I wanted a life but didn’t want to live

Here i am again sat scoffing my face. Last night I decided to do all my jobs so I could be lazy today. But lazy's a little boring, I've discovered. So I found new jobs to do. Like mop the floors. Which has needed doing for like a week because lottie likes to wee on the bathroom floor. I'm not sure about you but I have my daily jobs and I never have time to do all the other stuff like mop the floors and get the coffee stain out the carpet that I did like 2 weeks ago.
Little lottie who can now crawl may I add, is fast on. So its sofa dash time and this time my junk of choice was a cream egg. OMG did they get nicer this year? I want another one now but the kitchen floor is not dry yet!
Once she's awake, I think I'm going to go to the gym. Truth be told I only go these days when I need to refresh my  makeup routine. The BEAUTY of paying over the odds for my gym is I get a little tv screen when I go on certain machines.
So I take my headphones and watch makeup tutorials on youtube. While sitting on a bike. Because I'm going out for my birthday this weekend I need a few tutorial tips. The people on the treadmills behind me can clearly see what I'm watching. I tell myself they go home and try to master the smokey eye.
By the way I have new bedding! Its grey silk with diamantes on. 2 of the diamantes have fell off already but I'm ignoring that fact. I'm sure they will stick back on with a bit of nail glue.
In regards to my depression I've not really blogged about it for a while. The last time I did I told you the story about me cutting my feet open while trying to save barry the beetle and how it meant I couldn't walk around because to much pressure on the cuts could re open the wound. To catch up https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2019/01/its-999-time-again.html
On that blog I posted a video of shaun dragging me and lottie around the street on a sledge. My great idea because crutches drove me mad. The brainwaves didn't stop their either. I wanted a trip to meadow hall, but it was going to be impossible walking all the way round their. So guess what chaps, I hired a mobility scooter! Which was so much fun and was probably the first time I had laughed since becoming ill.
Being unable to walk did set me back, I was trapped in the house again, but this trip out really lifted my mood. I probably drove all the shoppers mad as the scooter was soooooo slow but me and shaun was having a giggle. Especially when I had to reverse out of a lift into a crowd of people and nearly mowed them all down. In my defence I was piping the hooter but to no avail. As always I got a little video of our day and I have posted it below.
During the drama with my feet, my appointments began with pony. These where so difficult sometimes. Going to the hospital was the only time I left the house. The appointments where intense, sometimes I couldn't even talk I would just cry and cry. I was upset about so much,

• the self harm thoughts was to intense
• I didn't believe I would get better and I couldn't understand this "illness"
• I was ashamed
• i remember one appointment I'm sure all i said was "this is to hard" "i  cant do this"
• i wanted a life but didn't want to live

The list is endless. And now whilst reflecting I'm getting upset again. Being sectioned was mentioned during some of the more intense appointments, but pony always managed to calm me down. And my meds was increased overtime.

 If i can offer any advice CRY! Once i started i felt id never stop. But you do and when you do you feel a little lighter. If you ever get to the point when you see a therapist. Be honest. I held nothing back. As difficult as it was to get the words out and admit some of the things whirling around in my head. The feeling when i was told "that's normal" was pure relief. I'm sorry i will never blog all the thoughts i had. For many reasons but if i have 1 suffering mum reading this, as extreme, awful and disturbing you think it is i bet your not alone!

After a while the appointments became easier. That's when i started to open my eyes to the world around me. I started chatting to the receptionists their and seeing the hospital for what a wonderful place it is. It stopped being a place off doom. I started feeling better, i began leaving the house with shaun. Doing everyday things. One day i even put lottie in her pushchair and went for a walk.....alone. I was terrified i remember standing at my front door thinking can i do this? am i safe to be on my own? will i leave lottie in some random place on her own, with the hope a better mum will find her? But once i took that first step i was off. i felt free even a little confident. Confident that i could be trusted.

Unfortunately after this high i began to fall again. Unexpectedly i was down again. I've now learnt that this is recovery. You don't just get better. Its a slow process full of highs and lows.

I'm off now to go to the gym to watch TV. The next few days i may be a little busy as its the death of my 20s tomorrow. Yes i turn 29.

