I don't no if its been tough due to the postnatal depression or just having a baby in general puts the brakes on your happy relationship bubble. My guess is its a combination of both. And the fact I was expecting at least a year of a post marriage high. I was dreaming of lazy morning cuddling in bed ignoring the fact we both have vile morning breath, romantic weekends away, candle lit bath, and lots of hanky panky not just your "ok go on then but be quick" hanky panky I'm talking call me wifey, take your time hanky panky.
But it wasn't to be. We started trying for a baby on our wedding night (yes we was one of the lucky couples that could be arsed after their big day), thinking it will take a while for the mud to stick but oh no we only went and conceived the very first time. We got back from our honeymoon and shortly after found out we was having a baby. We are super blessed it happened so fast for us as I am aware of the struggle some people face. But hold on a minute I'm 6 month into marriage, I've gained over a stone in weight, sex is like a swear word to me, matching underwear? fuck THAT pass me those size 16 panties and a sports bra and my new husband smells like bacon and I cant stand to be near him. The only benefit of my changing body being my titties, for once i actually had pair. But touch them and your dead!
I always pictured being pregnant would do wonders for a relationship. I wanted shaun to be falling asleep with his hand on my bump and to feel that connection with my partner as we now share a little life. But the only think i felt was constant trap wind. I could tell shaun couldn't wait to be a daddy and i always new he would do a fantastic job. But whilst i was pregnant i expected him to be glued to my hip and the fact he wasn't repeatedly asking if baby was kicking drove me mad. Being extra hormonal id cry and cry insisting he wasn't bothered. And it broke my heart why didn't he sing to her like i did? why wasn't he looking out for her every movement?
Since chatting to others and reflecting on this i understand shauns situation a little more. To us mums we feel this huge kick just for dad to say they didn't feel it. We see them roll and turn and dad always looks over that second to late missing the action. It must be harder for them to make that connection.
The times he did have a hand on my tummy when she moved was super magical.
I look back at our relationship and as i progressed in pregnancy and when lottie has been getting older our relationship just became less and less important to us. I mean do you even interact at all when you first have your baby? I don't remember 1 conversation we had just about normal stuff. It was all, do you think she's warm enough or have you changed her nappy today? If i could go back i would try my best to have been more us, if that's possible with a new born. We wasn't shaun and chelsey we was mummy and daddy. The people we was drifting further into the background.
What did we have to talk about, its not like i had anything interesting to tell him for the first few month unless he wants an update on Jeremy kyle or how it took lottie 13 minutes instead of 15 to drink her bottle. We needed to get out more but leaving your new bundle of joy its not an option. I remember one time we went on a date night to the cinema. We was both on edge checking our phone and raced home without a word.
Then i was labelled as depressed and was under the hospital going back and forward several tims a week and that became our new topic of conversation, that's if i spoke at all. The dynamic of our relationship totally changed i was no longer a bossy boots, i was venerable unable to make decisions and needed looking after.
Shaun had to sort my medication as i could be trusted with it alone, he had to drive me to and from the hospital as i couldn't drive, cook, clean and he had to be with me 24/7 as i couldn't be left alone. The people we was and the relationship we had being pushed back even further. This situation made my heart ache. I felt shaun was loosing respect for me and i was starting to irritate him. Like the time i cut my feet open, meaning i could no longer walk.
Sometimes i would have good days and try to re light our spark see, https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-glam-squad.html?m=1but it all just felt a little bit forced. I honestly thought the old us was gone. I was going to bed early as i couldn't face the silence, we no longer sat together, hugged or spoke about us. We get told about the baby blues but nobody warns us about what I'm now calling the relationship blues. We entered parenthood care free and more in love than ever. Overnight we became cash strapped people with a huge responsibility and no time for each other.
The good news is tonight a year on from becoming parents we both said this past few days, celebrating lotties birthday has really brought us back together. Things seem calm, natural, even managing our first candle lit bath since we became married almost 2 years ago. Not quite how i imagined as i was sat on a bath toy and lottie had to jump in with us but it was perfect. We haven't
argued about how we parent different, he has his way i have mine i think we have both realised its not
him and me its us and we work together.
I think its been a case of adjusting. We had an active social life before and couldn't spend 10 minutes together without having a cheeky snog, and it was like this for 8 years. We have had to find our new perfect, its took a whole year. Luckily we don't really argue and never raise our voices it just feels like we was paused for a while. Forgetting about each other a little. But never forgetting that we are sole mates. And unfortunately with every high comes a low and this was our low. We are chelsey and shaun again and we got their as soon as we stopped trying and forcing what we HAD. Because we will never have that again. We have found our new perfect which one that involves an extra little person. Which is exactly the same but totally different.
P.S The fact he uses the tea towel as a hand towel still drives me so mad i cant even explain. And today when i caught him doing it, i didn't say a word i just took the tea towel off him, walked on the back garden and chucked it over the 7ft fence. I will keep doing this until he stops or we have no tea towels left at all, unless we count the dirty ones in a pile next to a tree.
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