Goodbye for now

How do i follow on from Shaun's amazing blog. I saw it with the same eyes as you did. I heard those words for the first time like all you readers. I woke up to it this morning. I had no idea how shaun felt, but him blogging has given me, you and maybe even him an insight on how it is for the other person.
I hope blogging has helped him let go a little, deep down I still think he is struggling to process what has happened. Sometimes I expect him to just be ok because I'm ok now. I just click my fingers and go I'm better now but he needs time to get over this also. For a while he lost me, lost us and now we need to concentrate on finding our normal.
We need to discover life as a family minus trips to the hospital and nights spent blogging (as much as I love it). We need to be chelsey, shaun and lottie. Not chelsey shaun, lottie with a hospital family, a blog family  and an illness. Its been wonderful meeting all these people and having such amazing support but for now all we need is each other.
Id love to say we will run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But as positive as I feel life just isn't that easy. We will face life hurdles as we all do but whats changed now is the fact we understand what ever happens as long as we have each other things will get better.
I don't see us having more babies. During my last appointment I was informed their is a 30% chance of me getting depression in future pregnancies, and I would probably be under the care of the hospital potentially before the little one was even born. So for now its a no from me. When I look to the future I don't crave another child, I just see my little family of 3 and that's fine with me.
Going forward I would love to do more work with the hospital, and that was also spoke about during my last appointment. But I've been told to forget about that for now and just concentrate on living my new hospital free life apparently I need a "clean brake" for a while. I have to leave them the hell alone until at least july. And then we can start looking at ways I can help out. I cant bloody wait.
My last appointment was awful. Firstly because amy (pony) and lisa lottie and me was sat in the smallest room and I hate shit like that, I feel like I cant breath. They couldn't stress enough how proud they was of me, telling me I had done all they asked of me and more. And I did, I never missed 1 single appointment. When they advised me to make changes to the way I was acting or thinking as much effort as I felt it was I did it. They may have had to nag but I took all the steps. Sometimes thinking what the hell that's never going to work, but it has.
Meditation.....worked, trusting myself to be alone......worked, blogging.......worked, making my Yorkshire pudding with lard instead of oil......didn't work! The list of things they had me doing especially my nurse lisa was endless.
As it got closer and closer to the end of my appointment my eyes started filling up more and more with tears. Then 1 fell from my eye and the rest followed. How can I get up and walk away? Walk away from my safe place? Where I can run to and be understood. How do I get up from the chair that hugs me each time I sit in it, walk out the door I have ran in when I needed to hide and leave the people who tell me it will be ok.
It was impossible to turn my back on them and walk away. So both lisa and amy left the room first leaving me in their alone with lottie and shaun ready to leave when I felt it was time. Watching them walk away was incredibly painful and I cry now just thinking about it.
I can never explain what these people mean to me and how they have changed our life. I hate to think what would have been without them, and my midwife who came to my rescue when i almost took my life. Who made the right decisions at the right time.
 All these wonderful people came into my world and have made such a difference, a&e, the crisis team, my heath visitor who got me feeling comfortable enough to massage lottie, social services who made me feel I was doing mum life right regardless of my illness, the receptionists at the hospital who acted like it was normal for me to try and hold a conversation whilst crying so much I couldn't talk. My nurse who got me out the house when I didn't even want to get out of bed.
Listed above are all people that I have met post depression. Now for the people who new the real me. The people who's opinion matter the most. my family and friends, thank you for putting up with me through this, believe it or not I hate the fact its been the chelsey show. ok I love it to be the chelsey show but not in this situation. So can we go back to talking about pointless crap that's going on in ALL our life, like mums new plumb wallpaper, dads pointless diet (give up your fatter than when you started) and facial hair.
Thank you shaun for doing your all to understand. Never walking away and making this hell a little easier to live in.
Thank you to my little lottie. I would face depression for the rest of my life for you. You are worth every tear I have cried and more. Your smile has been infectious and your cry has dragged me out of bed when nothing else would. You will never remember when I would sit holding you tight at 2am petrified we was in danger. I no now their was nothing to fear, just fear itself.
Its amazing something so perfect has come from something so unperfect. My worst fear being that you would come to harm. You was my reason to live when I didn't understand what I was fighting I would still fight. Because the most important thing to me was you needing your mum to protect you
 and that will never ever change.
And thank you. you. who ever you are reading this right now thank you for taking the time. Thank you to every single person who has reached out no matter how small the message I can assure you I have appreciated every single one.  I started this with just 2 readers and it has grown and grown. So shout out to my day 1s. If you read them all, thank you. If you read 1 or 2 thank you. If you understood, tried to understand or just hung around for the laughs thank you.
A lot of messages of support you send start with " you may have heard this a thousand time"  and yes I have but it never gets boring I get overwhelmed with the kind words, each one reminding me I'm not alone. We all have a fight they are all different, but what is the same is the FIGHT. Its shit it hurts but we all have the ability to do it. I said I in a previous blog, I feel I am moving forward with a lorry strapped to my back and that's exactly how I feel recovery has been. Slow and painful but worth it as I am a better person than I was before.
Can you believe I have only been blogging for 4 month?? It feels like I have been doing it my whole life, and it times its all I had in my life. A focus, battle on today and then I get to moan to the computer screen about how shit life is treating me, or I would have a really good positive moment and would be itching to get home to tell my internet stranger friends.
The ones who most of the time never spoke back but somehow I felt you was listening. Often blogging was the only time I felt safe to be alone. Shaun would walk in the room and I would ask him to leave, I needed this time to concentrate, so I could get my story across the best I could.
I have said lots of time how I could never be alone shaun had to be glued to me so I'm sure he enjoyed the time I would sit and type. And he trusted me, because I trusted myself when blogging because someone was always reading, so was I really alone? i didn't feel it I felt safe. You guys clicking and reading really helped.
I hardly read my posts back, today I attempted to do so.i got as far as
https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2018/12/hard-to-write-hard-to-read-but-maybe.html and I just cant do it. The blogs wrote between the end of November and December are just to intense for me right now. I do plan to look back but maybe not all in 1 go. If you follow me on facebook or twitter I will post on their as I read them what I think about them. My twitter is @dummymummy6.
For this blog I have taken notes, highlighted them organised them and now I have not even used them. I am so much better at just writing what I feel in the here and now, that's what I have done from the start and its how I shell finish.
So I have reached the end. For now, I will return on or just after lotties 1st birthday which is 2nd may. I will look forward to chatting to my screen again soon and will jot things down along the way.
I hope between now and then we make lots of memories that i can share with you. I hope to remain
 in a good place. I wish my internet stranger friends luck and happiness.
Goodbye
This is so hard to press POST. How do I finish?
Well actually I need a poo so I need to dash.
Loveya