It’s Britney baby

Shaun wants me to go help clean the kitchen but naaaah id rather chat to you guys about my bedding drama instead. I've emptied the bins and tied a condom to the bath room tap what more does he want? Yes you read that correct. I've used our last condom out the emergency stash to tie to our bathroom tap. Its being put to good use its full of white vinegar and is eroding lime scale.
About my bedding. I mentioned before that my last lot was diamante and shaun hated it because it was scratching on his face. So we had to ditch it and get another. Which I hated because it was to pateney. So we settled on a 3rd which was okay. It wasn't the £150 kylie minouge set that I originally wanted but it was nice enough. I've grown to like it and this morning the stitching has come undone and the pillowcase has a massive hole in. Today is operation buy new bedding....AGAIN! In 1 month this will be my 4th lot!
As mentioned yesterday I went out last night with mum, dad and shaun. I took them to a bar with a  hotdog stand in, you get free bags of popcorn and the walls are covered in AstroTurf. Mum was in her element and dad was way out his comfort zone. But after an overpriced pinacolada he was head-butting popcorn and sipping cocktails like he does is daily.
I think lottie missed us at bed time because shaun's mum called us and lottie was screaming the house down.  But by the time we got home she was fast on. We got home to a sleeping baby and a pile of shitty clothes what more could we ask for.
Since I told everyone about my blog being sent to NHS England my views have gone back up and the positivity has been amazing. Its crazy to hear strangers saying how much they enjoy reading about my life. And ive now reached over 7000 views.
One problem though. I get to see who is reading my blog and how they get directed to it. Do they click on a link via facebook or twitter ect. This morning I saw a new link Britney, now who ever you are Brittany I appreciate the support but I don't appreciate the bare ass and boobs I saw when I clicked the link!
Due to this I've tried to modify my setting, to prevent this happening again. So if you experience any issues, such as not being able to read my blog the same please message me.
So I'm of now to buy my new bedding and a doormat cyaaaaa.
P.S Britney piss off!

QUICK.....grab the cake

Anyone else's child goes down for a nap, and its tools down panic station get the kettle on and grab a cake or anything carb loaded and run for the sofa? I mean you need to spend that half an hour indulging in a cup of coffee. It doesn't matter if you was half way through cleaning the nappy bin or sorting the washing its go go gadget show, this is your half an hour of you time.
I used to get the same feeling when I was in a club on the loo and my favourite song came on. You HAVE to get to that dance floor pronto. Then the song finishes your on the dance floor you've lost your friends, you have someone else's drink and a wedgie. But no panic because you made it for the last chorus of single ladys! Maybe that was prep for the sofa dash! Anyway I've made it I have my feet up and a coffee, my cakes a little hard as I didn't get chance to eat it yesterday. But who cares!?
How has lottie got to 8 month old and i've only just discovered the beauty of a comforter. In the form of a teddy. She has them in her bedroom but only yesterday did I think to pass her one while she took her nap. Today I've noticed the benefit. When I put her in her cot with a little teddy she didn't even notice when I left the room, and when I went back 10 minutes later she was fast on cuddling her new little friend!
That's not the only good thing that has happened today. I've had the best news ever. I got a call this morning from the hospital. Confused I answered and it was my nurse lisa. I've spoke about lisa in previous blogs. She is the lady that helps me deal with my thoughts ect. And has made a massive positive impact on how I deal with them.
Well she called to explain, she has to send a report to the nhs England, every 3 months. Showing how the work done at hopewood benefits people. And she wanted my permission to use my blog in her report. YES my blog unedited swear words included haha! I was literally like lisa are you sure its your job on the line lol.
Lets hope who ever reads it can laugh along, at this crazy chapter of my life. Just the titles alone  are a little tong  in cheek I mean, pissing in the wing, feeling frisky and shit sandwich. But they are all real I wrote them thinking it would only be me and my mum reading them lol.
The blogs being used for the time being are https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/meet-pony-my-personmy-hardest-blog-so.html
https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/you-get-to-meet-person-behind-screen-i.html and another but I cant remember which.
The good news didn't stop their (argh ive gone in to hard with the cake and I feel sick now). Get ready for THIS! I cant even believe I'm saying this. But lisa wants me to sit in on interviews taking place at the hospital. Like real people, real questions, a real job! And I'm going to help select who gets employed!
I think my input will be useful as the chosen candidate will be working with family's that are suffering like I did. They will be going to their houses and I've been that person. I've had a stranger knock on my door, let them in not only to my house but my world. My scary world. And it takes a special person to be able to do this. And I will be helping find them! I cant wait and by choosing this person think how many people it will hopefully benefit. I feel this dark time in my life is going to bring so much light to other peoples. Lisa mentioned in our conversation that my story is a success story. These words make me so proud.
Anyway I'm off now to singalong at the library. I'm going to walk their to heopfully burn off a little of this cake. Which has left me feeling nausea so I'm hoping the  fresh air will help. Have a good weekend I'm off into town tomorrow with my mum, dad and shaun. Its cocktail time to celebrate mine and mums birthday. Dad doesn't know we are going to be sipping pornstar martinis in some quirky bar surrounded by fairy lights and funky chandeliers, he thinks we are going to slurp some pints in yates. Speak soon :)
P.s I just got back from singalong and it’s on Thursdays! It’s friday today why did I go today I’ve been so many times on a Thursday! So we went to the park instead:)

