How have I ended up blogging? I'm supposed to be looking into smart answers I can give tomorrow at an interview, which I have tomorrow. An interview so that I can start helping on the Hopewood mother and baby unit, helping ladies who suffered like I did, or maybe ladies that are suffering in a total different way to how I did, with different symptoms ect. But still suffering and walk around feeling like they have a stamp on their head " POST NATAL DEPRESSION".
I understand that feeling, and am lucky enough to have this opportunity to do my bit in this world that I discovered just over a year ago, but feel like it has been part of me my whole life. I am forever learning about this illness, and feel like I understand so much, yet tomorrow I feel like I have nothing to say. I cant put into actual words how I feel. How I want to help others, mother family's, friends everybody. Help mend broken hearts and broken minds, show their is a light after the shitty darkness.
I'm sat with my little notebook, googling interview questions, my book is blank and the only thing I can think to do right now is blog. The only thing I can think to do it use my blog to help. So here are a few questions I may get tomorrow, and Ill tell you (nobody...... my 1 reader? HI MUM) what ever comes to mind.
Tell me about your self? (easy I love talking about myself) I'm a mum, I'm 30 but feel about 25 and look about 12 blah blah blah.
What do I no about the organisation? I cant answer this with all facts and figures. Like a professional would. And I don't want to try and guess all the clever stuff. I just know its wonderful, and it saved my life.
Why do you want to work for us? I want to give back, I have a passion to show other women its ok, as much as it seems like this is life now, its not. I understand how much an ill lady disbelieves this, I understand the urge they have to scream "you don't understand" in the face of who ever tells them it will be ok.
What can you bring to the company? Trust. No disrespect to doctors and medical staff who do an amazing job. Nobody will trust a mum like another mum. Your baby doesn't sleep at night? neither does mine, phew she gets it. Your gagging for a cuppa, so am I, instant connection. These 2 tiny conversations happen a thousand times a day. Us mum get each other,
I feel the same can be said regarding post natal depression, to talk to a mum "who gets it", lightens the burden and makes us feel less alone, weather its baby shit or needing to take our head for a shit, sharing is caring, and I know in my situation I was more likely to listen to another mother who has recovered, than a doctor who read about it.
What are your weaknesses? Hunny look at me, I'm basically a goddess, I aint got non! Errrrrrmmm
Sometimes I may be a few minutes late because my child can wake up and the mornings just don't work! I also may present myself with frizzy hair, and a mono brow because id rather have an early night that take care of my appearance.
Another day ill slay like beyonce, ill be walking on air, lippy on feeling like I can take on the world, because my morning worked. So lets say my weakness is sometimes letting my beautiful child dictate which version of myself I will be.
Strengths? I can carry 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, car keys, phone, purse, a teddy, dummy and child all at the same time?!
My strengths are, trying to find good in all situations, my poker face and my ability to adapt to different situations. although sometimes ill let slip my true council estate self, when I'm trying to be all prim and proper.
Challenges I may face? Seriously ill ladies. Which right now, honestly I have no idea how I would deal with the situation. But In the future with training this will come. I am so driven to give my all to this. I'm aware this will be emotional, but I feel I know my limits. I am a fast learner, compassionate and tactile making me good in such situations. (PHAHAH how posh do I sound? tactile daaarling tactile)
Achievement I am proud of? I don't wanna be a barry big head but can I say more than 1? Saving a life, creating such a wonderful life for lottie and the journey I have been on since having her, I have beat depression, and given people belief that I can help others, with my ability to be honest, brave and willing.
Oh I hope they ask this one, what animal would I be? A pig, because you get to roll around in your own shit all day, with your stinking shitty friends that don't judge you. Being fats a good thing, other than the slaughter house you don't have that much to worry about. Any your pink, not very hairy and deep down everyone likes you?
Wow that's really helped yano! Like really really!
For those who read my last blog, a year on, you would have read that I lost my nana almost 2 month ago. Well today she would have been 88. OH yes 2 fat ladies, I think she got sick of me saying that joke, but id say anything to try and motivate her to stay around and meet the 2 fat ladies, But it wasn't to be.
Being at work today has been crap, its just so strange how the world continues while your hearts breaking. People moan about the loo roll epidemic and I just think how about you get that loo roll n cram it in your mouth coz its full of shit! Yet I stand and smile sweetly.
Anyway wish me luck for tomorrow, and ill update you when I get a second, maybe in a week, a year maybe 2, who knows.
Tuesday, 10 March 2020
Tuesday, 4 February 2020
1 year on!
I've decided to dust of the laptop and give the blog world an update. Its been so long I had actually forgot my password, I haven't been logging on, assuming you had all just forgot about me, but shock my old posts are still getting views!
I have no idea how to start this blog, I intend to do a few, its been a long year guys i have so much to say. I also feel blogging again may help me find my way, as it did before, but this time for a different reason.
Before I get onto the deep and meaningful cry your eyes out stuff let me start with on update on lottie seen as there wouldn't even be a blog if it wasn't for my little pea!
I'm not going to lie she is an absolute dream, she goes to bed at 8 wakes up 12 hours later, eats all her dinner and when I do the I'm going to count to 3 and then...........probably do nothing I only get to 1 and she behaves. She's so good I actually feel sorry for her. That's a thing right?
But a dream its not always been, ohhhhhhh no! Id like to say the stress of it made me loose weight but unfortunately not, the only thing I lost was my side of the bed. Because that's where lottie took up residency for a while, leaving me sandwiched between shaun and lottie.
I say sandwiched, I was more stuck, like physically stuck to them 1 on the front 1 on the back because they both sweat so much while they sleep. Every time I moved, lottie cried and every time lottie cried, shaun farted.
But I carried on night after night, sleeping(ish) when lottie wanted to sleep, waking when she wanted to wake. She was running the show and I was her puppet. She was hitting out, throwing stuff and I just thought one day things would calm down. I didn't think she needed a telling off or a naughty step, these things work themselves out? Surely she wont want to strangle me for the rest of her life, its got to stop at some point? i tell you now it gets worse.
Once I realised that I knew it was time to make lottie realise she may be the princess but i'm the queen so what i say goes! I decided it was set in stone no matter what lottie was going in her own bed, even if I never sleep again. That first night what the hell, I'm sure she was possessed and I think I got no sleep, each night I got more and more sleep which leads me to now. I have a princess who will take herself to bed no fuss. I have my side of the bed back. I miss the cuddles like crazy, I wake up missing her but i know its for her benefit.
Can you believe she is almost 2 now. She has her own personality, she loves to dance and has just started dance classes, she is such a chatterbox as well. She is my shadow and brings joy to my life. The future hopefully involves me doing more regarding postnatal depression, in the last year i have still been involved with hopewood perinatal unit as well as my normal job. My next blog i will chat more about this. I have a list of topics i want to blog about over the next few month here's a few,
My new hobby which i think is driving everyone mad (but who gives a shit it makes me happy),
Our first family holiday which was just typical us everything went wrong!
Turning 30 and my family & friends not giving a shit! (wink wink)
My nana being ill and sadly loosing her which is one of the reasons i want to blog again. This happened just over a week ago and already i miss her like crazy, i feel lost, my days are empty not being able to pop for a coffee in my Christmas mug.
I hope you have enjoyed catching up. So many people have asked for an update, and i hope not to disappoint. I hope my next few blogs make you smile.
Again this blog comes at a time in my life when all is not perfect, i am hurting but for a different reason. I am grieving, but unlike before a lot more people understand. Sadly most of us have lost a loved one, with only 1 good thing coming from that. Compassion, we are all able to comprehend and understand what another is feeling without that person uttering a single word.
I have no idea how to start this blog, I intend to do a few, its been a long year guys i have so much to say. I also feel blogging again may help me find my way, as it did before, but this time for a different reason.
Before I get onto the deep and meaningful cry your eyes out stuff let me start with on update on lottie seen as there wouldn't even be a blog if it wasn't for my little pea!
I'm not going to lie she is an absolute dream, she goes to bed at 8 wakes up 12 hours later, eats all her dinner and when I do the I'm going to count to 3 and then...........probably do nothing I only get to 1 and she behaves. She's so good I actually feel sorry for her. That's a thing right?
But a dream its not always been, ohhhhhhh no! Id like to say the stress of it made me loose weight but unfortunately not, the only thing I lost was my side of the bed. Because that's where lottie took up residency for a while, leaving me sandwiched between shaun and lottie.
I say sandwiched, I was more stuck, like physically stuck to them 1 on the front 1 on the back because they both sweat so much while they sleep. Every time I moved, lottie cried and every time lottie cried, shaun farted.
