless crying and thoughts of self harm, thoughts of self pity and lack of confidence. It felt like Chels became empty, Where was my chels? The chels we all loved, the chels I lived with and would make us laugh everyday, the chels I would come home to and she would do random shit like be playing on my fifa! I felt like id lost her and couldn't understand, neither of us could. Then, one day after these 4 rotten days I got in my car after work to come and received a phonecall......

"Hello is this shaun? we have your wife in a&e we need you to come and meet her here" Obviously I fear the worse, instantly think is it a car crash, has she been hurt, wheres lottie? So I rush to the hospital to find the pair of them, with 2 nurses and our midwife (her name was amy by the way and she was the most amazing midwife we could of wished for through chels pregnancy) turns out chels had had a breakdown, nearly taking her own life with lottie in the car to almost driving off the side of a bridge. lucky for my girls chels swerved last minute and took herself to a safe place, no injuries or crashes. She couldn't take this anymore and enough was enough. I was in shock! I didn't know what to think. Nothing felt real, it was all like a one big blur.  How could this all be happening? Why us, why have we been chosen for all this to of happened to. There was questions asked in the hospital, people monitoring the situation, chels under constant supervision. As all settled slightly it came to a decision I had to have some days off work to look after my girls and get through this thing that
 had took over her. luckily I had summer break just round the corner so I knew this woud help us all and had come at the right time. Then in the upcoming few weeks things were pretty rough, things all started to become real! The harsh reality of everything that had gone on after lottie had been born was starting to hit home. Things were at there worst. It was even to the point were I couldn't go to the toilet without chels having to come with me. I couldn't even leave the house. She could not trust herself in her own skin and alone with her own thoughts any longer. I probably don't tell her very often but this was the toughest time of my life. I felt like one wrong move could tip her over the edge and she would take her own life. Could you imagine your wife turning around to you and saying the words "lets all go together, I think its the best thing to do" on more than one occasion? It all blew my whole world apart. My heart felt like someone was kicking the fuck out of it every single time something would happen. All I could do was just be here for chels, try the best of my ability to make all of this okay. To make sure I had to do whatever it would take to make my chels better again, to make sure that my lil lottie would not be affected by this what so ever and to protect her form any bad. Get your game face on shauny lad, its time to step up!

As time goes on chels speaks to numerous people through phonecalls, has crisis teams on stanby if needed and is reffered to a specialised mental health clinic about 20 mins from where we live. It was then comfirmed she has what looks like post natal depression. How? I thought to myself. You hear about these kind of things and think there bad but never in your craziest thoughts would you think it was as bad as this. The thing that always stuck in my head though was PND would eventually go. This to me was a target that I repeatedly reminded myself of. Chels though at this point felt all this was becoming to much but I had to reassure her this was a step into the right direction and would benefit us as a family, without being her full self our lil world wouldn't work properly. After sessions of tough counciling going in depth about everything leading up to this point, to get to a breakdown, things slowly but surely began to look up. I know it might sound easy writing the recovery in a few short sentences but trust me this aint easy, not one fucking bit! it tore our world in bits. Turned it upside down and a lot of the time never saw a way through all this pain. It even got to a point that I couldn't handle what was going on and had to talk to someone on more than one occasion. Just because its not you, the partner that is going through all this directly don't be ashamed to admit you arnt okay. I wasn't but I used the help that was there because chels could tell I wasn't right! I should of spoke to the people at the hospital more. I think this would of made chels recovery a lot quicker and put her mind at ease. I'm a guy that never shows there emotion and never have. Seeing your
other half in all this pain you at times have know idea what to do. if you say something it could make them worse. If you tell them how you feel will it knock them back and will they blame there selves? its a tremendous amount of pressure to be put on us but we have to be there no matter what. no matter how hard it gets just stick through it and things will get back to normal. In our relationship before all this I think chels saw me cry 3/4 times. Since all this I have cried that in 8 months of the depression, I didn't even cry on our wedding day!