Shit sandwich anyone?

ARGHH I'm up to my limit right now. I'm currently laid on my bed in the dark with my candle lit that smells like fresh air, shoving maltesers in my mouth 4 at a time whilst drinking ovaltene, that should be made out off milk but I couldn't be arsed, so made it with water instead and it tastes like ass. So here I am sat pretending their isn't a sink full of pots, spag bol all over the cooker and a washer that needs emptying.
I started the day with the shakes and it looks like I'm ending it that way to. Let me start from the beginning. I had my appointment yesterday with pony. The decision has been made to reduce my sertraline back down to 50mg. This is the dose which I started on. Compared to the dose I have been taking its very low. And I hope it doesn't effect me, mainly because its my birthday in 8 days! My last year in my 20's. I feel you 29th should be celebrated more than your 30th. I don't want to celebrate being 30! I wont like being 30! I already no I wont like being 30. 30 is the birthday for a surprise party, and flash gifts. But I want 29 to be the special one. So if anyone wants to plan me a surprise party text me. Ill send you all the deets, who I want their, what date works for me ect. I know its a surprise but its still got to be good. So I will tell you the vital info.
Anyway back to my hospital trip. I've now started to dislike my appointments. Because going to the hospital seems to give my depression a nudge. Part of me wants to go, as I love everyone I see there. Everyone is so warm and friendly. We walk in and they take lottie for cuddles and feed us up with biscuits and cake! But sadly true to form today my depressions seems to have woke up. It seems I get a high whilst at the hospital, having a giggle and a catch up. But I come home and the next day is pants. (Shit I just had my last malteser! HELP).
I've been on antibiotics recently to help with a sinus infection. Which had settled down, but last night I felt like id been hit in the face with a shovel and didn't feel much better this morning. Getting out of bed was an effort, which I'm unsure is due to my trip to the hospital, my infection or just the fact I'm a lazy piglet.
Once I had dragged myself up, I splashed my face with cold water and got on with mummy duties. I had a trip into town arranged with my mum and after snuggling lottie on the  sofa for to long, whilst watching holly and phil give a dog a massage on This Morning I was running late. So it was a mad rush getting ready. Since I've recovered I hate rushing. As it takes me back to when I had depression bad and was rushing around like mad, running from my mind. But it was my own fault as you can imagine ITVs this morning is gripping tv!
Once in town I was hoping a little retail therapy and a laugh with my mum would soon have me forgetting about my worrys. WRONG! Things just went from bad to worse. The first hour or so was fine. We went for some lunch, but once we got into the swing of spending it went down hill. Firstly my bank card got declined and I had no signal to transfer money from my other bank account! Then I got a call from shaun, telling me id taken a bag with me that he needed. So the plan was to meet him at the car park where id parked. So we had to dash to the checkout and pay. Whilst faffing shaun called me back. He was pulled up next to my car, and I had a parking ticket!!!!!! Whilst he was going on about this I told mum id meet her at the shop exit and made my way out the shop.
I explained to shaun, id defiantly paid for a ticket. 100% because id seen the warden whilst doing so and remember giving him a smug grin whilst I was buying it and giving him the middle finger when he turned his back! When the conversation ended I realised mum had been taking a while. So I walked back to the checkout where id left her. But she had gone! When I called her I heard her phone ring. And let out a sigh of relief. She cant be far I thought. Then I realised the sound was coming from under the pushchair. Id got her bloody phone. So it was hunt down mum time. Up and down the shop I walked. Which was empty and I'm sure I looked like a total shop lifter. Because clearly I wasn't buying anything. And I was starting to get all hot and flustered walking at such speed inside whilst wearing my big coat.
After hunting high and low and getting more and more anxious I decided to walk back to the car and hope she was their. Once at the car park I was relived to see her little blonde bob poking over the roof of my car. All we had to do now was load the car and drive home. But nothing is ever that simple. Somehow the car boot had shrunk and the pushchair wouldn't fit in. So this took me agers. Then lottie started crying. Like proper loud I'm in pain crying. So I had no choice but to pull up on double yellows and check she was ok. Resulting in me standing at the side of the road cuddling her freezing and getting funny looks.
Once calm I put her back. Just for me to drive off and her start again. She had me fooled the little madam did. I'm not a fussy mum. I know her cry. She has a real cry and a mardy cry. A mardy I want attention cry. But this time it felt like something was genuinely bothering her. So instead of dropping mum off at her house, she decided to sit in the back of the car with lottie with the hope it will calm her down. As soon as my mum sat on the back seat and held her hand she was silent as a mouse.
Thank god mum came home with me or she would have screamed and screamed all the way to mine. Once lottie was home and settled shaun took my mum home. But guess what id lost the car keys! DAYYYYM.
Yesterday I sat and thought. My life's to boring to blog. Now I'm almost at the end of my story about depression I have nothing to blog about. But today has proved me wrong. Maybe their will always be a story. I'm just a walking drama?

