Changes

Hey!!! An update. A few month ago me and Shauney boy had a chat, we both had been thinking how content we was with life. How things had finally fallen into place and we had little stress. My mental health has been fine, its taken until lottie is almost 4 and its been months since i had suicidal thoughts, or any other signs of PND. Honestly you do get over it, its taken longer than i ever imagined but as promised i am better. So what have i gone and done at a time when all is running smooth? Quit my job, put a deposit down on a car, grown a lump under my arm thats leading to an urgent mamogram and decided to come off me sertraline. Am i fucking crazy? Here's whats led me to rock the boat. Ill start with the sertraline. At the height of PND my dose went up to 200mg SLOWLY over the past year or so i have reduced the dose by 25mg/50mg a time. Now im down to just 25mg. The reductions have had little effect on me but this final 25mg is hard to kick. Day 1 missing a dose is fine, day 2-3 is blegh. Side effects will begin to kick in, the main one being dizzyness. To move my head it feels like ive been been playing dizzydolls, the room spins and i feel light headed. I've never gone 2-3 days without that 25mg as i feel to shitty without it. But now im jobless for a few week im going to try and kick it. The advice being take 1 every 2 days. The plan is to do that for 1 week then stop alltogether. Moving onto the job. I have worked in pharmacy 17 years! I have worked in 3 branches and also on relief visiting stores across Notts & Derby, i have worked with lovely people and absolute dragons, i loved it and hated it at times, but recently i have really hated it. Ive lost sleep over it, cried and needed to get out of what for me had become at toxic environment. So it was time to put together a CV and job hunt. I decided to put my beauty qualification to good use. With 0 experiance and something i trained in 15 years ago. I started small right? wrong. My aim was to work in the most amazing spa i could find. Even after someone said why dont you set your sights lower i was gagged why not aim for the stars? How did i get to 32 not have a CV and never had a job interview. I was winging it, and applied for every spa job in the area. Immedietly i was offered an interview, and the 1st one i had, i was offered a job! Me being me i turned it down. I wasnt settling, and knew i could do better (big head). Turns out my decission was correct, as i have gone on to bag a job at the best of the best spa. Eden Hall baby! Google it you will die! Sometimes in pharmacy ive felt a little misunderstood, some people dont get my personality. And i often work with older people. Who are into diffrent things to me. Dont have children or laugh at my penis jokes. My new job i will be working with people around my age, hopefully it will allow me to embrace my ru-paul obsession, make new friends and never have to listen to Magic fm abain!!! I finished my job 2 days ago, start my new job in 2 week and will be without pay for 5 week. So what have i done at a time when im skint? Put a deposit on a new car! Since the disasters with my last car, i have been without for around 2 years. But to be able to work at my new job a car is needed. So its forced the decision. Time to be a big girl and im hoping its the final step in moving on from the past. I hope to pick my car up later today. Now the mamagram. Last week my armpits was killing. Hairy as it was to painful to shave, covered in lumps (it looks like a hairy cauliflower to set the scene) And i had dead arm. Monday i seen the Gp i thougnt they was something minor maybe a few ingrowing hairs. Nope i have an urgent referel for a mamagram. So now i feel really uneasy and regret every dicisions above. Ive been in control of every choice ive made recently, but this has left me feeling unsure of myself and worrying ive rocked the boat to much. Ive been headstrong, ive made changes but now im in doubt. Say the worst happened the lumps the C words, i cant work, i dont get sickpay and i have a new car to pay for. Will the depression come back? What ever the future holds, i will do my best to update my blog! Wish me luck (shit me im scared)

Sertraline Queen

I'm baaaaack! Its been almost 7 month, and I still remember my password!

I hope you are all as well as can be during locky d 3 (lockdown number 3). Its a difficult 1-2 and 3! For me lockdown 1 was scary. lockdown 2 was just a joke that was taken about as serious as bosis johnsons hairline and lockdown 3 is do or die and feel like we will just live like this forever!

I don't want to chat about the c word anyway, the only good to come from it is the fact people no longer talk about brexit (anyone no if we will still be ok to get Belgium buns?).