After all the recovery at the hospital and our regular visits we can finally say that chels has been discharged and is on the way up! She is back to her self and our lil world is back on track again. Over the past months we have built up amazing relationships with the girls at the hospital and it was a bitter sweet day as its been the last one officially being signed off from the hospital. we will miss all the girls there and the job they have done for us and will be forever greatful for what you have done for us. You have got our family back on track. By the way the buffet today was the best ive ever had! and to 'PONY' and the nurse (I don't know if you have a nickname sorry) you are diamonds, Their is so many people I want to thank you all know who you are I’d especially like to thank chelsey’s mum and dad for everything they have done for us we couldn’t have done it without you.

I just want to lastly say how proud I am of chels. She's a unreal character made of joy and I'm so so proud of you. One, for being an a amzing mummy and lottie will be so happy when shes older to maybe read this one day and see how brave you are to do it all for us. And two, for overcoming this illness and turning everything around to get back your sparkle, because no one or anything will ever take that away!

Signing off
Lots of love
Mr. Farnsworth

Poo timing, 2 more days to go

As  write my blogs now I get more and more nervous, as each one is closer to me last. Its 2 days until this comes to an end. So I sit here with a nervous tummy for the second time today. Yes it was coil fitting day. Don't get me wrong I have had a coil fitted before, but back then I didn't have tuppy terror.
If you need more info on tuppy terror or you have forgot check out my previous blog. https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2019/01/tuppy-terror.html Or if you cant be arsed to read it basically its a self diagnosed phobia. Caused by trauma regarding the virginal area. When you feel you can never have anybody go near it whilst you are laid on your back, legs spread, hanging of the end of a bed staring at a cardboard ceiling fitted with the brightest lights you can think of. Is it just my area or do all doctors and hospital have grey cardboard ceilings?
Anyway back on topic. The phobia had kicked in. And to make matters worse 5 minutes before my appointment and I suddenly need a number 2! What the fuck is wrong with me! What a dilemma to poo or not to poo? I decide not to poo, knowing I will regret it once I'm being told to "relax".
Why don't I just go on the pill? Well that's not really a good option for me right now, as hormonal changes have contributed to my depression so adding little white pills crammed full of these magical ingredients are not a good idea.
My therapist advised me to explain to the doctor about my fears but I just think its pointless. I feel the doctor would just be like "yeah whatever pants off  and on the bed" who isn't nervous at the end of the day. So I did as I was told bottoms off and on the bed. Anyone else hide their pants under their trousers when they remove them?
So I'm on the edge of the bed, shauns by my side trying to hold my hand. But I just glance at him with the don't fucking touch me eyes. And as if the room wasn't bright enough BAM a vagina headlight comes on. The things lit up like old Trafford!
Then the doctor starts telling me to relax and "soften my legs". At this point I want a word with the women. She's just trying to help but does she think I want to be squeezing my ass cheeks together like I'm trying to crack a nut between them? No in an ideal world I would be laid loose as a goose, how can I I'm about to shit my pants literally and I only met you 3 minutes ago and you now you talking to my vagina, relaxing aint happening.
After prodding and poking its done. And that's when the tears start. Normally in this situation I would convince myself I'm fine, but now I know pretending isn't always best. Painting a smile on and saying I'm fine just keeps everything trapped inside. So yes I cried, not a full on melt down I cant do this but a few tears. Each one the pain of my labour being set free.
This leads me to a confession, please don't judge me but I'm behind on my smear test. Something I have always had and nagged others to have. But since my new phobia I haven't dare have it. But this week I will get it booked. And if you are reading this and are behind,  I hope it gives you the courage to book yours also. We are braver than we think.
Since my last blog its been world book day. Shaun and my mum begged me not to go ahead with my book day idea. They thought it was unfair and lottie should be in a girly sparkly costume. Now I'm all for girly and sparkles, but this idea was way better and head to toe PINK. Yes she was piglet and she looked so cute! So much so that my mum and shaun had to eat their words.
I also took her to her weekly swimming lesson, where I am making a few friends myself. I've not made it into the IT crowd yet. Yano the mums that get out the pool looking better than when they got in and sit in the changing room talking about the latest designer beanie hat and im thinking about my bargain one I got of Ebay.
I get out the pool with hair flat to my head, goggle prints on my face and no chance to sit and chat in the changing rooms. Because frankly I'm out of breath from struggling to get lotties clothes on, and i've just spent half an hour wresting with my twisted bra.
Thank god we went for afternoon tea after where I ate my feelings and attempted to have a normal conversation whilst looking after a 10 month old. It never works, you get to the good bit of a story and they chuck a cheese sandwich across the room making you forget what you was even talking about. Meaning I miss out on all the goss whilst creating memories with my piglet.
May I also add I drove on the motorway alone to get to afternoon tea. Ill do anything for cake!
I'm off now guys, girls and gays. Mwah.

