Its all one big car crash

Thank god I have this little ray of sunshine in my life my lottie, because everything else in my life is going south, or west I dunno which ever way is down. Something good happens followed by 3 negative things.
Let me start with the positive. The interviews. Wow I was so nervous. When I dropped lottie of in the morning, as I drove away I took a minute and was like, hang on I am actually doing this.....ALONE. I am driving to notts city centre ALONE I don't even lottie to cling onto. Who gives me confidence and helps give me a push when needed.
On the drive over I'm sure my saliva was coming out the palms have my hands. I had the driest mouth the sweatiest hands and my antiperspirant was having to work double time. To calm my nerves the music of choice was celine dion I needed girl power and the words of a strong influential women (fucking hell that sounds posh).
Once at the hospital I sat in the car and rang my mum wanting her to agree that I should just go home. She didn't agree, telling me to get a grip. Mum I couldn't get a grip the steering wheel with these palms.
If I no I will be in a difficult situation I will wear the brightest clothes I can find, hence the orange coat. Well this time I went with bright orange tailored trousers. I think I do this as I feel the clothes will deflect from my shit scared looking face.
The lady's joining me to interviews where called Lisa and Megan. Lisa was running the show and I begged her to let me just sit in and not ask questions, but just like my mum it was no. ARGGGHHH. I had no way of getting out of this. And the fact the thong that was supposed to make me feel super sassy, was giving me an extreme wedgie wasn't helping.
So here goes the first lady arrives, as she walks closer and closer to the door my hearts starting to beat faster and faster with each step she takes. She steps in the room..........im calm. All my nerves just disappear, my smile suddenly becomes natural and the feeling I need a nervous poop just gone, I'm ready.
Guys no shit It was like I was a new women, a real I wear matching undies and have my shit together women. No faking it. I was professional I introduced myself and asked questions like I did this everyday.
All signs of the girl that sat in that very same room, in that very same chair saying she can no longer go on gone. In her place a confident and bright lady who is going to help choose a nurse that will go on to help thousands of mother and babies. The questions I asked wasn't your everyday interview question they was intense questions that required answers about suicide and child abuse.
I finished the day with a spring in my step. Id taken off my bra as soon as the last interview had finished and set free the bit of string wedged up my ass. Could life get any better? The feeling I had I wish I could bottle up and save, or buy it in b&m. As sadly it didn't last forever, not even 24 hours.
In my last blog I told you how I had driven into a parked car on Monday and the next day it just decided to stop working when I left for work. And it left me feeling like I wanted to smash the heap of shit up.
The only place for it is the scrap yard, so I may be able to boot it after all. So we was left with just 1 car. Friday comes around, which compared to last Friday when I had food poising it was going to be a good day. Lottie was dropped off at nursery me and shaun even managed a little "adult" time.
He was dropping me off at work early Friday afternoon. We drive around the corner and BANG! We have a car accident. In our 1 remaining car. While shauns taking the ladys details and people are getting involved telling us to call the police I'm just sat in the car feeling deflated. How can I possibly call work and tell them this has just happened. This is a new job in the space of just 1 week I've been late so many times. Its at the stage where its awkward.
But the fact my car head light is hanging out, I have a hole in my bumper that I can put my hand in and I'm in tears helps me prove my case. Lucky for me my new work friends and boss are so understanding and really helped me deal with this shit situation. They already no the way to my heart, a cup of coffee, a doughnut and a chat about makeup soon dries up my tears. SO that sums up my crappy Friday.
I don't no how i've made it to Saturday, sadly its no better than yesterday. I have the bum squirts yet again and my little rabbit dusty has been to the vets and has to have an operation later in the week.
While all this crazy has been going on I have missed my little girl so so much. She's clearly missed me also. NOT. She has slept all day, she woke up at 8am had a bottle went back to bed slept till 12pm had a meal and a bottle went back to bed its now 3pm and she is STILL in bed. Wake up I miss you.
My plans for this week. I was supposed to be going out for a few drinks tonight, I'm all prepared I have a new outfit and been to the hairdressers and now I'm not even going out. So shaving my legs was a total waste of time #hatemylife
I've been asked to go to the hospital on Tuesday and interview some more candidates. Obviously I said yes. I'm super exited. I've also had the go ahead to kick my crap car so I will be sure to update you on this.
Shaun has just asked me why I don't VLOG. If you don't no what this is basically instead of typing out how you feel you video it instead. Let me be honest why I  wont vlog. Its because id have to get
ready each time I cant just sit with crisp on my top, bed hair and no makeup on like I can when I blog. Also id have to sit in a way that compliments my double chin(s) pffft no thanks. Nobody wants to see this on a weekly basis.
Here's to a better week.

