Call an ambulence ft. the orange coat

Popped out today to get some new bedding because our last one had diamantes on and scratched our face. I was happy to put up with it, anything for a bit of sparkle. But shaun never stopped moaning so today was the day to switch it. I didn't bother putting makeup on as we was just going to one shop. Infact I didn't even change my pj top. The big coat strikes again. This I regretted when I was sat in costa sweating with my coat on!
Anyway we got the bedding but it didn't stop their. The beauty of a retail park, when you can just 'nip' in this shop and 'pop' in that shop. The next minute lotties winter wardrobe had a revamp, I'm dripping in my new paco rabanne perfume and sporting a new marc Jacobs backpack. I need to calm the fuck down with these January sales. But to make up for it I have got back and put some of my old clothes on ebay.
As I'm blogging shaun is trying again to put the new curtain pole up. The rail only requires 6 drilled holes but somehow I have 12 drilled holes and 2 of them are HUGE! it Looks like 2 Yorkshire puddings. Ill keep you posted.
Now I will get back to yesterdays blog when we had told my mum about my illness. Which made life easier, because once shaun returned to work they set up a little rota system. Shaun would leave for work at 5.30am and mum would turn up, and sometimes get in bed with me. And eventually I told my dad. Which made things easier for my mum as she had someone to confide in. So without realising, things was getting easier for all of us.
It was a little frustrating everyone having to work life around me. I felt like a child at times, like I had to be babysat and like a massive inconvenience. Id get frustrated with myself for putting all this pressure on mum dad and shaun.
But before shaun returned to work we tried to get out and about. His mum invited us to a food festival at newstead abby so we went along. I was very nervous it being my first outing. But like everything in my life it ended up a huge drama. Asif we would go to the event come home and just have a nice normal day. That's far to easy. Instead I end up performing CPR. This was on the way back to the car. We was just summing up our day. Saying what a nice time we'd had. I've posted a picture off our little day out.
That was before all the drama drama. I  was carrying lottie and a few feet ahead was 2 women walking. Suddenly one of the ladies started to stumble. To which shaun said "oh someone's had a few", but I sensed something was wrong and suddenly she fell onto the banking.
Automatically I gave lottie to shaun and ran over shouting for him to call an ambulance. She had gone stiff, blue and her eyes had rolled to the back of her head. I had no clue what to do. I shouted for somebody strong to help me roll her over as she had fell onto her front. A gentleman came and helped and I asked if he new what to do. He was in shock and couldn't answer, I was shouting to people staring, does anybody no what to do? anybody no cpr? but no reply everyone was just stood staring at me on my knees, once again in my bright orange coat!
Clueless I just started doing chest compressions and preformed mouth to mouth. I have never blew so hard in my life. I have never preformed chest compressions in my life. But I have seen on t.v they count while doing it so I was counting out loud. Of I went 1,2,3,4 anything to distract myself from the reality of this situation. I take my hats of to paramedics its hard work, I was knackered. I was really going for it pushing down harder each time willing this stranger to be ok. I was thinking all sorts, am I doing it right? should I even be doing this? why am I counting?
After a while a passer by who was medically trained helped and I turned my attention to the ill lady's mum. Who was in shock. I got gave her lotties blanket and my bottle off water and tried to reassure her, with the news that her daughter did look a lot better than when I first arrived on the scene.
Eventually just 1 paramedic arrived and the crowd was cleared. Leaving me the paramedic the ill person her mum and another guy. I found myself being the paramedics wing women. Helping her get things out the ambulance, holding the ill ladys head and keeping her oxygen mask in place. Backup was called and the paramedic was doing an amazing job administering needles and doing lots of other medical things. The ill lady took another turn for the worst again but it wasn't as bad the second time because she was in the right hands.
This whole episode is bad enough. But the fact I had been wanting to end my life prior to this and now I had found myself trying to save somebody else's. I felt like I was staring death in the face. I took control of a situation when for so long I had had no control of my own life. I ran to danger head on when I had been running from it for a long time. I did my best when I felt at my worst. I hadn't wanted to leave my house that day, but maybe its a good job I did.
Once news got round I was getting so much praise and pats on the back. At the time I didn't want all this fuss. I was at the height of my depression and the truth is I just wanted to be left alone. Now I realise what a big deal it was. But then I didn't.  Inside I still felt hollow. 
I do believe everything happens for a reason, maybe this was part of my recovery. May I add the last I heard the lady is recovering. They are unsure what actually happened and she was still having lots of tests. But I have heard nothing in a few months but wish her well.
Obviously this episode set me back and I was on edge. But I'm sure most people would be if they was faced with a situation such as this. I was back to not wanting to be alone for a second. But soon the  time cam again to have 1 hour just me and lottie. And guess what 5 minutes into it and I'm calling my dad because I need to go to A&E....again.
P.S if I ever make it big time I promise to auction off my orange coat pmsl.