Also I'm pretty miffed because i've set up bird feeders on my garden. Which wasn't easy (I'm not the tree climbing type). I've added a like to my Instagram video to show you the blood sweat and tears that went into this! https://www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3OTc2MTExNDIxMTk5Njc4/And ive not had a single bird. I had more birds before I had the feeders. I think I've scared them away. They fly and hover over but my 69p pound stretcher seed clearly isn't good enough. Saying that the birds round my way would probably appreciate a fag nub more.
I’m off to top my day off in my now lukewarm bath!
 Chat soon sexpots. Keep smiling!

A throwback to my hen nights!

Now I'm not one for dishing out the parenting advice I don't give it and I don't take it. I think its best to wing it. Then when you fuck up you only have yourself to blame, and when your bossing it you can take all the praise. And theirs nothing worse than someone telling you how perfect they are and how there way is the only way. Its a load of crap. What I've done is go of my instinct, learnt from my mistakes, and just pretend I no what the hell I'm doing. When deep down I have no clue. Yes I've made mistakes, I've forgot to pack a spare bottle, forgot to check the temperature of food and she's ate glitter. But lottie is fine, I have a perfect little happy girl. We learn  from each other every day.
One thing I will say to all the mums and dads to be out their. GET 2 CAR SEATS! One for each car! Because if hubby goes to work with your only car seat your day is OVER! That's the reason I'm sat here now with my lashes on suited and booted ready for a baby class. I'd gone to put all the shit you have to heap about when you have a baby, in the car. And waaallaaaa no car seat! So here I am blogging to pass the time.
Yesterday I was back at the hospital to see the lovely lisa my nurse. As you may be aware I had started counting down the days. I arrived to a warm welcome from all the girls and  a cup of coffee ready and waiting on the side. It was great to catch up, but I must admit I feel worse.
I've had a long gap between appointments and I feel going back has just opened my doors to depression, it reminded me I'm not well. Last night I had the worst nightmares and I clung on to shaun when he was getting up to leave for work. I didn't want to be alone and I could here a strange noise and felt someone or something was coming to get me. I have not felt like this in such a long time. And I feel going back to the hospital has woke my depression back up. Also I recognised this morning when I have a bad dream. I sit and try to remember what the dream was about.
I'm back at the hospital again on Monday and I'm going to ask, because I'm sure me looking back at what I feel is such a bad dream. And trying to recognise what happened is toxic. Its my depression clinging on to something that I no will bring me down. So as I sat on the edge of the bed staring out the window at 5am this morning, as much as my mind wanted to wonder back into that negative dream I tried to prevent it. Prevent the negativity that my depression feeds off.
So yes I'm back to the hospital this time to see my doctor. Again I'm looking forward to the catch up. See what pony got for Christmas. Maybe a multi pack of bobbles. Its crazy even my mum calls her pony now. And the funny thing is she doesn't even always have a ponytail. If you reading this and thinking who the hell is pony check out this blog. https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/meet-pony-my-personmy-hardest-blog-so.html Done 
After my trip to the hospital I sat and updated my scrap book. I'm very behind on it because so much has gone off in the last year or so. Lat night it was time to stick all the bits in from my many hen dos. I had like 6! The first being on a Friday night. I got home from work and my little flat had been totally changed into a penis paradise. My bridesmaids had totally pimped it. Think 5ft blow up willy and a blow up doll with shauns face on.
They had gone to so much effort, setting up little stations. Like the kiss the miss corner where you pop on some bright lippy, kiss a big sheet of paper and sign your name. We had a station that you write a letter to me. Which was super cute as I got to read them all back after. They had set up a jar so people could suggest date nights. We played games. Like bra pong which was a board with loads of my mates bras stapled to it (by her father in law may I add). And you try and pong a ball into the breast cup. Another game involved wearing a massive plastic willy on your head and having to catch hoops on it. Never in my life did I think I would ever see my mum throwing a mini hoop at my auntie to catch with the plastic willy she had attached to her forehead.