The day before THE day

Just thought I would give my faves people an update on my week. Its just one of them weeks where the world is against you. It all started Monday when I drove into a parked car oooops! Totally my fault and the first time I've ever done anything like that. I was only nipping out to get some coat hangers, and the worst bit about it was I had to knock on the strangers door and explain id scratched the car. I didn't no who was going to answer the door, if I was gunna get a slap or what. Luckily they was understanding. Safe to say I still need some coat hangers.
Then Tuesday all was running smooth I had lost 1lb. I was on time to work a change leaving the house at 7.30am picking my mum up and bringing her to my house. Only when I went to drive from my house to work, the car wouldn't start.
I'm sure my new boss thinks I make shit up in order to have a lie in. But no the cars a heap of crap and I hate it. Since my drama in the car with the bridge ect I hate driving and things like this don't help, remember a few month ago I broke down alone in the dark. Is this a sign to do a prince phillip and give up?
Today I have been at work in the morning and then had plans to take lottie to stay and play. Guess what? I rush a round, get there and its not on because its half term. Does anyone else feel they are peddling a bike but not moving? Im trying not to loose my shit, and do a Britney 2007 style, shave my hair off and take an umbrella to my shit car.
Luckily my mind has been totally depression free. And the fact I feel annoyed is actually a good thing. Its good to have feelings and emotions back. The good and the bad. Id rather feel like this than the numbness that you live with when depressed. When you hear about a death you don't feel empathy, when you are told a joke it doesn't make you giggle.
I've also been having nice dreams, about us buying our first family home and random stuff like last night I dreamt I was having swimming lessons. Going forward I hope this continues as I have so much stuff to look forward to.
Like tomorrow, the big day has come. I get to interview nurses that will be working at the hospital. I get to ask 3 questions some of which are my own. I was sent a list of set questions that I could alter if the question was appropriate. And when I put my idea forward it was greatly accepted and I was highly praised for it. That's the reason I was asked to help, because as a women who has lived with depression, I may ask think of questions your everyday person would never think to ask. And that was the case with this particular question. They have scrapped a question that a professional has come up with and used mine, which I'm really proud of. I'm unsure if I can write details about the interview but I will ask tomorrow.
I must admit I'm nervous. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. I just no its got to be sweat patch proof. Because I sweat buckets when I'm nervous. And I must admit I'm feeling the orange coat. And 100% a thong because they make me feel like I can take on the world. My pants have different jobs. My maternity pants give me a hug, thongs give me sass and G-strings......... ok I'm gunna be honest......they hurt my post pregnancy piles. Which I like to call the PPPs.
Yesterday I told my new work friends a little about my depression. I didn't go into much detail but just gave them an idea about what things have been like for me recently. The reason I haven't told them to much is because I think it is a shocking story and a little intense. As time goes on they may ask questions but that's up to them and id be more than happy to share.
To be fair as I was telling them I tried to play it down a little because it all sounds a little like bullshit. Over the past few weeks they have found out that in the space of a year I've moved house, had 2 fires set on my back garden, had an attempted break in, met celebrity's, mayors, MBEs, been on the radio, been on tv and set up a blog that's now had 10,000 views in lots of different countries. Bet they think righto.
So I'm having an early night tonight. Firstly because while I'm asleep I don't think about food and the other reason is because I have my big day tomorrow and want to bring my a game. My professional I wear matching underwear and never leave the house in my pjs self.
I hope you are still enjoying my blogs and they are not getting boring now I'm not having a breakdown every other day. Also I have been wondering why you all hadn't been replying to my silly questions, and why all the lovely comments had stopped. ERM id turned off "allow comments". Wooops.
Night x

