Secondly morning traffic what the hell why are so many people up at 8am and why does everyone look so pissed off? Cheer up you lot. Could be worse you could have forgot to change out your comfy maternity pants. 11am drivers are so much nicer.
Lets start with Tuesday, my very first day. I have to get ready, then get lottie up (way earlier that she is used to). Drive to my mums who lives about 7 miles away, pick her up drive her back to mine and then take myself to work. PHEW!
We have decided to do this as lottie will be more content in her own environment. But it took agers I didn't have time to think about my pre-work nerves. I've started at a new branch, I'm travelling from a new home, in a new car as a mummy. I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going and if I was going to be able to park this car without taking up 2 parking spaces.
When I first woke up I was a little nervous, wondering if my new colleagues would like me and if I would fit in. I've only had a few weeks to come to terms with the fact I will be working at a whole new place. I had my new hours request accepted at my previous branch and all was set for me to return, all had been confirmed. Then out the blue on my birthday all was set to change. I was no longer needed at my previous shop. I'm still baffled as to why they confirmed it all to then changed their mind. Who wouldn't want this fine, fun hot momma? Jokes aside It was all a little inconvenient as I had sorted Lottie's nursery and childcare.
But it has all worked out for the best and I seem to have fitted in well at my new shop. I got a lovely good luck card from shaun and he had me a mug made with a picture of me and lottie on. So that's with me in my new job and its super cute. I feel a change in work place has been good for me. I have had so much change in the past year what's one more thing. Out with the old and in with the new.
Today was not as much of a mad rush as I only had to drop lottie at my mums. Lottie seems to have adapted to the change well. To say she is getting up way earlier and her nap times have all gone off the chart. I fear she may suffer jet lag but if she is she's dealing with it well, long may it continue for my mums sake. Lottie will be at nursery on Friday and I hope it goes just as well as the past 2 days. I will pre warn them she may have jet lag. Can kids get barred from a nursery?
So far I have enjoyed the routine working is providing and I must say I feel like a strong working mum. Like I have my shit together I'm actually doing this. I used to hear about mums working. I'd think wow how do they do that, I wouldn't no where to start. But so far so good. I may be winging it but its working go me!
On a less positive not my work uniform. My tunic fits.....just. Now thats a size 8 but I have to suck it in when I zip it up but for now I can live with it. But the bottoms. THE BOTTOM! I am never fitting in a size 8 trouser again ever in my life. Forget it, move on, never gunna happen. For those who said id be straight back in them, thanks but no thanks. I swear they don't even go up my ankle.
And I keep having the same argument with everyone. Nobody believes I'm a size 16. Let me set this straight. I've take a picture of me in a size 12 (yes that is my arse crack, shauns a crap photographer). Which I took to the changing room feeling hopeful in Matalan on monday night. As you can see from the picture they do not fit. I can’t even bend my legs. Not one bit. Yes I fit a 14 but they are not comfy, they pinch my love handles and when I take them off the indents are so bad it looks like I'm still wearing them. I could get away with a 14 but a 16 is comfy. I've had this same argument with my mum, shaun and most of my friends.
I went shopping with shaun and I couldn't fit in an 18. When I told him, once again he didn't believe me so I actually went back and put them on again to prove that yes I'm that fat. So yes world I am THAT fat. My top half is small my boobs ect so maybe this gives the appearance I am smaller all over but I'm not. Maybe I hide it well with the clothes I wear, which are hard to come by when you find you have the body shape of a toblarone, but I'm working with it. And I will pull my kegs down and show the next person who argues that I'm a size 10 and show you the label in my size 16 jeans.
Last week I forgot to tell you the story about when me and shaun sat crying at the tv. How rock and roll. Maybe I did mention it? I cant remember so I will just go ahead anyway. We was watching a programme on chanel 4 called SAS who dares wins. Its about training soldiers to become army recruits. Its discusses mental health rather a lot. A guy was on who was my age, who had a wife called Chelsea also my age. Sadly he had found his wife dead, she had hung herself. My mum had pre warned me this was discussed on the show, and waiting for him to say the words "my wife committed suicide" was like torture.
I was sure i'd be ok to watch it. I'm over it now so its all ok right? wrong. Those words id heard over and over in my mind when I was ill. I'd sit and imagine shaun telling people id killed myself. Id vision lottie saying why she didn't have a mummy. Whilst thinking these things i'd feel hollow and empty, that's the only way I can describe it.
Some may read this and judge me. You may think how can she think them things. What ever is going
of in your mind as you read this, I've probably thought the same about myself at some point. I still do. Today I sat and cried to my mum, as I wonder what lottie will think to all this. Will she understand, if she doesn't understand she may hate me. Will she be proud or ashamed. I don't want her to feel pride or shame really. I feel neither is better than the other, I just pray she understands. Its a long way off yet who knows if I will dare to admit it to her. I hope I can and I hope she see's it for what it is. An illness, an awful illness that took her mum, her true happy mummy away for a few months. But now I'm better and I live my life with her with twice as much enthusiasm, care and filled with twice as much happiness than maybe I would have done had this never happened to me. Because I appreciate her and life so much more now.
Right now I don't think she is my number one fan. I may just be being over sensitive, but I'm sure she isn't my friend. And I think its because I've been at work and left her for a few hours. I hope tomorrow she has a cuddle and a nap with me. Because I no already I will need a nap tomorrow. And they are always the best on the sofa with lottie under the blanket.
So for now good night love ya
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