The end is near

Guys I have decided to end my blog. My last appointment is on 11th march so that is the date I will do my last post. I have come to this decision for a few reasons,

1.  I set this up to help with my recovery. the blog and my readers have played a huge part in me getting better. Better being the important word, I am BETTER. I feel as the illness is fingers crossed coming to an end my blog should also.
2. I fear its now boring. I hardly have down days, my life is no longer a spiral of ups and downs. This blog will just become about day to day life which is to be honest pretty boring. All I do now is work, watch tv and complain about being fat, whilst getting covered in baby poo. No one wants to read about that.
3. I'm running out of time. I feel like I hardly get time to blog now. I want it to have a start and a finish rather that it just drift away and slowly become nothing. Or everyone just gets bored and I just blog to myself.

When I complete my last post It will be so emotional. I have depended on this blog more than you will no. At times it gave me a purpose, I had to get through the day so I could update my blog. This may sound so lame but it became my focus, not my only focus but one of them. It has made me feel not alone. Because even if I just had 1 reader, someone was listening maybe even understanding.

I have blogged and cried, blogged and laughed felt every emotion whilst telling a keyboard how I feel, maybe sometimes you felt it to?

I feel I have made new friends, stranger friends, i have no idea what you all look like, who you are but i no your their so thank you for being here. And i hope i have helped some of you also. The good news is, its not over yet! You have me until the 11th and i will try to post as much as i can before my final one. And shaun is going to try and tell his side of the story. I could also try and rope mum and dad into it, but i will pre warn you they struggle sending a text and dads got a very warped sense of humour so it may not be such a good idea. Ill call a family meeting and see what i can do.

Now let me update you on life since my last post. Its been a while sorry, to refresh your mind it was the day i did my first round of interviews. When i nearly had a nervous poo and suffered the mother of all wedgies? Since then we have had a 2nd day at interviewing and the candidate has been chosen. And i feel the questions i asked and the in put i gave made a huge difference. I made a difference, and had a voice and it felt amazing.

Whilst at the hospital the date was set for my final appointment. This one is going to be a little different, its not with my doctor (pony), its not with my nurse.........its with both of them. I'm unsure why but it gives me a nervous tummy. Is this because its the final one, done discharged? Or is it because i will have to sit in a confined space feeling like i am the one being interviewed? I'm in the hot seat. Maybe its the unknown, i have no idea how this final appointment will go. Will it be some assessment to make sure i am stable enough to go at it alone or maybe it will be a casual thing, just sat talking about something random like how my toe is infected again.

Well its not going to be casual actually. I have requested bunting and cakes. Also my friend on reception has sent an email round regarding my party which is to be held at reception. All attending must wear coral and bring cake. This was done a little tongue in cheek but see you their!!

This weekend shaun has been away at a stag due in Newcastle. A stag do he booked when i was first diagnosed. He booked it thinking he wouldn't be attending, as i could not be left as i struggled with intense intrusive thoughts. We wasn't sure how long this would go on for, or if it would ever be the same again. But the time has come and all is fine. He was able to go and not worry. A huge achievement as this was something we doubted would ever happen again.

To keep me company my heavily pregnant best friend came round. We had a Chinese and attempted to make friendship bracelets. Which said on the box could be achieved by an 8 year old. ASIF! I couldn't even get my head around the instructions never mind actually making the things. We may not have bracelets to prove our friendship but the fact i shown her how brown my nipples went when i was pregnant proves it!