Call the love doctor

How has it been a week almost since I last blogged. Don't worry I'm not loosing interest I just haven't had time and I've been so fucking hungry I was scared id eat the laptop. Weight watchers has me starving marving.
Let me update you on my week. I have been feeling really good. I told you in my last blog I had an appointment with my nurse for the final time. Well guess what, she cancelled as she had to take a day of work. To be honest I just think she cant let go lol. But I will be seeing her next week as I have a big day coming up. Its interview time. The time is nearly here when I get to help interview applicants for a job as a nursery nurse at the hospital. How have I still got an outfit? Do I go all in black to give of a professional vibe, or keep it casual giving of a friendly I still wear my maternity pants vibe. Trouser suit or tracksuit decisions decisions.
Tuesday and Wednesday was work time. And Thursday valentines day. Which literally left me needing to call the love doctor, I took lottie to her first water babys swimming lesson. If you have an opportunity to take your child to these classes do it! It was our first class and already she was holding onto the side of the pool on her own and enjoying having her head under water,
From now on I am going to try and go with another adult. Alone it was just to stressful. Due to the fact the changing areas are crap. Basically you all just have to get naked in 1 big room and I'm sure someone's husband seen my boob. I Pray to god it was my nice boob. I dunno about you but I have one nicer boob, the other one is just how do I put it....awkward, its like the ugly twin.
Once we was done and the twins where safetly tucked in their hammock we had a date with mr lover lover aka shaun. He took us for afternoon tea and if you hadn't gathered already this is my fave thing to do. So I gave weight watchers a kick and went wild. Not that it mattered, yes that's right I was to see this afternoon tea again. As I was left with food poisoning. TYPICAL.
We got in from what we thought was a lovely lunch had a few drinks and played couples trivia. That's when things started to go down hill. The least romantic person ever made this game. It was a valentines special so you didn't expect questions about previous partners, and what does the other person do to piss you off.
Once in bed the real fun began. And my knickers was up and down for all the wrong reasons. I had the runs. BAD! So bad I sat on the loo crying to shaun telling him I felt like I was in labour. No joke I did a mental check to see if their was any way I could be 9 months pregnant and unaware. You do hear of these things don't you. When I realised it wasn't I baby I was certain it was death. Even my finger hurt.
Since then I have found out the restaurant we went to had recently had the food hygiene rating dropped from a 5 to a 1! And I wasn't the only one left with ring sting. I am thinking of asking for a refund, not only for the food but also my white fluffy Disney pjs.
But like the true trooper I am I still got up and went to work on Friday. And lottie went to nursery. She really likes, it to the point she cried when it was time to go home. I can see a change in her already. She is a little more independent. As much as I moan about her not leaving my side I actually had a little cry when she crawled away from me when we got back. Normally she will crawl but keep checking I am in sight and will not go far, but this time she didn't give a crap she was off. And it hurt. My baby needs me a little less. She has started to sit and play without crying for me. Is it ok for me to sit and cry for her now like she did me? Full on paddy style.
I love reading the online diary I get from the nursery. The fact she had 3 poops and 2 naps melts me. Everything she does is magical in my eyes. So you can imagine what I was like when I read she had enjoyed playing with the toy till and musical instruments.
I am enjoying work but I do feel mum guilt.  But the time we have together now feels so much more precious like we have to make the most of it. Hopefully this will be good for both of us. The fact she cried when it was home time at nursery tells me she's just as fed up of watching EastEnders on demand as I am.
This week I have no major plans other than helping interview the 10 lady's at hopewood. I will try to blog along the way. Its getting a little harder now lottie can stand as she is curious about the laptop and stands trying to grab it off me. I've just taken a picture of her so I can show you what cuteness I'm dealing with.
Have a good week I'm going to brush my teeth now as I have major garlic breath!