wheres the dummy daddy???

So I thought its about time Mr. Farnsworth had a go at this blog game. I think it would be good to get the other side of post natal depression across, the dark, the sad, but also the happy and how far chels has come (by the way Chels is what I call the wife), So were shall I begin? Lets start and chat abit about me and chels shall we. Chels is abit nuts! always has been and always will be. as you've read through the blogs I'm sure it didn't take you long to realise this. She has always been a ray of sunshine for not just me but everyone she knows and has ever come across. We have been together now for almost 10 years now and there is never a dull moment with the two of us. We have had some unreal memories together, so many so I could make my own blog about some of the things we have done and the amazing lives we have had together, This brings me onto our wedding day....

I finally popped the question after 5 years of us being together after years of her naggin! 2 years later we made it happen and it was the greatest day of our lives. It ended up with my shirt being ripped open, my tie on my head and a game of football through the hotel. Anyway one thing lead to another, I have no idea how because I couldn't even fucking see straight but 9 months later, we had our beautiful baby girl in our arms and this changed our lives forever. Little Lottie was the most amazing bundle of joy I had ever seen and she was ours, we felt so lucky! The labour was abit of a rough ride going on for nearly 3 days. As a bloke its hard being in these situations the best of times but this was even worse. You are literally sat there, talking all the lingo, acting like a part time midwife when in reality you haven't got a fucking clue! you are totally helpless and have to just try your best not to worry and fold, just having to put a brave face on for the other half to be laid there, while there talking absolute shit off there head on gas and air. Any lad going through this, or going to be going through it just think it will all be worth it in the end, trust me!