More skating less hating

Guess what my little readers, I seem to be getting more little readers. My views keep going up and up. My blog called pissing in the wind seems to get the most attention. https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/pissing-in-wind.html Maybe I should try an come up with more tittles like this. I'm thinking things like blogging on the bog or wetting myself while expressing myself. Ill work on it.
I worry about the English in my blogs or the lack of. I think people will get annoyed that I don't use a coma in the correct place, and can sometimes get words mixed up. I feel this may drive some people crazy. But I was told this is what makes it relatable and true. Its not perfect or scripted its from the heart. To be honest I'm not even sure its interesting at times lol, but moving forward I am going to stop worrying about the mistakes I may making. But if anyone does want to share a few pointers on when to start a new paragraph I'm all ears! The people that read this in different parts of the world must hardly have a clue what I am jabbering on about.
Anyway this morning when I woke up I felt like utter crap. Just sooooooo unwell. Yano when you are like awkward ill, your not dying but  your not ok either. When you cant decide if you are to ill to go to work. And you stress thinking now will I go and end up throwing up all over Karen or will i get their and it will be like i never even had a major illness before i got out of bed? But no way was I missing ice skating even if I had to take my duvet with me I was getting them skates on. Luckily I ditched the duvet and felt better for doing so.
I went on the ice with my brother in law mike because everyone else was to chicken shit to join in. But we no full well when they saw me pushing mike on a child's banana aid they had major regrets. When i last went skating i was a wiz kid. I had a reality check today as i thought it would be just like old times. But oh no you need good core to skate, and thanks to the C-section this is something i no longer have. So it was much harder. And yes i used a penguin for the first 10 minutes and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Me and mike didn't realise you had to actually hire the penguins and bannans, we just thought you could use them, So we was just skating round with some pore childs skating aid. We managed to get a picture off me pushing mike on the banana which is lovely. We are unaware we are being papped and its refreshing to see a natural picture. Wearing a genuine smile to many pictures are staged these days, including my own,. Unfortunately our day out was cut short as lottie was screaming mum and dads house down because she was missing her mummy and daddy. I soon forgave her when she smothered me in kisses.
Back to yesterdays blog, i finished it when we had got back from Newcastle. Well we got home and realised and was advised to reach out to family who may offer us support. And by having that extra support it may help shaun be able to have a little more of a life and break from me. Because he was having to be by my side 24/7 and not only that but sometimes i probably wasn't good company, hardly talking and with talks about ending my life.
So the decision came to tell my mum. Which was so difficult it was a little easier explaining to doctors about how a felt. They are not a constant in my life. With someone you love its different, if they don't understand or they think you are a bad mum that's something you have to deal with forever. I was in a fragile state so her reaction was going to have an effect on me. Where does it leave me if mum thinks I'm crazy or I've failed or I'm just being a drama queen. It might get to much.
Obviously her reaction was nothing like that and nobody's has been.  My plan was to keep this a secret from EVERYONE, but i know now that was unrealistic. Telling my mum changed everything it lightened the load for us. She was shocked yes but she wanted to help. I begged her not to tell a sole not even my dad and she kept to her word, i told him a few weeks after but for now it was just me my mum and Shaun facing this.
To keep it a secret we did have to tell a few white lies. Like when my mum came with me for an appointment at milbrook we had to tell dad a fib. Mum sat and spoke to my doctor whilst i was in the room. She sat and explained step by step what i was going through and it felt like i was having an out of body experience hearing it all back.
As always me and mum ended up having a giggle. Because Millbrook is our local mental heath unit and does have a stigma attached to it. And nobody in my life was aware i was suffering so i didn't want to be seen entering the hospital. It wasnt until walking into the unit,  i realised i was wearing a super bright floor length orange coat, pushing a neon pink pushchair! Not my best disguise and for some reason we found it so funny! And surprisingly yes we did get spotted. We could have been spotted from the bloody moon thanks to me!
From here i am going to look back at my appointments with my therapist, how they have helped me and at times they felt pointless. This is all a little jumbled in my mind as at some points i was very unwell but will try and explain them to you as best as possible.
Hope you have a good weekend. I'm unsure if to take my tree down this weekend or not. I'm at that awkward stage where you don't want to take it down, but you cant be arsed to turn the lights on. Decisions Decisions. .

