I'm baaaaack! Its been almost 7 month, and I still remember my password!
I hope you are all as well as can be during locky d 3 (lockdown number 3). Its a difficult 1-2 and 3! For me lockdown 1 was scary. lockdown 2 was just a joke that was taken about as serious as bosis johnsons hairline and lockdown 3 is do or die and feel like we will just live like this forever!
I don't want to chat about the c word anyway, the only good to come from it is the fact people no longer talk about brexit (anyone no if we will still be ok to get Belgium buns?).
Another benefit is I no longer get FOMO on a Saturday night because my news feed is full of people living their best life, while I'm sat on the sofa in my ill fitting pjs trying to figure out how to loose 2 stone without A) dieting B) exercise or C) willpower . Its ok for now as lockyd has made flab trendy.
Jokes aside I do feel bad for Lottie and all the other children living in this crazy world. This is just normal life to them, they don't no any different. If I forget my mask lottie will remind me and she keeps a mask in her ride on car for when she drives to the shop. She is such a little super star, and doesn't understand why she can not go swimming or have her friends round to play. Part of me is glad we cant see people though as the things she comes out with these days. She hun'd my mum last week and has started calling people babe, wtf how can a 2 year old have so much sass.
Anyway the reason I am blogging again is because I have had a recent change in my medication I though it may be a good idea/useful to give an insight into life on medication for postnatal depression, from the very start to what I hope is the end.
In what order and at what point I was given this medication I am unsure as I was very ill and it was ages ago. I was treated with Diazepam and Sertraline, this was either prescribed in a&e where I was taken after what I can only describe as a breakdown or once I had began treatment under a mental health team. The Diazepam was given for short term use, to be taken when the urge to harm myself was intense. I would take one and they would calm me down enough to have a sleep and wake up feeling a little better. I was also given a 24 hour helpline number which I could call also, and I did use it. It proved to be just as helpful as the Diazepam. I did only ring once or twice, the 1st I remember really well. I was in the bath (what's new) rambling to shaun about what was going of in my mind, and he just admitted it was all a little to much for him and suggested I use the helpline.
And so for the 1st time in a long time I was left alone and for the 1st half of the call I don't think I spoke. The man on the end of the line didn't make me feel awkward he just chatted away like it was an everyday thing, and to him it was. And eventually I spoke, by the end of the call the bath was bloody freezing, but I felt better, I felt I had made a friend someone who understood and I didn't feel like the burden I thought I would. Just knowing I could call back anytime provided me and shaun with another form of support night and day.
The piece of paper that has the number on I now use as a bookmark to remind myself how far I have come. For a long time it was a painful reminder, as was looking back at pictures of that time but now I think I have accepted it and like to remind myself I won, I'm winning and I'm proud.
I also don't mind talking about my depression now. I don't feel the shame, guilt or blame that I used to. If people want to judge or think it is just an over exaggeration of what all mums feel then let them, and if they don't want to take time to learn about something that could happen to a daughter, son, sister of friend then more fool them. Yes its scary but so is cancer and we all no what to look out for with that.
Talking face to face with friends and family was difficult at first, and yes I did blog about it for the world to read but that's very different to a conversation in person. I do think blogging left me with no option but to talk, as I was posting my blog on my social media, people I knew was reading it I was naïve to think it would never be brought up in conversation. And it was a blow the first time it was, it was confirmation people knew my secrets, the good the bad and the piles.
Eventually it wasn't so bad and now I am more than happy to chat away , its good for people to share and understand parts of peoples life. We learn from each other. I have an urge, a fire in my belly to bring awareness to this illness, help with recovery and luckily it may become a reality, I don't want to say to much about what is a very small part of a big dream but it may become a reality very soon!!
One thing I wish people wouldn't say is "it isn't as bad as yours" my reply is the same every time, firstly we shouldn't compare, secondly your worse is yours and mine is mine, it doesn't matter how we got there is the same right? I cant really explain it but I hope you understand.
Back to medication. I was given Sertraline for long term use, these come in 50 and 100mg tablets. My dose reached 150-200mg I am unsure if this was a gradual increase or a starting dose. But I was super sceptical and nervous about taking them. Like a scene from EastEnders I stood staring at the tablet for agers before I took my 1st (how dramatic).
I was warned about the side effects, they came, the feeling sick the sleepiness but as promised they went. I was also aware of the rumours about the medication, the fact they make you feel emotionless and some say dead inside, but this didn't worry me as I felt that anyway x10.
Now I didn't wake up one morning full of beans singing kumbaya but I did start to feel better GRADUALLY. By the time I was discharged from care I was down to 100mg. I tried dropping to 50mg but it was to soon and I took a few steps backwards, so I settled at 100mg and was discharged.
This dose has worked just fine for the 2 years or so I have been taking it. Until recently. It started with disturbed sleep, nightmares, feeling irritated more than normal, mainly at shaun snoring, farting, moving or just breathing. He is a babe but my lord he breaths so loud!!
I was waking in the night sweating, anxious sleeping on the sofa and gradually it was starting to make its way into my day to day life. Excepting it was depression was not going to be done. I wasn't having intrusive thoughts, but the other shitty symptoms was becoming an issue. At a time when some may have though to increase the sertraline I decided to decrease it. I came to the conclusion maybe the medication was having an adverse effect, could it possibly be my body telling me I didn't need such a high dose any more? So I dropped 50mg and so far all the above has stopped. I no longer smell like BO (I hope) I no longer want to stab my husband (is it ok to say that?) and I am no longer sleeping on the sofa.
Now readers don't go binning your medication, please note I did chat to a doctor about this, who agreed this was a safe decision. I said earlier that Sertraline has been said to stop you feeling emotions. At the time when I needed them I didn't notice a change, but now I am decreasing the dose I do think recently they have made me feel a little that way. I think this is because I no longer needed such a high dose and now I am just taking 50mg I am laughing a little more and feeling a little more sensitive. I am happy to stay at this dose for as long as it takes but I do now see the light and that maybe one day I'll be sertraline free.
I don't think I will be drama free though, rocking my life right now is a bought of pneumonia. Which is just the worse. I tell you what was coming of my chest tasted like pure death. And would you believe I have had to have not 1 not 2 but 3 covid tests in just 1 week to prove its not covid. Now what's the point in the tests if the results are going to be disregarded?
I was also in hospital over night and if you have had pneumonia you will no you flat out can not breath at times, yet I was having to sleep in my own room so isolated, wearing a blue facemask I mean come on how is a girl supposed to sleep like that?
So when I was asked to have a 4th test it was a a big fat no thanks pam love i've had 3 and a vaccination I think we are safe!
I'm off work and going out my mind, ordering random shit I don't need, random purchase this weekend = a printer/scanner. Wooop its gunna rock my world!
So bye for now I have some scanning and printing prep to get on with x