So you've had your little one and all is amazing for the 1st couple of weeks. Well us not doing things in the most normal way, we moved house, a week after lottie was born. probably not the greatest idea but we didn't really have a choice as we was living in a flat before. This put us all under a lot of stress and there was a lot of pressure for all to be sorted as soon as possible. Chels couldn't move or do much as she had a C-section as I'm sure you've all seen in past blogs. This added even more stress onto our recently grown family. Things started to settle a lil and we was getting closer to having our lives all back to normal, well so we thought. Being with Chels for so many years I know her better than anyone in this world, better than she knows herself. You could tell things just wasn't quite right with her. Her mood was 100 mph, she could never rest, you could rarely get a full conversation out of her. Ontop of this she was suppose to be resting and time and time again I would tell her "you need to slow down, you need to stop, things will catch up on you" I worried about her well being, more and more as the days went on. We even went out for a night out for our anniversary, we kept drinking and drinking but chels just could not get drunk. We didn't really think to much into it, later this would make sense to us. Then not long after this. chels would become emotional, upset, tears, feeling unworthy of anything in her life and struggling to accept that there was something going on. These moods become less and less spaced out and become more of a regular thing. Me being me I would never want to worry her, no matter how bad of a situation I just would calm her down and tell her not to panic, things would all be fine. I couldn't quite understand it all, we had a new home, a gawgus lil baba yet things just wasn't okay. I struggle to cope with her being upset. Inside it kills me but I know I have to put on a brave face to get her through this. Then, a string of 4 days, 4 days of constent emotion. This was overwhelming! chels would have relentless crying and thoughts of self harm, thoughts of self pity and lack of confidence. It felt like Chels became empty, Where was my chels? The chels we all loved, the chels I lived with and would make us laugh everyday, the chels I would come home to and she would do random shit like be playing on my fifa! I felt like id lost her and couldn't understand, neither of us could. Then, one day after these 4 rotten days I got in my car after work to come and received a phonecall......

"Hello is this shaun? we have your wife in a&e we need you to come and meet her here" Obviously I fear the worse, instantly think is it a car crash, has she been hurt, wheres lottie? So I rush to the hospital to find the pair of them, with 2 nurses and our midwife (her name was amy by the way and she was the most amazing midwife we could of wished for through chels pregnancy) turns out chels had had a breakdown, nearly taking her own life with lottie in the car to almost driving off the side of a bridge. lucky for my girls chels swerved last minute and took herself to a safe place, no injuries or crashes. She couldn't take this anymore and enough was enough. I was in shock! I didn't know what to think. Nothing felt real, it was all like a one big blur.  How could this all be happening? Why us, why have we been chosen for all this to of happened to. There was questions asked in the hospital, people monitoring the situation, chels under constant supervision. As all settled slightly it came to a decision I had to have some days off work to look after my girls and get through this thing that
 had took over her. luckily I had summer break just round the corner so I knew this woud help us all and had come at the right time. Then in the upcoming few weeks things were pretty rough, things all started to become real! The harsh reality of everything that had gone on after lottie had been born was starting to hit home. Things were at there worst. It was even to the point were I couldn't go to the toilet without chels having to come with me. I couldn't even leave the house. She could not trust herself in her own skin and alone with her own thoughts any longer. I probably don't tell her very often but this was the toughest time of my life. I felt like one wrong move could tip her over the edge and she would take her own life. Could you imagine your wife turning around to you and saying the words "lets all go together, I think its the best thing to do" on more than one occasion? It all blew my whole world apart. My heart felt like someone was kicking the fuck out of it every single time something would happen. All I could do was just be here for chels, try the best of my ability to make all of this okay. To make sure I had to do whatever it would take to make my chels better again, to make sure that my lil lottie would not be affected by this what so ever and to protect her form any bad. Get your game face on shauny lad, its time to step up!

As time goes on chels speaks to numerous people through phonecalls, has crisis teams on stanby if needed and is reffered to a specialised mental health clinic about 20 mins from where we live. It was then comfirmed she has what looks like post natal depression. How? I thought to myself. You hear about these kind of things and think there bad but never in your craziest thoughts would you think it was as bad as this. The thing that always stuck in my head though was PND would eventually go. This to me was a target that I repeatedly reminded myself of. Chels though at this point felt all this was becoming to much but I had to reassure her this was a step into the right direction and would benefit us as a family, without being her full self our lil world wouldn't work properly. After sessions of tough counciling going in depth about everything leading up to this point, to get to a breakdown, things slowly but surely began to look up. I know it might sound easy writing the recovery in a few short sentences but trust me this aint easy, not one fucking bit! it tore our world in bits. Turned it upside down and a lot of the time never saw a way through all this pain. It even got to a point that I couldn't handle what was going on and had to talk to someone on more than one occasion. Just because its not you, the partner that is going through all this directly don't be ashamed to admit you arnt okay. I wasn't but I used the help that was there because chels could tell I wasn't right! I should of spoke to the people at the hospital more. I think this would of made chels recovery a lot quicker and put her mind at ease. I'm a guy that never shows there emotion and never have. Seeing your
other half in all this pain you at times have know idea what to do. if you say something it could make them worse. If you tell them how you feel will it knock them back and will they blame there selves? its a tremendous amount of pressure to be put on us but we have to be there no matter what. no matter how hard it gets just stick through it and things will get back to normal. In our relationship before all this I think chels saw me cry 3/4 times. Since all this I have cried that in 8 months of the depression, I didn't even cry on our wedding day!