Piggy bag

After my post about being a fat cow I've joined weight watchers. And I did so last night whilst downing a terrys chocolate orange basically In just one bite. Last night when I was given the amount I get to eat per day I was buzzing. Today when I actually had to do it, it was a different story. I'm starving. And ive become that sado that constantly talks about points like the rest of the world gives a shit. I will keep you updated on this. And if I never blog again, I've died of starvation.
Just recently I've noticed we waist a lot of food. And I hate to see it all chucked in the bin, so I took it upon myself to call our local animal rescue centre to enquire if they can make use of it. And yes they can they have a pig that will scoff it all. So over the weekend I have been collecting.
Finding the farm was a little difficult we just ended up on a council estate and we couldn't find it so shaun told me to knock on the house we thought it was and ask, does the pig live here? He found the whole thing hilarious and I could here him giggling as I walked across the muddy field in my pom pom trainers carrying a bag of food for a pig. I don't think I will be doing it again as my shoes are a state and the farmers ignored me when I first walked in holding my bin liner. But least I tried to come up with a solution.
Sadly I had a massive set back on Friday night. I had a nightmare. I don't want to go into detail but depression chucks at me the worst of the worst. And because I have been doing so well it was a shock. To both me and shaun. When I woke up I wouldn't talk. I just stare at nothing, thinking I cant do this, how can I have a normal conversation after such awfulness. How can I just get out of bed and live life like its normal, when its not, I'm not.
Let me try and explain it better. You wouldn't accidently run a cat over then turn round and talk about the weather. You wouldn't accidently set your house on fire then enjoy the rest of your day like it never happened. No you would feel apologetic, sorry and maybe even blame yourself. Well that's how I feel, like I have done something wrong.
I have noticed I feel different when shaun is at home and this has happened. As it gives me someone to cry to. That may sound crazy but when I'm alone as much as I hate it , I have to get up and get on with it. Nobody else is their to feed lottie ect. When shaun is home I just need him to cuddle me and stroke my hair like he did when I was really ill. I feel he is holding me together, and I need him to. But looking back maybe I am stronger than I think. Because I can and have dealt with this alone.
I find I get a lot more emotional when he is around to talk to. Keeping it in when alone holds everything inside, my tears included. Once I let go their is no going back. But shaun has the best way of dealing with it. He keeps calm and just puts things into perspective.
For the first time in agers I said the words I don't deserve to live. And that's how I feel in that moment. Like I need to be punished, and I don't want to think and feel these crazy things anymore. So yes Saturday was a bad day for me my first one in a long time. I thought id got passed this illness, I'm unsure now if it will ever go.
I'm hoping this is just a one off. And due to the fact I had a lot on last week. A lot of change such as starting work and lottie starting nursery. Also my last appointment with my nurse is tomorrow, maybe all this is waking my depression up. Maybe this will put back me being discharged from the hospital. Maybe this is a normal reaction when the end is so close, my healthcare team may have been expecting this.But I wasn't and it has opened my eyes that it can strike back at anytime with no warning.
But tomorrow is the start of a new week. The week of looooove as is valantines day on Thursday. So tomorrow I shell peel my pjs off, put on some mum clothes, and maybe even a thong to give myself a little sass. I've aloud myself time to mope around, and come to terms with the fact maybe I'm not yet 100%. But as of tomorrow its time to fight back.
I kinda have no choice either as I have so many people coming round. I have my health visitor in the morning my nurse in the afternoon and wait for it........BERT. Bert the gas man. He's back peeps. If you don't no who bert is, get to know! https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2019/01/please-dont-send-bert-again.html If we have a repeat performance weight watchers can piss off, the only way to deal with this is chocolate.
I hope lottie forgets the fact she hates bert. As always I will inform you how it goes.
What ever your battle remember we get to start again tomorrow. Do it right, wear a thong you sex kitten, leave your pj top on under your work uniform or skip your morning shower because its to cold to get naked and you don't want to wash your just got out of bed comfy skin. Please don't tell me I'm the only one that has mini life tweeks that make you feel a little warm inside? If so please please tell me some, it would make me so happy to hear a few, and be reassured its normal.
Good night
P.S am I skinny yet?

