Relationship blues

I just can keep away! I said I wouldn't post again until Christmas but the blogging itch has returned and I really want to tell you something I didn't mention in my last blog, and that's my roller-coaster of a marriage. Its hard to admit when things are less than perfect. But now I feel ready to open up to you guys a little more, and hopefully some of you will relate, and stop me posting the divorce papers, just kidding its not THAT bad but its not been THAT good either.
I don't no if its been tough due to the postnatal depression or just having a baby in general puts the brakes on your happy relationship bubble. My guess is its a combination of both. And the fact I was expecting at least a year of a post marriage high. I was dreaming of lazy morning cuddling in bed ignoring the fact we both have vile morning breath, romantic weekends away, candle lit bath, and lots of hanky panky not just your "ok go on then but be quick" hanky panky I'm talking call me wifey, take your time hanky panky.
But it wasn't to be. We started trying for a baby on our wedding night (yes we was one of the lucky couples that could be arsed after their big day), thinking it will take a while for the mud to stick but oh no we only went and conceived the very first time. We got back from our honeymoon and shortly after found out we was having a baby. We are super blessed it happened so fast for us as I am aware of the struggle some people face. But hold on a minute I'm 6 month into marriage, I've gained over a stone in weight, sex is like a swear word to me, matching underwear? fuck THAT pass me those size 16 panties and a sports bra and my new husband smells like bacon and I cant stand to be near him. The only benefit of my changing body being my titties, for once i actually had pair. But touch them and your dead!
I always pictured being pregnant would do wonders for a relationship. I wanted shaun to be falling asleep with his hand on my bump and to feel that connection with my partner as we now share a little life. But the only think i felt was constant trap wind. I could tell shaun couldn't wait to be a daddy and i always new he would do a fantastic job. But whilst i was pregnant i expected him to be glued to my hip and the fact he wasn't repeatedly asking if baby was kicking drove me mad. Being extra hormonal id cry and cry insisting he wasn't bothered. And it broke my heart why didn't he sing to her like i did? why wasn't he looking out for her every movement?
Since chatting to others and reflecting on this i understand shauns situation a little more. To us mums we feel this huge kick just for dad to say they didn't feel it. We see them roll and turn and dad always looks over that second to late missing the action. It must be harder for them to make that connection.
The times he did have a hand on my tummy when she moved was super magical.
I look back at our relationship and as i progressed in pregnancy and when lottie has been getting older our relationship just became less and less important to us. I mean do you even interact at all when you first have your baby? I don't remember 1 conversation we had just about normal stuff. It was all, do you think she's warm enough or have you changed her nappy today? If i could go back i would try my best to have been more us, if that's possible with a new born. We wasn't shaun and chelsey we was mummy and daddy. The people we was drifting further into the background.
What did we have to talk about, its not like i had anything interesting to tell him for the first few month unless he wants an update on Jeremy kyle or how it took lottie 13 minutes instead of 15 to drink her bottle. We needed to get out more but leaving your new bundle of joy its not an option. I remember one time we went on a date night to the cinema. We was both on edge checking our phone and raced home without a word.
Then i was labelled as depressed and was under the hospital going back and forward several tims  a week and that became our new topic of conversation, that's if i spoke at all. The dynamic of our relationship totally changed i was no longer a bossy boots, i was venerable unable to make decisions and needed looking after.
Shaun had to sort my medication as i could be trusted with it alone, he had to drive me to and from the hospital as i couldn't drive, cook, clean and he had to be with me 24/7 as i couldn't be left alone. The people we was and the relationship we had  being pushed back even further. This situation made my heart ache. I felt shaun was loosing respect for me and i was starting to irritate him. Like the time i cut my feet open, meaning i could no longer walk.
Sometimes i would have good days and try to re light our spark see, https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-glam-squad.html?m=1but it all just felt a little bit forced. I honestly thought the old us was gone. I was going to bed early as i couldn't face the silence, we no longer sat together, hugged or spoke about us. We get told about the baby blues but nobody warns us about what I'm now calling the relationship blues. We entered parenthood care free and more in love than ever. Overnight we became cash strapped people with a huge responsibility and no time for each other.
The good news is tonight a year on from becoming parents we both said this past few days, celebrating lotties birthday has really brought us back together. Things seem calm, natural, even managing our first candle lit bath since we became married almost 2 years ago. Not quite how i imagined as i was sat on a bath toy and lottie had to jump in with us but it was perfect. We haven't
argued about how we parent different, he has his way i have mine i think we have both realised its not
him and me its us and we work together.
I think its been a case of adjusting. We had an active social life before and couldn't spend 10 minutes together without having a cheeky snog, and it was like this for 8 years. We have had to find our new perfect, its took a whole year. Luckily we don't really argue and never raise our voices it just feels like we was paused for a while. Forgetting about each other a little. But never forgetting that we are sole mates. And unfortunately with every high comes a low and this was our low. We are chelsey and shaun again and we got their as soon as we stopped trying and forcing what we HAD. Because we will never have that again. We have found our new perfect which one that involves an extra little person. Which is exactly the same but totally different.
P.S The fact he uses the tea towel as a hand towel still drives me so mad i cant even explain. And today when i caught him doing it, i didn't say a word i just took the tea towel off him, walked on the back garden and chucked it over the 7ft fence. I will keep doing this until he stops or we have no tea towels left at all, unless we count the dirty ones in a pile next to a tree.

