Little lottie who can now crawl may I add, is fast on. So its sofa dash time and this time my junk of choice was a cream egg. OMG did they get nicer this year? I want another one now but the kitchen floor is not dry yet!
Once she's awake, I think I'm going to go to the gym. Truth be told I only go these days when I need to refresh my makeup routine. The BEAUTY of paying over the odds for my gym is I get a little tv screen when I go on certain machines.
So I take my headphones and watch makeup tutorials on youtube. While sitting on a bike. Because I'm going out for my birthday this weekend I need a few tutorial tips. The people on the treadmills behind me can clearly see what I'm watching. I tell myself they go home and try to master the smokey eye.
By the way I have new bedding! Its grey silk with diamantes on. 2 of the diamantes have fell off already but I'm ignoring that fact. I'm sure they will stick back on with a bit of nail glue.
In regards to my depression I've not really blogged about it for a while. The last time I did I told you the story about me cutting my feet open while trying to save barry the beetle and how it meant I couldn't walk around because to much pressure on the cuts could re open the wound. To catch up https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2019/01/its-999-time-again.html
On that blog I posted a video of shaun dragging me and lottie around the street on a sledge. My great idea because crutches drove me mad. The brainwaves didn't stop their either. I wanted a trip to meadow hall, but it was going to be impossible walking all the way round their. So guess what chaps, I hired a mobility scooter! Which was so much fun and was probably the first time I had laughed since becoming ill.
Being unable to walk did set me back, I was trapped in the house again, but this trip out really lifted my mood. I probably drove all the shoppers mad as the scooter was soooooo slow but me and shaun was having a giggle. Especially when I had to reverse out of a lift into a crowd of people and nearly mowed them all down. In my defence I was piping the hooter but to no avail. As always I got a little video of our day and I have posted it below.
During the drama with my feet, my appointments began with pony. These where so difficult sometimes. Going to the hospital was the only time I left the house. The appointments where intense, sometimes I couldn't even talk I would just cry and cry. I was upset about so much,
- the self harm thoughts was to intense
- I didn't believe I would get better and I couldn't understand this "illness"
- I was ashamed
- i remember one appointment I'm sure all i said was "this is to hard" "i cant do this"
- i wanted a life but didn't want to live
The list is endless. And now whilst reflecting I'm getting upset again. Being sectioned was mentioned during some of the more intense appointments, but pony always managed to calm me down. And my meds was increased overtime.
If i can offer any advice CRY! Once i started i felt id never stop. But you do and when you do you feel a little lighter. If you ever get to the point when you see a therapist. Be honest. I held nothing back. As difficult as it was to get the words out and admit some of the things whirling around in my head. The feeling when i was told "that's normal" was pure relief. I'm sorry i will never blog all the thoughts i had. For many reasons but if i have 1 suffering mum reading this, as extreme, awful and disturbing you think it is i bet your not alone!
After a while the appointments became easier. That's when i started to open my eyes to the world around me. I started chatting to the receptionists their and seeing the hospital for what a wonderful place it is. It stopped being a place off doom. I started feeling better, i began leaving the house with shaun. Doing everyday things. One day i even put lottie in her pushchair and went for a walk.....alone. I was terrified i remember standing at my front door thinking can i do this? am i safe to be on my own? will i leave lottie in some random place on her own, with the hope a better mum will find her? But once i took that first step i was off. i felt free even a little confident. Confident that i could be trusted.
Unfortunately after this high i began to fall again. Unexpectedly i was down again. I've now learnt that this is recovery. You don't just get better. Its a slow process full of highs and lows.
I'm off now to go to the gym to watch TV. The next few days i may be a little busy as its the death of my 20s tomorrow. Yes i turn 29.
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