A xmas comedown, and a depression de breif

Ergh I feel shitarooney! I don't feel well, I feel like I have the on coming of something serious like tonsillitis, sinusitis or ebola. My bones ache my head, even my eye sockets. I've come on my period so that speaks for itself. My husband is still in the doghouse for being drunk as a skunk on Christmas day, and to top it off he has just broke lotties food blender! I cant find nothing decent in the after Christmas sale. Nor have the money to buy it even if I did.
Ok I'm lying I brought I few things from topshop a new diamante curtain pole, and loads of new things for lottie,  But what I really want is a pair of ugg boots. But they are still £100+. Which is ridicules for what is just a bit of carpet made into a shoe shape.
I'm off out tomorrow with shauns family for a few drinks and hopefully ice skating. And I have nothing to wear. Its a difficult one, its day drinking. So smart casual but smart casual is so difficult in the winter. Whatever you wear is just going to be dragged down by the big coat. I slag the big coat of, but it allowed me to go to asda in my pj top today.
That's enough of my moaning now. A positive is, yesterday I mentioned I'm reading a book and its really good. Well I tweeted about it also. And guess what the auther of said book got back to me. She even read my blog and found it so funny she read it to her husband. I pointed out my spelling is sometimes off but she thinks it doesn't matter when the content is so good. How flattering! I'm unsure the content of my blogs are even good. Its just my day to day life.
Recently I haven't spoke much about my depression. But today I will get back onto the topic. As this is the reason I started blogging after all. The last time I spoke with regards to my depression I explained my visits the hospital have been cut. Meaning I go less. Today has been the first day I've really thought about it. Maybe its because I'm not feeling so yack.And going to the hospital gives me a little boost. My next visit is in around a week. So not long now until I get my hospital high.
In my past blogs if you have read them I have been trying to paint the picture of my journey with post natal depression. So far I have covered, my pregnancy see https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/a-foot-job.html, labour http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/do-me-favour-just-let-me-have-normal.html
the start of my depression and dealing with it alone, a lot in regards to this you will find , http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html
the day everything came bubbling to the surface http://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/all-is-fixed.html and so much more in between.
I've covered a lot about getting home from the hospital and social services getting involved. Obvously whilst we was dealing with social services we was also trying to adapt to life with post natal depression. The day after getting home from the hospital I had a home visit booked. It was my first 1-1 setion doing baby massage. It was mentioned at the hospital cancelling this appointment. But I hate hate hate being a let down. So I went ahead and kept the appointment. When the massage lady arrived (tina), she had already been contacted by my midwife. So she new exactly what had happened and we didn't end up doing baby massage. She became another person to help me and was a great support. After many appointments we completed the massage course. And our friendship grew and grew. One say she would turn up and id be in my pjs minus my bra and another day id look like a super model. Pmsl not a super model but at least a 7/10. She went with the ups and downs. The laughing and crying. By the time we completed it I was in a much better place.
During our first appointment I was on and off the phone. The crisis team were trying to sort out my medication and social services wanted to make an appointment to visit us at home. My first prescription I was given 50mg of sertraline and diazepam, which is to be taken at times when thoughts get to much. Such as I am getting an intense urge to end my life or my imagination has run wild. Eventually I have become less dependent on diazepam and the sertraline has been upped and downed over time. The most I was on was 150mg.
In regards to social services I couldn't make an appointment with them for a week or so because we had a trip to Newcastle booked. To go and she shauns sister. We was unsure if to go or not. Because nobody new about our situation and I couldn't imagine living in somebody else's house whilst living in such a dark world mentally, and being miles from home. But we went. And I think its the best thing we could have done. To be away in such a lovely environment on the beach and with good company. We made footprints in the sand and lottie had her first paddle in the sea. Which was FREEEZING but lottie being lottie didnt mind one bit. I had a heavy heart but the smile I was wearing was not as forsed as it had been. I didn't have any self doubt or intense anxiety. I never said I though I wanted to end my life, which made a massive change.
When the day came to go home I didn't want to go. I knew we had to return to my first meeting with a therapist, and being an outpatient at a mother and baby unit. And I had the visit from social services. As we got closer and closer to home I felt my mood dropping with each mile.
In my next blog I will fill you in on how I become to have several professionals helping me with my illness. How the question was asked if I wanted to be placed on the mother and baby unit as I found myself ill again.
Its time for me to go now I have a bubble bath ran, and I want to perv on my new curtain rail.
UPDATE Or maybe not perv on the rail. I just checked progress and one of the drilled holes is to big  for the screw. So now I have no curtains or rail and a huge hole above my patio door.

