Piggy bag

After my post about being a fat cow I've joined weight watchers. And I did so last night whilst downing a terrys chocolate orange basically In just one bite. Last night when I was given the amount I get to eat per day I was buzzing. Today when I actually had to do it, it was a different story. I'm starving. And ive become that sado that constantly talks about points like the rest of the world gives a shit. I will keep you updated on this. And if I never blog again, I've died of starvation.
Just recently I've noticed we waist a lot of food. And I hate to see it all chucked in the bin, so I took it upon myself to call our local animal rescue centre to enquire if they can make use of it. And yes they can they have a pig that will scoff it all. So over the weekend I have been collecting.
Finding the farm was a little difficult we just ended up on a council estate and we couldn't find it so shaun told me to knock on the house we thought it was and ask, does the pig live here? He found the whole thing hilarious and I could here him giggling as I walked across the muddy field in my pom pom trainers carrying a bag of food for a pig. I don't think I will be doing it again as my shoes are a state and the farmers ignored me when I first walked in holding my bin liner. But least I tried to come up with a solution.
Sadly I had a massive set back on Friday night. I had a nightmare. I don't want to go into detail but depression chucks at me the worst of the worst. And because I have been doing so well it was a shock. To both me and shaun. When I woke up I wouldn't talk. I just stare at nothing, thinking I cant do this, how can I have a normal conversation after such awfulness. How can I just get out of bed and live life like its normal, when its not, I'm not.
Let me try and explain it better. You wouldn't accidently run a cat over then turn round and talk about the weather. You wouldn't accidently set your house on fire then enjoy the rest of your day like it never happened. No you would feel apologetic, sorry and maybe even blame yourself. Well that's how I feel, like I have done something wrong.
I have noticed I feel different when shaun is at home and this has happened. As it gives me someone to cry to. That may sound crazy but when I'm alone as much as I hate it , I have to get up and get on with it. Nobody else is their to feed lottie ect. When shaun is home I just need him to cuddle me and stroke my hair like he did when I was really ill. I feel he is holding me together, and I need him to. But looking back maybe I am stronger than I think. Because I can and have dealt with this alone.
I find I get a lot more emotional when he is around to talk to. Keeping it in when alone holds everything inside, my tears included. Once I let go their is no going back. But shaun has the best way of dealing with it. He keeps calm and just puts things into perspective.
For the first time in agers I said the words I don't deserve to live. And that's how I feel in that moment. Like I need to be punished, and I don't want to think and feel these crazy things anymore. So yes Saturday was a bad day for me my first one in a long time. I thought id got passed this illness, I'm unsure now if it will ever go.
I'm hoping this is just a one off. And due to the fact I had a lot on last week. A lot of change such as starting work and lottie starting nursery. Also my last appointment with my nurse is tomorrow, maybe all this is waking my depression up. Maybe this will put back me being discharged from the hospital. Maybe this is a normal reaction when the end is so close, my healthcare team may have been expecting this.But I wasn't and it has opened my eyes that it can strike back at anytime with no warning.
But tomorrow is the start of a new week. The week of looooove as is valantines day on Thursday. So tomorrow I shell peel my pjs off, put on some mum clothes, and maybe even a thong to give myself a little sass. I've aloud myself time to mope around, and come to terms with the fact maybe I'm not yet 100%. But as of tomorrow its time to fight back.
I kinda have no choice either as I have so many people coming round. I have my health visitor in the morning my nurse in the afternoon and wait for it........BERT. Bert the gas man. He's back peeps. If you don't no who bert is, get to know! https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2019/01/please-dont-send-bert-again.html If we have a repeat performance weight watchers can piss off, the only way to deal with this is chocolate.
I hope lottie forgets the fact she hates bert. As always I will inform you how it goes.
What ever your battle remember we get to start again tomorrow. Do it right, wear a thong you sex kitten, leave your pj top on under your work uniform or skip your morning shower because its to cold to get naked and you don't want to wash your just got out of bed comfy skin. Please don't tell me I'm the only one that has mini life tweeks that make you feel a little warm inside? If so please please tell me some, it would make me so happy to hear a few, and be reassured its normal.
Good night
P.S am I skinny yet?