But I carried on night after night, sleeping(ish) when lottie wanted to sleep, waking when she wanted to wake. She was running the show and I was her puppet. She was hitting out, throwing stuff and I just thought one day things would calm down. I didn't think she needed a telling off or a naughty step, these things work themselves out? Surely she wont want to strangle me for the rest of her life, its got to stop at some point? i tell you now it gets worse.
Once I realised that I knew it was time to make lottie realise she may be the princess but i'm the queen so what i say goes! I decided it was set in stone no matter what lottie was going in her own bed, even if I never sleep again. That first night what the hell, I'm sure she was possessed and I think I got no sleep, each night I got more and more sleep which leads me to now. I have a princess who will take herself to bed no fuss. I have my side of the bed back. I miss the cuddles like crazy, I wake up missing her but i know its for her benefit.
Can you believe she is almost 2 now. She has her own personality, she loves to dance and has just started dance classes, she is such a chatterbox as well. She is my shadow and brings joy to my life. The future hopefully involves me doing more regarding postnatal depression, in the last year i have still been involved with hopewood perinatal unit as well as my normal job. My next blog i will chat more about this. I have a list of topics i want to blog about over the next few month here's a few,
My new hobby which i think is driving everyone mad (but who gives a shit it makes me happy),
Our first family holiday which was just typical us everything went wrong!
Turning 30 and my family & friends not giving a shit! (wink wink)
My nana being ill and sadly loosing her which is one of the reasons i want to blog again. This happened just over a week ago and already i miss her like crazy, i feel lost, my days are empty not being able to pop for a coffee in my Christmas mug.
I hope you have enjoyed catching up. So many people have asked for an update, and i hope not to disappoint. I hope my next few blogs make you smile.
Again this blog comes at a time in my life when all is not perfect, i am hurting but for a different reason. I am grieving, but unlike before a lot more people understand. Sadly most of us have lost a loved one, with only 1 good thing coming from that. Compassion, we are all able to comprehend and understand what another is feeling without that person uttering a single word.
Monday, 3 June 2019
Comparenting
Missed me? Well if you have, haven't, or couldn't give a shit, I've missed you. And I've just had to scratch my blogging itch and log on to tell you about something that's been bugging me recently. COMPARENTING! Basically its just me and shaun or who ever you share your parent job with comparing day to day tasks. The conversation usually starts with something along the lines of "will you change her poo this time?"
the response will be something like, "I did it last time"
"yeah and I did it the time before, woopiedoo"
"well the one I did smelt worse"
then it can totally change direction and go some place random and you start recalling the Christmas you cooked diner for 5, served a cheese board AND washed the pots.
Conversations like this are happening daily now and I have even started storing things up ready for a comparing sesh, I'm counting how many cups I wash or who puts the most shopping away after our weekly Saturday shop. Someone tell me this is a thing, even if you don't have children, I'm sure we did it pre lottie, just not as much, and not about human poo.
Fingers crossed we don't have a comparenting battle tonight as I have done eff all. But it was hard work! Little miss lottie I have no idea what is wrong with her its feels like she's 3 month old again, I'm back to the days when I can not get anything done, eat, drink or anything. She just constantly wants mama, and what ever mama has. Leaving me not being able to eat without her crying, poo without her staring at me or text my 1 friend to complain about being strapped to the sofa.
I do love how she wants cuddles all the time but its harder work now she's a big girl, shes heavy and wants to climb all over me and only me. Leaving me with a bruised tummy. You may read this and think, well don't pick her up. Trust me I try but I cant leave her to cry, it hurts my heart. Shauns tried to help but sometimes she wont even go to him. And I feel guilty for moaning when he says its not that bad, but I look over at him chilling solo giggling at Britain's got talent, while I sit with lottie chewing on my hearing aid at 10pm clearly absolutely shattered but having to much fun using mummy as a bouncy castle and slavering all over my new pyjamas.
Pyjamas that I thought was going to change my life. Oh a life without my pyjamas cutting into my sides, heaven. Its not heaven after all, they are 2 long and I keep tripping up. So I either risk loosing circulation in my legs in my old ones or a black eye in my new ones, either way I'm still not getting dressed before 12.
I did actually get dressed today, but I cant remember doing so as I had a toddler climbing me like a tree, it was hectic and it wasn't until I got to baby group I actually sat down and realised id not washed my face. And what really got my goat is while I was at baby group someone decided to offer me parenting advice. Which I appreciate, but the timing was off. Most of the other babies are sat on the floor playing and all lottie wants to do is chill and sqirm on my knee.
When the toys came out she wanted 1 but didn't want to leave me to get one. So I took her over to the toys and left her. She just cried and crawled after me. When I sat back down, lets call her nanny Brenda who had obviously been watching me and lottie, pipes up and says "oh it will pass, my daughter in law with her 1st child blah blah blah" That little angry voice in my head was bursting to just say well why don't we call your daughter in law and get her to come over and ill hand her a parent of the year award. And while she's on her way she can pick me up a frapachino because I NEED a drink. And if I'm naughty while your daughter in law is here can she please put me on the naughty step because I need 5! But thanks for trying Brenda but at that moment......just no.
Pre lotties 1st birthday, or even last week I was so smug. Things have been running so smooth, but now its like I have a different baby. Don't get me wrong she's perfect but when she's having tantrums I start over thinking, is it me? does she hate me? dose she think I hate her so its making her hate me? She has discovered anger, she screams she throws, she pouts her lips out and snorts like a little pig, it was funny at first but now its getting on my uneven tits a bit!
During my google search to find others in the same unfit mother state, I found an interesting fact. The brains of toddlers are a lot more advanced than the body, leading to frustration. For example they want to talk and understand words, but can put words together to have a conversation them selves, they want to stack blocks but don't have the skills yet to do so, their mind gets it but their hands don't, meaning they hate life at that moment.
I am trying to remember this when she is chucking herself around, but its hard when she's chucking building blocks in my face. I am back at work tomorrow after a few days off, giving my back a break from carrying ten ton tess round all day. As much as I moan I will miss her so much.
I must dash, shaun has just got back from taking lottie on a road trip for an hour to give me a break. I think he could see I needed it when he got in and I was crying because id been trying to wash the pots since 10am and had still not washed my face.
Being a mum is the most amazing job in the world, and its so special now I'm starting to see a little of her sassy personality. But when nap times are up in the air, and little one has decided to piss all over your perfect routine and decides to go to sleep on a park tyre swing thing like a homeless person (yes that happened today), you need to take 5 have a cuppa and wash your armpits (yes pushing her while she slept on a tyre all morning was sweaty work)
.
Thanks for reading my lovely's and please tell me this comparenting, sweaty betty, clingy baby life isn't just me.
the response will be something like, "I did it last time"
"yeah and I did it the time before, woopiedoo"
"well the one I did smelt worse"
then it can totally change direction and go some place random and you start recalling the Christmas you cooked diner for 5, served a cheese board AND washed the pots.
Conversations like this are happening daily now and I have even started storing things up ready for a comparing sesh, I'm counting how many cups I wash or who puts the most shopping away after our weekly Saturday shop. Someone tell me this is a thing, even if you don't have children, I'm sure we did it pre lottie, just not as much, and not about human poo.
Fingers crossed we don't have a comparenting battle tonight as I have done eff all. But it was hard work! Little miss lottie I have no idea what is wrong with her its feels like she's 3 month old again, I'm back to the days when I can not get anything done, eat, drink or anything. She just constantly wants mama, and what ever mama has. Leaving me not being able to eat without her crying, poo without her staring at me or text my 1 friend to complain about being strapped to the sofa.
I do love how she wants cuddles all the time but its harder work now she's a big girl, shes heavy and wants to climb all over me and only me. Leaving me with a bruised tummy. You may read this and think, well don't pick her up. Trust me I try but I cant leave her to cry, it hurts my heart. Shauns tried to help but sometimes she wont even go to him. And I feel guilty for moaning when he says its not that bad, but I look over at him chilling solo giggling at Britain's got talent, while I sit with lottie chewing on my hearing aid at 10pm clearly absolutely shattered but having to much fun using mummy as a bouncy castle and slavering all over my new pyjamas.
Pyjamas that I thought was going to change my life. Oh a life without my pyjamas cutting into my sides, heaven. Its not heaven after all, they are 2 long and I keep tripping up. So I either risk loosing circulation in my legs in my old ones or a black eye in my new ones, either way I'm still not getting dressed before 12.