Also little lottie turned 10 month old. To celebrate i dressed her as scary spice. I have the tools to dress her as them all but getting a 10 month old to wear a wig aint easy. I have to catch her in a good mood. I'm also struggling to find a union jack dress for a 10 month but watch this spice #girlpower

I also have another opportunity to dress her up this week as its world book day on Friday. Hold on to you hats guys the outfit is on order. You are going to die its so good!

I must dash now as i am off to see my glam nan.

Love ya

Its all one big car crash

Thank god I have this little ray of sunshine in my life my lottie, because everything else in my life is going south, or west I dunno which ever way is down. Something good happens followed by 3 negative things.
Let me start with the positive. The interviews. Wow I was so nervous. When I dropped lottie of in the morning, as I drove away I took a minute and was like, hang on I am actually doing this.....ALONE. I am driving to notts city centre ALONE I don't even lottie to cling onto. Who gives me confidence and helps give me a push when needed.
On the drive over I'm sure my saliva was coming out the palms have my hands. I had the driest mouth the sweatiest hands and my antiperspirant was having to work double time. To calm my nerves the music of choice was celine dion I needed girl power and the words of a strong influential women (fucking hell that sounds posh).
Once at the hospital I sat in the car and rang my mum wanting her to agree that I should just go home. She didn't agree, telling me to get a grip. Mum I couldn't get a grip the steering wheel with these palms.
If I no I will be in a difficult situation I will wear the brightest clothes I can find, hence the orange coat. Well this time I went with bright orange tailored trousers. I think I do this as I feel the clothes will deflect from my shit scared looking face.
The lady's joining me to interviews where called Lisa and Megan. Lisa was running the show and I begged her to let me just sit in and not ask questions, but just like my mum it was no. ARGGGHHH. I had no way of getting out of this. And the fact the thong that was supposed to make me feel super sassy, was giving me an extreme wedgie wasn't helping.
So here goes the first lady arrives, as she walks closer and closer to the door my hearts starting to beat faster and faster with each step she takes. She steps in the room..........im calm. All my nerves just disappear, my smile suddenly becomes natural and the feeling I need a nervous poop just gone, I'm ready.
Guys no shit It was like I was a new women, a real I wear matching undies and have my shit together women. No faking it. I was professional I introduced myself and asked questions like I did this everyday.
All signs of the girl that sat in that very same room, in that very same chair saying she can no longer go on gone. In her place a confident and bright lady who is going to help choose a nurse that will go on to help thousands of mother and babies. The questions I asked wasn't your everyday interview question they was intense questions that required answers about suicide and child abuse.
I finished the day with a spring in my step. Id taken off my bra as soon as the last interview had finished and set free the bit of string wedged up my ass. Could life get any better? The feeling I had I wish I could bottle up and save, or buy it in b&m. As sadly it didn't last forever, not even 24 hours.
In my last blog I told you how I had driven into a parked car on Monday and the next day it just decided to stop working when I left for work. And it left me feeling like I wanted to smash the heap of shit up.
The only place for it is the scrap yard, so I may be able to boot it after all. So we was left with just 1 car. Friday comes around, which compared to last Friday when I had food poising it was going to be a good day. Lottie was dropped off at nursery me and shaun even managed a little "adult" time.
He was dropping me off at work early Friday afternoon. We drive around the corner and BANG! We have a car accident. In our 1 remaining car. While shauns taking the ladys details and people are getting involved telling us to call the police I'm just sat in the car feeling deflated. How can I possibly call work and tell them this has just happened. This is a new job in the space of just 1 week I've been late so many times. Its at the stage where its awkward.
But the fact my car head light is hanging out, I have a hole in my bumper that I can put my hand in and I'm in tears helps me prove my case. Lucky for me my new work friends and boss are so understanding and really helped me deal with this shit situation. They already no the way to my heart, a cup of coffee, a doughnut and a chat about makeup soon dries up my tears. SO that sums up my crappy Friday.
I don't no how i've made it to Saturday, sadly its no better than yesterday. I have the bum squirts yet again and my little rabbit dusty has been to the vets and has to have an operation later in the week.
While all this crazy has been going on I have missed my little girl so so much. She's clearly missed me also. NOT. She has slept all day, she woke up at 8am had a bottle went back to bed slept till 12pm had a meal and a bottle went back to bed its now 3pm and she is STILL in bed. Wake up I miss you.
My plans for this week. I was supposed to be going out for a few drinks tonight, I'm all prepared I have a new outfit and been to the hairdressers and now I'm not even going out. So shaving my legs was a total waste of time #hatemylife
I've been asked to go to the hospital on Tuesday and interview some more candidates. Obviously I said yes. I'm super exited. I've also had the go ahead to kick my crap car so I will be sure to update you on this.
Shaun has just asked me why I don't VLOG. If you don't no what this is basically instead of typing out how you feel you video it instead. Let me be honest why I  wont vlog. Its because id have to get
ready each time I cant just sit with crisp on my top, bed hair and no makeup on like I can when I blog. Also id have to sit in a way that compliments my double chin(s) pffft no thanks. Nobody wants to see this on a weekly basis.
Here's to a better week.

