1.1.19

Guess what? I got some ugg boots! We took a trip to York outlet on sunday. I've been to most outlets. My fave is bichester village but you need lots of money for the likes of jimmy choo, Vivienne westwood, prada and stella McCartney, so unless you have plenty of cash or you love to dream about having it go to this outlet.
Sunday was the first time i've visited the York outlet. And I must say its brill. All my fave shops under one roof! Swarovski, ted baker, dune and obviously the works. Who doesn't love new post it notes and gel pens!
So now I have the uggs I need a bag to match. Brown tan if the birthday fairy is reading this. I may sound like I have a shopping problem but I'm making up for lost time. While I was depressed I wouldn't even bye myself and sandwich never mind indulge. I didn't feel like I deserved nice things. So for now if I want it I'm going to buy it.
I don't know if you remember me saying I felt like I had the onset of ebola, after a trip to the doctors yesterday it turns out I have sinusitis. So I'm sat here floating from the effects of painkillers and wrapped in a blanket.
I spent new years eve with my head over a bowl of steam. And then Lottie took a poop in the bath! In regards to my doctors appointment can you belive shaun took a trip down to the doctors to make the appointment, got home told me I had to be their at 4.45. I told him I was taking a little nap and to wake me up at 4, the next thing I wake up and it 4.45. So I ask shaun "why didn't you wake me up?"
he just looks at me confused "what for?"
"the doctors appointment"
"oh shit yeah I forgot about that"
How can you make an appointment and forget it in the same day? But anyway no harm done I managed to get seen. Thank god because the pain in my face is to much. At times I just feel like hitting my head against a wall. Extreme I know!
So new years eve was a quiet one for us, I say quiet if you don't include the dickhead letting fireworks off at 2am! Thank god they stopped when they did because I was close to going round in my mermaid pyjamas and ramming a firework up their arse!

Talking of fireworks the ones in London wowzer! How stunning. When the clock struck 12 unexpectedly I felt a range of emotion's. Relief and sadness. Relief it was over the year from hell. I hate saying it was a bad year, because my little lottie was born and she has made my life. But the lows have been the lowest of my life. And I hope to god I never get like that again. A new year is all about looking forward, something I've not done for a long time. I'm thankful for the things I've learnt in 2018

1. Pregnancy isn't all mushy. Looking lovingly in your partners eyes feeling some special connection. Most of times you don't want them to even breath near you. Its not your husband spending hours rubbing you tummy and talking baby names. The reality is all you talk about is your bad back, and how its all their fault.
2. Labour is nothing like it looks on tv.
3. Depression is so much more than a word. Its an illness. That strips a person to nothing. And somehow mothers need to be made aware of the symptoms and the fact that this can happen to anybody.
4. Being a mother is everything. Its a love like no other, a challenge with a huge reward, the smiles over ride the screams and its not as hard as it looks.
5. How to get poo out carpets clothes, baths  and car seats.

2018 started on such a high. We had images of a perfect life we was going to welcome a baby. The year was going to be nothing but perfect? Sadly it didn't happen like that.
This year I have no expectations. No resolutions, what will be will be. I hope for happiness. But If it turns out i find myself in a dark place again this time I no happiness will come. And every time I look into lotties eyes I see why I battle on. Hopefully the battle is over, I feel better but I understand we never no what's round the corner. It wont be plain sailing this year I will probably come off the antidepressants maybe that will be tough. But bring it on. I'm stronger, and I'm ready for the fight against this illness. What scares me the most is when I am discharged from hopewood. The hospital I am under. This is going to break my heart. The people their are everything to me.
I hope to help others in 2019. But once again I'm not going to push for this, if it happens it happens. I hope my husband grows up a little. Sorry shaun but you gotta lay off the booze. No more drinking neat vodka like its lemonade. I also hope he remains the loving supporting husband he is and we can carry on supporting each other. I’m going to be honest this illness has made my relationship difficult at times. And it hasn’t gone back to the way it was. Easy and fun. I hope we can get back to that place.
First things first tho we need to take these Christmas decorations down! Including the tampon I put on the tree every year to celebrate the Christmas period. As soon as I'm better the decs are a goner. One thing I love about January is seeing all the random fairy lights people have left up. You put them up for Christmas and think "yano what they look so good I'm keeping them up all year!" You see them in peoples gardens or trailing up people stairs. Then it gets to like march and you realise how shit and random they actually look.
So put you best ugg forward peeps. New year new you. New gym membership? go once then sack it off! Stock the fridge with salad and let it go mouldy. Who cares what you do or don't do. The gym can wait the salad can rot. Lets try not to beat ourselves up for failing and praise ourselves to trying.
Here's to the last year in my 20's. ARGGGHHH. I really hope the wrinkles hold off a few more years! And if this blog makes no sense its because I'm high on codeine. And if you could see me my face is swollen like a beach ball and I sound like phil Mitchell.