Another benefit is I no longer get FOMO on a Saturday night because my news feed is full of people living their best life, while I'm sat on the sofa in my ill fitting pjs trying to figure out how to loose 2 stone without A) dieting B) exercise or C) willpower . Its ok for now as lockyd has made flab trendy.

Jokes aside I do feel bad for Lottie and all the other children living in this crazy world. This is just normal life to them, they don't no any different. If I forget my mask lottie will remind me and she keeps a mask in her ride on car for when she drives to the shop. She is such a little super star, and doesn't understand why she can not go swimming or have her friends round to play. Part of me is glad we cant see people though as the things she comes out with these days. She hun'd my mum last week and has started calling people babe, wtf how can a 2 year old have so much sass.

Anyway the reason I am blogging again is because I have had a recent change in my medication I though it may be a good idea/useful to give an insight into life on medication for postnatal depression, from the very start to what I hope is the end.

In what order and at what point I was given this medication I am unsure as I was very ill and it was ages ago. I was treated with Diazepam and Sertraline, this was either prescribed in a&e where I was taken after what I can only describe as a breakdown or once I had began treatment under a mental health team. The Diazepam was given for short term use, to be taken when the urge to harm myself was intense. I would take one and they would calm me down enough to have a sleep and wake up feeling a little better. I was also given a 24 hour helpline number which I could call also, and I did use it. It proved to be just as helpful as the Diazepam. I did only ring once or twice, the 1st I remember really well. I was in the bath (what's new) rambling to shaun about what was going of in my mind, and he just admitted it was all a little to much for him and suggested I use the helpline.

And so for the 1st time in a long time I was left alone and for the 1st half of the call I don't think I spoke. The man on the end of the line didn't make me feel awkward he just chatted away like it was an everyday thing, and to him it was. And eventually I spoke, by the end of the call the bath was bloody freezing, but I felt better, I felt I had made a friend someone who understood and I didn't feel like the burden I thought I would. Just knowing I could call back anytime provided me and shaun with another form of support night and day.

The piece of paper that has the number on I now use as a bookmark to remind myself how far I have come. For a long time it was a painful reminder, as was looking back at pictures of that time but now I think I have accepted it and like to remind myself I won, I'm winning and I'm proud.

I also don't mind talking about my depression now. I don't feel the shame, guilt or blame that I used to. If people want to judge or think it is just an over exaggeration of what all mums feel then let them, and if they don't want to take time to learn about something that could happen to a daughter, son, sister of friend then more fool them. Yes its scary but so is cancer and we all no what to look out for with that.

Talking face to face with friends and family was difficult at first, and yes I did blog about it for the world to read but that's very different to a conversation in person. I do think blogging left me with no option but to talk, as I was posting my blog on my social media, people I knew was reading it I was naïve to think it would never be brought up in conversation. And it was a blow the first time it was, it was confirmation people knew my secrets, the good the bad and the piles.

Eventually it wasn't so bad and now I am more than happy to chat away , its good for people to share and understand parts of peoples life. We learn from each other. I have an urge, a fire in my belly to bring awareness to this illness, help with recovery and luckily it may become a reality, I don't want to say to much about what is a very small part of a big dream but it may become a reality very soon!!

One thing I wish people wouldn't say is "it isn't as bad as yours" my reply is the same every time, firstly we shouldn't compare, secondly your worse is yours and mine is mine, it doesn't matter how we got there is the same right? I cant really explain it but I hope you understand.

Back to medication. I was given Sertraline for long term use, these come in 50 and 100mg tablets. My dose reached 150-200mg I am unsure if this was a gradual increase or a starting dose. But I was super sceptical and nervous about taking them. Like a scene from EastEnders I stood staring at the tablet for agers before I took my 1st (how dramatic).

I was warned about the side effects, they came, the feeling sick the sleepiness but as promised they went. I was also aware of the rumours about the medication, the fact they make you feel emotionless and some say dead inside, but this didn't worry me as I felt that anyway x10.