After all the recovery at the hospital and our regular visits we can finally say that chels has been discharged and is on the way up! She is back to her self and our lil world is back on track again. Over the past months we have built up amazing relationships with the girls at the hospital and it was a bitter sweet day as its been the last one officially being signed off from the hospital. we will miss all the girls there and the job they have done for us and will be forever greatful for what you have done for us. You have got our family back on track. By the way the buffet today was the best ive ever had! and to 'PONY' and the nurse (I don't know if you have a nickname sorry) you are diamonds, Their is so many people I want to thank you all know who you are I’d especially like to thank chelsey’s mum and dad for everything they have done for us we couldn’t have done it without you.

I just want to lastly say how proud I am of chels. She's a unreal character made of joy and I'm so so proud of you. One, for being an a amzing mummy and lottie will be so happy when shes older to maybe read this one day and see how brave you are to do it all for us. And two, for overcoming this illness and turning everything around to get back your sparkle, because no one or anything will ever take that away!

Signing off
Lots of love
Mr. Farnsworth

Poo timing, 2 more days to go

As  write my blogs now I get more and more nervous, as each one is closer to me last. Its 2 days until this comes to an end. So I sit here with a nervous tummy for the second time today. Yes it was coil fitting day. Don't get me wrong I have had a coil fitted before, but back then I didn't have tuppy terror.
If you need more info on tuppy terror or you have forgot check out my previous blog. https://mummyleitbe.blogspot.com/2019/01/tuppy-terror.html Or if you cant be arsed to read it basically its a self diagnosed phobia. Caused by trauma regarding the virginal area. When you feel you can never have anybody go near it whilst you are laid on your back, legs spread, hanging of the end of a bed staring at a cardboard ceiling fitted with the brightest lights you can think of. Is it just my area or do all doctors and hospital have grey cardboard ceilings?
Anyway back on topic. The phobia had kicked in. And to make matters worse 5 minutes before my appointment and I suddenly need a number 2! What the fuck is wrong with me! What a dilemma to poo or not to poo? I decide not to poo, knowing I will regret it once I'm being told to "relax".
Why don't I just go on the pill? Well that's not really a good option for me right now, as hormonal changes have contributed to my depression so adding little white pills crammed full of these magical ingredients are not a good idea.
My therapist advised me to explain to the doctor about my fears but I just think its pointless. I feel the doctor would just be like "yeah whatever pants off  and on the bed" who isn't nervous at the end of the day. So I did as I was told bottoms off and on the bed. Anyone else hide their pants under their trousers when they remove them?
So I'm on the edge of the bed, shauns by my side trying to hold my hand. But I just glance at him with the don't fucking touch me eyes. And as if the room wasn't bright enough BAM a vagina headlight comes on. The things lit up like old Trafford!
Then the doctor starts telling me to relax and "soften my legs". At this point I want a word with the women. She's just trying to help but does she think I want to be squeezing my ass cheeks together like I'm trying to crack a nut between them? No in an ideal world I would be laid loose as a goose, how can I I'm about to shit my pants literally and I only met you 3 minutes ago and you now you talking to my vagina, relaxing aint happening.
After prodding and poking its done. And that's when the tears start. Normally in this situation I would convince myself I'm fine, but now I know pretending isn't always best. Painting a smile on and saying I'm fine just keeps everything trapped inside. So yes I cried, not a full on melt down I cant do this but a few tears. Each one the pain of my labour being set free.
This leads me to a confession, please don't judge me but I'm behind on my smear test. Something I have always had and nagged others to have. But since my new phobia I haven't dare have it. But this week I will get it booked. And if you are reading this and are behind,  I hope it gives you the courage to book yours also. We are braver than we think.
Since my last blog its been world book day. Shaun and my mum begged me not to go ahead with my book day idea. They thought it was unfair and lottie should be in a girly sparkly costume. Now I'm all for girly and sparkles, but this idea was way better and head to toe PINK. Yes she was piglet and she looked so cute! So much so that my mum and shaun had to eat their words.
I also took her to her weekly swimming lesson, where I am making a few friends myself. I've not made it into the IT crowd yet. Yano the mums that get out the pool looking better than when they got in and sit in the changing room talking about the latest designer beanie hat and im thinking about my bargain one I got of Ebay.
I get out the pool with hair flat to my head, goggle prints on my face and no chance to sit and chat in the changing rooms. Because frankly I'm out of breath from struggling to get lotties clothes on, and i've just spent half an hour wresting with my twisted bra.
Thank god we went for afternoon tea after where I ate my feelings and attempted to have a normal conversation whilst looking after a 10 month old. It never works, you get to the good bit of a story and they chuck a cheese sandwich across the room making you forget what you was even talking about. Meaning I miss out on all the goss whilst creating memories with my piglet.
May I also add I drove on the motorway alone to get to afternoon tea. Ill do anything for cake!
I'm off now guys, girls and gays. Mwah.

