I've been to see pony today. And she has told me I absolutely have to go the the hospital less. I go weekly at the mo alternating between a doctor and nurse each week. Pony keeps trying to get me to drop the appointments. But I really really don't want to. Going to the hospital used to drag me down, now it lifts me up. Its a reason to get dressed and i get to see all my new friends. Apparently i have to find different reasons to get out and about. So girls hit me up i need a life!
In regards to lottie. She's much better and has actually left me alone a little today. She's played nicely on the floor and then had a nap in her cot fuss free. I was so worried with her being ill and needy we would never get her back into a routine. But my angel proves me wrong and is back to her smiley happy independent self. Meaning i get to mop the floors and bang on the hoover. Ok the hoovers a lie as if i hoover ew. Its so 1970s housewife. That's why Henry has a boys name. Because its for boys to use.
This blog I want to let you in on when things started getting really bad for me depression wise. I think lottie was around the age 10-13 weeks. Upto this point I think my mind had been occupied with the move and recovering from my C-section. We had visitors all the time and I was just your everyday new mum.
Constantly changing nappies and figuring out how to change a shitty bum without getting it on my fingers. Once all had calmed down and the visitors stopped and shaun had returned to work. May I add his first day back as he was walking out the door. I was changing lottie and as i lift her legs up she squirts poop all over me and the floor. So shaun had to stay home a little longer and help with the big clean up. Funny because i hate shaun leaving for work in a morning. And do and say anything to get him to stay. I fake cry, and have been known to try and pin him down. Lottie was 2 weeks old and already figured out she wants daddy to stay home.
Let me get back on track so here i was home alone. Everything's changed. Routine? what routine. Lottie runs the show now. I would sit and think right Mondays i will clean the bins Tuesdays the bathroom and stick to a rota, as i would if i was at work. ASIF! this does not work with a newborn. I don't deal well without routine. And was finding it hard with no plan day to day.
Shaun gets home from work around 2. I felt the need to show him i am a good mum. And i thought to do this the house needed to be spotless. I needed to be up and dressed. Dinner needs to be on. I wish i realised this doesn't mean i have my shit together.
I'm sure would have not noticed if i was still in my pjs covered in baby sick. But i have a point to prove right? Id failed at labour, i couldn't fail at motherhood to. I was constantly looking for reassurance, and checking he was happy. And pushing my feelings aside.
Id make sure i filled me days up with things to do. Adding pressure onto myself. Id make plans with my mum. Say to meet at 12. So id get up get me and lottie glam. Do all the house choors. drive and meet my mum for 12 be home for 2 to have diner ready for shaun. All the time thinking I'm sure everyone said when you have a baby you don't have any time to do anything yet here i was with everything spick and span. This means I'm bossing motherhood right?
Wrong! Because if i had just took a second to stop and think about how i was feeling. I would have realised i was not in a good place mentally. But it was easier to ignore that and keep running from it. Obviously this is unrealistic. Because how ever hard we try. A time will come when you are alone and your mind does wonder. This time for me was always in the bath. Id lay in their and try and get shaun to keep me company. So i wasn't alone with my thoughts. But he couldn't always be. So off my mind would spiral.
Please note i am going to list some of the things id think and some are upsetting. And before i had depression i thought suicide was so selfish. Do these people not think about the family they are leaving behind? the lives they are affecting? i've learnt the hard way yes they do think about these things. They think they are doing their family a favour. They are a burden. And their presence is a hindrance. Nobody was making me feel this way other than myself.
I would hear lottie giggling with her daddy. And see this as a sign they was better off without me. She was laughing because i wasn't their. Shaun didn't need me. Nobody did, nobody would notice if i was gone. Listen lottie is laughing and I'm not their. Id think about my funeral, id feel emotionless about all these things. I wasn't sad i wanted to die, the only thing that made me sad was thinking about lottie being labelled as the child who's mum committed suicide. This is the only thing pulling me back. She would be labelled.
Then the tears would start. Why every time I'm still am i thinking like this! Why am i scared to let my mind wonder? Why is this happening? i have the world but want to end it? why is my brain screaming negative things at me? Who is this person? why don't i laugh? why don't i sing? Is this going to last forever? what even is this? why do i want to harm myself? why do i constantly feel sick?
I cant believe i kept it up for so long, i will do another blog soon about how it all came to a head. And how i almost took my life. Also how i think an illness like mine can be prevented. And how it would be so easy to make this something all new mums are aware off.
We cant see we have depression ourselves how can others help. Below I've posted a picture off me at my worst. Honestly do i look depressed? No. Depression doesn't have a face It wasn't until i was diagnosed and accepted i wasn't ok that i began to look a little unkept. And allowed myself off days. If i couldn't be arsed to move all day fine, don't move all day. I didn't wash my hair or plaster on a smile. I just concentrated on getting better.
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