Now I didn't wake up one morning full of beans singing kumbaya but I did start to feel better GRADUALLY. By the time I was discharged from care I was down to 100mg. I tried dropping to 50mg but it was to soon and I took a few steps backwards, so I settled at 100mg and was discharged.

This dose has worked just fine for the 2 years or so I have been taking it. Until recently. It started with disturbed sleep, nightmares, feeling irritated more than normal, mainly at shaun snoring, farting, moving or just breathing. He is a babe but my lord he breaths so loud!!

I was waking in the night sweating, anxious sleeping on the sofa and gradually it was starting to make its way into my day to day life. Excepting it was depression was not going to be done. I wasn't having intrusive thoughts, but the other shitty symptoms was becoming an issue. At a time when some may have though to increase the sertraline I decided to decrease it. I came to the conclusion maybe the medication was having an adverse effect, could it possibly be my body telling me I didn't need such a high dose any more? So I dropped 50mg and so far all the above has stopped. I no longer smell like BO (I hope) I no longer want to stab my husband (is it ok to say that?) and I am no longer sleeping on the sofa.

Now readers don't go binning your medication, please note I did chat to a doctor about this, who agreed this was a safe decision. I said earlier that Sertraline has been said to stop you feeling emotions. At the time when I needed them I didn't notice a change, but now I am decreasing the dose I do think recently they have made me feel a little that way. I think this is because I no longer needed such a high dose and now I am just taking 50mg I am laughing a little more and feeling a little more sensitive. I am happy to stay at this dose for as long as it takes but I do now see the light and that maybe one day I'll be sertraline free.

I don't think I will be drama free though, rocking my life right now is a bought of pneumonia. Which is just the worse. I tell you what was coming of my chest tasted like pure death. And would you believe I have had to have not 1 not 2 but 3 covid tests in just 1 week to prove its not covid. Now what's the point in the tests if the results are going to be disregarded?

I was also in hospital over night and if you have had pneumonia you will no you flat out can not breath at times, yet I was having to sleep in my own room so isolated, wearing a blue facemask I mean come on how is a girl supposed to sleep like that?

So when I was asked to have a 4th test it was a a big fat no thanks pam love i've had 3 and a vaccination I think we are safe!

I'm off work and going out my mind, ordering random shit I don't need, random purchase this weekend = a printer/scanner. Wooop its gunna rock my world!

So bye for now I have some scanning and printing prep to get on with x

Having 5!

 Hey strangers! Just had a moment of realisation which has pushed me to finally update my blog! 

I was just laid in the bath (like just, I still have a wet back but I just couldn’t wait to log on and blog this). Lots of you will relate to this, while laid in the bath, I could hear the bubbles popping, the rain outside and the strange creaking noises in the house (what are they by the way?). My Phone was on the floor, Shaun and Lottie are out and I just thought arghhh nothingness. No worrying Lottie is going to wee in the fish tank, or shauns going to need his 10th meal of the day just nothing and it was so good! 

Then I remembered this was my biggest fear just a short while ago, and sadly still is for so many. A fear to be alone, when I was ill with post natal depression I didn’t even go to the toilet alone, why? I was scared of myself, I was scared of the things i could Harm myself with when alone.  I was told this would get better, did I believe it? Never. But without realising it has. 

I say without realising, I did notice when shaun used to wait till I’d got in the bath and then find an excuse to leave me alone, each time leaving me a little longer And each time I’d lay listening for the floorboards creaking telling me he’s on his way back and I can unclench my fists and breath again.  

To get to the stage I am now, it wasn’t like oh I’m fine i can take a piss alone let’s move on, I don’t remember a day when things changed but it has and to those suffering it will. Me & my nurse came up something that worked for  me when I got a “bad thought” I’d imagine taking hold of it with my hand and blowing it away (like a kiss). Another way of doing this is draw a cloud round it and imagine it floating away. So this is what I’d do when shaun would “pop downstairs”!

He would leave me n my depression would start, I’d have all these thoughts of self doubt and I’d fight to push them away working myself up, my hands shaking and my stomach in knots.

 What I needed to do was acknowledge these thoughts as awful as they are, let them come let And them go. And gradually thoughts have stopped  or lessen. I have no idea about other people’s journeys or recovery but hopefully just 1 person try’s this and it helps. 