The best game of all. Was mr and mrs. My bridesmaid Tasha had snuck round my house while I was out and interviewed shaun whilst videoing the whole thing. The video was played to me on my hen night and I had to guess what his answer was. I must say i hardly got any correct. But the room full of my family and friends new them all. Like for example the question, what do you argue about the most? I answered money. Yet all the hens was saying "asif its football"
"chels come on your always moaning about his football"
"chels you almost broke off the wedding last week because he chose football over sexy time"
Ok the 3rd one is a lie but that's how bad it can get lol. Well my answer was incorrect and obviously shaun had said we argue most about football. This game proved a very good lesson to me. I clearly talk about me and shaun all the time. For my family and friends to know all the answers and me to get them incorrect.
Please also bare in mind I had to answer these questions in front of his mum and my family.  One of them being what's your most embarrassing moment. I totally played down my answer and prayed to god shaun didn't say what I was thinking in my mind. As I sat their with a red face praying to god. The girls pressed play and shaun told the whole room the most embarrassing story EVER! I'm not going to tell you what it is. Unless my blog gets a million views! And for the few that do now ill say 2 words. BED SOCKS!
So after my night of fun and embarrassment. It was sleep over time with the girls. And an early rise ready for a mystery trip. So up we got at the crack of dawn with our blow up shaun, 5ft penis and willy confetti we was off. To destination NEWCASTLE! Where the surprises just kept on coming
We got to our apartment first which was AMAZING! With 2 bedrooms. 2 bathrooms and thank god enough mirrors for us all to be able to glam up without having to fight for the mirror. They had planned every detail and we was running on a schedule. Me and schedules don't go well together. So it was a case of them just frog marching me around,
Our first stop being for diner and cocktails. Now I'm a fussy eater. And the girls had researched the perfect restaurant.. We ate our lunch sat on wooden swings laughing about the mysteries yet to come. After lunch it was back to the apartment to get super glam for a night on the town. Id brought the perfect dress. Well actually id brought about 20 but eventually I settled on a beige backless number. And all the girls wore black so I stood out. Whilst we was enjoying our pre drinks we got a knock at the door. It was shauns sister Kelly. EEEEEEEEEKKKK!
Then the taxi came and took us all into town. Even the taxi ride was hilarious. We had an African guy who thought my redition of beyonce was spot on. Truth be told I was probably giving him a headache and I had threatened him with violence if he told me otherwise. Once dropped off (or kicked out) the taxi we was in the bar.After a few drinks I was then led onto a double decker big red party bus.
Which drove us round Newcastle dropping us off at different bars. And waited for us whilst we boogied on down and had a few shots. Then it was back on the bus With the disco lights on and the dj blaring the tunes, while we drank our bottle of vodka spilling it whilst slut dropping to Justin beiber and whizzing  round roundabouts. Have you ever tried to slut drop, on a bus whilst holding your drink, in huge heels and singing without falling over. Let me tell you its impossible.
During one of our pit stops. The girls handed out lace facemasks to me and the hens. Mine was a white one and they all wore black. All of a sudden I wasn't sure if I was seeing double or had I gained 2 new hens? After looking at the eyes behind the black lace mask. I let out the loudest scream, realising it was my collage friend from back home!
I've never been on such an high or felt so loved. Even the fact a lost my hearing aid in the club didn't dull my night. A guy came over probably hoping for a cheeky flirt and ended up searching the floor for my hearing aid!
The hen dos didn't stop here. A few weeks after I went on to do pretty muddy to raise money for cancer. Where I wore a veil and my 2 bridesmaids wore flashing tiaras. We was head to toe in mud and after we realised id split my trousers. So whilst commando crawling and climbing high fences people could probably see my G-string and bare white ass cheeks!
Then my work friends supprised me with a meal at an Italian. And then one random Wednesday night Tasha told me we was off to see a medium. I couldn't wait I love things like this. Only we got to the pub and all the girls in my family was sat round a table. Mum had arranged a cute meal. This was my nans first hen at the age of 82. Luckily their was no plastic or inflatable penis involved this time. Oh how I wish I could do it all again. Hope you have enjoyed reading this one. I’ve made a little video so you can get a glimpse of how much fun I had. And you better enjoy it because its took me all day to make and upload.

