Stupid sling thing

I have a confession. I try to be as honest as I can in my blogs. But sometimes I do have to hold things back, just until I come to terms with the situation or it takes a while for me to admit what's going on my life. And that's been the case recently.
Last week I mentioned I went to have a coil fitted but I didn't say why it was never fitted. Well It was due to the fact my period was late and they couldn't fit it due to the risk of pregnancy. Since then I have done test after test and they have all been negative, but a pregnancy can not always be detected so early on. I was like 12 days late.
I hang my head in shame, I had unprotected sex. Today I have spoke to pony because I was so worried. And she advised to the gp to get a blood test, as that will give me a definite answer. She reassured me if for any reason they can not do one then she will sort it for me. In between sorting all this I went for a wee and guess what???? the rivers running red. I can sleep at night.
This afternoon I've been on a walk with my friend gemma, baby harry and her dog. Me wanting to bust the back boobs decided to carry lottie in her sling. Before I even started walking it was a mistake. Because id pulled up and a couple was sat in their car and I just knew they was sat watching me.
I knew they was thinking, she is never going to fit that baby wearing that giant fluffy snowsuit in that tiny sling. Now I'm a people watcher and I new the material I was giving them was golden. But I was determined, and once she was eventually in I strutted off like a little peacock with my back boobs swinging. Shame I didn't return to the car with such sass. I was doubled over and my big coat was sticking to me. What the fuck when did lottie get so heavy. If I haven't lost weight after this somethings wrong.
I've also been to sing along at the library today, do I sound like wonder mum or what? All this and not 1 cup off coffee. Truth is i'm back at work tomorrow and I feel like its the end of my life. Yano if you had 1 day left to live you'd do as much as you could right. Well that's me today, I stood watching lottie in her cot earlier and I had to tell myself to get a grip.
I'm only going back part time I'm not abandoning her. But I feel like I'm going to be handing over my little precious tiny world. And not another sole can look after her like I do. Nobody gets her like I do, I no how to read every sound and look she gives. Do you think its ok if I right I list of the sounds she makes and what they mean? For example ga means poo and der means milk, am I cracking up?
Well I have my new glittery pens, my unicorn note pad and a wonder women mug and I'm ready to be dunked back into work. My tunic is to tight and my trousers only come up to my knees so its a trip to Matalan tonight. And if they don't sell bottoms do you think I can just turn up in my pyjamas?

In my last blog I spoke about driving over the bridge and how I was scared to drive for a while after. Eventually I grew some balls and got behind the wheel. And me and my mum took a trip to shops. In true chelsey style it wasn't simple. I took this huge step driving the car just for some idiot to bang into it! At this time it felt like I was taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.
Facing the odd hurdle life was getting better. I was doing more, getting dressed most days and washing my hair again. Not only was I going out the house again but I was mixing in big crowds. We went to Nottingham goose fair, and I had a trip with a friend to go celeb spotting. Where we managed to meet people like danny dier and dan Osbourne.
I was making decisions again. Able to decide what I wanted and didn't want, I could plan my days. Slowly my mind was unravelling when it had been gripped with fear. Fear of everything. Its honestly like I was living in a tiny box. A box I didn't really want to leave I felt the only option for me was to remain trapped. The reasons i felt this way was because I couldn't see a way out, it was impossible for things to get better. I wanted them to but was convinced this was my life now.
My doctor and nurse would repeatedly tell me while I sat crying feeling helpless that it was going to get better. I didn't believe them not a single part of me felt hope. Even tho I didn't believe, I still listened to them, to their advice and guidance. Which I never thought would work.
Someone said to me during a conversation about depression  "I wish I was like you...positive, I wish I could deal with it as good as you do". I really hope I don't portray a journey that has been easy. Yes I am positive a little to much at times but during this illness I haven't been. I built myself up and have been knocked back again repeatedly. I didn't fall to the bottom and think, oh well I will be ok again soon. Not at all i'd crumble and never want to fight again.
Sadly these ups and downs had an impact on shaun. And he began to struggle. I may ask him to write the next blog and maybe he can explain things from his point of view. Hopefully that's the plan for my next post. He may take some convincing.
Before I go I just want your guys advice. And don't ignore me like you normally do when I ask you things. Sadly I'm coming to the end of my story. Thankfully I'm better now and this month I will be hopefully discharged as a patient at the hospital. Meaning the end of my blog. But I love blogging. I love taking notes as life happens so I can relay it all back to you. But I'm unsure where to go from here. Do I stop blogging. Do I start a new one and blog about my day to day life, or do I continue this one? Please please give me your suggestions.