I did actually get dressed today, but I cant remember doing so as I had a toddler climbing me like a tree, it was hectic and it wasn't until I got to baby group I actually sat down and realised id not washed my face. And what really got my goat is while I was at baby group someone decided to offer me parenting advice. Which I appreciate, but the timing was off. Most of the other babies are sat on the floor playing and all lottie wants to do is chill and sqirm on my knee.
When the toys came out she wanted 1 but didn't want to leave me to get one. So I took her over to the toys and left her. She just cried and crawled after me. When I sat back down, lets call her nanny Brenda who had obviously been watching me and lottie, pipes up and says "oh it will pass, my daughter in law with her 1st child blah blah blah" That little angry voice in my head was bursting to just say well why don't we call your daughter in law and get her to come over and ill hand her a parent of the year award. And while she's on her way she can pick me up a frapachino because I NEED a drink. And if I'm naughty while your daughter in law is here can she please put me on the naughty step because I need 5! But thanks for trying Brenda but at that moment......just no.
Pre lotties 1st birthday, or even last week I was so smug. Things have been running so smooth, but now its like I have a different baby. Don't get me wrong she's perfect but when she's having tantrums I start over thinking, is it me? does she hate me? dose she think I hate her so its making her hate me? She has discovered anger, she screams she throws, she pouts her lips out and snorts like a little pig, it was funny at first but now its getting on my uneven tits a bit!
During my google search to find others in the same unfit mother state, I found an interesting fact. The brains of toddlers are a lot more advanced than the body, leading to frustration. For example they want to talk and understand words, but can put words together to have a conversation them selves, they want to stack blocks but don't have the skills yet to do so, their mind gets it but their hands don't, meaning they hate life at that moment.
I am trying to remember this when she is chucking herself around, but its hard when she's chucking building blocks in my face. I am back at work tomorrow after a few days off, giving my back a break from carrying ten ton tess round all day. As much as I moan I will miss her so much.
I must dash, shaun has just got back from taking lottie on a road trip for an hour to give me a break. I think he could see I needed it when he got in and I was crying because id been trying to wash the pots since 10am and had still not washed my face.
Being a mum is the most amazing job in the world, and its so special now I'm starting to see a little of her sassy personality. But when nap times are up in the air, and little one has decided to piss all over your perfect routine and decides to go to sleep on a park tyre swing thing like a homeless person (yes that happened today), you need to take 5 have a cuppa and wash your armpits (yes pushing her while she slept on a tyre all morning was sweaty work)
.
Thanks for reading my lovely's and please tell me this comparenting, sweaty betty, clingy baby life isn't just me.
Sunday, 5 May 2019
Relationship blues
I just can keep away! I said I wouldn't post again until Christmas but the blogging itch has returned and I really want to tell you something I didn't mention in my last blog, and that's my roller-coaster of a marriage. Its hard to admit when things are less than perfect. But now I feel ready to open up to you guys a little more, and hopefully some of you will relate, and stop me posting the divorce papers, just kidding its not THAT bad but its not been THAT good either.
I don't no if its been tough due to the postnatal depression or just having a baby in general puts the brakes on your happy relationship bubble. My guess is its a combination of both. And the fact I was expecting at least a year of a post marriage high. I was dreaming of lazy morning cuddling in bed ignoring the fact we both have vile morning breath, romantic weekends away, candle lit bath, and lots of hanky panky not just your "ok go on then but be quick" hanky panky I'm talking call me wifey, take your time hanky panky.
But it wasn't to be. We started trying for a baby on our wedding night (yes we was one of the lucky couples that could be arsed after their big day), thinking it will take a while for the mud to stick but oh no we only went and conceived the very first time. We got back from our honeymoon and shortly after found out we was having a baby. We are super blessed it happened so fast for us as I am aware of the struggle some people face. But hold on a minute I'm 6 month into marriage, I've gained over a stone in weight, sex is like a swear word to me, matching underwear? fuck THAT pass me those size 16 panties and a sports bra and my new husband smells like bacon and I cant stand to be near him. The only benefit of my changing body being my titties, for once i actually had pair. But touch them and your dead!
I always pictured being pregnant would do wonders for a relationship. I wanted shaun to be falling asleep with his hand on my bump and to feel that connection with my partner as we now share a little life. But the only think i felt was constant trap wind. I could tell shaun couldn't wait to be a daddy and i always new he would do a fantastic job. But whilst i was pregnant i expected him to be glued to my hip and the fact he wasn't repeatedly asking if baby was kicking drove me mad. Being extra hormonal id cry and cry insisting he wasn't bothered. And it broke my heart why didn't he sing to her like i did? why wasn't he looking out for her every movement?
Since chatting to others and reflecting on this i understand shauns situation a little more. To us mums we feel this huge kick just for dad to say they didn't feel it. We see them roll and turn and dad always looks over that second to late missing the action. It must be harder for them to make that connection.
The times he did have a hand on my tummy when she moved was super magical.
I look back at our relationship and as i progressed in pregnancy and when lottie has been getting older our relationship just became less and less important to us. I mean do you even interact at all when you first have your baby? I don't remember 1 conversation we had just about normal stuff. It was all, do you think she's warm enough or have you changed her nappy today? If i could go back i would try my best to have been more us, if that's possible with a new born. We wasn't shaun and chelsey we was mummy and daddy. The people we was drifting further into the background.
What did we have to talk about, its not like i had anything interesting to tell him for the first few month unless he wants an update on Jeremy kyle or how it took lottie 13 minutes instead of 15 to drink her bottle. We needed to get out more but leaving your new bundle of joy its not an option. I remember one time we went on a date night to the cinema. We was both on edge checking our phone and raced home without a word.
Then i was labelled as depressed and was under the hospital going back and forward several tims a week and that became our new topic of conversation, that's if i spoke at all. The dynamic of our relationship totally changed i was no longer a bossy boots, i was venerable unable to make decisions and needed looking after.
Shaun had to sort my medication as i could be trusted with it alone, he had to drive me to and from the hospital as i couldn't drive, cook, clean and he had to be with me 24/7 as i couldn't be left alone. The people we was and the relationship we had being pushed back even further. This situation made my heart ache. I felt shaun was loosing respect for me and i was starting to irritate him. Like the time i cut my feet open, meaning i could no longer walk.
Sometimes i would have good days and try to re light our spark see, https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-glam-squad.html?m=1but it all just felt a little bit forced. I honestly thought the old us was gone. I was going to bed early as i couldn't face the silence, we no longer sat together, hugged or spoke about us. We get told about the baby blues but nobody warns us about what I'm now calling the relationship blues. We entered parenthood care free and more in love than ever. Overnight we became cash strapped people with a huge responsibility and no time for each other.
The good news is tonight a year on from becoming parents we both said this past few days, celebrating lotties birthday has really brought us back together. Things seem calm, natural, even managing our first candle lit bath since we became married almost 2 years ago. Not quite how i imagined as i was sat on a bath toy and lottie had to jump in with us but it was perfect. We haven't
argued about how we parent different, he has his way i have mine i think we have both realised its not
him and me its us and we work together.
I think its been a case of adjusting. We had an active social life before and couldn't spend 10 minutes together without having a cheeky snog, and it was like this for 8 years. We have had to find our new perfect, its took a whole year. Luckily we don't really argue and never raise our voices it just feels like we was paused for a while. Forgetting about each other a little. But never forgetting that we are sole mates. And unfortunately with every high comes a low and this was our low. We are chelsey and shaun again and we got their as soon as we stopped trying and forcing what we HAD. Because we will never have that again. We have found our new perfect which one that involves an extra little person. Which is exactly the same but totally different.
P.S The fact he uses the tea towel as a hand towel still drives me so mad i cant even explain. And today when i caught him doing it, i didn't say a word i just took the tea towel off him, walked on the back garden and chucked it over the 7ft fence. I will keep doing this until he stops or we have no tea towels left at all, unless we count the dirty ones in a pile next to a tree.
I don't no if its been tough due to the postnatal depression or just having a baby in general puts the brakes on your happy relationship bubble. My guess is its a combination of both. And the fact I was expecting at least a year of a post marriage high. I was dreaming of lazy morning cuddling in bed ignoring the fact we both have vile morning breath, romantic weekends away, candle lit bath, and lots of hanky panky not just your "ok go on then but be quick" hanky panky I'm talking call me wifey, take your time hanky panky.
