Having 5!

 Hey strangers! Just had a moment of realisation which has pushed me to finally update my blog! 

I was just laid in the bath (like just, I still have a wet back but I just couldn’t wait to log on and blog this). Lots of you will relate to this, while laid in the bath, I could hear the bubbles popping, the rain outside and the strange creaking noises in the house (what are they by the way?). My Phone was on the floor, Shaun and Lottie are out and I just thought arghhh nothingness. No worrying Lottie is going to wee in the fish tank, or shauns going to need his 10th meal of the day just nothing and it was so good! 

Then I remembered this was my biggest fear just a short while ago, and sadly still is for so many. A fear to be alone, when I was ill with post natal depression I didn’t even go to the toilet alone, why? I was scared of myself, I was scared of the things i could Harm myself with when alone.  I was told this would get better, did I believe it? Never. But without realising it has. 

I say without realising, I did notice when shaun used to wait till I’d got in the bath and then find an excuse to leave me alone, each time leaving me a little longer And each time I’d lay listening for the floorboards creaking telling me he’s on his way back and I can unclench my fists and breath again.  

To get to the stage I am now, it wasn’t like oh I’m fine i can take a piss alone let’s move on, I don’t remember a day when things changed but it has and to those suffering it will. Me & my nurse came up something that worked for  me when I got a “bad thought” I’d imagine taking hold of it with my hand and blowing it away (like a kiss). Another way of doing this is draw a cloud round it and imagine it floating away. So this is what I’d do when shaun would “pop downstairs”!

He would leave me n my depression would start, I’d have all these thoughts of self doubt and I’d fight to push them away working myself up, my hands shaking and my stomach in knots.

 What I needed to do was acknowledge these thoughts as awful as they are, let them come let And them go. And gradually thoughts have stopped  or lessen. I have no idea about other people’s journeys or recovery but hopefully just 1 person try’s this and it helps. 

Anyway!!! In my last blog I had a lil interview to get my foot in the door on Hopewood mother & baby unit. The good news is they think I’d be able to help out on the ward and if it wasn’t for COVID I’d probably be doing so already. 

The interview was great, why was I so nervous to sit and talk about myself? I even got the interview lady to make me a brew, I spoke about my little blog and spoke  about my readers, yes we r worldwide baby! And ive had 1500 hits! Half of them are me and my mum! 

I walked away feeling a million dollars, and shit scared coz I’d parked my car in the most awkward place and knew I’d need to do a million point turn to get out the car park! And if getting out was anything like getting in then hella no! As I’d drove the wrong way down a 1 way. But I made it out alive and 20 minutes later I got the news I can progress with Hopewood! 

I’m still making my bows and loving it, I’ve Also made some new friends and wasn’t even a nervous twitchy mess when I met them, I was fine, just like my old self it helped that Lottie pissed all over me and fell in the paddling pool, nothing like warm wee to break the ice. 

I’m the worst with new friendships, I’m now at the awkward stage where I’m on a new friendship High but don’t wanna be a kean bean, like do I ask if they wanna do something or do I play it cool? I legit have like 1 friend and this is why. I get over exited n start planning moving in next door n shit. 

I also mentioned in my last blog about the passing of my Nan. I’m not going to lie during covid I found the loss easier to deal with, this may sound harsh but I prefer that she wasn’t around during the lockdown. My Nan was a social butterfly, she wasn’t the best at entertaining herself, she tried bless her but never found a hobby, her jigsaw never even got opened and the adult colouring book I brought her she have to the grandkids! 

After her first cup of Yorkshire and a read of the paper she was sat dressed waiting for her first visitor! And as 1 of those visitors there is no way I could have left her, or waved at the end of the drive, I feel for those who had to do this. 

 Its now life is returning to normal, it’s all becoming real. I see people re-uniting and ache for this myself. Is it crazy I called her phone last night? Course i new she would never answer. I see her in all beautiful things on this earth? Each day I search for something just to help lessen the hurt. 

I have find reminding myself what a good life she had and how she lived to be to be so old, glam, well and loved Until the very end helps.