Christmas crackers

I hope you have all had a happy healthy Christmas. If you haven't had heartburn, the runs or been sick you didn't do it right. Dunno if you care but i got the heart burn and shaun was sick.
Let me give you a breakdown of my first Christmas with lottie. Christmas eve was mental. Its a lot different when you have a little one. Family and friends suddenly give a shit lol. Only joking it was lovely trying to fit in seeing everyone. Even though we spent like 3 days out the house going here their seeing everyone lottie just took in in her stride. Never crying or getting fed up of being past around, and taking naps between visits.
We managed to get sat down around 7 on Christmas eve. With our mummy daddy and baby elf pjs  on, and the Christmas tree yankee candle burning. Don't rush out and buy it tho guys, It smells of nothing. We had the perfect night as a little family and I couldn't wait to wake up and open our pressies together. But lottie didn't get up until 9.40, so me and shaun had breakfast just the 2 of us and opened our presents together as we couldn't wait any longer for lazy bones. I didn't expect much for Christmas. As now we have lottie I understand people will just want to buy for her.
But I still got loads. And guys I got the diamante tissue box! And makeup so on Christmas day my face was so shimmery I could have been blamed for light pollution. I was just piling on the glitter, gloss, highlight and sparkles. Also does anyone else get tetchy when they start seeing all the cute wall calendars arriving in the shops around December, and your itching to buy one but have to put your trust in other people to deliver the goods? 1 year i got 3 another year 0. Its like your putting your whole 2019 in someone else's hands. Because if you risk it and don't purchase one until after Christmas your going to be left with some random shitty thing that nobody else wanted. Like 12 months of trains. Imagine starting the month with a picture you hate. Your doomed!
But hallelujah santa delivered the goods. Its the same with toiletries. December you walk around smelling like a bath bomb. Using up all the body lotions, shower gels and mini hand lotiotions. Ready for the re stock on Christmas. Guaranteed If you don't use it all people have got you. And you end up with more stock than boots.
And if you do use it all, nobody will buy you any. And boxing day will come and your washing with the old bar of imperial leather from the back off the cupboard. Wondering what the hell have people been thinking this year? Who doesn't go to boots and buy a boat load of 3-2 bath sets? Don't we all? Think of the points and you get to keep all the free items. Win win so if you ever buy for me, as difficult as some think I am a baylis and harding gift set will do me fine! Because apparently I’m hard to buy for, I even brough a Pandora bracelet to make people life’s easier. But nobody ever got me a charm till this year. Thanks nana!   So to sum up my gifts santa you did good and sorry for calling you fat in my last blog.
When lottie finally got up. The pile of gifts was never ending. She was truly spoilt. The biggest gift we brought which we thought was amazing she just cries at every time we turn it on. And her favourite thing is a £1 wooden block. So with bucks fizz for breakfast and me resembling the head of a glitter ball it was of to my mums for diner. I've not had Christmas diner with my parents since I was like 17. I think they stopped inviting me because I have a face like I'm chewing an onion most of the time. But I'm laughing on the inside guys honest.
All was well we had an m&s lunch WOWZER! When I saw mum pinging it in the microwave I was thinking " oh no this is just going to taste like one big weight watchers ready meal". But it was far from it hmmmmm the Brussel's!!! Then dad did a homemade quiz. Which was fun, even though me and shaun lost but its the first quiz we have ever done where we have answered all the questions.
The fun really started at 8pm. Due to the fact I couldn't drink last year because I was pregnant I just got absolutely shit faced and threw up all over my mum and dads house. JOKING! That was shaun. Who I ended up leaving at mum and dads. But that's the last I'm saying on the matter.
So here we are. Boxing day. The christmas tree yankee candle that smells like fresh air is back on and all is peaceful again. The house is a state and I have no idea were all this stuff is going to live. For those who read mums poem on my last blog. She loved it! I think the reason she cried wasn't down to the words it was the fact they was all spelt correct. Proud mum moment. I've never been a good speller. Can you believe I was kept behind from all my friends at school because I couldn't move forward from spelling my name. They was all at university and I was still sat with Mrs Parker in year 2 learning how to spell Chelsey Leigh Bingley. So if you learn anything from me think short and sweet when naming your kids.
So take it easy and gear yourself up for new year! Enjoy you left over turkey sandwiches.
P.s if you are a lover of books like me get Catherine bennetto- how not to fall in love. I’ve been reading it over Christmas and it  so funny. If you are a Sophie kinsella chick flick girl then get it. And if your not still get it! I love the characters. Especially the mum she’s just your typical mum. Super funny doing all the predictable mum stuff with outbursts of anger towards Her daughter ex boyfriend!
 

