Id like so say since I last spoke, I've lost a stone, got rid of the toe infection and resumed my pre lottie gym schedule but the truth is I've cancelled my gym membership, I still have mum tum and my toe is still killing me! The only thing that's changed really is the fact I get time to wax my chin every 2 week and i love being a mummy more and more each day.
Becoming a parent made me think id miss out on fun things like nights out with the girls or expensive holidays abroad. Never for a minute thinking it may be the other way round, I'm missing out by not being a mummy. Id never known true love, or looked at someone and seen my whole world in their eyes until i set eyes on lottie.
I did love her from day 1 i remember so well the love that i felt for her from the beginning but, i don't remember her before she was 6 month old. I don't remember holding her, feeding her or how many times she woke in the night. I think i was far to ill to sit and cherish those moments. And it breaks my heart, My mind was elsewhere i was more focused on fighting to be alive. Even though i was walking round in a blur 1 thing was clear i had to live. I may not remember much but i remember looking at lottie and she gave me the courage to keep going. Her cry got me out of bed in the morning and her needs told me i was needed.
This time last year the surgans was working on getting lottie un-stuck after id been in labour for 3 days. And since then ive been trying to figure out everything that happened during my labour. But the past few days i have re lived every second. Its crystal clear. How strange is that ive answered all my own questions. Ive been a wake in the night bracing myself for the pain and the strange thing is lottie has woken with me each time. She's in a different room she's fast asleep yet we still feel each others hurt. That's why i had to get better.
Id love to say I'm 100% I wish I was and I though I was until about a month ago. I just took a huge step backwards I felt sick all the time, I couldn't feed lottie because I was shaking so much and to make matters worse I had to go to work. I couldn't get ready in a morning I was so confused nothing was making sense. I tried to deal with it for a few days until I did the sensible thing and saw the gp. It was a case of upping my medication and after a few days I had bounced back. PHEW.
Being a working mum is HARD! How do you mums make it look so easy? With your sleek hair and trouser suits. While I'm running down the street, car keys in my mouth, lottie on my back and the same pants on I wore to bed.
My boss did take me to 1 side and had a word with me about the fact I get to work a few minutes late. I actually burst out crying. That morning lottie had clung to me and didn't want to go to nursery and I was trying my best. I'm super organised i get everything ready the night before but even if i set off the day before i had to actually be at work i would probably still be late. Is this normal or am i doing working mum all wrong?
Maybe i will ask my new mum friends. I have true mum friends, to the outside world groups of mums look pretty boring (sorry but we do). With our ankle boots on, our bags or sensible stuff like hand gel and spf50 but now I'm part of the crew dam i've been missing out. We can stay up all night, we look like we are doing the walk of shame most mornings with our messy hair and blurry eyes and we piss ourselves on the daily.
I seem to meet new people all the time. I can find it odd when it comes to sharing mum stories. I feel like the world has read my blog and wonder if people i meet have done so. One question i do struggle with is the when will you have another baby question? As i wont. I understand lottie has no memory of me not being unwell thank the lord. But say she's older and i have another baby and get ill. I cant let her see her mummy and daddy hurting.
Despite all the horrible stuff that's happened its been an amazing year. I've learnt so much, real hurt, true happiness and how baby poo isn't baby poo its adult poo! its more than adult poo, she poops more than me. I've experience great kindness, shared my story with people the other side of the world oh and did i mention i saved a life!!!! https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-ambulence.html
I still can not believe people read my blog around the world. The odd time i have checked if anyone has been reading and wow yes you have. Its bizarre that i have so many more views in America than i do in the uk. You American's must be desperate for a distraction from trump and his wall. And the views have almost hit 12,000 step aside oprah. Thank you for living this with me and giving me my purpose when i needed one.
I did find a new little hobby while I've been away and its selling baby hair bows. I add my own touch with a few diamantes and bling them up with little ones names and glitter. I'm having fun and its paid for Lottie's next term of swimming lessons. So if you are reading this and have helped with my new venture thank you.
I plan on doing another blog at Christmas. This time i hope i have more to say. You look ahead and see your world changing, or am i just a dreamer. By Christmas i think i will have got round to dusting the tv cabinet, helped mums suffering with post natal depression, wrote a book, started getting to work on time or even sacked my job off and my bows will feature in vouge.
Its 45 minutes until midnight. Its the perfect end to a perfect day. I have loved celebrating Lottie's first year of life, at times i have felt like it is my birthday. You should have seen me in build a bear, i was stuffing that thing like i was on drugs.
Things may not have always been perfect but she is.
Between now and then i hope my dreams come true and so does yours to.
Love the farnsworths x
No comments:
Post a Comment