The day before THE day

Just thought I would give my faves people an update on my week. Its just one of them weeks where the world is against you. It all started Monday when I drove into a parked car oooops! Totally my fault and the first time I've ever done anything like that. I was only nipping out to get some coat hangers, and the worst bit about it was I had to knock on the strangers door and explain id scratched the car. I didn't no who was going to answer the door, if I was gunna get a slap or what. Luckily they was understanding. Safe to say I still need some coat hangers.
Then Tuesday all was running smooth I had lost 1lb. I was on time to work a change leaving the house at 7.30am picking my mum up and bringing her to my house. Only when I went to drive from my house to work, the car wouldn't start.
I'm sure my new boss thinks I make shit up in order to have a lie in. But no the cars a heap of crap and I hate it. Since my drama in the car with the bridge ect I hate driving and things like this don't help, remember a few month ago I broke down alone in the dark. Is this a sign to do a prince phillip and give up?
Today I have been at work in the morning and then had plans to take lottie to stay and play. Guess what? I rush a round, get there and its not on because its half term. Does anyone else feel they are peddling a bike but not moving? Im trying not to loose my shit, and do a Britney 2007 style, shave my hair off and take an umbrella to my shit car.
Luckily my mind has been totally depression free. And the fact I feel annoyed is actually a good thing. Its good to have feelings and emotions back. The good and the bad. Id rather feel like this than the numbness that you live with when depressed. When you hear about a death you don't feel empathy, when you are told a joke it doesn't make you giggle.
I've also been having nice dreams, about us buying our first family home and random stuff like last night I dreamt I was having swimming lessons. Going forward I hope this continues as I have so much stuff to look forward to.
Like tomorrow, the big day has come. I get to interview nurses that will be working at the hospital. I get to ask 3 questions some of which are my own. I was sent a list of set questions that I could alter if the question was appropriate. And when I put my idea forward it was greatly accepted and I was highly praised for it. That's the reason I was asked to help, because as a women who has lived with depression, I may ask think of questions your everyday person would never think to ask. And that was the case with this particular question. They have scrapped a question that a professional has come up with and used mine, which I'm really proud of. I'm unsure if I can write details about the interview but I will ask tomorrow.
I must admit I'm nervous. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. I just no its got to be sweat patch proof. Because I sweat buckets when I'm nervous. And I must admit I'm feeling the orange coat. And 100% a thong because they make me feel like I can take on the world. My pants have different jobs. My maternity pants give me a hug, thongs give me sass and G-strings......... ok I'm gunna be honest......they hurt my post pregnancy piles. Which I like to call the PPPs.
Yesterday I told my new work friends a little about my depression. I didn't go into much detail but just gave them an idea about what things have been like for me recently. The reason I haven't told them to much is because I think it is a shocking story and a little intense. As time goes on they may ask questions but that's up to them and id be more than happy to share.
To be fair as I was telling them I tried to play it down a little because it all sounds a little like bullshit. Over the past few weeks they have found out that in the space of a year I've moved house, had 2 fires set on my back garden, had an attempted break in, met celebrity's, mayors, MBEs, been on the radio, been on tv and set up a blog that's now had 10,000 views in lots of different countries. Bet they think righto.
So I'm having an early night tonight. Firstly because while I'm asleep I don't think about food and the other reason is because I have my big day tomorrow and want to bring my a game. My professional I wear matching underwear and never leave the house in my pjs self.
I hope you are still enjoying my blogs and they are not getting boring now I'm not having a breakdown every other day. Also I have been wondering why you all hadn't been replying to my silly questions, and why all the lovely comments had stopped. ERM id turned off "allow comments". Wooops.
Night x

