I hope blogging has helped him let go a little, deep down I still think he is struggling to process what has happened. Sometimes I expect him to just be ok because I'm ok now. I just click my fingers and go I'm better now but he needs time to get over this also. For a while he lost me, lost us and now we need to concentrate on finding our normal.
We need to discover life as a family minus trips to the hospital and nights spent blogging (as much as I love it). We need to be chelsey, shaun and lottie. Not chelsey shaun, lottie with a hospital family, a blog family and an illness. Its been wonderful meeting all these people and having such amazing support but for now all we need is each other.
Id love to say we will run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But as positive as I feel life just isn't that easy. We will face life hurdles as we all do but whats changed now is the fact we understand what ever happens as long as we have each other things will get better.
I don't see us having more babies. During my last appointment I was informed their is a 30% chance of me getting depression in future pregnancies, and I would probably be under the care of the hospital potentially before the little one was even born. So for now its a no from me. When I look to the future I don't crave another child, I just see my little family of 3 and that's fine with me.
Going forward I would love to do more work with the hospital, and that was also spoke about during my last appointment. But I've been told to forget about that for now and just concentrate on living my new hospital free life apparently I need a "clean brake" for a while. I have to leave them the hell alone until at least july. And then we can start looking at ways I can help out. I cant bloody wait.
My last appointment was awful. Firstly because amy (pony) and lisa lottie and me was sat in the smallest room and I hate shit like that, I feel like I cant breath. They couldn't stress enough how proud they was of me, telling me I had done all they asked of me and more. And I did, I never missed 1 single appointment. When they advised me to make changes to the way I was acting or thinking as much effort as I felt it was I did it. They may have had to nag but I took all the steps. Sometimes thinking what the hell that's never going to work, but it has.
Meditation.....worked, trusting myself to be alone......worked, blogging.......worked, making my Yorkshire pudding with lard instead of oil......didn't work! The list of things they had me doing especially my nurse lisa was endless.
As it got closer and closer to the end of my appointment my eyes started filling up more and more with tears. Then 1 fell from my eye and the rest followed. How can I get up and walk away? Walk away from my safe place? Where I can run to and be understood. How do I get up from the chair that hugs me each time I sit in it, walk out the door I have ran in when I needed to hide and leave the people who tell me it will be ok.
It was impossible to turn my back on them and walk away. So both lisa and amy left the room first leaving me in their alone with lottie and shaun ready to leave when I felt it was time. Watching them walk away was incredibly painful and I cry now just thinking about it.
I can never explain what these people mean to me and how they have changed our life. I hate to think what would have been without them, and my midwife who came to my rescue when i almost took my life. Who made the right decisions at the right time.
All these wonderful people came into my world and have made such a difference, a&e, the crisis team, my heath visitor who got me feeling comfortable enough to massage lottie, social services who made me feel I was doing mum life right regardless of my illness, the receptionists at the hospital who acted like it was normal for me to try and hold a conversation whilst crying so much I couldn't talk. My nurse who got me out the house when I didn't even want to get out of bed.
Listed above are all people that I have met post depression. Now for the people who new the real me. The people who's opinion matter the most. my family and friends, thank you for putting up with me through this, believe it or not I hate the fact its been the chelsey show. ok I love it to be the chelsey show but not in this situation. So can we go back to talking about pointless crap that's going on in ALL our life, like mums new plumb wallpaper, dads pointless diet (give up your fatter than when you started) and facial hair.
Thank you shaun for doing your all to understand. Never walking away and making this hell a little easier to live in.
Thank you to my little lottie. I would face depression for the rest of my life for you. You are worth every tear I have cried and more. Your smile has been infectious and your cry has dragged me out of bed when nothing else would. You will never remember when I would sit holding you tight at 2am petrified we was in danger. I no now their was nothing to fear, just fear itself.
Its amazing something so perfect has come from something so unperfect. My worst fear being that you would come to harm. You was my reason to live when I didn't understand what I was fighting I would still fight. Because the most important thing to me was you needing your mum to protect you
and that will never ever change.
And thank you. you. who ever you are reading this right now thank you for taking the time. Thank you to every single person who has reached out no matter how small the message I can assure you I have appreciated every single one. I started this with just 2 readers and it has grown and grown. So shout out to my day 1s. If you read them all, thank you. If you read 1 or 2 thank you. If you understood, tried to understand or just hung around for the laughs thank you.
A lot of messages of support you send start with " you may have heard this a thousand time" and yes I have but it never gets boring I get overwhelmed with the kind words, each one reminding me I'm not alone. We all have a fight they are all different, but what is the same is the FIGHT. Its shit it hurts but we all have the ability to do it. I said I in a previous blog, I feel I am moving forward with a lorry strapped to my back and that's exactly how I feel recovery has been. Slow and painful but worth it as I am a better person than I was before.
Can you believe I have only been blogging for 4 month?? It feels like I have been doing it my whole life, and it times its all I had in my life. A focus, battle on today and then I get to moan to the computer screen about how shit life is treating me, or I would have a really good positive moment and would be itching to get home to tell my internet stranger friends.
The ones who most of the time never spoke back but somehow I felt you was listening. Often blogging was the only time I felt safe to be alone. Shaun would walk in the room and I would ask him to leave, I needed this time to concentrate, so I could get my story across the best I could.
I have said lots of time how I could never be alone shaun had to be glued to me so I'm sure he enjoyed the time I would sit and type. And he trusted me, because I trusted myself when blogging because someone was always reading, so was I really alone? i didn't feel it I felt safe. You guys clicking and reading really helped.
I hardly read my posts back, today I attempted to do so.i got as far as
https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html and I just cant do it. The blogs wrote between the end of November and December are just to intense for me right now. I do plan to look back but maybe not all in 1 go. If you follow me on facebook or twitter I will post on their as I read them what I think about them. My twitter is @dummymummy6.
For this blog I have taken notes, highlighted them organised them and now I have not even used them. I am so much better at just writing what I feel in the here and now, that's what I have done from the start and its how I shell finish.
So I have reached the end. For now, I will return on or just after lotties 1st birthday which is 2nd may. I will look forward to chatting to my screen again soon and will jot things down along the way.
I hope between now and then we make lots of memories that i can share with you. I hope to remain
in a good place. I wish my internet stranger friends luck and happiness.
Goodbye
This is so hard to press POST. How do I finish?
Well actually I need a poo so I need to dash.
Loveya
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