its 999 time again!

Another day spent in my PJs drowsy on the sofa. I'm still little miss snot face. So I don't have much to say about what I have been up to. I'm back at the hospital  tomorrow for my first appointment in agers. I cant wait to have a catch up with all the girls their. But I don't really have much to talk about in regards to my mental health as I have felt ok recently. Lottie is still being a dream. How can she be so lazy i had to wake her up this morning at 10.30. She would sleep all day if i let her. The fact she wakes up and puts her own dummy back in never fails to amaze me.
Shaun returned to work today after 2 weeks off. He's taken charge whilst off work. Doing most of the feeds and nappies. I've taken a back seat and let him get on with it. Its nice for them to have daddy daughter time.
So today i felt like its my first day back at work also. But we soon got into the swing of it. Part of me couldn't wait for him to start back to work. I like the routine me and lottie have and i seem to get more done when i am on myself.
Shaun can be a little distracting when he's constantly got the horn on (feeling horny) and needs about 5 meals a day! Talking of the horn , i am having the most random dreams and apparently I've been talking in my sleep. Saying the moat embarrassing things apparently last night i shouted "SUCK MY FUCKING TIT"! How awkward imagine if i woke up and shaun had his face under my top. Id be like what you doing you pervert?!
Anyway as mentioned in my blog about me preforming CPR. I was pumping on the lady's chest so hard i got a trapped nerve! Which at time left me unable to move. To the point i got stuck on the floor during my yoga class, how awkward.
Well it was getting worse and worse. Until one day i got down on the floor to tend to lottie and could not move. Shaun tried to help but the slightest nudge would have me in agony. Screaming with a screwed up face like a bulldog. #screwface
Breathing was hurting and all i could think to do was call 999. The ambulance came, thank god it was 2 women as i was only in my bra. For some reason shaun thought it was hilarious and i was just being a massive drama queen. And readers if you laugh i will know and i wll find you. This was not funny. It was agony.
To get me to move they got me on the gas and air. And i was driven to a&e where i was treated with pain relief. And with rest gradually my back got better. I honest thought i was having a heart attack or something.
Anyway lets go back to when i was chatting about me starting to have time on my own. When shaun returned to work, days after my self diagnosed heart attack, my neice came and stayed over. Shes a teenager, and was and still is unaware that I am ill. She is  a breath off fresh air. We always have fun and this time was no different.
When it was time for to go home i was a little upset. And for a short period off time I was going to be alone. Just an hour or so. But I was fine with it. I felt ok, and reassured everyone that i trusted myself to be alone.
After my neice left, 5 minutes if not less and i had to call for help as I managed to cut myself and I was having to stand outside to prevent turning my cream carpet red. What had happened was. Id had a massive rain beetle which id named barry dyeing on my patio for like a week. Everyday I opened the curtains their he was bless him stuck on his back legs in the air fighting for his life. So off out id go with my little stick give him a poke onto his front and set him on his merry way. But he just kept coming back. Someone suggested maybe he needed rain. We had not had any rain for a while so while my neice was over we got a glass of water and soaked him in it.
Then it was time for my neice to go home and I thought nothing else about the glass we had left on the patio until I stepped on it sqaused barry and shattered the glass cutting my foot open.