Brave Heart

Yawn I'm so tiered. Christmas is cray. Why do we do it to ourselves. Its not only finding the perfect gift for your bestie, but its the house. I feel the need for it to be spotless. It needs to smell perfect, and not a speck of dust anywhere. Because if the mirror has a smear on Christmas morning, then cancel Christmas. Is it ok to cut the grass in December EVERYTHING has to be perfect EVERYTHING!
But I'm getting their the gifts are wrapped and under the tree, just a little more cleaning and delivering gifts then its go go gadget show! Bring santa the fuck on!! I'm ready for ya fatty.
Obviously I was a little more reserved when I took lottie to his grotto today. The same grotto I went to last year with a little pink ribbon around my belly and a sparkly bow. Lottie actually likes santa. I think she wanted to take a nap wrapped in his snuggly red coat. Shaun on the other hand wasn't a big fan he swore blind santa was drunk! He was so chatty it got awkward, I was like ok santa can I have my baby back please? Maybe it was the fact lotiie was dressed as an elf. OMG she looked so cute! Ill add some pics.
She's been such a good baby recently. So smiley and chill. She isn't clinging and is taking naps in her cot in the daytime, giving me a chance to eat a mince pie in piece. She's finally got 2 teeth and is sooooo close the crawling its frustrating to watch. Constipation is back thought. Poos in the bath are becoming normal. Its the most vile thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. After all those bad dreams I was on a downer. And decided to give it a break. I haven't been up to much and I've felt better. After one dream I had a such a bad spell. I did something id not done in a while and I got lottie out of her cot early in the morning and put her in bed with me. I put her in but don't dare touch her. I just need her close. I need to hear her breath and feel the comfort she brings me. This felt like a huge step back. And I was so scared the depression had returned. Meaning a step back from enjoying my life with lottie. But I took diazepam for a few nights and I'm better now.
Its strange sometimes I wake up in a morning scared with prickly skin, thinking ive had the worst dream. But after a few hours I realise I didn't even have a bad dream. Maybe its because I'm so used to waking up in that state now. Or the illness will not let me recognise the fact I had a good dream. I will ask pony next time I see her and let you know. She said this little blip is the depression fighting back. My doctor is telling me I'm fine and depression is tackling that making me think its not fine. But I just need to fight against this demon.
Hopefully I will get a chance to blog again before santa comes. If not I will let you in on a few gifts I've got for a few people. This year I've wrote my mum a poem. Me and my mum was never close before I got ill. But now we are so close I've always been super  independent and never needed anyone. Or so I thought. Until now. And without her, recovery would have been a lot harder. Heresmy poem its names brave heart.
You was their from the start,
When I had a broken heart,
Which I thought could never be fixed,
At times maybe your feelings where mixed,
Is this forever?
Will we smile again together?
And look I do,
Part of that is down to you,
Sometimes we couldn't see the end,
But we can now,
Thanks to you mum my best friend,
With ups and downs,
Laughter and frowns,
Despite our fear,
We've made it my dear,
By laughing at orange coats,
And pretending to laugh at dads jokes,
You've slept in my bed,
Don't touch me I said,
I didn't need your hugs,
When I have all your love,
Lets never look back,
At a time so black,
Lets live our dreams,
And wear smiles that beam,
We have strong hearts,
Wish we had known it from the start.