But it wasn't to be. We started trying for a baby on our wedding night (yes we was one of the lucky couples that could be arsed after their big day), thinking it will take a while for the mud to stick but oh no we only went and conceived the very first time. We got back from our honeymoon and shortly after found out we was having a baby. We are super blessed it happened so fast for us as I am aware of the struggle some people face. But hold on a minute I'm 6 month into marriage, I've gained over a stone in weight, sex is like a swear word to me, matching underwear? fuck THAT pass me those size 16 panties and a sports bra and my new husband smells like bacon and I cant stand to be near him. The only benefit of my changing body being my titties, for once i actually had pair. But touch them and your dead!
I always pictured being pregnant would do wonders for a relationship. I wanted shaun to be falling asleep with his hand on my bump and to feel that connection with my partner as we now share a little life. But the only think i felt was constant trap wind. I could tell shaun couldn't wait to be a daddy and i always new he would do a fantastic job. But whilst i was pregnant i expected him to be glued to my hip and the fact he wasn't repeatedly asking if baby was kicking drove me mad. Being extra hormonal id cry and cry insisting he wasn't bothered. And it broke my heart why didn't he sing to her like i did? why wasn't he looking out for her every movement?
Since chatting to others and reflecting on this i understand shauns situation a little more. To us mums we feel this huge kick just for dad to say they didn't feel it. We see them roll and turn and dad always looks over that second to late missing the action. It must be harder for them to make that connection.
The times he did have a hand on my tummy when she moved was super magical.
I look back at our relationship and as i progressed in pregnancy and when lottie has been getting older our relationship just became less and less important to us. I mean do you even interact at all when you first have your baby? I don't remember 1 conversation we had just about normal stuff. It was all, do you think she's warm enough or have you changed her nappy today? If i could go back i would try my best to have been more us, if that's possible with a new born. We wasn't shaun and chelsey we was mummy and daddy. The people we was drifting further into the background.
What did we have to talk about, its not like i had anything interesting to tell him for the first few month unless he wants an update on Jeremy kyle or how it took lottie 13 minutes instead of 15 to drink her bottle. We needed to get out more but leaving your new bundle of joy its not an option. I remember one time we went on a date night to the cinema. We was both on edge checking our phone and raced home without a word.
Then i was labelled as depressed and was under the hospital going back and forward several tims a week and that became our new topic of conversation, that's if i spoke at all. The dynamic of our relationship totally changed i was no longer a bossy boots, i was venerable unable to make decisions and needed looking after.
Shaun had to sort my medication as i could be trusted with it alone, he had to drive me to and from the hospital as i couldn't drive, cook, clean and he had to be with me 24/7 as i couldn't be left alone. The people we was and the relationship we had being pushed back even further. This situation made my heart ache. I felt shaun was loosing respect for me and i was starting to irritate him. Like the time i cut my feet open, meaning i could no longer walk.
Sometimes i would have good days and try to re light our spark see, https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-glam-squad.html?m=1but it all just felt a little bit forced. I honestly thought the old us was gone. I was going to bed early as i couldn't face the silence, we no longer sat together, hugged or spoke about us. We get told about the baby blues but nobody warns us about what I'm now calling the relationship blues. We entered parenthood care free and more in love than ever. Overnight we became cash strapped people with a huge responsibility and no time for each other.
The good news is tonight a year on from becoming parents we both said this past few days, celebrating lotties birthday has really brought us back together. Things seem calm, natural, even managing our first candle lit bath since we became married almost 2 years ago. Not quite how i imagined as i was sat on a bath toy and lottie had to jump in with us but it was perfect. We haven't
argued about how we parent different, he has his way i have mine i think we have both realised its not
him and me its us and we work together.
I think its been a case of adjusting. We had an active social life before and couldn't spend 10 minutes together without having a cheeky snog, and it was like this for 8 years. We have had to find our new perfect, its took a whole year. Luckily we don't really argue and never raise our voices it just feels like we was paused for a while. Forgetting about each other a little. But never forgetting that we are sole mates. And unfortunately with every high comes a low and this was our low. We are chelsey and shaun again and we got their as soon as we stopped trying and forcing what we HAD. Because we will never have that again. We have found our new perfect which one that involves an extra little person. Which is exactly the same but totally different.
P.S The fact he uses the tea towel as a hand towel still drives me so mad i cant even explain. And today when i caught him doing it, i didn't say a word i just took the tea towel off him, walked on the back garden and chucked it over the 7ft fence. I will keep doing this until he stops or we have no tea towels left at all, unless we count the dirty ones in a pile next to a tree.
Thursday, 2 May 2019
As promised
As promised I said I would update you all on how things are going in my crazy world, on lotties birthday. And todays the day. I have missed blogging SO much. Yano when you leave the house and your sure you've forgot something or you walk upstairs and have no idea why, that's how i've felt without my blog. Like somethings not right, the first few weeks being the worst. When anything happened that was happy, sad or I needed to vent I was just bursting to sit with my laptop, tap away at the keyboard and share it with you guys. Doing so made life make sense, sitting letting it all out telling my story emptied me of my demons. I never realised how difficult it would be when I wasn't able to do this anymore. Blogging makes me exited it gives my butterflies, because their is a chance my words may have an impact on someone's life, even if that means just putting a smile on their face it gives me a purpose.
Id like so say since I last spoke, I've lost a stone, got rid of the toe infection and resumed my pre lottie gym schedule but the truth is I've cancelled my gym membership, I still have mum tum and my toe is still killing me! The only thing that's changed really is the fact I get time to wax my chin every 2 week and i love being a mummy more and more each day.
Becoming a parent made me think id miss out on fun things like nights out with the girls or expensive holidays abroad. Never for a minute thinking it may be the other way round, I'm missing out by not being a mummy. Id never known true love, or looked at someone and seen my whole world in their eyes until i set eyes on lottie.
I did love her from day 1 i remember so well the love that i felt for her from the beginning but, i don't remember her before she was 6 month old. I don't remember holding her, feeding her or how many times she woke in the night. I think i was far to ill to sit and cherish those moments. And it breaks my heart, My mind was elsewhere i was more focused on fighting to be alive. Even though i was walking round in a blur 1 thing was clear i had to live. I may not remember much but i remember looking at lottie and she gave me the courage to keep going. Her cry got me out of bed in the morning and her needs told me i was needed.
This time last year the surgans was working on getting lottie un-stuck after id been in labour for 3 days. And since then ive been trying to figure out everything that happened during my labour. But the past few days i have re lived every second. Its crystal clear. How strange is that ive answered all my own questions. Ive been a wake in the night bracing myself for the pain and the strange thing is lottie has woken with me each time. She's in a different room she's fast asleep yet we still feel each others hurt. That's why i had to get better.
Id love to say I'm 100% I wish I was and I though I was until about a month ago. I just took a huge step backwards I felt sick all the time, I couldn't feed lottie because I was shaking so much and to make matters worse I had to go to work. I couldn't get ready in a morning I was so confused nothing was making sense. I tried to deal with it for a few days until I did the sensible thing and saw the gp. It was a case of upping my medication and after a few days I had bounced back. PHEW.
Being a working mum is HARD! How do you mums make it look so easy? With your sleek hair and trouser suits. While I'm running down the street, car keys in my mouth, lottie on my back and the same pants on I wore to bed.
My boss did take me to 1 side and had a word with me about the fact I get to work a few minutes late. I actually burst out crying. That morning lottie had clung to me and didn't want to go to nursery and I was trying my best. I'm super organised i get everything ready the night before but even if i set off the day before i had to actually be at work i would probably still be late. Is this normal or am i doing working mum all wrong?
Maybe i will ask my new mum friends. I have true mum friends, to the outside world groups of mums look pretty boring (sorry but we do). With our ankle boots on, our bags or sensible stuff like hand gel and spf50 but now I'm part of the crew dam i've been missing out. We can stay up all night, we look like we are doing the walk of shame most mornings with our messy hair and blurry eyes and we piss ourselves on the daily.
I seem to meet new people all the time. I can find it odd when it comes to sharing mum stories. I feel like the world has read my blog and wonder if people i meet have done so. One question i do struggle with is the when will you have another baby question? As i wont. I understand lottie has no memory of me not being unwell thank the lord. But say she's older and i have another baby and get ill. I cant let her see her mummy and daddy hurting.
Despite all the horrible stuff that's happened its been an amazing year. I've learnt so much, real hurt, true happiness and how baby poo isn't baby poo its adult poo! its more than adult poo, she poops more than me. I've experience great kindness, shared my story with people the other side of the world oh and did i mention i saved a life!!!! https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-ambulence.html
I still can not believe people read my blog around the world. The odd time i have checked if anyone has been reading and wow yes you have. Its bizarre that i have so many more views in America than i do in the uk. You American's must be desperate for a distraction from trump and his wall. And the views have almost hit 12,000 step aside oprah. Thank you for living this with me and giving me my purpose when i needed one.