Call the love doctor

How has it been a week almost since I last blogged. Don't worry I'm not loosing interest I just haven't had time and I've been so fucking hungry I was scared id eat the laptop. Weight watchers has me starving marving.
Let me update you on my week. I have been feeling really good. I told you in my last blog I had an appointment with my nurse for the final time. Well guess what, she cancelled as she had to take a day of work. To be honest I just think she cant let go lol. But I will be seeing her next week as I have a big day coming up. Its interview time. The time is nearly here when I get to help interview applicants for a job as a nursery nurse at the hospital. How have I still got an outfit? Do I go all in black to give of a professional vibe, or keep it casual giving of a friendly I still wear my maternity pants vibe. Trouser suit or tracksuit decisions decisions.
Tuesday and Wednesday was work time. And Thursday valentines day. Which literally left me needing to call the love doctor, I took lottie to her first water babys swimming lesson. If you have an opportunity to take your child to these classes do it! It was our first class and already she was holding onto the side of the pool on her own and enjoying having her head under water,
From now on I am going to try and go with another adult. Alone it was just to stressful. Due to the fact the changing areas are crap. Basically you all just have to get naked in 1 big room and I'm sure someone's husband seen my boob. I Pray to god it was my nice boob. I dunno about you but I have one nicer boob, the other one is just how do I put it....awkward, its like the ugly twin.
Once we was done and the twins where safetly tucked in their hammock we had a date with mr lover lover aka shaun. He took us for afternoon tea and if you hadn't gathered already this is my fave thing to do. So I gave weight watchers a kick and went wild. Not that it mattered, yes that's right I was to see this afternoon tea again. As I was left with food poisoning. TYPICAL.
We got in from what we thought was a lovely lunch had a few drinks and played couples trivia. That's when things started to go down hill. The least romantic person ever made this game. It was a valentines special so you didn't expect questions about previous partners, and what does the other person do to piss you off.
Once in bed the real fun began. And my knickers was up and down for all the wrong reasons. I had the runs. BAD! So bad I sat on the loo crying to shaun telling him I felt like I was in labour. No joke I did a mental check to see if their was any way I could be 9 months pregnant and unaware. You do hear of these things don't you. When I realised it wasn't I baby I was certain it was death. Even my finger hurt.
Since then I have found out the restaurant we went to had recently had the food hygiene rating dropped from a 5 to a 1! And I wasn't the only one left with ring sting. I am thinking of asking for a refund, not only for the food but also my white fluffy Disney pjs.
But like the true trooper I am I still got up and went to work on Friday. And lottie went to nursery. She really likes, it to the point she cried when it was time to go home. I can see a change in her already. She is a little more independent. As much as I moan about her not leaving my side I actually had a little cry when she crawled away from me when we got back. Normally she will crawl but keep checking I am in sight and will not go far, but this time she didn't give a crap she was off. And it hurt. My baby needs me a little less. She has started to sit and play without crying for me. Is it ok for me to sit and cry for her now like she did me? Full on paddy style.
I love reading the online diary I get from the nursery. The fact she had 3 poops and 2 naps melts me. Everything she does is magical in my eyes. So you can imagine what I was like when I read she had enjoyed playing with the toy till and musical instruments.
I am enjoying work but I do feel mum guilt.  But the time we have together now feels so much more precious like we have to make the most of it. Hopefully this will be good for both of us. The fact she cried when it was home time at nursery tells me she's just as fed up of watching EastEnders on demand as I am.
This week I have no major plans other than helping interview the 10 lady's at hopewood. I will try to blog along the way. Its getting a little harder now lottie can stand as she is curious about the laptop and stands trying to grab it off me. I've just taken a picture of her so I can show you what cuteness I'm dealing with.
Have a good week I'm going to brush my teeth now as I have major garlic breath!