Kiss my size 16 ass

Ergh I'm so tiered and my child hates me. I'm so sleepy because I've had my first 2 days back at work. I've only worked mornings but its the whole pre work thing that's killing me off. The sorting lottie out and getting to work on time lark. Firstly I'm not used to waking up to an alarm, snooze is once again my best friend (dangerous game I know).
Secondly morning traffic what the hell why are so many people up at 8am and why does everyone look so pissed off? Cheer up you lot. Could be worse you could have forgot to change out your comfy maternity pants. 11am drivers are so much nicer.
Lets start with Tuesday, my very first day. I have to get ready, then get lottie up (way earlier that she is used to). Drive to my mums who lives about 7 miles away, pick her up drive her back to mine and then take myself to work. PHEW!
We have decided to do this as lottie will be more content in her own environment. But it took agers I didn't have time to think about my pre-work nerves. I've started at a new branch, I'm travelling from a new home, in a new car as a mummy. I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going and if I was going to be able to park this car without taking up 2 parking spaces.
When I first woke up I was a little nervous, wondering if my new colleagues would like me and if I would fit in. I've only had a few weeks to come to terms with the fact I will be working at a whole new place. I had my new hours request accepted at my previous branch and all was set for me to return, all had been confirmed. Then out the blue on my birthday all was set to change. I was no longer needed at my previous shop. I'm still baffled as to why they confirmed it all to then changed their mind. Who wouldn't want this fine, fun hot momma? Jokes aside It was all a little inconvenient as I had sorted Lottie's nursery and childcare.
But it has all worked out for the best and I seem to have fitted in well at my new shop. I got a lovely good luck card from shaun and he had me a mug made with a picture of me and lottie on. So that's with me in my new job and its super cute. I feel a change in work place has been good for me. I have had so much change in the past year what's one more thing. Out with the old and in with the new.
Today was not as much of a mad rush as I only had to drop lottie at my mums. Lottie seems to have adapted to the change well. To say she is getting up way earlier and her nap times have all gone off the chart. I fear she may suffer jet lag but if she is she's dealing with it well, long may it continue for my mums sake. Lottie will be at nursery on Friday and I hope it goes just as well as the past 2 days. I will pre warn them she may have jet lag. Can kids get barred from a nursery?
 So far I have enjoyed the routine working is providing and I must say I feel like a strong working mum. Like I have my shit together I'm actually doing this. I used to hear about mums working. I'd think wow how do they do that, I wouldn't no where to start. But so far so good. I may be winging it but its working go me!
On a less positive not my work uniform. My tunic fits.....just. Now thats a size 8 but I have to suck it in when I zip it up but for now I can live with it. But the bottoms. THE BOTTOM! I am never fitting in a size 8 trouser again ever in my life. Forget it, move on, never gunna happen. For those who said id be straight back in them, thanks but no thanks. I swear they don't even go up my ankle.
And I keep having the same argument with everyone. Nobody believes I'm a size 16. Let me set this straight. I've take a picture of me in a size 12 (yes that is my arse crack, shauns a crap photographer). Which I took to the changing room feeling hopeful in Matalan on monday night. As you can see from the picture they do not fit. I can’t even bend my legs. Not one bit. Yes I fit a 14 but they are not comfy, they pinch my love handles and when I take them off the indents are so bad it looks like I'm still wearing them. I could get away with a 14 but a 16 is comfy. I've had this same argument with my mum, shaun and most of my friends.
I went shopping with shaun and I couldn't fit in an 18. When I told him, once again he didn't believe me so I actually went back and put them on again to prove that yes I'm that fat. So yes world I am THAT fat. My top half is small my boobs ect so maybe this gives the appearance I am smaller all over but I'm not. Maybe I hide it well with the clothes I wear, which are hard to come by when you find you have the body shape of a toblarone, but I'm working with it. And I will pull my kegs down and show the next person who argues that I'm a size 10 and show you the label in my size 16 jeans.