Anyway!!! In my last blog I had a lil interview to get my foot in the door on Hopewood mother & baby unit. The good news is they think I’d be able to help out on the ward and if it wasn’t for COVID I’d probably be doing so already. 

The interview was great, why was I so nervous to sit and talk about myself? I even got the interview lady to make me a brew, I spoke about my little blog and spoke  about my readers, yes we r worldwide baby! And ive had 1500 hits! Half of them are me and my mum! 

I walked away feeling a million dollars, and shit scared coz I’d parked my car in the most awkward place and knew I’d need to do a million point turn to get out the car park! And if getting out was anything like getting in then hella no! As I’d drove the wrong way down a 1 way. But I made it out alive and 20 minutes later I got the news I can progress with Hopewood! 

I’m still making my bows and loving it, I’ve Also made some new friends and wasn’t even a nervous twitchy mess when I met them, I was fine, just like my old self it helped that Lottie pissed all over me and fell in the paddling pool, nothing like warm wee to break the ice. 

I’m the worst with new friendships, I’m now at the awkward stage where I’m on a new friendship High but don’t wanna be a kean bean, like do I ask if they wanna do something or do I play it cool? I legit have like 1 friend and this is why. I get over exited n start planning moving in next door n shit. 

I also mentioned in my last blog about the passing of my Nan. I’m not going to lie during covid I found the loss easier to deal with, this may sound harsh but I prefer that she wasn’t around during the lockdown. My Nan was a social butterfly, she wasn’t the best at entertaining herself, she tried bless her but never found a hobby, her jigsaw never even got opened and the adult colouring book I brought her she have to the grandkids! 

After her first cup of Yorkshire and a read of the paper she was sat dressed waiting for her first visitor! And as 1 of those visitors there is no way I could have left her, or waved at the end of the drive, I feel for those who had to do this. 

 Its now life is returning to normal, it’s all becoming real. I see people re-uniting and ache for this myself. Is it crazy I called her phone last night? Course i new she would never answer. I see her in all beautiful things on this earth? Each day I search for something just to help lessen the hurt. 

I have find reminding myself what a good life she had and how she lived to be to be so old, glam, well and loved Until the very end helps.

I am going to sign off now as shaun n Lottie are home and it’s only a matter of time till I get found in this comfy spot on the bed. 

P.s shaun just shouted upstairs Lottie has done a dump in her leggings (we r potty training), and I can hear him grumbling and grunting, honest my child poops like a rhino.