This may make no sence to some people, but mum will understand every word. I've also wrote a family bucket list which I will give to shaun on Christmas day. Evey time we do 1 off the activities on it, we will date it. I've put things on like building a sandcastle, dancing in the rain and flying a kite.
I must dash now as I've got friends round and I'm being super ignorant sat blogging. So now I've got to sit and pretend I like them just kidding. Also my friends pregnant and I want to ask her if she's doing her pelvic floor and if she's wet herself yet!

GOTCHA

Guuuuuys! why do I have such expensive taste? God if you read this blog please either give me more money or take away the expensive taste! Today whilst I haven't been trying to keep lottie entertained,  to prevent her screaming the house down. I've been browsing the internet. I've filled several shopping baskets with things including a Christian louboutin lipstick, micheal kors sandles, Chelsea boots, several eye shadow pallets and a marc Jacobs perfume. I've added them to my baskets as I am hoping to come into ££££ soon and don't want to forget what I want! Now with brill ideas such as that how am I not making thousands?
I've been to the hospital today to see the lovely lisa. I've not cried at an appointment for ages as I have been so well recently. But today didn't start good! I had a nightmare about other people hurting children and I was just begging them to stop. The room of people insisted this was normal, nobody could see that this was wrong! Once awake up I managed to work past it and get on with my day.
It wasn't until on the way to the hospital when shaun said he had a strange dream last night. I felt like id been hit in the stomach. So by the time I got to the hospital I was upset. Saying things like "I'm not normal" "this isn't depression this is a reflection off me as a person" "how can I think this way!?"
But lisa took time to explain this has nothing to do with me or how I see the world ect. This is just a bad dream that I have no control over. But this is hard to understand when its going off in my head! This went on to lisa asking me if id had any intrusive thoughts or had found myself with an urge to keep busy. I explained that I have had thought yes the odd one, but I don't feel them anymore. They don't touch me or terrify me like before. I think it and then it goes away. And yes I have been busy lately. But busy doing things I want to do rather than need to do. Its different being busy painting my nails rather than busy doing chors. So yes I have been busy, busy living my life instead of running from my mind.
Also I am on a pony ban! That's my therapist by the way. I'm on strict instructions not to see her until the 7th January! And today id heard she was free so straight away wanted to see her for a chat. Not a lets sit in THE chair and get the tissues out chat, a fun chat. About my works night out and the fact I still have an infected toe but I still wore heels #GIRLPOWER!
But I was told a big fat no. Well well well I only came out my appointment and who should be stood their? PONY so before she could make her escape I ran at her and gave her a big hug. I know as soon as she heard me scream her name she would have rolled her eyes. With happiness obvs.
Tomorrow I'm off to take my nan to do her Christmas shop. Wish me luck. Tonight I shell sharpen my elbows ready to fight for the cabbage's at morrisons!

