ARGHH I'm up to my limit right now. I'm currently laid on my bed in the dark with my candle lit that smells like fresh air, shoving maltesers in my mouth 4 at a time whilst drinking ovaltene, that should be made out off milk but I couldn't be arsed, so made it with water instead and it tastes like ass. So here I am sat pretending their isn't a sink full of pots, spag bol all over the cooker and a washer that needs emptying.
I started the day with the shakes and it looks like I'm ending it that way to. Let me start from the beginning. I had my appointment yesterday with pony. The decision has been made to reduce my sertraline back down to 50mg. This is the dose which I started on. Compared to the dose I have been taking its very low. And I hope it doesn't effect me, mainly because its my birthday in 8 days! My last year in my 20's. I feel you 29th should be celebrated more than your 30th. I don't want to celebrate being 30! I wont like being 30! I already no I wont like being 30. 30 is the birthday for a surprise party, and flash gifts. But I want 29 to be the special one. So if anyone wants to plan me a surprise party text me. Ill send you all the deets, who I want their, what date works for me ect. I know its a surprise but its still got to be good. So I will tell you the vital info.
Anyway back to my hospital trip. I've now started to dislike my appointments. Because going to the hospital seems to give my depression a nudge. Part of me wants to go, as I love everyone I see there. Everyone is so warm and friendly. We walk in and they take lottie for cuddles and feed us up with biscuits and cake! But sadly true to form today my depressions seems to have woke up. It seems I get a high whilst at the hospital, having a giggle and a catch up. But I come home and the next day is pants. (Shit I just had my last malteser! HELP).
I've been on antibiotics recently to help with a sinus infection. Which had settled down, but last night I felt like id been hit in the face with a shovel and didn't feel much better this morning. Getting out of bed was an effort, which I'm unsure is due to my trip to the hospital, my infection or just the fact I'm a lazy piglet.
Once I had dragged myself up, I splashed my face with cold water and got on with mummy duties. I had a trip into town arranged with my mum and after snuggling lottie on the sofa for to long, whilst watching holly and phil give a dog a massage on This Morning I was running late. So it was a mad rush getting ready. Since I've recovered I hate rushing. As it takes me back to when I had depression bad and was rushing around like mad, running from my mind. But it was my own fault as you can imagine ITVs this morning is gripping tv!
Once in town I was hoping a little retail therapy and a laugh with my mum would soon have me forgetting about my worrys. WRONG! Things just went from bad to worse. The first hour or so was fine. We went for some lunch, but once we got into the swing of spending it went down hill. Firstly my bank card got declined and I had no signal to transfer money from my other bank account! Then I got a call from shaun, telling me id taken a bag with me that he needed. So the plan was to meet him at the car park where id parked. So we had to dash to the checkout and pay. Whilst faffing shaun called me back. He was pulled up next to my car, and I had a parking ticket!!!!!! Whilst he was going on about this I told mum id meet her at the shop exit and made my way out the shop.
I explained to shaun, id defiantly paid for a ticket. 100% because id seen the warden whilst doing so and remember giving him a smug grin whilst I was buying it and giving him the middle finger when he turned his back! When the conversation ended I realised mum had been taking a while. So I walked back to the checkout where id left her. But she had gone! When I called her I heard her phone ring. And let out a sigh of relief. She cant be far I thought. Then I realised the sound was coming from under the pushchair. Id got her bloody phone. So it was hunt down mum time. Up and down the shop I walked. Which was empty and I'm sure I looked like a total shop lifter. Because clearly I wasn't buying anything. And I was starting to get all hot and flustered walking at such speed inside whilst wearing my big coat.
After hunting high and low and getting more and more anxious I decided to walk back to the car and hope she was their. Once at the car park I was relived to see her little blonde bob poking over the roof of my car. All we had to do now was load the car and drive home. But nothing is ever that simple. Somehow the car boot had shrunk and the pushchair wouldn't fit in. So this took me agers. Then lottie started crying. Like proper loud I'm in pain crying. So I had no choice but to pull up on double yellows and check she was ok. Resulting in me standing at the side of the road cuddling her freezing and getting funny looks.
Once calm I put her back. Just for me to drive off and her start again. She had me fooled the little madam did. I'm not a fussy mum. I know her cry. She has a real cry and a mardy cry. A mardy I want attention cry. But this time it felt like something was genuinely bothering her. So instead of dropping mum off at her house, she decided to sit in the back of the car with lottie with the hope it will calm her down. As soon as my mum sat on the back seat and held her hand she was silent as a mouse.
Thank god mum came home with me or she would have screamed and screamed all the way to mine. Once lottie was home and settled shaun took my mum home. But guess what id lost the car keys! DAYYYYM.
Yesterday I sat and thought. My life's to boring to blog. Now I'm almost at the end of my story about depression I have nothing to blog about. But today has proved me wrong. Maybe their will always be a story. I'm just a walking drama?
Also I'm pretty miffed because i've set up bird feeders on my garden. Which wasn't easy (I'm not the tree climbing type). I've added a like to my Instagram video to show you the blood sweat and tears that went into this! https://www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3OTc2MTExNDIxMTk5Njc4/And ive not had a single bird. I had more birds before I had the feeders. I think I've scared them away. They fly and hover over but my 69p pound stretcher seed clearly isn't good enough. Saying that the birds round my way would probably appreciate a fag nub more.
I’m off to top my day off in my now lukewarm bath!
Chat soon sexpots. Keep smiling!
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