Best get to work with the vanish, choe Bella x  

A pig in....shit i have an interview

How have I ended up blogging? I'm supposed to be looking into smart answers I can give tomorrow at an interview, which I have tomorrow. An interview so that I can start helping on the Hopewood mother and baby unit, helping ladies who suffered like I did, or maybe ladies that are suffering in a total different way to how I did, with different symptoms ect. But still suffering and walk around feeling like they have a stamp on their head " POST NATAL DEPRESSION".
I understand that feeling, and am lucky enough to have this opportunity to do my bit in this world that I discovered just over a year ago, but feel like it has been part of me my whole life. I am forever learning about this illness, and feel like I understand so much, yet tomorrow I feel like I have nothing to say. I cant put into actual words how I feel. How I want to help others, mother family's, friends everybody. Help mend broken hearts and broken minds, show their is a light after the shitty darkness.
I'm sat with my little notebook, googling interview questions, my book is blank and the only thing I can think to do right now is blog. The only thing I can think to do it use my blog to help. So here are a few questions I may get tomorrow, and Ill tell you (nobody...... my 1 reader? HI MUM) what ever comes to mind.
Tell me about your self? (easy I love talking about myself) I'm a mum, I'm 30 but feel about 25 and look about 12 blah blah blah.
What do I no about the organisation? I cant answer this with all facts and figures. Like a professional would. And I don't want to try and guess all the clever stuff. I just know its wonderful, and it saved my life.
Why do you want to work for us? I want to give back, I have a passion to show other women its ok, as much as it seems like this is life now, its not. I understand how much an ill lady disbelieves this, I understand the urge they have to scream "you don't understand" in the face of who ever tells them it will be ok.
What can you bring to the company?  Trust. No disrespect to doctors and medical staff who do an amazing job. Nobody will trust a mum like another mum. Your baby doesn't sleep at night? neither does mine, phew she gets it. Your gagging for a cuppa, so am I, instant connection. These 2 tiny conversations  happen a thousand times a day. Us mum get each other,
I feel the same can be said regarding post natal depression, to talk to a mum "who gets it", lightens the burden and makes us feel less alone, weather its baby shit or needing to take our head for a shit, sharing is caring, and I know in my situation I was more likely to listen to another mother who has recovered, than a doctor who read about it.
What are your weaknesses? Hunny look at me, I'm basically a goddess, I aint got non! Errrrrrmmm
Sometimes I may be a few minutes late because my child can wake up and the mornings just don't work! I also may present myself with frizzy hair, and a mono brow because id rather have an early night that take care of my appearance.
Another day ill slay like beyonce, ill be walking on air, lippy on feeling like I can take on the world, because my morning worked. So lets say my weakness is sometimes letting my beautiful child dictate which version of myself I will be.
Strengths? I can carry 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, car keys, phone, purse, a teddy, dummy and child all at the same time?!
My strengths are, trying to find good in all situations, my poker face and my ability to adapt to different situations. although sometimes ill let slip my true council estate self, when I'm trying to be all prim and proper.
Challenges I may face? Seriously ill ladies. Which right now, honestly I have no idea how I would deal with the situation. But In the future with training this will come. I am so driven to give my all to this. I'm aware this will be emotional, but I feel I know my limits. I am a fast learner, compassionate and tactile making me good in such situations. (PHAHAH how posh do I sound? tactile daaarling tactile)
Achievement I am proud of? I don't wanna be a barry big head but can I say more than 1? Saving a life, creating such a wonderful life for lottie and the journey I have been on since having her, I have beat depression, and given people belief that I can help others, with my ability to be honest, brave and willing.
Oh I hope they ask this one, what animal would I be? A pig, because you get to roll around in your own shit all day, with your stinking shitty friends that don't judge you. Being fats a good thing, other than the slaughter house you don't have that much to worry about. Any your pink, not very hairy and deep down everyone likes you?
Wow that's really helped yano! Like really really!
For those who read my last blog, a year on, you would have read that I lost my nana almost 2 month ago. Well today she would have been 88. OH yes 2 fat ladies, I think she got sick of me saying that joke, but id say anything to try and motivate her to stay around and meet the 2 fat ladies, But it wasn't to be.
Being at work today has been crap, its just so strange how the world continues while your hearts breaking. People moan about the loo roll epidemic and I just think how about you get that loo roll n cram it in your mouth coz its full of shit! Yet I stand and smile sweetly.
Anyway wish me luck for tomorrow, and ill update you when I get a second, maybe in a week, a year maybe 2, who knows.

1 year on!