I am going to sign off now as shaun n Lottie are home and it’s only a matter of time till I get found in this comfy spot on the bed. 

P.s shaun just shouted upstairs Lottie has done a dump in her leggings (we r potty training), and I can hear him grumbling and grunting, honest my child poops like a rhino.

Best get to work with the vanish, choe Bella x  

A pig in....shit i have an interview

How have I ended up blogging? I'm supposed to be looking into smart answers I can give tomorrow at an interview, which I have tomorrow. An interview so that I can start helping on the Hopewood mother and baby unit, helping ladies who suffered like I did, or maybe ladies that are suffering in a total different way to how I did, with different symptoms ect. But still suffering and walk around feeling like they have a stamp on their head " POST NATAL DEPRESSION".
I understand that feeling, and am lucky enough to have this opportunity to do my bit in this world that I discovered just over a year ago, but feel like it has been part of me my whole life. I am forever learning about this illness, and feel like I understand so much, yet tomorrow I feel like I have nothing to say. I cant put into actual words how I feel. How I want to help others, mother family's, friends everybody. Help mend broken hearts and broken minds, show their is a light after the shitty darkness.
I'm sat with my little notebook, googling interview questions, my book is blank and the only thing I can think to do right now is blog. The only thing I can think to do it use my blog to help. So here are a few questions I may get tomorrow, and Ill tell you (nobody...... my 1 reader? HI MUM) what ever comes to mind.
Tell me about your self? (easy I love talking about myself) I'm a mum, I'm 30 but feel about 25 and look about 12 blah blah blah.
What do I no about the organisation? I cant answer this with all facts and figures. Like a professional would. And I don't want to try and guess all the clever stuff. I just know its wonderful, and it saved my life.
Why do you want to work for us? I want to give back, I have a passion to show other women its ok, as much as it seems like this is life now, its not. I understand how much an ill lady disbelieves this, I understand the urge they have to scream "you don't understand" in the face of who ever tells them it will be ok.
What can you bring to the company?  Trust. No disrespect to doctors and medical staff who do an amazing job. Nobody will trust a mum like another mum. Your baby doesn't sleep at night? neither does mine, phew she gets it. Your gagging for a cuppa, so am I, instant connection. These 2 tiny conversations  happen a thousand times a day. Us mum get each other,
I feel the same can be said regarding post natal depression, to talk to a mum "who gets it", lightens the burden and makes us feel less alone, weather its baby shit or needing to take our head for a shit, sharing is caring, and I know in my situation I was more likely to listen to another mother who has recovered, than a doctor who read about it.
What are your weaknesses? Hunny look at me, I'm basically a goddess, I aint got non! Errrrrrmmm
Sometimes I may be a few minutes late because my child can wake up and the mornings just don't work! I also may present myself with frizzy hair, and a mono brow because id rather have an early night that take care of my appearance.
Another day ill slay like beyonce, ill be walking on air, lippy on feeling like I can take on the world, because my morning worked. So lets say my weakness is sometimes letting my beautiful child dictate which version of myself I will be.
Strengths? I can carry 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, car keys, phone, purse, a teddy, dummy and child all at the same time?!
My strengths are, trying to find good in all situations, my poker face and my ability to adapt to different situations. although sometimes ill let slip my true council estate self, when I'm trying to be all prim and proper.
Challenges I may face? Seriously ill ladies. Which right now, honestly I have no idea how I would deal with the situation. But In the future with training this will come. I am so driven to give my all to this. I'm aware this will be emotional, but I feel I know my limits. I am a fast learner, compassionate and tactile making me good in such situations. (PHAHAH how posh do I sound? tactile daaarling tactile)
Achievement I am proud of? I don't wanna be a barry big head but can I say more than 1? Saving a life, creating such a wonderful life for lottie and the journey I have been on since having her, I have beat depression, and given people belief that I can help others, with my ability to be honest, brave and willing.
Oh I hope they ask this one, what animal would I be? A pig, because you get to roll around in your own shit all day, with your stinking shitty friends that don't judge you. Being fats a good thing, other than the slaughter house you don't have that much to worry about. Any your pink, not very hairy and deep down everyone likes you?
Wow that's really helped yano! Like really really!
For those who read my last blog, a year on, you would have read that I lost my nana almost 2 month ago. Well today she would have been 88. OH yes 2 fat ladies, I think she got sick of me saying that joke, but id say anything to try and motivate her to stay around and meet the 2 fat ladies, But it wasn't to be.
Being at work today has been crap, its just so strange how the world continues while your hearts breaking. People moan about the loo roll epidemic and I just think how about you get that loo roll n cram it in your mouth coz its full of shit! Yet I stand and smile sweetly.
Anyway wish me luck for tomorrow, and ill update you when I get a second, maybe in a week, a year maybe 2, who knows.