I did find a new little hobby while I've been away and its selling baby hair bows. I add my own touch with a few diamantes and bling them up with little ones names and glitter. I'm having fun and its paid for Lottie's next term of swimming lessons. So if you are reading this and have helped with my new venture thank you.
I plan on doing another blog at Christmas. This time i hope i have more to say. You look ahead and see your world changing, or am i just a dreamer. By Christmas i think i will have got round to dusting the tv cabinet, helped mums suffering with post natal depression, wrote a book, started getting to work on time or even sacked my job off and my bows will feature in vouge.
Its 45 minutes until midnight. Its the perfect end to a perfect day. I have loved celebrating Lottie's first year of life, at times i have felt like it is my birthday. You should have seen me in build a bear, i was stuffing that thing like i was on drugs.
Things may not have always been perfect but she is.
Between now and then i hope my dreams come true and so does yours to.
Love the farnsworths x
Id like so say since I last spoke, I've lost a stone, got rid of the toe infection and resumed my pre lottie gym schedule but the truth is I've cancelled my gym membership, I still have mum tum and my toe is still killing me! The only thing that's changed really is the fact I get time to wax my chin every 2 week and i love being a mummy more and more each day.
Becoming a parent made me think id miss out on fun things like nights out with the girls or expensive holidays abroad. Never for a minute thinking it may be the other way round, I'm missing out by not being a mummy. Id never known true love, or looked at someone and seen my whole world in their eyes until i set eyes on lottie.
I did love her from day 1 i remember so well the love that i felt for her from the beginning but, i don't remember her before she was 6 month old. I don't remember holding her, feeding her or how many times she woke in the night. I think i was far to ill to sit and cherish those moments. And it breaks my heart, My mind was elsewhere i was more focused on fighting to be alive. Even though i was walking round in a blur 1 thing was clear i had to live. I may not remember much but i remember looking at lottie and she gave me the courage to keep going. Her cry got me out of bed in the morning and her needs told me i was needed.
This time last year the surgans was working on getting lottie un-stuck after id been in labour for 3 days. And since then ive been trying to figure out everything that happened during my labour. But the past few days i have re lived every second. Its crystal clear. How strange is that ive answered all my own questions. Ive been a wake in the night bracing myself for the pain and the strange thing is lottie has woken with me each time. She's in a different room she's fast asleep yet we still feel each others hurt. That's why i had to get better.
Id love to say I'm 100% I wish I was and I though I was until about a month ago. I just took a huge step backwards I felt sick all the time, I couldn't feed lottie because I was shaking so much and to make matters worse I had to go to work. I couldn't get ready in a morning I was so confused nothing was making sense. I tried to deal with it for a few days until I did the sensible thing and saw the gp. It was a case of upping my medication and after a few days I had bounced back. PHEW.
Being a working mum is HARD! How do you mums make it look so easy? With your sleek hair and trouser suits. While I'm running down the street, car keys in my mouth, lottie on my back and the same pants on I wore to bed.
My boss did take me to 1 side and had a word with me about the fact I get to work a few minutes late. I actually burst out crying. That morning lottie had clung to me and didn't want to go to nursery and I was trying my best. I'm super organised i get everything ready the night before but even if i set off the day before i had to actually be at work i would probably still be late. Is this normal or am i doing working mum all wrong?
Maybe i will ask my new mum friends. I have true mum friends, to the outside world groups of mums look pretty boring (sorry but we do). With our ankle boots on, our bags or sensible stuff like hand gel and spf50 but now I'm part of the crew dam i've been missing out. We can stay up all night, we look like we are doing the walk of shame most mornings with our messy hair and blurry eyes and we piss ourselves on the daily.
I seem to meet new people all the time. I can find it odd when it comes to sharing mum stories. I feel like the world has read my blog and wonder if people i meet have done so. One question i do struggle with is the when will you have another baby question? As i wont. I understand lottie has no memory of me not being unwell thank the lord. But say she's older and i have another baby and get ill. I cant let her see her mummy and daddy hurting.
Despite all the horrible stuff that's happened its been an amazing year. I've learnt so much, real hurt, true happiness and how baby poo isn't baby poo its adult poo! its more than adult poo, she poops more than me. I've experience great kindness, shared my story with people the other side of the world oh and did i mention i saved a life!!!! https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-ambulence.html
I still can not believe people read my blog around the world. The odd time i have checked if anyone has been reading and wow yes you have. Its bizarre that i have so many more views in America than i do in the uk. You American's must be desperate for a distraction from trump and his wall. And the views have almost hit 12,000 step aside oprah. Thank you for living this with me and giving me my purpose when i needed one.
I did find a new little hobby while I've been away and its selling baby hair bows. I add my own touch with a few diamantes and bling them up with little ones names and glitter. I'm having fun and its paid for Lottie's next term of swimming lessons. So if you are reading this and have helped with my new venture thank you.
I plan on doing another blog at Christmas. This time i hope i have more to say. You look ahead and see your world changing, or am i just a dreamer. By Christmas i think i will have got round to dusting the tv cabinet, helped mums suffering with post natal depression, wrote a book, started getting to work on time or even sacked my job off and my bows will feature in vouge.
Its 45 minutes until midnight. Its the perfect end to a perfect day. I have loved celebrating Lottie's first year of life, at times i have felt like it is my birthday. You should have seen me in build a bear, i was stuffing that thing like i was on drugs.
Things may not have always been perfect but she is.
Between now and then i hope my dreams come true and so does yours to.
Love the farnsworths x
Tuesday, 12 March 2019
Goodbye for now
How do i follow on from Shaun's amazing blog. I saw it with the same eyes as you did. I heard those words for the first time like all you readers. I woke up to it this morning. I had no idea how shaun felt, but him blogging has given me, you and maybe even him an insight on how it is for the other person.
I hope blogging has helped him let go a little, deep down I still think he is struggling to process what has happened. Sometimes I expect him to just be ok because I'm ok now. I just click my fingers and go I'm better now but he needs time to get over this also. For a while he lost me, lost us and now we need to concentrate on finding our normal.
We need to discover life as a family minus trips to the hospital and nights spent blogging (as much as I love it). We need to be chelsey, shaun and lottie. Not chelsey shaun, lottie with a hospital family, a blog family and an illness. Its been wonderful meeting all these people and having such amazing support but for now all we need is each other.
Id love to say we will run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But as positive as I feel life just isn't that easy. We will face life hurdles as we all do but whats changed now is the fact we understand what ever happens as long as we have each other things will get better.
I don't see us having more babies. During my last appointment I was informed their is a 30% chance of me getting depression in future pregnancies, and I would probably be under the care of the hospital potentially before the little one was even born. So for now its a no from me. When I look to the future I don't crave another child, I just see my little family of 3 and that's fine with me.
Going forward I would love to do more work with the hospital, and that was also spoke about during my last appointment. But I've been told to forget about that for now and just concentrate on living my new hospital free life apparently I need a "clean brake" for a while. I have to leave them the hell alone until at least july. And then we can start looking at ways I can help out. I cant bloody wait.
My last appointment was awful. Firstly because amy (pony) and lisa lottie and me was sat in the smallest room and I hate shit like that, I feel like I cant breath. They couldn't stress enough how proud they was of me, telling me I had done all they asked of me and more. And I did, I never missed 1 single appointment. When they advised me to make changes to the way I was acting or thinking as much effort as I felt it was I did it. They may have had to nag but I took all the steps. Sometimes thinking what the hell that's never going to work, but it has.
Meditation.....worked, trusting myself to be alone......worked, blogging.......worked, making my Yorkshire pudding with lard instead of oil......didn't work! The list of things they had me doing especially my nurse lisa was endless.
As it got closer and closer to the end of my appointment my eyes started filling up more and more with tears. Then 1 fell from my eye and the rest followed. How can I get up and walk away? Walk away from my safe place? Where I can run to and be understood. How do I get up from the chair that hugs me each time I sit in it, walk out the door I have ran in when I needed to hide and leave the people who tell me it will be ok.
It was impossible to turn my back on them and walk away. So both lisa and amy left the room first leaving me in their alone with lottie and shaun ready to leave when I felt it was time. Watching them walk away was incredibly painful and I cry now just thinking about it.
I can never explain what these people mean to me and how they have changed our life. I hate to think what would have been without them, and my midwife who came to my rescue when i almost took my life. Who made the right decisions at the right time.