Last week I forgot to tell you the story about when me and shaun sat crying at the tv. How rock and roll. Maybe I did mention it? I cant remember so I will just go ahead anyway. We was watching a programme on chanel 4 called SAS who dares wins. Its about training soldiers to become army recruits. Its discusses mental health rather a lot. A guy was on who was my age, who had a wife called Chelsea also my age. Sadly he had found his wife dead, she had hung herself. My mum had pre warned me this was discussed on the show, and waiting for him to say the words "my wife committed suicide" was like torture.
I was sure i'd be ok to watch it. I'm over it now so its all ok right? wrong. Those words id heard over and over in my mind when I was ill. I'd sit and imagine shaun telling people id killed myself. Id vision lottie saying why she didn't have a mummy. Whilst thinking these things i'd feel hollow and empty, that's the only way I can describe it.
Some may read this and judge me. You may think how can she think them things. What ever is going
 of in your mind as you read this, I've probably thought the same about myself at some point. I still do. Today I sat and cried to my mum, as I wonder what lottie will think to all this. Will she understand, if she doesn't understand she may hate me. Will she be proud or ashamed. I don't want her to feel pride or shame really. I feel neither is better than the other, I just pray she understands. Its a long way off yet who knows if I will dare to admit it to her. I hope I can and I hope she see's it for what it is. An illness, an awful illness  that took her mum, her true happy mummy away for a few months. But now I'm better and I live my life with her with twice as much enthusiasm, care and filled with twice as much happiness than maybe I would have done had this never happened to me. Because I appreciate her and life so much more now.
Right now I don't think she is my number one fan. I may just be being over sensitive, but I'm sure she isn't my friend. And I think its because I've been at work and left her for a few hours. I hope tomorrow she has a cuddle and a nap with me. Because I no already I will need a nap tomorrow. And they are always the best on the sofa with lottie under the blanket.
So for now good night love ya