1 year on!

I've decided to dust of the laptop and give the blog world an update. Its been so long I had actually forgot my password, I haven't been logging on, assuming you had all just forgot about me, but shock my old posts are still getting views!
I have no idea how to start this blog, I intend to do a few, its been a long year guys i have so much to say. I also feel blogging again may help me find my way, as it did before, but this time for a different reason.
Before I get onto the deep and meaningful cry your eyes out stuff let me start with on update on lottie seen as there wouldn't even be a blog if it wasn't for my little pea!
I'm not going to lie she is an absolute dream, she goes to bed at 8 wakes up 12 hours later, eats all her dinner and when I do the I'm going to count to 3 and then...........probably do nothing I only get to 1 and she behaves. She's so good I actually feel sorry for her. That's a thing right?
But a dream its not always been, ohhhhhhh no! Id like to say the stress of it made me loose weight but unfortunately not, the only thing I lost was my side of the bed. Because that's where lottie took up residency for a while, leaving me sandwiched between shaun and lottie.
I say sandwiched, I was more stuck, like physically stuck to them 1 on the front 1 on the back because they both sweat so much while they sleep. Every time I moved, lottie cried and every time lottie cried, shaun farted.
But I carried on night after night, sleeping(ish) when lottie wanted to sleep, waking when she wanted to wake. She was running the show and I was her puppet. She was hitting out, throwing stuff and I just thought one day things would calm down. I didn't think she needed a telling off or a naughty step, these things work themselves out? Surely she wont want to strangle me for the rest of her life, its got to stop at some point? i tell you now it gets worse.
Once I realised that I knew it was time to make lottie realise she may be the princess but i'm the queen so what i say goes! I decided it was set in stone no matter what lottie was going in her own bed, even if I never sleep again. That first night what the hell, I'm sure she was possessed and I think I got no sleep, each night I got more and more sleep which leads me to now. I have a princess who will take herself to bed no fuss. I have my side of the bed back. I miss the cuddles like crazy, I wake up missing her but i know its for her benefit.
Can you believe she is almost 2 now. She has her own personality, she loves to dance and has just started dance classes, she is such a chatterbox as well. She is my shadow and brings joy to my life. The future hopefully involves me doing more regarding postnatal depression, in the last year i have still been involved with hopewood perinatal unit as well as my normal job. My next blog i will chat more about this. I have a list of topics i want to blog about over the next few month here's a few,
My new hobby which i think is driving everyone mad (but who gives a shit it makes me happy),
Our first family holiday which was just typical us everything went wrong!
Turning 30 and my family & friends not giving a shit! (wink wink)
My nana being ill and sadly loosing her which is one of the reasons i want to blog again. This happened just over a week ago and already i miss her like crazy, i feel lost, my days are empty not being able to pop for a coffee in my Christmas mug.
I hope you have enjoyed catching up. So many people have asked for an update, and i hope not to disappoint. I hope my next few blogs make you smile.
Again this blog comes at a time in my life when all is not perfect, i am hurting but for a different reason. I am grieving, but unlike before a lot more people understand. Sadly most of us have lost a loved one, with only 1 good thing coming from that. Compassion, we are all able to comprehend and understand what another is feeling without that person uttering a single word.