The end is near

Guys I have decided to end my blog. My last appointment is on 11th march so that is the date I will do my last post. I have come to this decision for a few reasons,

1.  I set this up to help with my recovery. the blog and my readers have played a huge part in me getting better. Better being the important word, I am BETTER. I feel as the illness is fingers crossed coming to an end my blog should also.
2. I fear its now boring. I hardly have down days, my life is no longer a spiral of ups and downs. This blog will just become about day to day life which is to be honest pretty boring. All I do now is work, watch tv and complain about being fat, whilst getting covered in baby poo. No one wants to read about that.
3. I'm running out of time. I feel like I hardly get time to blog now. I want it to have a start and a finish rather that it just drift away and slowly become nothing. Or everyone just gets bored and I just blog to myself.

When I complete my last post It will be so emotional. I have depended on this blog more than you will no. At times it gave me a purpose, I had to get through the day so I could update my blog. This may sound so lame but it became my focus, not my only focus but one of them. It has made me feel not alone. Because even if I just had 1 reader, someone was listening maybe even understanding.

I have blogged and cried, blogged and laughed felt every emotion whilst telling a keyboard how I feel, maybe sometimes you felt it to?

I feel I have made new friends, stranger friends, i have no idea what you all look like, who you are but i no your their so thank you for being here. And i hope i have helped some of you also. The good news is, its not over yet! You have me until the 11th and i will try to post as much as i can before my final one. And shaun is going to try and tell his side of the story. I could also try and rope mum and dad into it, but i will pre warn you they struggle sending a text and dads got a very warped sense of humour so it may not be such a good idea. Ill call a family meeting and see what i can do.

Now let me update you on life since my last post. Its been a while sorry, to refresh your mind it was the day i did my first round of interviews. When i nearly had a nervous poo and suffered the mother of all wedgies? Since then we have had a 2nd day at interviewing and the candidate has been chosen. And i feel the questions i asked and the in put i gave made a huge difference. I made a difference, and had a voice and it felt amazing.

Whilst at the hospital the date was set for my final appointment. This one is going to be a little different, its not with my doctor (pony), its not with my nurse.........its with both of them. I'm unsure why but it gives me a nervous tummy. Is this because its the final one, done discharged? Or is it because i will have to sit in a confined space feeling like i am the one being interviewed? I'm in the hot seat. Maybe its the unknown, i have no idea how this final appointment will go. Will it be some assessment to make sure i am stable enough to go at it alone or maybe it will be a casual thing, just sat talking about something random like how my toe is infected again.

Well its not going to be casual actually. I have requested bunting and cakes. Also my friend on reception has sent an email round regarding my party which is to be held at reception. All attending must wear coral and bring cake. This was done a little tongue in cheek but see you their!!

This weekend shaun has been away at a stag due in Newcastle. A stag do he booked when i was first diagnosed. He booked it thinking he wouldn't be attending, as i could not be left as i struggled with intense intrusive thoughts. We wasn't sure how long this would go on for, or if it would ever be the same again. But the time has come and all is fine. He was able to go and not worry. A huge achievement as this was something we doubted would ever happen again.

To keep me company my heavily pregnant best friend came round. We had a Chinese and attempted to make friendship bracelets. Which said on the box could be achieved by an 8 year old. ASIF! I couldn't even get my head around the instructions never mind actually making the things. We may not have bracelets to prove our friendship but the fact i shown her how brown my nipples went when i was pregnant proves it!

Also little lottie turned 10 month old. To celebrate i dressed her as scary spice. I have the tools to dress her as them all but getting a 10 month old to wear a wig aint easy. I have to catch her in a good mood. I'm also struggling to find a union jack dress for a 10 month but watch this spice #girlpower

I also have another opportunity to dress her up this week as its world book day on Friday. Hold on to you hats guys the outfit is on order. You are going to die its so good!

I must dash now as i am off to see my glam nan.

Love ya