This then led to me calling my dad and asking him to drive over as quick as he can because I had left lottie in the living room and couldn't go back inside because my foot was leaking all over. Luckily i could see her and she was fast asleep. So their I stood like a flamingo (they stand on 1 leg right?) for about 45 minutes waiting to be rescued.
Once dad arrived at the back gate he shouted "I'm here" to which I screamed
"argggggghhhhhh ive done it again"
Id only gone and stepped forward with my good foot and stood on the shattered pile of glass and cut my other foot open! You couldn't make it up! Mum came round the corner and almost vommed when she saw all the blood and dad had me sat down on a plastic deck chair in no time. After examining BOTH feet he told me it wasn't that bad. But then I caught a glimpse of it in the relection from the patio door. And I saw it was a total mess.
Shaun was called home from work whilst me and dad laughed it off and mum sat staring at me suspiciously. She later admitted she thought it was an attempt to self harm. She couldn't understand why I was laughing when my feet was in a state. The truth is who wouldn't laugh, id been trying to save a beetles life for a week and I just killed it and cut my feet open, id cut both my feet open at different times on the same piece of glass and I had no feeling in my feet.
When shaun got home from work he had a face like thunder.I think by this point he had had enough. In such a short space of time he had had to dash home for a fire, then I was in a&e after my meltdown, then because i thought id broke my back  and now he had returned home to my feet wrapped in dripping tea towels sat on the back garden freezing. He new it wasn't my fault but I couldn't help feeling guilty. He got in he didn't talk to me or ask me if I was ok he was just on auto pilot.
From here my parents took lottie home with them and it was a&e for the night for me and shaun. Everyone was staring at me because i was walking like such an idiot, leaving bloody footprints. My fluffly pink flip flops had to go in the bin!
And it was stiches in BOTH feet for me. With the help of gas and air. Which makes you hallucinate. And what i was imagining wasn't good. I imagined being back in labour, preforming mouth to mouth and cpr, i also imagined i was dying. Which was surreal and part of me still thinks i was dying. Every breath i took i lost a little more life to the point where i only had a little life left and i was just drifting away.
Shaun had noticed my eyes had gone into my head and the doctor told him to remove the pipe from my mouth. From this point i felt like i was slowly retuning back in the room. And was starting to take large breaths and with each one life was returning. I just kept thinking keep breathing, breath for lottie breath for Shaun until all the life had returned in me.
I woke up like what the fuck just happened, am i alive? The doctor explained what had happened and of i hobbled back home. Where i couldn't walk, lift lottie and had to use crutches. Luckily i remembered i had a sledge on the back garden so i got shuan to drag me and lottie around on it. Warning don’t try this at home it haven me friction burn on my bum (asif things wasn’t bad enough) I've uploaded a video i took at the time to make you smile. My ideas of transportation just got better and better I’ll share more in my next blog. Put it this way ain’t no stitches stopping this hunny shopping.
One last thing i see i have more than 100 views on my blogs but only 12 followers who i like to call me 'side chicks'. Please can you follow my blog :) Chat soon i hope day 2 of your new year has
 been good. And you haven't given up on you resolutions just yet. I'm leaving the house amd removing my pjs for the first time all year tomorrow! I just love the all year joke. I drive shaun mad with them, he's had to hear them all year....