All these wonderful people came into my world and have made such a difference, a&e, the crisis team, my heath visitor who got me feeling comfortable enough to massage lottie, social services who made me feel I was doing mum life right regardless of my illness, the receptionists at the hospital who acted like it was normal for me to try and hold a conversation whilst crying so much I couldn't talk. My nurse who got me out the house when I didn't even want to get out of bed.
Listed above are all people that I have met post depression. Now for the people who new the real me. The people who's opinion matter the most. my family and friends, thank you for putting up with me through this, believe it or not I hate the fact its been the chelsey show. ok I love it to be the chelsey show but not in this situation. So can we go back to talking about pointless crap that's going on in ALL our life, like mums new plumb wallpaper, dads pointless diet (give up your fatter than when you started) and facial hair.
Thank you shaun for doing your all to understand. Never walking away and making this hell a little easier to live in.
Thank you to my little lottie. I would face depression for the rest of my life for you. You are worth every tear I have cried and more. Your smile has been infectious and your cry has dragged me out of bed when nothing else would. You will never remember when I would sit holding you tight at 2am petrified we was in danger. I no now their was nothing to fear, just fear itself.
Its amazing something so perfect has come from something so unperfect. My worst fear being that you would come to harm. You was my reason to live when I didn't understand what I was fighting I would still fight. Because the most important thing to me was you needing your mum to protect you
and that will never ever change.
And thank you. you. who ever you are reading this right now thank you for taking the time. Thank you to every single person who has reached out no matter how small the message I can assure you I have appreciated every single one. I started this with just 2 readers and it has grown and grown. So shout out to my day 1s. If you read them all, thank you. If you read 1 or 2 thank you. If you understood, tried to understand or just hung around for the laughs thank you.
A lot of messages of support you send start with " you may have heard this a thousand time" and yes I have but it never gets boring I get overwhelmed with the kind words, each one reminding me I'm not alone. We all have a fight they are all different, but what is the same is the FIGHT. Its shit it hurts but we all have the ability to do it. I said I in a previous blog, I feel I am moving forward with a lorry strapped to my back and that's exactly how I feel recovery has been. Slow and painful but worth it as I am a better person than I was before.
Can you believe I have only been blogging for 4 month?? It feels like I have been doing it my whole life, and it times its all I had in my life. A focus, battle on today and then I get to moan to the computer screen about how shit life is treating me, or I would have a really good positive moment and would be itching to get home to tell my internet stranger friends.
The ones who most of the time never spoke back but somehow I felt you was listening. Often blogging was the only time I felt safe to be alone. Shaun would walk in the room and I would ask him to leave, I needed this time to concentrate, so I could get my story across the best I could.
I have said lots of time how I could never be alone shaun had to be glued to me so I'm sure he enjoyed the time I would sit and type. And he trusted me, because I trusted myself when blogging because someone was always reading, so was I really alone? i didn't feel it I felt safe. You guys clicking and reading really helped.
I hardly read my posts back, today I attempted to do so.i got as far as
https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html and I just cant do it. The blogs wrote between the end of November and December are just to intense for me right now. I do plan to look back but maybe not all in 1 go. If you follow me on facebook or twitter I will post on their as I read them what I think about them. My twitter is @dummymummy6.
For this blog I have taken notes, highlighted them organised them and now I have not even used them. I am so much better at just writing what I feel in the here and now, that's what I have done from the start and its how I shell finish.
So I have reached the end. For now, I will return on or just after lotties 1st birthday which is 2nd may. I will look forward to chatting to my screen again soon and will jot things down along the way.
I hope between now and then we make lots of memories that i can share with you. I hope to remain
in a good place. I wish my internet stranger friends luck and happiness.
Goodbye
This is so hard to press POST. How do I finish?
Well actually I need a poo so I need to dash.
Loveya
I hope blogging has helped him let go a little, deep down I still think he is struggling to process what has happened. Sometimes I expect him to just be ok because I'm ok now. I just click my fingers and go I'm better now but he needs time to get over this also. For a while he lost me, lost us and now we need to concentrate on finding our normal.
We need to discover life as a family minus trips to the hospital and nights spent blogging (as much as I love it). We need to be chelsey, shaun and lottie. Not chelsey shaun, lottie with a hospital family, a blog family and an illness. Its been wonderful meeting all these people and having such amazing support but for now all we need is each other.
Id love to say we will run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But as positive as I feel life just isn't that easy. We will face life hurdles as we all do but whats changed now is the fact we understand what ever happens as long as we have each other things will get better.
I don't see us having more babies. During my last appointment I was informed their is a 30% chance of me getting depression in future pregnancies, and I would probably be under the care of the hospital potentially before the little one was even born. So for now its a no from me. When I look to the future I don't crave another child, I just see my little family of 3 and that's fine with me.
Going forward I would love to do more work with the hospital, and that was also spoke about during my last appointment. But I've been told to forget about that for now and just concentrate on living my new hospital free life apparently I need a "clean brake" for a while. I have to leave them the hell alone until at least july. And then we can start looking at ways I can help out. I cant bloody wait.
My last appointment was awful. Firstly because amy (pony) and lisa lottie and me was sat in the smallest room and I hate shit like that, I feel like I cant breath. They couldn't stress enough how proud they was of me, telling me I had done all they asked of me and more. And I did, I never missed 1 single appointment. When they advised me to make changes to the way I was acting or thinking as much effort as I felt it was I did it. They may have had to nag but I took all the steps. Sometimes thinking what the hell that's never going to work, but it has.
Meditation.....worked, trusting myself to be alone......worked, blogging.......worked, making my Yorkshire pudding with lard instead of oil......didn't work! The list of things they had me doing especially my nurse lisa was endless.
As it got closer and closer to the end of my appointment my eyes started filling up more and more with tears. Then 1 fell from my eye and the rest followed. How can I get up and walk away? Walk away from my safe place? Where I can run to and be understood. How do I get up from the chair that hugs me each time I sit in it, walk out the door I have ran in when I needed to hide and leave the people who tell me it will be ok.
It was impossible to turn my back on them and walk away. So both lisa and amy left the room first leaving me in their alone with lottie and shaun ready to leave when I felt it was time. Watching them walk away was incredibly painful and I cry now just thinking about it.
I can never explain what these people mean to me and how they have changed our life. I hate to think what would have been without them, and my midwife who came to my rescue when i almost took my life. Who made the right decisions at the right time.
All these wonderful people came into my world and have made such a difference, a&e, the crisis team, my heath visitor who got me feeling comfortable enough to massage lottie, social services who made me feel I was doing mum life right regardless of my illness, the receptionists at the hospital who acted like it was normal for me to try and hold a conversation whilst crying so much I couldn't talk. My nurse who got me out the house when I didn't even want to get out of bed.
Listed above are all people that I have met post depression. Now for the people who new the real me. The people who's opinion matter the most. my family and friends, thank you for putting up with me through this, believe it or not I hate the fact its been the chelsey show. ok I love it to be the chelsey show but not in this situation. So can we go back to talking about pointless crap that's going on in ALL our life, like mums new plumb wallpaper, dads pointless diet (give up your fatter than when you started) and facial hair.
Thank you shaun for doing your all to understand. Never walking away and making this hell a little easier to live in.
Thank you to my little lottie. I would face depression for the rest of my life for you. You are worth every tear I have cried and more. Your smile has been infectious and your cry has dragged me out of bed when nothing else would. You will never remember when I would sit holding you tight at 2am petrified we was in danger. I no now their was nothing to fear, just fear itself.
Its amazing something so perfect has come from something so unperfect. My worst fear being that you would come to harm. You was my reason to live when I didn't understand what I was fighting I would still fight. Because the most important thing to me was you needing your mum to protect you
and that will never ever change.
And thank you. you. who ever you are reading this right now thank you for taking the time. Thank you to every single person who has reached out no matter how small the message I can assure you I have appreciated every single one. I started this with just 2 readers and it has grown and grown. So shout out to my day 1s. If you read them all, thank you. If you read 1 or 2 thank you. If you understood, tried to understand or just hung around for the laughs thank you.
A lot of messages of support you send start with " you may have heard this a thousand time" and yes I have but it never gets boring I get overwhelmed with the kind words, each one reminding me I'm not alone. We all have a fight they are all different, but what is the same is the FIGHT. Its shit it hurts but we all have the ability to do it. I said I in a previous blog, I feel I am moving forward with a lorry strapped to my back and that's exactly how I feel recovery has been. Slow and painful but worth it as I am a better person than I was before.