I've decided to dust of the laptop and give the blog world an update. Its been so long I had actually forgot my password, I haven't been logging on, assuming you had all just forgot about me, but shock my old posts are still getting views!
I have no idea how to start this blog, I intend to do a few, its been a long year guys i have so much to say. I also feel blogging again may help me find my way, as it did before, but this time for a different reason.
Before I get onto the deep and meaningful cry your eyes out stuff let me start with on update on lottie seen as there wouldn't even be a blog if it wasn't for my little pea!
I'm not going to lie she is an absolute dream, she goes to bed at 8 wakes up 12 hours later, eats all her dinner and when I do the I'm going to count to 3 and then...........probably do nothing I only get to 1 and she behaves. She's so good I actually feel sorry for her. That's a thing right?
But a dream its not always been, ohhhhhhh no! Id like to say the stress of it made me loose weight but unfortunately not, the only thing I lost was my side of the bed. Because that's where lottie took up residency for a while, leaving me sandwiched between shaun and lottie.
I say sandwiched, I was more stuck, like physically stuck to them 1 on the front 1 on the back because they both sweat so much while they sleep. Every time I moved, lottie cried and every time lottie cried, shaun farted.
But I carried on night after night, sleeping(ish) when lottie wanted to sleep, waking when she wanted to wake. She was running the show and I was her puppet. She was hitting out, throwing stuff and I just thought one day things would calm down. I didn't think she needed a telling off or a naughty step, these things work themselves out? Surely she wont want to strangle me for the rest of her life, its got to stop at some point? i tell you now it gets worse.
Once I realised that I knew it was time to make lottie realise she may be the princess but i'm the queen so what i say goes! I decided it was set in stone no matter what lottie was going in her own bed, even if I never sleep again. That first night what the hell, I'm sure she was possessed and I think I got no sleep, each night I got more and more sleep which leads me to now. I have a princess who will take herself to bed no fuss. I have my side of the bed back. I miss the cuddles like crazy, I wake up missing her but i know its for her benefit.
Can you believe she is almost 2 now. She has her own personality, she loves to dance and has just started dance classes, she is such a chatterbox as well. She is my shadow and brings joy to my life. The future hopefully involves me doing more regarding postnatal depression, in the last year i have still been involved with hopewood perinatal unit as well as my normal job. My next blog i will chat more about this. I have a list of topics i want to blog about over the next few month here's a few,
My new hobby which i think is driving everyone mad (but who gives a shit it makes me happy),
Our first family holiday which was just typical us everything went wrong!
Turning 30 and my family & friends not giving a shit! (wink wink)
My nana being ill and sadly loosing her which is one of the reasons i want to blog again. This happened just over a week ago and already i miss her like crazy, i feel lost, my days are empty not being able to pop for a coffee in my Christmas mug.
I hope you have enjoyed catching up. So many people have asked for an update, and i hope not to disappoint. I hope my next few blogs make you smile.
Again this blog comes at a time in my life when all is not perfect, i am hurting but for a different reason. I am grieving, but unlike before a lot more people understand. Sadly most of us have lost a loved one, with only 1 good thing coming from that. Compassion, we are all able to comprehend and understand what another is feeling without that person uttering a single word.