If your happy and you know it clap you hands

Mondays are great when you don't have to get up for work. But the time has come for me to start thinking about going back to work. I really really don't want to, as I'm just starting to enjoy motherhood. But for financial reasons the time has come. So in the new year its off I pop back to work. Blergghhhh. My health workers think its a good idea for me to go back. But it gives me butterflies thinking about it. Lets forget about that for now.
Today I had my last meeting with my community worker. I'm unsure of her job title but basically she was assigned to me to help me regain normality. She has suffered post natal depression herself and has been a huge help for me. Her first visit she came to my house, and eventually we started going out for coffee just me and her and we have finished off today going to a baby group. She's help me adapt to things and her journey was pretty similar to mine.
During our first meeting I was very unwell and just cried, It was surreal to meet somebody else who has been in the same boat as me. I felt exposed and like she could see my soul. But it was nice for someone to say "yes that happened to me" Because as much as doctors tell you its happened to a lot off people. You never actually believe it. Seeing is believing.
I made the decision the end our sessions which was a hard one as I enjoy her company. But I felt selfish keep seeing her when I don't need to. I'm better now and I'm sure others need her more. So its time for her to move on and help another mum. Jeeez I'm going to cry again, but at least I'm at home now not outside the baby changing in Morrison's like earlier. Once inside the baby changing I soon forgot about feeling sad as lottie had done a big poop. On her clothes and everything baby's smelly poops can sometimes be a good distraction! I love the fact our journey started with me blorting my eyes out every 5 seconds and finished singing if you happy and you know it clap your hands!
I have a funny story also, whilst I was putting my bin away, once home from the big sing song. I left lottie in her pushchair and forgot to put the break on. Turned around and she had rolled into a bush. No harm done she was just sat looking at me like it was normal to have half her body submerged into a leafy bush. Lesson learnt!
Yesterdays blog ended because i needed a hungover nap. It was the best. I woke up hang over free. I wasn't particularly feeling ill I just was very anxious, which would have been effects from the alcohol as it is a depressant. But I was soon feeling fine and glad I let loose. I've started planning a night out for my birthday in January. My last birthday in my 20's! I was looking at my old pictures earlier and found one of me on the ironing board upside down. Remember that blog when I was trying to get lottie out the breach position? Ive added the picture to that blog if you'd like to have a look. Its not everyday you get to see a pregnant lady dangling upside down on an ironing board.  https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/11/a-foot-job.html I'm so happy to see i have readers from around the world, france, Germany, Ukraine, spain and lots from the united states. I appreciate that you take time out your day to read my blog.
Lets get back to the blog when I stated social services got involved after my trip to A&E. I was told this was standard procedure when a child goes to A&E. They did call us often to check I was ok. And they went on to book a home visit. They dealt with us in  a kind, understanding and friendly manor. In no way making me feel like I had done something wrong. They was understanding to the fact we had a few days away booked and came to visit after. The case was dropped after the visit. I was sent a report about the case. Which detailed what had happened and the fact lottie had been in the car when I had wanted to end my life. Mothers unfortunately do commit suicide when they are dealing with this illness. Now I understand these mother felt the world would be better without them. They didn't think about all the people that love them and will miss them. I've been told I cant fix the world. But maybe I can help. Help mothers not get to crisis point and help them recognise symptoms off depression. And if I cant help I can say I tried. This is a dream off mine. But my therapist said I need to be 100% better before i can think of ways to help.
Back to my case with social services. People that had been involved with me and lottie previously had been contacted. Like GPs and health visitors. My midwife gave a touching statement saying me and shaun was a very loving couple, and i was a fantastic mother. It was nice to see all those people new we was doing well even aganst the odds. The fact shaun is so supportive was logged, including the fact he took time off work to care for me and lottie. Social services wanted evidence that if ever i felt unwell i could take time out alone.
Blogging about this has been difficult as i feel some may judge. But i cant stress enough how positive the report was from social services and i don't regret it happened. This will not effect lottie in any way and no record will be kept on her "files" or mine. I also don't want people to fear getting help because this happened to me. I've spoke to lots of mums who have suffered like me and no others have had this experience. Obviously in my case they felt this was needed. And I'm glad i listened when they reassured me this was more about me than lottie. It was about a support system being put in place for me.
Previously when i said me and shaun had a little break booked. I will blog about that next and all the other things that we faced during recovery. How days after getting home we took a trip to Newcastle. And i was scared to be miles from home when i was in a vulnerable way, i just wanted to be in my comfort zone. Even if this comfort zone kept being set fire to lol. In the end the little tripped helped us. I will also goon with the story off how i came to save a life and ended up BACK in A&E not once but twice!
Oh for god sake. Whilst typing this I've put lotties tea in the oven. In a plastic container! Is it ok to give spag bol with a side serving off plastic?