Can you believe I have only been blogging for 4 month?? It feels like I have been doing it my whole life, and it times its all I had in my life. A focus, battle on today and then I get to moan to the computer screen about how shit life is treating me, or I would have a really good positive moment and would be itching to get home to tell my internet stranger friends.
The ones who most of the time never spoke back but somehow I felt you was listening. Often blogging was the only time I felt safe to be alone. Shaun would walk in the room and I would ask him to leave, I needed this time to concentrate, so I could get my story across the best I could.
I have said lots of time how I could never be alone shaun had to be glued to me so I'm sure he enjoyed the time I would sit and type. And he trusted me, because I trusted myself when blogging because someone was always reading, so was I really alone? i didn't feel it I felt safe. You guys clicking and reading really helped.
I hardly read my posts back, today I attempted to do so.i got as far as
https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html and I just cant do it. The blogs wrote between the end of November and December are just to intense for me right now. I do plan to look back but maybe not all in 1 go. If you follow me on facebook or twitter I will post on their as I read them what I think about them. My twitter is @dummymummy6.
For this blog I have taken notes, highlighted them organised them and now I have not even used them. I am so much better at just writing what I feel in the here and now, that's what I have done from the start and its how I shell finish.
So I have reached the end. For now, I will return on or just after lotties 1st birthday which is 2nd may. I will look forward to chatting to my screen again soon and will jot things down along the way.
I hope between now and then we make lots of memories that i can share with you. I hope to remain
in a good place. I wish my internet stranger friends luck and happiness.
Goodbye
This is so hard to press POST. How do I finish?
Well actually I need a poo so I need to dash.
Loveya
Monday, 11 March 2019
wheres the dummy daddy???
So I thought its about time Mr. Farnsworth had a go at this blog game. I think it would be good to get the other side of post natal depression across, the dark, the sad, but also the happy and how far chels has come (by the way Chels is what I call the wife), So were shall I begin? Lets start and chat abit about me and chels shall we. Chels is abit nuts! always has been and always will be. as you've read through the blogs I'm sure it didn't take you long to realise this. She has always been a ray of sunshine for not just me but everyone she knows and has ever come across. We have been together now for almost 10 years now and there is never a dull moment with the two of us. We have had some unreal memories together, so many so I could make my own blog about some of the things we have done and the amazing lives we have had together, This brings me onto our wedding day....
I finally popped the question after 5 years of us being together after years of her naggin! 2 years later we made it happen and it was the greatest day of our lives. It ended up with my shirt being ripped open, my tie on my head and a game of football through the hotel. Anyway one thing lead to another, I have no idea how because I couldn't even fucking see straight but 9 months later, we had our beautiful baby girl in our arms and this changed our lives forever. Little Lottie was the most amazing bundle of joy I had ever seen and she was ours, we felt so lucky! The labour was abit of a rough ride going on for nearly 3 days. As a bloke its hard being in these situations the best of times but this was even worse. You are literally sat there, talking all the lingo, acting like a part time midwife when in reality you haven't got a fucking clue! you are totally helpless and have to just try your best not to worry and fold, just having to put a brave face on for the other half to be laid there, while there talking absolute shit off there head on gas and air. Any lad going through this, or going to be going through it just think it will all be worth it in the end, trust me!
So you've had your little one and all is amazing for the 1st couple of weeks. Well us not doing things in the most normal way, we moved house, a week after lottie was born. probably not the greatest idea but we didn't really have a choice as we was living in a flat before. This put us all under a lot of stress and there was a lot of pressure for all to be sorted as soon as possible. Chels couldn't move or do much as she had a C-section as I'm sure you've all seen in past blogs. This added even more stress onto our recently grown family. Things started to settle a lil and we was getting closer to having our lives all back to normal, well so we thought. Being with Chels for so many years I know her better than anyone in this world, better than she knows herself. You could tell things just wasn't quite right with her. Her mood was 100 mph, she could never rest, you could rarely get a full conversation out of her. Ontop of this she was suppose to be resting and time and time again I would tell her "you need to slow down, you need to stop, things will catch up on you" I worried about her well being, more and more as the days went on. We even went out for a night out for our anniversary, we kept drinking and drinking but chels just could not get drunk. We didn't really think to much into it, later this would make sense to us. Then not long after this. chels would become emotional, upset, tears, feeling unworthy of anything in her life and struggling to accept that there was something going on. These moods become less and less spaced out and become more of a regular thing. Me being me I would never want to worry her, no matter how bad of a situation I just would calm her down and tell her not to panic, things would all be fine. I couldn't quite understand it all, we had a new home, a gawgus lil baba yet things just wasn't okay. I struggle to cope with her being upset. Inside it kills me but I know I have to put on a brave face to get her through this. Then, a string of 4 days, 4 days of constent emotion. This was overwhelming! chels would have relentless crying and thoughts of self harm, thoughts of self pity and lack of confidence. It felt like Chels became empty, Where was my chels? The chels we all loved, the chels I lived with and would make us laugh everyday, the chels I would come home to and she would do random shit like be playing on my fifa! I felt like id lost her and couldn't understand, neither of us could. Then, one day after these 4 rotten days I got in my car after work to come and received a phonecall......
"Hello is this shaun? we have your wife in a&e we need you to come and meet her here" Obviously I fear the worse, instantly think is it a car crash, has she been hurt, wheres lottie? So I rush to the hospital to find the pair of them, with 2 nurses and our midwife (her name was amy by the way and she was the most amazing midwife we could of wished for through chels pregnancy) turns out chels had had a breakdown, nearly taking her own life with lottie in the car to almost driving off the side of a bridge. lucky for my girls chels swerved last minute and took herself to a safe place, no injuries or crashes. She couldn't take this anymore and enough was enough. I was in shock! I didn't know what to think. Nothing felt real, it was all like a one big blur. How could this all be happening? Why us, why have we been chosen for all this to of happened to. There was questions asked in the hospital, people monitoring the situation, chels under constant supervision. As all settled slightly it came to a decision I had to have some days off work to look after my girls and get through this thing that
had took over her. luckily I had summer break just round the corner so I knew this woud help us all and had come at the right time. Then in the upcoming few weeks things were pretty rough, things all started to become real! The harsh reality of everything that had gone on after lottie had been born was starting to hit home. Things were at there worst. It was even to the point were I couldn't go to the toilet without chels having to come with me. I couldn't even leave the house. She could not trust herself in her own skin and alone with her own thoughts any longer. I probably don't tell her very often but this was the toughest time of my life. I felt like one wrong move could tip her over the edge and she would take her own life. Could you imagine your wife turning around to you and saying the words "lets all go together, I think its the best thing to do" on more than one occasion? It all blew my whole world apart. My heart felt like someone was kicking the fuck out of it every single time something would happen. All I could do was just be here for chels, try the best of my ability to make all of this okay. To make sure I had to do whatever it would take to make my chels better again, to make sure that my lil lottie would not be affected by this what so ever and to protect her form any bad. Get your game face on shauny lad, its time to step up!
As time goes on chels speaks to numerous people through phonecalls, has crisis teams on stanby if needed and is reffered to a specialised mental health clinic about 20 mins from where we live. It was then comfirmed she has what looks like post natal depression. How? I thought to myself. You hear about these kind of things and think there bad but never in your craziest thoughts would you think it was as bad as this. The thing that always stuck in my head though was PND would eventually go. This to me was a target that I repeatedly reminded myself of. Chels though at this point felt all this was becoming to much but I had to reassure her this was a step into the right direction and would benefit us as a family, without being her full self our lil world wouldn't work properly. After sessions of tough counciling going in depth about everything leading up to this point, to get to a breakdown, things slowly but surely began to look up. I know it might sound easy writing the recovery in a few short sentences but trust me this aint easy, not one fucking bit! it tore our world in bits. Turned it upside down and a lot of the time never saw a way through all this pain. It even got to a point that I couldn't handle what was going on and had to talk to someone on more than one occasion. Just because its not you, the partner that is going through all this directly don't be ashamed to admit you arnt okay. I wasn't but I used the help that was there because chels could tell I wasn't right! I should of spoke to the people at the hospital more. I think this would of made chels recovery a lot quicker and put her mind at ease. I'm a guy that never shows there emotion and never have. Seeing your
other half in all this pain you at times have know idea what to do. if you say something it could make them worse. If you tell them how you feel will it knock them back and will they blame there selves? its a tremendous amount of pressure to be put on us but we have to be there no matter what. no matter how hard it gets just stick through it and things will get back to normal. In our relationship before all this I think chels saw me cry 3/4 times. Since all this I have cried that in 8 months of the depression, I didn't even cry on our wedding day!