Comparenting

Missed me? Well if you have, haven't, or couldn't give a shit, I've missed you. And I've just had to scratch my blogging itch and log on to tell you about something that's been bugging me recently.  COMPARENTING! Basically its just me and shaun or who ever you share your parent job with comparing day to day tasks. The conversation usually starts with something along the lines of "will you change her poo this time?"
the response will be something like, "I did it last time"
"yeah and I did it the time before, woopiedoo"
"well the one I did smelt worse"
then it can totally change direction and go some place random and you start recalling the Christmas you cooked diner for 5, served a cheese board AND washed the pots.
Conversations like this are happening daily now and I have even started storing things up ready for a comparing sesh, I'm counting how many cups I wash or who puts the most shopping away after our weekly Saturday shop. Someone tell me this is a thing, even if you don't have children, I'm sure we did it pre lottie, just not as much, and not about human poo.
Fingers crossed we don't have a comparenting battle tonight as I have done eff all. But it was hard work! Little miss lottie I have no idea what is wrong with her its feels like she's 3 month old again, I'm back to the days when I can not get anything done, eat, drink or anything. She just constantly wants mama, and what ever mama has. Leaving me not being able to eat without her crying, poo without her staring at me or text my 1 friend to complain about being strapped to the sofa.
I do love how she wants cuddles all the time but its harder work now she's a big girl, shes heavy and wants to climb all over me and only me. Leaving me with a bruised tummy. You may read this and think, well don't pick her up. Trust me I try but I cant leave her to cry, it hurts my heart. Shauns tried to help but sometimes she wont even go to him. And I feel guilty for moaning when he says its not that bad, but I look over at him chilling solo giggling at Britain's got talent, while I sit with lottie chewing on my hearing aid at 10pm clearly absolutely shattered but having to much fun using mummy as a bouncy castle and slavering all over my new pyjamas.
Pyjamas that I thought was going to change my life. Oh a life without my pyjamas cutting into my sides, heaven. Its not heaven after all, they are 2 long and I keep tripping up. So I either risk loosing circulation in my legs in my old ones or a black eye in my new ones, either way I'm still not getting dressed before 12.
I did actually get dressed today, but I cant remember doing so as I had a toddler climbing me like a tree, it was hectic and it wasn't until I got to baby group I actually sat down and realised id not washed my face. And what really got my goat is  while I was at baby group someone decided to offer me parenting advice. Which I appreciate, but the timing was off. Most of the other babies are sat on the floor playing and all lottie wants to do is chill and sqirm on my knee.
When the toys came out she wanted 1 but didn't want to leave me to get one. So I took her over to the toys and left her. She just cried and crawled after me. When I sat back down, lets call her nanny Brenda who had obviously been watching me and lottie, pipes up and says "oh it will pass, my daughter in law with her 1st child blah blah blah" That little angry voice in my head was bursting to just say well why don't we call your daughter in law and get her to come over and ill hand her a parent of the year award. And while she's on her way she can pick me up a frapachino because I NEED a drink. And if I'm naughty while your daughter in law is here can she please put me on the naughty step because I need 5! But thanks for trying Brenda but at that moment......just no.
Pre lotties 1st birthday, or even last week I was so smug. Things have been running so smooth, but now its like I have a different baby. Don't get me wrong she's perfect but when she's having tantrums I start over thinking, is it me? does she hate me? dose she think I hate her so its making her hate me?  She has discovered anger, she screams she throws, she pouts her lips out and snorts like a little pig, it was funny at first but now its getting on my uneven tits a bit!
During my google search to find others in the same unfit mother state, I found an interesting fact. The brains of toddlers are a lot more advanced than the body, leading to frustration. For example they want to talk and understand words, but can put words together to have a  conversation them selves, they want to stack blocks but don't have the skills yet to do so, their mind gets it but their hands don't, meaning they hate life at that moment.
I am trying to remember this when she is chucking herself around, but its hard when she's chucking building blocks in my face. I am back at work tomorrow after a few days off, giving my back a break from carrying ten ton tess round all day. As much as I moan I will miss her so much.
I must dash, shaun has just got back from taking lottie on a road trip for an hour to give me a break. I think he could see I needed it when he got in and I was crying because id been trying to wash the pots since 10am and had still not washed my face.
Being a  mum is the most amazing job in the world, and its so special now I'm starting to see a little of her sassy personality. But when nap times are up in the air, and little one has decided to piss all over your perfect routine and decides to go to sleep on a park tyre swing thing like a homeless person (yes that happened today), you need to take 5 have a cuppa and wash your armpits (yes pushing her while she slept on a tyre all morning was sweaty work)
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Thanks for reading my lovely's and please tell me this comparenting, sweaty betty, clingy baby life isn't just me.

