Having 5!

 Hey strangers! Just had a moment of realisation which has pushed me to finally update my blog! 

I was just laid in the bath (like just, I still have a wet back but I just couldn’t wait to log on and blog this). Lots of you will relate to this, while laid in the bath, I could hear the bubbles popping, the rain outside and the strange creaking noises in the house (what are they by the way?). My Phone was on the floor, Shaun and Lottie are out and I just thought arghhh nothingness. No worrying Lottie is going to wee in the fish tank, or shauns going to need his 10th meal of the day just nothing and it was so good! 

Then I remembered this was my biggest fear just a short while ago, and sadly still is for so many. A fear to be alone, when I was ill with post natal depression I didn’t even go to the toilet alone, why? I was scared of myself, I was scared of the things i could Harm myself with when alone.  I was told this would get better, did I believe it? Never. But without realising it has. 

I say without realising, I did notice when shaun used to wait till I’d got in the bath and then find an excuse to leave me alone, each time leaving me a little longer And each time I’d lay listening for the floorboards creaking telling me he’s on his way back and I can unclench my fists and breath again.  

To get to the stage I am now, it wasn’t like oh I’m fine i can take a piss alone let’s move on, I don’t remember a day when things changed but it has and to those suffering it will. Me & my nurse came up something that worked for  me when I got a “bad thought” I’d imagine taking hold of it with my hand and blowing it away (like a kiss). Another way of doing this is draw a cloud round it and imagine it floating away. So this is what I’d do when shaun would “pop downstairs”!

He would leave me n my depression would start, I’d have all these thoughts of self doubt and I’d fight to push them away working myself up, my hands shaking and my stomach in knots.

 What I needed to do was acknowledge these thoughts as awful as they are, let them come let And them go. And gradually thoughts have stopped  or lessen. I have no idea about other people’s journeys or recovery but hopefully just 1 person try’s this and it helps. 

Anyway!!! In my last blog I had a lil interview to get my foot in the door on Hopewood mother & baby unit. The good news is they think I’d be able to help out on the ward and if it wasn’t for COVID I’d probably be doing so already. 

The interview was great, why was I so nervous to sit and talk about myself? I even got the interview lady to make me a brew, I spoke about my little blog and spoke  about my readers, yes we r worldwide baby! And ive had 1500 hits! Half of them are me and my mum! 

I walked away feeling a million dollars, and shit scared coz I’d parked my car in the most awkward place and knew I’d need to do a million point turn to get out the car park! And if getting out was anything like getting in then hella no! As I’d drove the wrong way down a 1 way. But I made it out alive and 20 minutes later I got the news I can progress with Hopewood! 

I’m still making my bows and loving it, I’ve Also made some new friends and wasn’t even a nervous twitchy mess when I met them, I was fine, just like my old self it helped that Lottie pissed all over me and fell in the paddling pool, nothing like warm wee to break the ice. 

I’m the worst with new friendships, I’m now at the awkward stage where I’m on a new friendship High but don’t wanna be a kean bean, like do I ask if they wanna do something or do I play it cool? I legit have like 1 friend and this is why. I get over exited n start planning moving in next door n shit. 

I also mentioned in my last blog about the passing of my Nan. I’m not going to lie during covid I found the loss easier to deal with, this may sound harsh but I prefer that she wasn’t around during the lockdown. My Nan was a social butterfly, she wasn’t the best at entertaining herself, she tried bless her but never found a hobby, her jigsaw never even got opened and the adult colouring book I brought her she have to the grandkids! 

After her first cup of Yorkshire and a read of the paper she was sat dressed waiting for her first visitor! And as 1 of those visitors there is no way I could have left her, or waved at the end of the drive, I feel for those who had to do this. 

 Its now life is returning to normal, it’s all becoming real. I see people re-uniting and ache for this myself. Is it crazy I called her phone last night? Course i new she would never answer. I see her in all beautiful things on this earth? Each day I search for something just to help lessen the hurt. 

I have find reminding myself what a good life she had and how she lived to be to be so old, glam, well and loved Until the very end helps.

I am going to sign off now as shaun n Lottie are home and it’s only a matter of time till I get found in this comfy spot on the bed. 

P.s shaun just shouted upstairs Lottie has done a dump in her leggings (we r potty training), and I can hear him grumbling and grunting, honest my child poops like a rhino.

Best get to work with the vanish, choe Bella x