As promised

As promised I said I would update you all on how things are going in my crazy world, on lotties birthday. And todays the day. I have missed blogging SO much. Yano when you leave the house and your sure you've forgot something or you walk upstairs and have no idea why, that's how i've felt without my blog. Like somethings not right, the first few weeks being the worst. When anything happened that was happy, sad or I needed to vent I was just bursting to sit with my laptop, tap away at the keyboard and share it with you guys. Doing so made life make sense, sitting letting it all out telling my story emptied me of my demons. I never realised how difficult it would be when I wasn't able to do this anymore. Blogging makes me exited it gives my butterflies, because their is a chance my words may have an impact on someone's life, even if that means just putting a smile on their face it gives me a purpose.
Id like so say since I last spoke, I've lost a stone, got rid of the toe infection and resumed my pre lottie gym schedule but the truth is I've cancelled my gym membership, I still have mum tum and my toe is still killing me! The only thing that's changed really is the fact I get time to wax my chin every 2 week and i love being a mummy more and more each day.
Becoming a parent made me think id miss out on fun things like nights out with the girls or expensive holidays abroad. Never for a minute thinking it may be the other way round, I'm missing out by not being a mummy. Id never known true love, or looked at someone and seen my whole world in their eyes until i set eyes on lottie.
I did love her from day 1 i remember so well the love that i felt for her from the beginning but,  i don't remember her before she was 6 month old. I don't remember holding her, feeding her or how many times she woke in the night. I think i was far to ill to sit and cherish those moments. And it breaks my heart, My mind was elsewhere i was more focused on fighting to be alive. Even though i was walking round in a blur 1 thing was clear i had to live. I may not remember much but i remember looking at  lottie and she gave me the courage to keep going.  Her cry got me out of bed in the morning and her needs told me i was needed.
This time last year the surgans was working on getting lottie un-stuck after id been in labour for 3 days. And since then ive been trying to figure out everything that happened during my labour. But the past few days i have re lived every second. Its crystal clear. How strange is that ive answered all my own questions. Ive been a wake in the night bracing myself for the pain and the strange thing is lottie has woken with me each time. She's in a different room she's fast asleep yet we still feel each others hurt. That's why i had to get better.
Id love to say I'm 100% I wish I was and I though I was until about a month ago. I just took a huge step backwards I felt sick all the time, I couldn't feed lottie because I was shaking so much and to make matters worse I had to go to work. I couldn't get ready in a morning I was so confused nothing was making sense. I tried to deal with it for a few days until I did the sensible thing and saw the gp. It was a case of upping my medication and after a few days I had bounced back. PHEW.
Being a working mum is HARD! How do you mums make it look so easy? With your sleek hair and trouser suits. While I'm running down the street, car keys in my mouth, lottie on my back and the same pants on I wore to bed.
My boss did take me to 1 side and had a word with me about the fact I get to work a few minutes late. I actually burst out crying. That morning lottie had clung to me and didn't want to go to nursery and I was trying my best. I'm super organised i get everything ready the night before but even if i set off the day before i had to actually be at work i would probably still be late. Is this normal or am i doing working mum all wrong?
Maybe i will ask my new mum friends. I have true mum friends, to the outside world groups of mums look pretty boring (sorry but we do). With our ankle boots on, our bags or sensible stuff like hand gel and spf50 but now I'm part of the crew dam i've been missing out. We can stay up all night, we look like we are doing the walk of shame most mornings with our messy hair and blurry eyes and we piss ourselves on the daily.
I seem to meet new people all the time. I can find it odd when it comes to sharing mum stories. I feel like the world has read my blog and wonder if people i meet have done so. One question i do struggle with is the when will you have another baby question? As i wont. I understand lottie has no memory of me not being unwell thank the lord. But say she's older and i have another baby and get ill. I cant let her see her mummy and daddy hurting.
Despite all the horrible stuff that's happened its been an amazing year. I've learnt so much, real hurt, true happiness and how baby poo isn't baby poo its adult poo! its more than adult poo, she poops more than me. I've experience great kindness, shared my story with people the other side of the world oh and did i mention i saved a life!!!! https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/call-ambulence.html
I still can not believe people read my blog around the world. The odd time i have checked if anyone has been reading and wow yes you have. Its bizarre that i have so many more views in America than i do in the uk. You American's must be desperate for a distraction from trump and his wall. And the views have almost hit 12,000 step aside oprah. Thank you for living this with me and giving me my purpose when i needed one.
I did find a new little hobby while I've been away and its selling baby hair bows. I add my own touch with a few diamantes and bling them up with little ones names and glitter. I'm having fun and its paid for Lottie's next term of swimming lessons. So if you are reading this and have helped with my new venture thank you.
I plan on doing another blog at Christmas. This time i hope i have more to say. You look ahead and see your world changing, or am i just a dreamer. By Christmas i think i will have  got round to dusting the tv cabinet, helped mums suffering with post natal depression, wrote a book, started getting to work on time or even sacked my job off and my bows will feature in vouge.
Its 45 minutes until midnight. Its the perfect end to a perfect day. I have loved celebrating Lottie's first year of life, at times i have felt like it is my birthday. You should have seen me in build a bear, i was stuffing that thing like i was on drugs.
Things may not have always been perfect but she is.
Between now and then i hope my dreams come true and so does yours to.
Love the farnsworths x