Relationship blues

I just can keep away! I said I wouldn't post again until Christmas but the blogging itch has returned and I really want to tell you something I didn't mention in my last blog, and that's my roller-coaster of a marriage. Its hard to admit when things are less than perfect. But now I feel ready to open up to you guys a little more, and hopefully some of you will relate, and stop me posting the divorce papers, just kidding its not THAT bad but its not been THAT good either.
I don't no if its been tough due to the postnatal depression or just having a baby in general puts the brakes on your happy relationship bubble. My guess is its a combination of both. And the fact I was expecting at least a year of a post marriage high. I was dreaming of lazy morning cuddling in bed ignoring the fact we both have vile morning breath, romantic weekends away, candle lit bath, and lots of hanky panky not just your "ok go on then but be quick" hanky panky I'm talking call me wifey, take your time hanky panky.
But it wasn't to be. We started trying for a baby on our wedding night (yes we was one of the lucky couples that could be arsed after their big day), thinking it will take a while for the mud to stick but oh no we only went and conceived the very first time. We got back from our honeymoon and shortly after found out we was having a baby. We are super blessed it happened so fast for us as I am aware of the struggle some people face. But hold on a minute I'm 6 month into marriage, I've gained over a stone in weight, sex is like a swear word to me, matching underwear? fuck THAT pass me those size 16 panties and a sports bra and my new husband smells like bacon and I cant stand to be near him. The only benefit of my changing body being my titties, for once i actually had pair. But touch them and your dead!
I always pictured being pregnant would do wonders for a relationship. I wanted shaun to be falling asleep with his hand on my bump and to feel that connection with my partner as we now share a little life. But the only think i felt was constant trap wind. I could tell shaun couldn't wait to be a daddy and i always new he would do a fantastic job. But whilst i was pregnant i expected him to be glued to my hip and the fact he wasn't repeatedly asking if baby was kicking drove me mad. Being extra hormonal id cry and cry insisting he wasn't bothered. And it broke my heart why didn't he sing to her like i did? why wasn't he looking out for her every movement?
Since chatting to others and reflecting on this i understand shauns situation a little more. To us mums we feel this huge kick just for dad to say they didn't feel it. We see them roll and turn and dad always looks over that second to late missing the action. It must be harder for them to make that connection.
The times he did have a hand on my tummy when she moved was super magical.
I look back at our relationship and as i progressed in pregnancy and when lottie has been getting older our relationship just became less and less important to us. I mean do you even interact at all when you first have your baby? I don't remember 1 conversation we had just about normal stuff. It was all, do you think she's warm enough or have you changed her nappy today? If i could go back i would try my best to have been more us, if that's possible with a new born. We wasn't shaun and chelsey we was mummy and daddy. The people we was drifting further into the background.
What did we have to talk about, its not like i had anything interesting to tell him for the first few month unless he wants an update on Jeremy kyle or how it took lottie 13 minutes instead of 15 to drink her bottle. We needed to get out more but leaving your new bundle of joy its not an option. I remember one time we went on a date night to the cinema. We was both on edge checking our phone and raced home without a word.
Then i was labelled as depressed and was under the hospital going back and forward several tims  a week and that became our new topic of conversation, that's if i spoke at all. The dynamic of our relationship totally changed i was no longer a bossy boots, i was venerable unable to make decisions and needed looking after.
Shaun had to sort my medication as i could be trusted with it alone, he had to drive me to and from the hospital as i couldn't drive, cook, clean and he had to be with me 24/7 as i couldn't be left alone. The people we was and the relationship we had  being pushed back even further. This situation made my heart ache. I felt shaun was loosing respect for me and i was starting to irritate him. Like the time i cut my feet open, meaning i could no longer walk.
Sometimes i would have good days and try to re light our spark see, https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-glam-squad.html?m=1but it all just felt a little bit forced. I honestly thought the old us was gone. I was going to bed early as i couldn't face the silence, we no longer sat together, hugged or spoke about us. We get told about the baby blues but nobody warns us about what I'm now calling the relationship blues. We entered parenthood care free and more in love than ever. Overnight we became cash strapped people with a huge responsibility and no time for each other.
The good news is tonight a year on from becoming parents we both said this past few days, celebrating lotties birthday has really brought us back together. Things seem calm, natural, even managing our first candle lit bath since we became married almost 2 years ago. Not quite how i imagined as i was sat on a bath toy and lottie had to jump in with us but it was perfect. We haven't
argued about how we parent different, he has his way i have mine i think we have both realised its not
him and me its us and we work together.
I think its been a case of adjusting. We had an active social life before and couldn't spend 10 minutes together without having a cheeky snog, and it was like this for 8 years. We have had to find our new perfect, its took a whole year. Luckily we don't really argue and never raise our voices it just feels like we was paused for a while. Forgetting about each other a little. But never forgetting that we are sole mates. And unfortunately with every high comes a low and this was our low. We are chelsey and shaun again and we got their as soon as we stopped trying and forcing what we HAD. Because we will never have that again. We have found our new perfect which one that involves an extra little person. Which is exactly the same but totally different.
P.S The fact he uses the tea towel as a hand towel still drives me so mad i cant even explain. And today when i caught him doing it, i didn't say a word i just took the tea towel off him, walked on the back garden and chucked it over the 7ft fence. I will keep doing this until he stops or we have no tea towels left at all, unless we count the dirty ones in a pile next to a tree.