Changes

Hey!!! An update. A few month ago me and Shauney boy had a chat, we both had been thinking how content we was with life. How things had finally fallen into place and we had little stress. My mental health has been fine, its taken until lottie is almost 4 and its been months since i had suicidal thoughts, or any other signs of PND. Honestly you do get over it, its taken longer than i ever imagined but as promised i am better. So what have i gone and done at a time when all is running smooth? Quit my job, put a deposit down on a car, grown a lump under my arm thats leading to an urgent mamogram and decided to come off me sertraline. Am i fucking crazy? Here's whats led me to rock the boat. Ill start with the sertraline. At the height of PND my dose went up to 200mg SLOWLY over the past year or so i have reduced the dose by 25mg/50mg a time. Now im down to just 25mg. The reductions have had little effect on me but this final 25mg is hard to kick. Day 1 missing a dose is fine, day 2-3 is blegh. Side effects will begin to kick in, the main one being dizzyness. To move my head it feels like ive been been playing dizzydolls, the room spins and i feel light headed. I've never gone 2-3 days without that 25mg as i feel to shitty without it. But now im jobless for a few week im going to try and kick it. The advice being take 1 every 2 days. The plan is to do that for 1 week then stop alltogether. Moving onto the job. I have worked in pharmacy 17 years! I have worked in 3 branches and also on relief visiting stores across Notts & Derby, i have worked with lovely people and absolute dragons, i loved it and hated it at times, but recently i have really hated it. Ive lost sleep over it, cried and needed to get out of what for me had become at toxic environment. So it was time to put together a CV and job hunt. I decided to put my beauty qualification to good use. With 0 experiance and something i trained in 15 years ago. I started small right? wrong. My aim was to work in the most amazing spa i could find. Even after someone said why dont you set your sights lower i was gagged why not aim for the stars? How did i get to 32 not have a CV and never had a job interview. I was winging it, and applied for every spa job in the area. Immedietly i was offered an interview, and the 1st one i had, i was offered a job! Me being me i turned it down. I wasnt settling, and knew i could do better (big head). Turns out my decission was correct, as i have gone on to bag a job at the best of the best spa. Eden Hall baby! Google it you will die! Sometimes in pharmacy ive felt a little misunderstood, some people dont get my personality. And i often work with older people. Who are into diffrent things to me. Dont have children or laugh at my penis jokes. My new job i will be working with people around my age, hopefully it will allow me to embrace my ru-paul obsession, make new friends and never have to listen to Magic fm abain!!! I finished my job 2 days ago, start my new job in 2 week and will be without pay for 5 week. So what have i done at a time when im skint? Put a deposit on a new car! Since the disasters with my last car, i have been without for around 2 years. But to be able to work at my new job a car is needed. So its forced the decision. Time to be a big girl and im hoping its the final step in moving on from the past. I hope to pick my car up later today. Now the mamagram. Last week my armpits was killing. Hairy as it was to painful to shave, covered in lumps (it looks like a hairy cauliflower to set the scene) And i had dead arm. Monday i seen the Gp i thougnt they was something minor maybe a few ingrowing hairs. Nope i have an urgent referel for a mamagram. So now i feel really uneasy and regret every dicisions above. Ive been in control of every choice ive made recently, but this has left me feeling unsure of myself and worrying ive rocked the boat to much. Ive been headstrong, ive made changes but now im in doubt. Say the worst happened the lumps the C words, i cant work, i dont get sickpay and i have a new car to pay for. Will the depression come back? What ever the future holds, i will do my best to update my blog! Wish me luck (shit me im scared)