After all the recovery at the hospital and our regular visits we can finally say that chels has been discharged and is on the way up! She is back to her self and our lil world is back on track again. Over the past months we have built up amazing relationships with the girls at the hospital and it was a bitter sweet day as its been the last one officially being signed off from the hospital. we will miss all the girls there and the job they have done for us and will be forever greatful for what you have done for us. You have got our family back on track. By the way the buffet today was the best ive ever had! and to 'PONY' and the nurse (I don't know if you have a nickname sorry) you are diamonds, Their is so many people I want to thank you all know who you are I’d especially like to thank chelsey’s mum and dad for everything they have done for us we couldn’t have done it without you.
I just want to lastly say how proud I am of chels. She's a unreal character made of joy and I'm so so proud of you. One, for being an a amzing mummy and lottie will be so happy when shes older to maybe read this one day and see how brave you are to do it all for us. And two, for overcoming this illness and turning everything around to get back your sparkle, because no one or anything will ever take that away!
Signing off
Lots of love
Mr. Farnsworth
I finally popped the question after 5 years of us being together after years of her naggin! 2 years later we made it happen and it was the greatest day of our lives. It ended up with my shirt being ripped open, my tie on my head and a game of football through the hotel. Anyway one thing lead to another, I have no idea how because I couldn't even fucking see straight but 9 months later, we had our beautiful baby girl in our arms and this changed our lives forever. Little Lottie was the most amazing bundle of joy I had ever seen and she was ours, we felt so lucky! The labour was abit of a rough ride going on for nearly 3 days. As a bloke its hard being in these situations the best of times but this was even worse. You are literally sat there, talking all the lingo, acting like a part time midwife when in reality you haven't got a fucking clue! you are totally helpless and have to just try your best not to worry and fold, just having to put a brave face on for the other half to be laid there, while there talking absolute shit off there head on gas and air. Any lad going through this, or going to be going through it just think it will all be worth it in the end, trust me!
So you've had your little one and all is amazing for the 1st couple of weeks. Well us not doing things in the most normal way, we moved house, a week after lottie was born. probably not the greatest idea but we didn't really have a choice as we was living in a flat before. This put us all under a lot of stress and there was a lot of pressure for all to be sorted as soon as possible. Chels couldn't move or do much as she had a C-section as I'm sure you've all seen in past blogs. This added even more stress onto our recently grown family. Things started to settle a lil and we was getting closer to having our lives all back to normal, well so we thought. Being with Chels for so many years I know her better than anyone in this world, better than she knows herself. You could tell things just wasn't quite right with her. Her mood was 100 mph, she could never rest, you could rarely get a full conversation out of her. Ontop of this she was suppose to be resting and time and time again I would tell her "you need to slow down, you need to stop, things will catch up on you" I worried about her well being, more and more as the days went on. We even went out for a night out for our anniversary, we kept drinking and drinking but chels just could not get drunk. We didn't really think to much into it, later this would make sense to us. Then not long after this. chels would become emotional, upset, tears, feeling unworthy of anything in her life and struggling to accept that there was something going on. These moods become less and less spaced out and become more of a regular thing. Me being me I would never want to worry her, no matter how bad of a situation I just would calm her down and tell her not to panic, things would all be fine. I couldn't quite understand it all, we had a new home, a gawgus lil baba yet things just wasn't okay. I struggle to cope with her being upset. Inside it kills me but I know I have to put on a brave face to get her through this. Then, a string of 4 days, 4 days of constent emotion. This was overwhelming! chels would have relentless crying and thoughts of self harm, thoughts of self pity and lack of confidence. It felt like Chels became empty, Where was my chels? The chels we all loved, the chels I lived with and would make us laugh everyday, the chels I would come home to and she would do random shit like be playing on my fifa! I felt like id lost her and couldn't understand, neither of us could. Then, one day after these 4 rotten days I got in my car after work to come and received a phonecall......
"Hello is this shaun? we have your wife in a&e we need you to come and meet her here" Obviously I fear the worse, instantly think is it a car crash, has she been hurt, wheres lottie? So I rush to the hospital to find the pair of them, with 2 nurses and our midwife (her name was amy by the way and she was the most amazing midwife we could of wished for through chels pregnancy) turns out chels had had a breakdown, nearly taking her own life with lottie in the car to almost driving off the side of a bridge. lucky for my girls chels swerved last minute and took herself to a safe place, no injuries or crashes. She couldn't take this anymore and enough was enough. I was in shock! I didn't know what to think. Nothing felt real, it was all like a one big blur. How could this all be happening? Why us, why have we been chosen for all this to of happened to. There was questions asked in the hospital, people monitoring the situation, chels under constant supervision. As all settled slightly it came to a decision I had to have some days off work to look after my girls and get through this thing that
had took over her. luckily I had summer break just round the corner so I knew this woud help us all and had come at the right time. Then in the upcoming few weeks things were pretty rough, things all started to become real! The harsh reality of everything that had gone on after lottie had been born was starting to hit home. Things were at there worst. It was even to the point were I couldn't go to the toilet without chels having to come with me. I couldn't even leave the house. She could not trust herself in her own skin and alone with her own thoughts any longer. I probably don't tell her very often but this was the toughest time of my life. I felt like one wrong move could tip her over the edge and she would take her own life. Could you imagine your wife turning around to you and saying the words "lets all go together, I think its the best thing to do" on more than one occasion? It all blew my whole world apart. My heart felt like someone was kicking the fuck out of it every single time something would happen. All I could do was just be here for chels, try the best of my ability to make all of this okay. To make sure I had to do whatever it would take to make my chels better again, to make sure that my lil lottie would not be affected by this what so ever and to protect her form any bad. Get your game face on shauny lad, its time to step up!
As time goes on chels speaks to numerous people through phonecalls, has crisis teams on stanby if needed and is reffered to a specialised mental health clinic about 20 mins from where we live. It was then comfirmed she has what looks like post natal depression. How? I thought to myself. You hear about these kind of things and think there bad but never in your craziest thoughts would you think it was as bad as this. The thing that always stuck in my head though was PND would eventually go. This to me was a target that I repeatedly reminded myself of. Chels though at this point felt all this was becoming to much but I had to reassure her this was a step into the right direction and would benefit us as a family, without being her full self our lil world wouldn't work properly. After sessions of tough counciling going in depth about everything leading up to this point, to get to a breakdown, things slowly but surely began to look up. I know it might sound easy writing the recovery in a few short sentences but trust me this aint easy, not one fucking bit! it tore our world in bits. Turned it upside down and a lot of the time never saw a way through all this pain. It even got to a point that I couldn't handle what was going on and had to talk to someone on more than one occasion. Just because its not you, the partner that is going through all this directly don't be ashamed to admit you arnt okay. I wasn't but I used the help that was there because chels could tell I wasn't right! I should of spoke to the people at the hospital more. I think this would of made chels recovery a lot quicker and put her mind at ease. I'm a guy that never shows there emotion and never have. Seeing your
other half in all this pain you at times have know idea what to do. if you say something it could make them worse. If you tell them how you feel will it knock them back and will they blame there selves? its a tremendous amount of pressure to be put on us but we have to be there no matter what. no matter how hard it gets just stick through it and things will get back to normal. In our relationship before all this I think chels saw me cry 3/4 times. Since all this I have cried that in 8 months of the depression, I didn't even cry on our wedding day!
After all the recovery at the hospital and our regular visits we can finally say that chels has been discharged and is on the way up! She is back to her self and our lil world is back on track again. Over the past months we have built up amazing relationships with the girls at the hospital and it was a bitter sweet day as its been the last one officially being signed off from the hospital. we will miss all the girls there and the job they have done for us and will be forever greatful for what you have done for us. You have got our family back on track. By the way the buffet today was the best ive ever had! and to 'PONY' and the nurse (I don't know if you have a nickname sorry) you are diamonds, Their is so many people I want to thank you all know who you are I’d especially like to thank chelsey’s mum and dad for everything they have done for us we couldn’t have done it without you.
I just want to lastly say how proud I am of chels. She's a unreal character made of joy and I'm so so proud of you. One, for being an a amzing mummy and lottie will be so happy when shes older to maybe read this one day and see how brave you are to do it all for us. And two, for overcoming this illness and turning everything around to get back your sparkle, because no one or anything will ever take that away!
Signing off
Lots of love
Mr. Farnsworth
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