Until it got to nap time. Bert was downstairs doing his thing, so I took lottie to bed. A task which has been so easy since we introduced fred the ted. But this all changed. She would not let me leave her side. I honestly think she didn't want me to spend time with bert. 2 hours she screamed for. Mine and poor bert's ears where ringing I was sweating and he probably knew that I was close to hanging from his legs begging him to take me with him when he left.
Evan when he left she still was pissed off. She's not had a nap I think she's scared if she closes her eyes bert will sneak back into her life. Shuan had a gym session booked but I called him in a state begging him to come home.
She was inconsolable if I picked her up she screamed if I didn't pick her up she screamed, you get my drift. I'm knackered and I've ate 2 family bags of chocolate. Shaun got back I was in the bathroom almost in tears and lottie was face first on the living room floor howling. Call me a bad mum but I had to step away for a minute. I've never had to take time out, but I was at the end of my tether.
So whilst she screamed at shaun i I had a bath. Shaun gets into his head he wants to make a roast diner. Which would have been lovely but I had to tell him I think it will be impossible to make while lottie is in this mood. I mean I made a slimming world ready meal and it sat on the side for 2 hour still in the cellophane. I ate it cold and all the pasta stuck together to form a ball.
But men know best right? I came down after my bath an hour later. The oven was still on the chicken was still in the fridge, Shaun's still in his work clothes on and lottie is still screaming. Safe to say we had jacket potatoes for tea. All is well now my little diva is tucked up in bed. We ended the day with a kiss which makes today perfect.
Yesterday morning was spent at lotties nursery. Just a few hours to get her used to it, I sat in on this session but the next she will have to big a big girl as I will not be able to stay. I think she liked it. The fact she walked in to a plate full of food helped. The only thing she wasn't keen on was taking a nap. And guess what I didn't rob a chicken or a granny.
In the afternoon I had an appointment with pony. A really positive one. I only have 1 more appointment left with each of my health workers. Pony spoke to me about how far I have come and how difficult it must have been for someone who has so much sparkle to experience such an illness. They was her words, and its true. My sometimes over the top and jokey personality totally left me. I would stop talking and for such a chatterbox like myself, someone who loves sharing stories and likes to be heard, it was hard to have a trapped voice.
I try my best to get across to you what depression did to me. I have no idea the picture I'm painting. If you understand my journey, if you can comprehend or relate. But I read an article earlier one that gets the message across perfectly. I connect with it so well to the point I feel they could be my words. I just keep reading it over and over. And I am told millions suffer with this illness. But I still struggle to believe it. I'm unsure why this is, maybe I want to be alone in my suffering as I don't want others to feel pain, or I still can not come to terms with the fact this is real. But it is real and its people like the person who wrote this article that helps the world understand, we are not alone, we are survivors and we should be proud, be it you are a sufferer, a family member husband or wife to the unfortunate sole who has lived this be proud you made a difference.
Here's the ink to the most powerful and relatable thing I've ever read. https://themighty.com/2018/06/suicide-dont-want-to-die-just-want-to-pain-to-stop/
Finally whilst at the hospital i took a picture of the picture that has been put up in reception of me, lottie and professor green. This i am super proud of, as every ill lady that enters the hospital will see my picture. And not only does my skin look great but its a positive photo. One of hope. I hope people ask the story behind it, and see the smile on my face a smile that's real and slowly grew from a smirk to a full happy laugh. I hope they see lottie. See how happy she is and no different to a baby that has a mum without depression.
No comments:
Post a Comment