1.1.19

Guess what? I got some ugg boots! We took a trip to York outlet on sunday. I've been to most outlets. My fave is bichester village but you need lots of money for the likes of jimmy choo, Vivienne westwood, prada and stella McCartney, so unless you have plenty of cash or you love to dream about having it go to this outlet.
Sunday was the first time i've visited the York outlet. And I must say its brill. All my fave shops under one roof! Swarovski, ted baker, dune and obviously the works. Who doesn't love new post it notes and gel pens!
So now I have the uggs I need a bag to match. Brown tan if the birthday fairy is reading this. I may sound like I have a shopping problem but I'm making up for lost time. While I was depressed I wouldn't even bye myself and sandwich never mind indulge. I didn't feel like I deserved nice things. So for now if I want it I'm going to buy it.
I don't know if you remember me saying I felt like I had the onset of ebola, after a trip to the doctors yesterday it turns out I have sinusitis. So I'm sat here floating from the effects of painkillers and wrapped in a blanket.
I spent new years eve with my head over a bowl of steam. And then Lottie took a poop in the bath! In regards to my doctors appointment can you belive shaun took a trip down to the doctors to make the appointment, got home told me I had to be their at 4.45. I told him I was taking a little nap and to wake me up at 4, the next thing I wake up and it 4.45. So I ask shaun "why didn't you wake me up?"
he just looks at me confused "what for?"
"the doctors appointment"
"oh shit yeah I forgot about that"
How can you make an appointment and forget it in the same day? But anyway no harm done I managed to get seen. Thank god because the pain in my face is to much. At times I just feel like hitting my head against a wall. Extreme I know!
So new years eve was a quiet one for us, I say quiet if you don't include the dickhead letting fireworks off at 2am! Thank god they stopped when they did because I was close to going round in my mermaid pyjamas and ramming a firework up their arse!

Talking of fireworks the ones in London wowzer! How stunning. When the clock struck 12 unexpectedly I felt a range of emotion's. Relief and sadness. Relief it was over the year from hell. I hate saying it was a bad year, because my little lottie was born and she has made my life. But the lows have been the lowest of my life. And I hope to god I never get like that again. A new year is all about looking forward, something I've not done for a long time. I'm thankful for the things I've learnt in 2018

1. Pregnancy isn't all mushy. Looking lovingly in your partners eyes feeling some special connection. Most of times you don't want them to even breath near you. Its not your husband spending hours rubbing you tummy and talking baby names. The reality is all you talk about is your bad back, and how its all their fault.
2. Labour is nothing like it looks on tv.
3. Depression is so much more than a word. Its an illness. That strips a person to nothing. And somehow mothers need to be made aware of the symptoms and the fact that this can happen to anybody.
4. Being a mother is everything. Its a love like no other, a challenge with a huge reward, the smiles over ride the screams and its not as hard as it looks.
5. How to get poo out carpets clothes, baths  and car seats.

2018 started on such a high. We had images of a perfect life we was going to welcome a baby. The year was going to be nothing but perfect? Sadly it didn't happen like that.
This year I have no expectations. No resolutions, what will be will be. I hope for happiness. But If it turns out i find myself in a dark place again this time I no happiness will come. And every time I look into lotties eyes I see why I battle on. Hopefully the battle is over, I feel better but I understand we never no what's round the corner. It wont be plain sailing this year I will probably come off the antidepressants maybe that will be tough. But bring it on. I'm stronger, and I'm ready for the fight against this illness. What scares me the most is when I am discharged from hopewood. The hospital I am under. This is going to break my heart. The people their are everything to me.
I hope to help others in 2019. But once again I'm not going to push for this, if it happens it happens. I hope my husband grows up a little. Sorry shaun but you gotta lay off the booze. No more drinking neat vodka like its lemonade. I also hope he remains the loving supporting husband he is and we can carry on supporting each other. I’m going to be honest this illness has made my relationship difficult at times. And it hasn’t gone back to the way it was. Easy and fun. I hope we can get back to that place.
First things first tho we need to take these Christmas decorations down! Including the tampon I put on the tree every year to celebrate the Christmas period. As soon as I'm better the decs are a goner. One thing I love about January is seeing all the random fairy lights people have left up. You put them up for Christmas and think "yano what they look so good I'm keeping them up all year!" You see them in peoples gardens or trailing up people stairs. Then it gets to like march and you realise how shit and random they actually look.
So put you best ugg forward peeps. New year new you. New gym membership? go once then sack it off! Stock the fridge with salad and let it go mouldy. Who cares what you do or don't do. The gym can wait the salad can rot. Lets try not to beat ourselves up for failing and praise ourselves to trying.
Here's to the last year in my 20's. ARGGGHHH. I really hope the wrinkles hold off a few more years! And if this blog makes no sense its because I'm high on codeine. And if you could see me my face is swollen like a beach ball and I sound like phil Mitchell.