Stupid sling thing

I have a confession. I try to be as honest as I can in my blogs. But sometimes I do have to hold things back, just until I come to terms with the situation or it takes a while for me to admit what's going on my life. And that's been the case recently.
Last week I mentioned I went to have a coil fitted but I didn't say why it was never fitted. Well It was due to the fact my period was late and they couldn't fit it due to the risk of pregnancy. Since then I have done test after test and they have all been negative, but a pregnancy can not always be detected so early on. I was like 12 days late.
I hang my head in shame, I had unprotected sex. Today I have spoke to pony because I was so worried. And she advised to the gp to get a blood test, as that will give me a definite answer. She reassured me if for any reason they can not do one then she will sort it for me. In between sorting all this I went for a wee and guess what???? the rivers running red. I can sleep at night.
This afternoon I've been on a walk with my friend gemma, baby harry and her dog. Me wanting to bust the back boobs decided to carry lottie in her sling. Before I even started walking it was a mistake. Because id pulled up and a couple was sat in their car and I just knew they was sat watching me.
I knew they was thinking, she is never going to fit that baby wearing that giant fluffy snowsuit in that tiny sling. Now I'm a people watcher and I new the material I was giving them was golden. But I was determined, and once she was eventually in I strutted off like a little peacock with my back boobs swinging. Shame I didn't return to the car with such sass. I was doubled over and my big coat was sticking to me. What the fuck when did lottie get so heavy. If I haven't lost weight after this somethings wrong.
I've also been to sing along at the library today, do I sound like wonder mum or what? All this and not 1 cup off coffee. Truth is i'm back at work tomorrow and I feel like its the end of my life. Yano if you had 1 day left to live you'd do as much as you could right. Well that's me today, I stood watching lottie in her cot earlier and I had to tell myself to get a grip.
I'm only going back part time I'm not abandoning her. But I feel like I'm going to be handing over my little precious tiny world. And not another sole can look after her like I do. Nobody gets her like I do, I no how to read every sound and look she gives. Do you think its ok if I right I list of the sounds she makes and what they mean? For example ga means poo and der means milk, am I cracking up?
Well I have my new glittery pens, my unicorn note pad and a wonder women mug and I'm ready to be dunked back into work. My tunic is to tight and my trousers only come up to my knees so its a trip to Matalan tonight. And if they don't sell bottoms do you think I can just turn up in my pyjamas?

In my last blog I spoke about driving over the bridge and how I was scared to drive for a while after. Eventually I grew some balls and got behind the wheel. And me and my mum took a trip to shops. In true chelsey style it wasn't simple. I took this huge step driving the car just for some idiot to bang into it! At this time it felt like I was taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.
Facing the odd hurdle life was getting better. I was doing more, getting dressed most days and washing my hair again. Not only was I going out the house again but I was mixing in big crowds. We went to Nottingham goose fair, and I had a trip with a friend to go celeb spotting. Where we managed to meet people like danny dier and dan Osbourne.
I was making decisions again. Able to decide what I wanted and didn't want, I could plan my days. Slowly my mind was unravelling when it had been gripped with fear. Fear of everything. Its honestly like I was living in a tiny box. A box I didn't really want to leave I felt the only option for me was to remain trapped. The reasons i felt this way was because I couldn't see a way out, it was impossible for things to get better. I wanted them to but was convinced this was my life now.
My doctor and nurse would repeatedly tell me while I sat crying feeling helpless that it was going to get better. I didn't believe them not a single part of me felt hope. Even tho I didn't believe, I still listened to them, to their advice and guidance. Which I never thought would work.
Someone said to me during a conversation about depression  "I wish I was like you...positive, I wish I could deal with it as good as you do". I really hope I don't portray a journey that has been easy. Yes I am positive a little to much at times but during this illness I haven't been. I built myself up and have been knocked back again repeatedly. I didn't fall to the bottom and think, oh well I will be ok again soon. Not at all i'd crumble and never want to fight again.
Sadly these ups and downs had an impact on shaun. And he began to struggle. I may ask him to write the next blog and maybe he can explain things from his point of view. Hopefully that's the plan for my next post. He may take some convincing.
Before I go I just want your guys advice. And don't ignore me like you normally do when I ask you things. Sadly I'm coming to the end of my story. Thankfully I'm better now and this month I will be hopefully discharged as a patient at the hospital. Meaning the end of my blog. But I love blogging. I love taking notes as life happens so I can relay it all back to you. But I'm unsure where to go from here. Do I stop blogging. Do I start a new one and blog about my day to day life, or do I continue this one? Please please give me your suggestions.

Back boobs (.)(.)

Missed me? Well I've been a busy lady. Wednesday I went to mummies and buggies, with my friend gemma. Which I loved. This Is basically a fitness class you do with your baby, the first half is while the baby is in the buggie and you do things like running and lunges with it. For the second half the baby is out the pram and you do floor work together. It was so much run unfortunately because I'm back at work next week I will not be able to attend the class on a weekly basis, but I'm going to try baby spin on Monday, which works around my hours so ill keep you posted on that one.
On the way to mummies and buggies guess what? I drove over the bridge of doom. If you are unaware of what happened on this bridge here is a link to the blog explaining.
https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/all-is-fixed.html
This is a huge hurdle for me to drive over it with just me and lottie in the car. Driving the car id been so scared to drive for months and months. We have 2 cars a bmw and a fiesta. The fiesta is the car I was driving on the awful day and I have only just started to drive it again. I didn't drive for a long time after this happened. For so many reasons, mainly I didn't trust myself. I didn't think I could drive a car without crashing it. But recovery is all about trust. And I'm so happy to say I trust myself. I don't want to crash my car, depression wants me to but I am stronger than that. I'm not saying it is easy I was petrified to tackle all these things. But now I've done it the next time will be easier until its a distant memory.
Wednesday afternoon we had a 2 year olds birthday to go to. So I dug out the matching headbands obvs, and we spent the afternoon playing in ball pits and screaming while whizzing down giant slides.
Me and shaun had a little bicker on the way to that party. Oooops. This was because I had to ask him for the second day in a row not to go to the gym. Because I needed to get ready for 3pm and it was 2pm and I was standing pale ass naked next to lotties cot while she screamed the house down. So I had to call shaun SOS. This obviously ruffles his feathers because its another day he cant go to the gym. I'm like wow slow down muscle man I still see you with your abs and ting. He hates the fact he can not go to the gym as much, I'm like hun your bodys changing? Those shrinking biceps can be built back up again, I have a scar from hip to hip, my stretch marks have stretch marks and I need a bra for my back boobs! His reply was I should use my free time to go to the gym. FREE TIME? If I ever experienced such a thing as FREE TIME I can assure you I'm far to knackered to go to the pissing gym.
So once at the party we had to grit our teeth and pretend we are not seething at the fact we are both fat and hate each other. We have come to a resolution shaun is going to move to another gym that's open later. So he can go while Lottie's in bed while I lay on the sofa and eat giant buttons. So all is well again now shaun can work on his sexy body.
I mentioned in a previous blog I was going to get a coil fitted thursay. I went along to this appointment with my best friend Tasha to hold my hand. And guess what their was no need as I am still coil free. Its been re scheduled to bloody valentines day? Least I'm guaranteed action down their even if its unwanted.
Friday I spent the day with my nan, and that bring us up to last night. When we randomly decided we wanted to go bowling at 8.30. We was a little unsure as we had lottie and she would normally be in bed at this time, but as a one off we decided to go ahead. When we got their it was so busy and loud. As I looked around I started to doubt our decision, thinking she was going to hate it. So we decided to just have 1 game and then go home, but to our surprise lottie loved it. I think she enjoyed the happy atmosphere, the music and jazzy lights. She was laughing and shouting and we decided to stay a little longer and have another game. I lost both! I need to find my vocation in life. Maybe by the time I reach 30 I will have found something, other than making people laugh when I don't even mean to. I can be telling someone the most series thing and they just laugh. Like for example the story about my 3 year old hamster mufty dyeing, how is that funny? It broke my heart. RIP MUFTY. Shaun just read this and is laughing his head off! WHY? Its a heart broking moment in my life. I left the poor thing near the radiator and he overheated, how is that a way to go? I've never forgave myself. (Please don't call RSPCA I didn't mean to I loved him).
After bowling we decided to go a little drive while lottie took a well deserved nap. We love to drive around looking at mansions. Choosing the front door we may one day have, or the gates we will live behind when we have made our millions. Its unfair god gave us such an expensive taste but not the cash flow to live up to it.
Hopefully I will have FREE TIME today to go work off this back fat. Plus I've seen a makeup tutorial I want to watch so hopefully I can squeeze in a gym sesh.
Enjoy your sunday I will blog again this week as I have lots to discuss about February being my last month at the hospital, and maybe the end of my blog.x